Vadergrrrl's Rant Page

Shoot That Poison Arrow Through My Heart xxoo

2010-02-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

Go Ahead... Make My Day!!!

I love ABC, Alan Fry, the 80's, though at the time I dealt with extreme bouts of depression and sadness. Through studying Buddhism, I know depression stems from a state of mind and I control my emotions. Playing the victim gets me nowhere. Still, betrayal, negligence, suffering, wounds, still now & then cause me to bleed....

Keep On with the Force Dont Stop...
Only through forgiveness will I be free & able to heal. Move on. Close that chapter of my so called life. Though betrayal feels like a python squeezing out my every breath, thought, feeling. Crushing my dreams, desires. Until all there is left is the pain of betrayal. The sting. The numbness. The fight or flight. Which Yoda would say "leads to the Dark Side". Anger.....

911 was an Inside Job!!!!
Thoughts of Bush and his lies, and what he did to our Country and our troops, not to mention innocent Iraqis...... Betrayal & Lies..... How can humans with conscience NOT OBSESS and GET ANGRY???? This is the tightrope of anger & sanity I deal with daily. I have a hard time tuning this out. Numbing it out. With PTSD I have extreme fight and/or flight. No in-between. When something bothers me, or threatens me (or others) I react strongly in one of two basic ways: Extreme Fight or Extreme Flight. Numb like a robot or Oakland Mama is ghetto and spitting in your face.....

Un-Happy Valentines Day
Holidaze always make me depressed. Triggers for depression. The past few Valentines day have been pretty bad, despite my being married. Betrayal, I was blinded by love, and being abused in my life, I just accepted things I should not have tolerated. My soon to be ex-husband was extremely controlling and emotionally/spiritually/financially abusive. He grew up Jehovah Witness and said holidays meant nothing to him. Yet he seemed to always pull some abusive stunt on a major holiday. Ruining it for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas, Mothers Day & Valentines Day. He is Bipolar and would not get help. Instead he would go through episodes and rage on me. Just like an alcoholic, you cant force someone to get help. No matter how much you love them or how happy the good times were. I know now that I deserve better and if he really loved me he would not let me suffer. So to the curb and life goes on... Like Gloria said "I will survive"

Love is a Disease
I am over it. Done. I dont go to bars. I dont chat online. With PTSD, I now have agoraphobia. I stay home. I dont drink. The only time I will leave my house is to go to poetry readings or Buddhist events. Or occasionally to support a local band or an activist meeting. But never trolling bars and absolutely never sleeping around. Born again virgin. Done with dating for a bit. Heart is black again. Like Tupac and my tattoo, I trust No One. Just want to be alone for a bit and work on my books, my poetry and my artwork. And especially work on myself and healing....

Spit That Truth!!!
This beat poetic genius has the same birthday as me. So does Ron Jeremy and James Taylor.

Get out of my life and out of my face!!! Beyotch!!!

Say Hello to My Little Friend!!!!!

4 All the Haterz
I am keeping my chin up, head held high. Moving on up and on. And to the player haterz and assholes in my past. Git the hell out of my face!

Inbred & Chicken Fed v. Smokin Newports in Da Hood
I can handle Valentines Day alone. Fuck It. I'm moving up. I love Baltimore. This blizzard has been C-R-A-Z-Y. I walked to the store, it was surreal. Living in Da Hood is great. There were chairs just sitting out by the curb. The gas station has all the items behind bullet proof glass. They only sell Newport and Maverick cigarettes. I'm like WOW. I got asked out on a date. The brother goes "what are you mixed with"? Everyone alwayz asks that. I use my divorce as an excuse. Well its the truth too. Im just so not ready. But especially with some guy at the gas station in the hood. I did get to bum a cigarette from him, a Newport. I'm thinking about moving to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. George Washington bought a vacation home there and called it Bath. He believed the springs there to have magickal healing powers. Just what I need. Its a small town, 600 people, but mainly artists. Its in the middle of the Appalachian mountains, hopefully away from the Wrong Turn folk and the Deliverance Kin.

BowchicaBowWow!!!!
Up, Up and Away. Onward and Upward. Attitude is Everything. You are what you think you are. We control our own destiny.

***This video has its own song because its copy wright wont let them play it. CHEAP!!!!

I am a SUPERSTAR.
So are you. May the force be with you all. So Say We All. Live Long and Prosper. Nanoo Nanoo. xxxooo

BANNED FROM FACEBOOK. 4 being an Activist

2009-02-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

BANNED ON FACEBOOK.
My second offense. I didnt nothing unusual. Posted one Mumia Abu-Jamal Live from Death Row Utube video.

this linksFree Mumia

That was it. Poof. Gone. The first time I cast a stone at Martin Bashir, and shady journalists who "lynch" via the media. Poof. Gone. Three dayz. This time I saved contact information. But George Orwell Look out. Its wild. Censorship on Facebook, against Obama and Vadergrrrl

Illuminati and Free Masons
My blood goes back to the Mayflower, my grandmother a proud member of DAR. Money and power on both sides. Dont ask where the dark gene came from with me. I mean its there, with my dad and my Nana. But Im the only sib with all the dark traits. The Niggah child. Anywayz, my point is I have Free Mason's and Illuminati in my blood line. My Nana's family owned a butcher shop in Stockholm for years. Like in Gangz of New York, only Stockholm.
I feel their Super-Powers.... So I dont think they are censoring me. But, Im definitely being censored. BASTARDS. ORWELLIAN PIGS!!!!!

Myspace v. Facebook
I have myspace under Vadergrrrl and miriam. Tom, the creater and geius behind Myspace is a Berkeley Alum. Gotta love my Peeps. Watch this Utube Battlestar Mario Tribute Tyrol and Mario speech So I know there is no Orwellian's running thangs on Myspace. No Berkeley alum would alow that!!! I dont know who is doing the censorship on Facebook. But its creepy.

Activism and the Revolution
"I see protest as a genuine means of encouraging someone to feel the inconsistencies, the horror of the lives we are living. Social protest is saying that we do not have to live this way. If we feel deeply, and we encourage ourselves and others to feel deeply, we will find the germ of our answers to bring about change. Because once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy. And when they do not, we will ask, "Why don't they?" And it is the asking that will lead us inevitably toward change.

So the question of social protest and art is inseparable for me. I can't say it is an either-or proposition. Art for art's sake doesn't really exist for me. What I saw was wrong, and I had to speak up. I loved poetry, and I loved words. But what was beautiful had to serve the purpose of changing my life, or I would have died. If I cannot air this pain and alter it, I will surely die of it. That's the beginning of social protest."-Quotes from Audre Lorde. Black Women Writers at Work. Ed. Claudia Tate. NY: Continuum, 1983. 100-16. From This Audre Lorde site

"liberation is not the private province of any one particular group"

"When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."
—Audre Lorde

I AM NOT AFRAID. I WILL NOT BE SILENED. YOU CAN CENSOR THE REVOLUTIONARY. BUT YOU CAN NEVER STOP THE REVOLUTION!!!

May the Force Be With You ALways.

Grrrl Interrupted

2009-01-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go.

Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

-J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..

Susanna: [reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."
Lisa: I like that.
Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed."
[pauses]
Susanna: Well that's me.
Lisa: That's everybody.

A man can be destroyed but not defeated. -Ernest Hemingway
So I say Im going Hemmingway, or the Holidaze make me experience the Catcher in the Rye follies. I dream Sylvia Plath and David Gahan. This irritates my Fibromyalgia, a funny diagnosis for nothing really but SICK AS HELL FROM STRESS OF LIFE. A viscous cycle, sick and tired of being sick and tired and then depressed from being too sick and then sick from being depressed. Down the rabbit hole. Go ask Alice. All that fun sick and twisted Mad Hatter Hookahsville.

I Hate Myself and I Want To Die
Its in these times when I obsess on Papa H, Holden Caulfield, Kurt, Freddie, Sylvia and Anne Sexton. Bukowski. James Taylor. Its funny, you think EVERYONE has read The Catcher in the Rye. I guess its just us freaks that identify with it so.

Holden Caulfield
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Green Day - Who Wrote Holden Caulfield

If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it.
One of my favorite movies in the world is One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. I even made a fan myspace for Nurse Ratched. It bothers me to no end that Frances Farmer was lobotamized for not minding her mother, or acting out of the "womanly sphere". Or even that Sylvia Plath had electroshock therapy. Mental health treatment has been barbaric to say the least. Then with involuntary commitment that went on up until 40 or so years ago. My God. The witch hunt. The Burning Times continues. My first tattoo was Starhawks pentacle (Berkeley grad) and I studied extensively the persecution of "Witches". History repeats itself over and over, in one form or another. Locking people up as "crazies". Giving them lobotomizes and forcing them to take experimental drugs. Its sickening. Especially considering this is how the ELDERLY gets treated. Its shameful. People are scared to ask for help when they are depressed so they shoot themselves in the head like Kurt Cobain. Not okay. But who can blame them. The Scarlet Letter is like being a Mutant in the Stan Lee's Xmen world. According to Senator Kelly Anyone with mental health issues are potential Dylan, Eric and Cho's. And no the war in Iraq has nothing to do with this. Oi Weigh.....

Now I think the American people deserve the right to decide if they want their children to be in school with mutants. To be taught by mutants! Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is that mutants are very real, and that they are among us. We must know who they are, and above all, what they can do! Ive been diagnosed with Major Reoccurring Depressive Disorder and Ive also have panic attacks. I take Cymbalta and love it. I think cannabis helps a lot with the panic and depression as well. Most important for myself is reading the Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama, John Kabat-Zinn and Mindfulness, DBT and meditation. Every time I do get seriously depressed, the doctors always want to push for that bipolar label. Why? So they can get me to try a new drug. The only reason they push the bipolar diagnosis is for legal "cover their butts" reasons. So they can legitimize the drugs they give you since certain drugs like Lithium or Lamictal are for bipolar, hence requiring the diagnosis. BULLSHIT. DISCRIMINATION. UNFAIR LABELING AND CATALOGING. Which I dont want to do. But I dont need to try these other medications anyways. But I also dont buy there explanation. They say because when Im creating poetry and "inspired" I have rapid or racing thoughts, so that's mania. But that only lasts a few hours or minutes. Then they say if I have trouble sleeping. Well that is only when I'm anxious about some life event. No, no way buddy. I wont take it. I know what that label will do. Its sad though, because I watch people take that label so easily. Spoon fed. One guy told me he told his employer. The last thing anyone EVER wants to do. Even your friends are your enemies. You really are like, or WE really are like the Stan Lee's Xmen, misunderstood. Feared. We are who Hitler would first put to death in the gas chambers. We are the artists, the inspired, the free spirits, the ones who challenge norms, change societal thinking, the proponents of expression. Kill them, hang them, lynch them, lobotomize them, stalk them, take their kids, imprison them, rape them... like Kurt said.......

Do you know what it feels to be spit on your face and to have trash shoved down your throat? Do you know what it feels like to dig your own grave? Do you know what it feels like to have your throat slashed from ear to ear? Do you know what it feels like to be torched alive? Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated and be impaled upon on a cross? And left to bleed to death for your amusement? You have never felt a single ounce of pain your whole life. Did you want to inject as much misery in our lives as you can just because you can?...I didn't have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run. It's not for me. For my children, for my brothers and sisters that you [fucked], I did it for them… When the time came, I did it. I had to...You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off. -Seung-Hui Cho In the spectrum of mental health issues there are some with sociopath and narcissistic traits. These are the serial killers and the abusive parents or crazies who could care less how their behavior effects the world. But they are the small percent. Most of us are artists and empaths. Most of us would only harm ourselves. Cut our own bodies, shame ourselves to death, binge drink, engage in dangerous and risky behavior, impulsive activity. We are the norm. We are the tragic artists. Only dangerous to ourselves.

“I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.” --Dave Chappelle Im extremely pissed and disgusted by the harassment of George Micheal, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Dave Chappelle Chappelle's Block Party and Michael Jackson. And this is just naming a few. Princess Dianna lived her life giving to others and ultimately was destroyed by the society that loved her. Picked apart, bit by bit. No respect for her family. The press performing armchair diagnosis on celebrities like McCarthy witch hunts and black balling. We all act out here and now. Who doesnt have vices, personal demons. For God's sake! Enough of the persecution and witch burning.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... With this war in Iraq, like the last war, and the wars before our men and women are returning home wounded heroes. Watching this Stryker footage makes me pause in sickening curiosity and sadness. Many are surviving now with body armor that would not have lived in wars before. Only they have no arms or legs. PTSD is real. Trauma not only effects our soldiers but battered women and children, survivors of urban violence, witnesses to traumatic events, car accidents. Basically most of us are effected with some sort of post traumatic stress. We need to take care of our Veterans. We need to take care of all of us. But especially now at this critical time of homecoming. PTSD directly causes Fibromyalgia. Gulf War Syndrome = Fibromyalgia. Your body is in constant stress, a constant state of alert, constant adrenaline. You are in constant fear, stress, pain. The pain is real. You are sick. You are tired. Stress makes you more sick. Soon we will have an epidemic of Fibro war heroes and we need to find a safe and positive way to enable them to good health.

"Our practice of the Dharma should be a continual effort to attain a state
beyond suffering. It should not simply be a moral activity whereby we avoid
negative ways and engage in positive ones. In our practice of the Dharma, we
seek to transcend the situation in which we all find ourselves: victims of our own mental afflictions- such as attachment, hatred, pride, greed, and so forth-are mental states that cause us to behave in ways that bring about all of our unhappiness and suffering. While working to achieve inner peace and happiness, it is helpful to think of them as our inner demons, for like demons, they can haunt us, causing nothing but misery. That state beyond such negative emotions and thoughts, beyond all sorrow, is called nirvana."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama, from 'An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life" Studying His Holiness the Dalai Lama helped me tremendously in my journey on my so called life. Ive always been sound sensitive. I hate the sound of kids, lawnmowers, cars, people talking. Basically Ive turned into the crazy cat lady, like Gladys Kravitz. Hiding behind the curtains, talking to my cats and hating the outside world. A lot of that is PTSD related, social anxiety and agoraphobia. I admit Im a freak. But my point is when I was reading the teaching of His Holiness, he offered meditation for being stressed out by noisy neighbors. He said to focus on peace inside. Belly breathing, saying the word peace. And when you have peace inside, outside noise doesn't bother you. It works. Just like finding Wise Mind versus reacting in Emotional Mind. Things I am still working on, but that help me tremendously. Its been such a gift and blessing having teachings on facebook from John and Josef. God has blessed me and I am so thankful for the knowledge.

“I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?” -- Willie Nelson. Cannabis works magic on my health, mind and spirit. Its funny that my mother is so against marijuana but will offer me a xanax in a heartbeat. She lives off of them and thinks somehow they are safer than a plant? To me its not so black and white. Benzoes have their place. But for overall maintenance and daily use, I chose the natural herb given from God. I agree with sexy sassy freedom fighter, pioneer and Godfather of Cannabis Clubs in the San Francisco, Dennis Peron "All use is medical use". But medications play an important part of my life as well. Provigil has gotten me up and out of bed, with the hole in my heart I was so tired I couldnt get up. Cymbalta is a wonderful anti-depressant. Ive been known to pass out from panic attacks and yes, I need xanax or Klonapin at that point. The key is balance. I also appreciated Ted Turner speaking out about his success with Lithium. We are a community. We are the Gifted. We are not alone. The TRUTH is out there. Live Long and Prosper. The Force Will Be With You Always. Shalom. Nanoo Nanoo. Asamalikum. Rock On. One Love. And thank you all for your friendship and support. Love and Blessings to you all. xxxooooo

>Resume

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

-- Dorothy Parker

Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson,

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich — yes, richer than a king —
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Worker with Bipolar Disorder to Receive $91,000 in Disability Discrimination Case Settled by EEOC

Blogs about: Mental Health Discrimination

Mental health and the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA)

Ending Discrimination in Health Insurance

How to File a Mental Health Discrimination Lawsuit

Consumer/Survivor Mental Health Information

-

You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a LOONEYCHICK your lookin for…

2008-12-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

Repost from 6/7/04

A thought that sometimes makes me hazy: Am I - or are the others crazy? -Albert Einstein “Crazy, Im crazy for feelin so lonely….”, “Im goin off the rails on a crazy train…” These are some of my favorite lyrics to songs that touch a nerve in my head. I have always felt, different, or crazy. Sometimes my mind just races too damn fast. Ooops, did I take my meds today? Just pop another pill, smoke another cigarette, drink another glass of wine, smoke another toke…. And Im fine for the day. “your one crazy ass chick” I sometimes here, or “girl you so crazy”. But I really believe there is a fine line between insanity and genius. It seems like so many of us creative artist types also battle depression or other emotional demons. I have met some people diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar, and its funny how these people are also very brilliant. Great poets, writers, thinkers, their minds just spin so fast, as if on speed. I am clinically depressed at times, Im borderline ADD, and a bit dyslexic. Sometimes my mind races soooooo damn fast, but then at these times I am able to create, write poetry, read, etc. Other times, Im heavy, tired, and so overwhelmed that all I want to do is sleep all day.

I wonder what the connection is between genius and insanity?

I looked up the definition for crazy and found this.

From your dictionary.net
The noun "crazy" has 1 senses.
1. crazy, loony, looney, weirdo -- someone deranged and possibly dangerous

The adjective "crazy" has 6 senses.
1. brainsick, crazy, demented, distracted, disturbed, mad, sick, unbalanced, unhinged -- affected with madness or insanity; "a man who had gone mad2. crazy, half-baked, screwball, softheaded, meshuga, meshugge -- (informal) foolish; totally unsound; "an impractical solution"; "a crazy scheme"; "half-baked ideas"; "a screwball proposal without a prayer of working"
3. crazy, dotty, gaga, enamored, infatuated, in love, smitten, soft on, taken with -- marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness; "she was crazy about him"; "gaga over the rock group's new album"; "he was infatuated with her"
4. crazy -- (informal) possessed by inordinate excitement; "the crowd went crazy"; "was crazy to try his new bicycle"
5. crazy -- bizarre or fantastic; "had a crazy dream"; "wore a crazy hat"
6. crazy -- (informal) intensely enthusiastic about or preoccupied with; "crazy about cars and racing" "

-I really like the “someone deranged and possibly dangerous” bit. Yes, that definitely describes me. LOL

I looked up genius and found this

The noun "genius" has 5 senses.
1. genius, mastermind, brain -- someone who has exceptional intellectual ability and originality
2. brilliance, genius -- unusual mental ability
3. ace, adept, sensation, maven, virtuoso, genius, hotshot, star, whiz, whizz, wizard, wiz -- someone who is dazzlingly skilled in any field
4. genius, wizardry -- exceptional creative ability
5. flair, genius -- a natural talent; "he has a flair for mathematics"; "he has a genius for interior decorating"

I found a book that discusses this on Amazon. Its editorial read:

What is the connection between genius and madness? IBM-based polymath Clifford Pickover approaches the question in a characteristically eclectic way. First he looks at the lives of a collection of eccentric scientists, from Nikolai Tesla to the Unabomber, giving each a name ("The Fly Man from Galway"; "The Rat Man from London") deliberately reminiscent of Sigmund Freud's names for his cases. Then Pickover discusses obsessive-compulsive disorder and the relationship between brain structure and genius

----Hmmmm, maybe Im not crazy, maybe Im just a genius. Or maybe Im just one wild-ass crazy chick. Who knows. It seems however, that a lot of our most influential contributors to society have been deemed crazy. I searched the web and found a quiz to see if your one crazy ass artist.

Do you struggle with understanding why everyone else just doesn't "get it?"
Are you an emotionally intense person?
Do you see yourself as an artist, an intellectual, a creative, an intuitive?
Do you live in another world than most people on the planet?
Do you have unique abilities?
Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression, manic depression, ADHD, or some other mental illness and traditional treatments do not seem to address the problems?
Do you feel like no one understands you?
Have you tested extremely high (98 percentile or above) on traditional and/or multidimensional IQ/EQ tests?
Does your life seem to be ruled by the creativity and emotion that is so prevalent within you?
Do you have a rich and exciting inner life that you have found difficult to share with others?
Do you have an insatiable 'need to know' that no one understands?
Creative Genius

Let me answer some of these questions here.
Do you struggle with understanding why everyone else just doesn't "get it?" --Yes everyday. What is wrong with YOU people!

Are you an emotionally intense person? --I think others would say so. I definitely like to make a statement and get out my opinions.

Do you see yourself as an artist, an intellectual, a creative, an intuitive? --I definitely consider myself the tragic artist/writer/poet

Do you live in another world than most people on the planet?-Yes I live on Tatooine “Never a more hive of scum and villainy”

Do you have unique abilities?--Im a little psychic… or just psycho lol

Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression, manic depression, ADHD, or some other mental illness and traditional treatments do not seem to address the problems?--Gee thanks for reminding me. But my meds do seem to be working, today.

Do you feel like no one understands you?--No one does understand me!

Have you tested extremely high (98 percentile or above) on traditional and/or multidimensional IQ/EQ tests?
--Yes and graduated top 3% of UC Berkeley class 1996

Does your life seem to be ruled by the creativity and emotion that is so prevalent within you?
---Yes and by PASSION too

Do you have a rich and exciting inner life that you have found difficult to share with others?--I don’t know about this. I don’t here voices (anymore)

Do you have an insatiable 'need to know' that no one understands? -No just an insatiable need for sex…. LOL

Well I guess I pass this crazy test. Here is more information on famous “crazies” like myself. It seems a lot of people I am influenced by were considered crazy too.
Sylvia Plath (author eventually committed suicide)
Winston Churchill and his 'black dog' of depression
Van Gogh (most famous 'schizophrenic')
Paul Merton (comedian who had breakdown just as getting famous. Seeing self on tv fuelled paranoia)
John Cleese(self confessed manic)
Ernest Hemmingway (reckons ECT stole his writing gift)
Joan of Arc (burned to death for hearing voices)
Alistair Campbell (Blair's right hand man. Blames breakdown on the booze)

And the list goes on…..

Our greatest blessings come to us by way of madness..
-Socrates

Many persons become poets, prophets, and sibyls, and, like Marcus the Syracusan, are pretty good poets while they are maniacal; but when cured can no longer write verse.
-Aristotle

Here is another link regarding crazy ass genius’s. This site lists Edgar Allen Poe, Socrates, and Leonardo DaVinci as being crazy.
crazy ass genius's

Famous Crazy Folks

We’re in Good Company: almost 300 names of well known people who have a psychiatric diagnosis of mental illness. Almost no one was "Glad" to be their friend until they became famous.
Ludwig van Beethoven, composer
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), general
Charles Darwin
Mozart, composer
Marilyn Monroe, actress
Anne Sexton, poet, 20th century
James Taylor, singer popular 1990
Walt Whitman, poet

Are we CRAZY or is everyone else just ASLEEP?! This is my question of the day.

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“Lobotomy Gets Them Home” -Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle

2008-12-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Repost from 6/21/2004

"I must relate the horrors as I recall them, in the hope that some force for mankind might be moved to relieve forever the unfortunate creatures who are still imprisoned in the back wards of decaying institutions". – Frances Farmer on her past experience as a mental patient

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" –Albert Einstein

Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle - Nirvana
It's so relieving
To know that you're leaving as soon as you get paid
It's so relaxing
To hear that you're asking wherever you get your way
It's so soothing
To know that you'll sue me, this is starting to sound the same

I miss the comfort in being sad (x3)
In her false witness, we hope you're still with us,
To see if they float or drown
Our favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, to burn all the liars,
And leave a blanket of ash on the ground

I miss the comfort in being sad (x3)

Im crazy give me a lobotomy!
Frances Farmer, Hollywood Starlet, lobotomized like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Coo coos Nest. Why? She was loud, she smoked, she drank, she talked back, she was headstrong, mouthy. She did not fit into the 50’s mold of womanhood.

Those damn crazy fuckers...
People who are different are often chastised, harassed, and sometimes killed, for not fitting societies mold. Near my redneck hometown, is the town of Steilacoom. Here is the infamous hospital that imprisoned Frances Farmer for much of her life. Within the walls of this sanitarium, Farmers creative spirit died, forever silencing a great mind.

Free to live?
I worry sometimes about what happens to “freaks” and “crazies” in society. My last post describes 3 teenagers wrongfully convicted of murder based on the “evidence” that they wore black clothes, read Stephan King, and listened to Metallica. Often times, society perceives someone as crazy for creativity, brilliance and nonconformism.

Im melting.... Im melting....
If I lived 200 years ago, would I have been burned at the stake for being a witch? If I lived in the 1950’s would I have been institutionalized and given a lobotomy? The answer is probably yes to both.

Western State Sanitarium
The ruins of Old Western State Sanitarium are about a 40-minute drive from my hometown. Here Francis Farmer was among thousands of “deviants” institutionalized and possibly lobotomized. Deviants were manic-depressives, gays and lesbians, outspoken nonconformists, recovering war veterans, and others.
Old Western State sits in ruins, with the boiler room remaining intact. According to folklore, it is haunted by many of the former residents.

Frances Farmer (info stolen from web)
Born in Seattle, Frances Farmer studied drama at the University of Washington, Seattle. In 1936, she went to Hollywood where she secured a seven-year contract with Paramount. In 1942, she was wrongfully declared 'mentally incompetent' and committed to a series of asylums and public mental hospitals, where eventually she received a lobotomy. After eleven years she was released, and spent some of the remaining years of her life tending the parents who had committed her and taking odd jobs. She appeared on "This Is Your Life" (1952), and ran her own TV show, "Frances Farmer Presents" (1958) for six years. She died of cancer in 1970.

Lobotomy -- This was par for the course for any “undesirable”, a way to control someone who would not be controlled, a way to cure “mental illness”. As gruesome and barbaric as this may seem to us now, hundreds of thousands would be lobotomized between 1935-1960. Dr Walter Freeman is known as the pioneer of lobotomy, he performed over 3,000, some in a mass assembly line butcher.

Description of Lobotomy (from web)
The procedure involved first knocking the patient unconscious with two or three jolts of electricity from an electroshock therapy machine. After the convulsions subsided and the patient lay insensate, Walter Freeman lifted the patient's eyelid and inserted an ice pick-like instrument called a leucotome through a tear duct. A few taps with a surgical hammer breached the bone. Freeman took a position behind the patient's head, pushed the leucotome about an inch and a half into the frontal lobe of the patient's brain, and moved the sharp tip back and forth. Then he repeated the process with the other eye socket.

The King of Lobotomy meets a Holywood Starlet
In the late 1940s at Western State Hospital in Steilacoom, Wash., Freemen met the movie actress Frances Farmer, according to Farmer's biographer William Arnold.

Farmer had been a patient there for five years, the victim of her family's intolerance of her unconventional and wild behavior. Whether Freeman lobotomized her remains unclear, though Arnold says he did. Farmer's relatives and Western State's staff psychiatrist at the time said it never happened, but Frank Freeman says his father verified Farmer's operation and identified her as the patient shown in the world's most famous lobotomy photograph, an oft-reproduced shot showing Freeman using his hairy and muscular arms to hammer the leucotome into a woman's eye at Western State as a crowd watched. Filmed interviews of Farmer made after her discharge from the hospital show a detached and flatly demeanored (though clearly intelligent) woman, an outcome consistent with lobotomy
Frances meets Freeman

Dr. Freeman

Western State Hospital
By any measure, Western State Hospital in the 1940s was a dismal place. More than 2,700 patients -- 500 more than the official capacity -- were crammed into its antiquated wards. Many patients were housed in decrepit, turn-of-the-century buildings, similar to one that had been destroyed by fire (killing two patients) in 1947. After the fire, a makeshift ward had been established in an unheated breezeway originally used as an exercise court. The area had been enclosed with canvas, but it provided little protection against wind, rain, and cold. The P-I found that it was still being used as a ward two years later.
Because of staff shortages, patients were being put to bed around 4 p.m. and kept there 12 hours. Inadequate salaries and poor living quarters complicated the problem of getting efficient help. Live-in ward attendants were housed in a basement with sagging floors and crumbling cement walls. Dr. William N. Keller, hospital superintendent, said the hospital needed about $8 million to improve the facilities and expand the staff, a figure far greater than what the Legislature was willing to provide. “People seem to be more interested in how cheaply they can take care of their mentally ill rather than how well,” he commented (P-I, 1949).
“Lobotomy Gets Them Home”
Given these conditions, hospital administrators were naturally interested in a new kind of surgery that promised to help psychologically disabled people leave the institution and return to useful lives: transorbital lobotomy. The procedure involved the insertion of a thin, icepick-like instrument called a leucotome under a patient’s eyelid and into the frontal lobes of the brain, where it was used to sever nerves thought to cause severe emotional disturbances. It was developed by Dr. Walter G. Freeman, a prominent Washington, D.C., neurologist and psychiatrist, whose motto was “lobotomy gets them home.”
Freeman demonstrated his technique at Western State Hospital on August 19, 1947, operating on 13 patients. At one point, a photographer snapped his picture, producing what has become the world’s most famous lobotomy photograph. The often-reproduced image shows Freeman wielding his leucotome on a comatose woman. Before his death in 1972, Freeman reportedly told his son Frank that the woman in the photograph was Frances Farmer.
said she had heard women on her ward “pleading” for lobotomies, because “They had been told the operation would sever the little nerve that controls one’s sense of grief” (Indianapolis Star). But she reportedly told Kibbee and other friends that she did not have the operation.

Western State Hospital and ghosts

Old Western State Sanitarium, Tacoma/Lakewood.

Tacoma - Lakewood - The Old Western State Sanitarium -Feelings of being watched, panic and sadness. On some rainy foggy night when the Moon is full, You can hear moans and footsteps in the late to early morning hours. Believed to be patients that once were institutionalized there. That place is in ruins now but there remains and boiler room underground that is where most the sounds are heard. The fence around also shakes when no one else is with you.

We will never forget you Frances!

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Psycho Serial Killers and the CURSE of Frank Black

2008-12-08T01:00:00.000-08:00
Repost from 10/27/04

Halloween Horror
I have always been fascinated and obsessed with serial killers and demonic characters. I spend time reading profiles from crime library, watching documentaries, and TV shows and movies on these subjects. On October 31, 1997 X-Files creator Chris Carter premiered a new series...Millennium. Like X-files, I obsessed over this show, and enjoyed watching the demise of the main character…Frank Black. MILLENNIUM followed the story of a retired FBI serial profiler, who moves his family to Seattle to escape from harm and then joins the Millennium Group to keep up the fight against evil. The Millennium Group is an X-Files conspiracy type consulting group made of former FBI agents and policemen. The series lasted three years, and I loved to watch Frank Black's journey as he looked into the mind of evil from serial killers to other evil people. Frank Black’s character got better as he became more demonic and dark.

Ode to a Serial Killer
The Movie Copycat. I enjoyed this movie, as profilers hunt down a copy cat murderer who copies the most notorious killers in history. Plus I think Harry Connick Jr is HOT AS HELL.

So, in honor of Halloween and the Curse of Frank Black, here is my list of some of my favorite serial killers.
Buwahahahahahaha

Eddie Gein
From Crime Library Site
“On November 17, 1957 police in Plainfield, Wisconsin arrived at the dilapidated farmhouse of Eddie Gein who was a suspect in the robbery of a local hardware store and disappearance of the owner, Bernice Worden. Gein had been the last customer at the hardware store and had been seen loitering around the premises.
Gein's desolate farmhouse was a study in chaos. Inside, junk and rotting garbage covered the floor and counters. It was almost impossible to walk through the rooms. The smell of filth and decomposition was overwhelming. While the local sheriff, Arthur Schley, inspected the kitchen with his flashlight, he felt something brush against his jacket.
When he looked up to see what it was he ran into, he faced a large, dangling carcass hanging upside down from the beams. The carcass had been decapitated, slit open and gutted. An ugly sight to be sure, but a familiar one in that deer-hunting part of the country, especially during deer season.
It took a few moments to sink in, but soon Schley realized that it wasn't a deer at all, it was the headless butchered body of a woman. Bernice Worden, the fifty-year-old mother of his deputy Frank Worden, had been found
While the shocked deputies searched through the rubble of Eddie Gein's existence, they realized that the horrible discoveries didn't end at Mrs. Worden's body. They had stumbled into a death farm.
The funny-looking bowl was a top of a human skull. The lampshades and wastebasket were made from human skin.
A ghoulish inventory began to take shape: an armchair made of human skin, female genitalia kept preserved in a shoebox, a belt made of nipples, a human head, four noses and a heart.
The more the looked through the house, the more ghastly trophies they found. Finally a suit made entirely of human skin. Their heads spun as they tried to tally the number of woman that may have died at Eddie's hands.”

"I didn't want to hurt them, I only wanted to kill them."
DAVID BERKOWITZ
When Son of Sam first struck on the morning of July 29, 1976, no one could expect that a serial killer was making his debut
David Berkowitz:
Calling himself the Son of Sam, this serial killer terrorized New York City in the late 1970s.
From this site
"As serial killers go it was not the most stimulating of sobriquets and Berkowitz, a desperate attention-seeker, seemed to realise that his audience wanted more. In the early hours of 17 April 1977 he blasted to death young lovers Alexander Esau and Valentina Suriani and left a handwritten letter in the middle of the street nearby, addressed to Captain Joe Borelli, the deputy chief of the Omega task force, which had been set up the previous month to hunt down The .44 Killer
The sender of the letter claimed he had been ordered to kill by his father, Sam, who he said was a vampire. The letter was not released to the public and only a handful of journalists were told of its contents. One of them was New York Daily News columnist Jimmy Breslin, who dropped several hints about it in his articles. On 30 May 1977 Berkowitz sent Breslin a letter and, after teasing for almost a week, the Daily News finally published it and dubbed the killer Son of Sam."

He has found God now and has this site. He writes: "Frankly, I can give you no good reason why I should even be considered for parole. I can, however, give you many reasons why I should not be. The loss of six lives and the wounding of even more are reasons enough."

"It wasn't as dark and scary as it sounds. I had a lotta fun . . . Killing somebody's a funny experience"
ALBERT DE SALVO

Boston Strangler
Albert De Salvo, serial killer and rapist who terrorized Boston women.
From this site "They found on him all the tools of "The Measuring Man", as police called him, a culprit that had been going around to women's homes and pretending to be a representative for a modeling agency, taking the young women's measurements Despite his success in raping an enormous number of women and getting away with it, De Salvo moved into murder on June 14, 1962. After breaking into the Boston home of Ann Slesers, 55, he strangled the woman with the belt of her housecoat and tied it in a bow around her neck. This odd signature would become a tradmark of The Strangler's which he used on his subsequent victims. 1963 saw "The Strangler" become more violent during his attacks. On March 9 De Salvo killed Mary Brown, 69, raping her as usual but crushing her skull and stabbing her with a fork several times before strangling her. He left the fork protruding from her breast. On May 6 he killed 23-year-old Beverly Samans, tying her to her bedposts and raping her repeatedly before strangling her and finally stabbing her corpse 22 times. He left his knife in the sink at the firl's apartment but it proved no help to police. Evelyn Corbin, 58, was the next victim when she was killed on September 8. Strangely De Salvo strangled Corbin with his bare hands but still put her nylons to use, tying them in the customary bow and looping them around one of her toes.
Despite admitting his guilt in the murders of 13 women, De Salvo never served time for the killings. Amazingly, the incomparable Bailey managed a plea bargain and his killer client plead guilt only to the innumerable sexual assaults and robberies, garnering a term of life in prison. He died in 1973, the victim of a stabbing in his cell."

"You feel the last bit of breath leaving their body. You're looking into their eyes. A person in that situation is God!"
TED BUNDY
"We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere.
And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow"
TED BUNDY

Ted Bundy:

The most frightening of serial killers: a handsome, educated psychopath who stalks and murders young college women. Who could have guessed at the evil in his soul? Ted Bundy who reigned terror across the United States during the 1970's. There were countless more victims before and after Joni who were not so fortunate to have lived. Some thirty-six women may have fallen prey to Bundy, but only he knew for sure. It is a number that Bundy has carried with him to his grave.

"I really screwed up this time."
JEFFREY DAHMER
A young man from a good family deviates into necrophilia and cannibalism, then lures boys to his apartment to be murdered and maimed. Jeffrey (Jeff) Dahmer was a runaway train to madness, a cannibal serial killer, who killed his male lovers to prevent them from rejecting him.

"I always had the desire to inflict pain on others and to have others inflict pain on me. I always seemed to enjoy everything that hurt. The desire to inflict pain, that is all that is uppermost."
ALBERT FISH
This gentle-looking grandfather cleverly lured children to their death, then devised recipes to eat them. This cannibal model for Hannibal Lector is a study in criminal psychology

"Kiss My Ass." ~John Wayne Gacy's final words before being executed
John Wayne Gacy
"Respectable" Chicago-area businessman hires young men to work in his contracting company, then rapes and murders scores of them, burying their bodies on his properties. He was a sharp businessman who had spent his time, when not building up his contracting company, hosting elaborate street parties for friends and neighbors, dressing as a clown and entertaining children at local hospitals. During a three-year-period, Gacy went on to viciously torture, rape and murder more than thirty other young men, who would later be discovered under the floorboards of his home and in the local river."

"I killed so many women I have a hard time keeping them straight"

"My plan was I wanted to kill as many women I thought were prostitutes as I possibly could," he said. "I picked prostitutes as my victims because I hate most prostitutes and I did not want to pay them for sex. I also picked prostitutes for victims because they were easy to pick up without being noticed."

Ridgway described how a young woman he was choking was looking at him while begging for her life. He said it taught him a lesson: to always make sure the victim isn't facing him, lest she be able to identify him if she survives.
Green River Murders
"Scores of women murdered in the Seattle area results in the longest running homicide investigation in U.S. history. Finally DNA evidence points the finger at Gary Leon Ridgway as the killer"

"I've killed no one. I've ordered no one to be killed. These children who come to you with their knives, they're your children. I didn't teach them, you did."
CHARLES MANSON
Chilling monster made followers kill on command.

"It's nothing you'd understand, but I do have something to say. In fact, I have a lot to say, but now is not the time or place. I don't know why I'm wasting my time or breath. But what the hell? As for what is said of my life, there have been lies in the past and there will be lies in the future. I don't believe in the hypocritical, moralistic dogma of this so-called civilized society. I need not look beyond this room to see all the liars, hater, the killers, the crooks, the paranoid cowards--truly trematodes of the Earth, each one in his own legal profession. You maggots make me sick-- hypocrites one and all. And no one knows that better than those who kill for policy, clandestinely or openly, as do the governments of the world, which kill in the name of God and country or for whatever reason the deem appropriate. I don't need to hear all of society's rationalizations, I've heard them all before and the fact remains that what is, is. You don't understand me. You are not expected to. You are not capable of it. I am beyond your experience. I am beyond good and evil, Legions of the night--night breed--repeat not the errors of the Night Prowler and show no mercy. I will be avenged. Lucifer dwells within us all. That's it" --Richard Ramirez's statement before he received sentencing at his trial.

"I love to kill people. I love to watch them die. I would shoot them in the head and they would wiggle and squirm all over the place, and then just stop. Or I would cut them with a knife and watch their faces turn real white. I love all that blood."

The Night Stalker
"Sadistic, psychopathic monster terrifies California suburbs, murdering, raping & brutalizing his victims. Richard Ramirez, called the Night Stalker now sits on San Quentin's death row. Despite his satanic views Ramirez has received numerous marriage proposals."

Robert Pickton
Now charged with 30 of 69 missing women. His wild parties included his victims, but in the most grotesque manner.

The Zodiac Killer
"Mysterious serial killer who has confounded investigators for over 30 years. The unsolved Zodiac murders are a bizarre and notorious Calif serial killer case which inspired one of the Dirty Harry movies. There have been many theories and suspects proposed."

"Sex is one of my downfalls. I get sex any way I can get it. If I have to force somebody to do it, I do . . . I rape them; I've done that. I've killed animals to have sex with them, and I've had sex while they're alive."
HENRY LEE LUCAS
"I took her bra and panties off and had sex with her. That's one of those things I guess that got to be a part of my life -- having sexual intercourse with the deadd."
HENRY LEE LUCAS
From this site "Henry Lee Lucas might be America’s most prolific serial killer. On the other hand, he might be the biggest liar since Baron von Munchhausen. After experiencing a self-described "religious conversion" in prison, he decided to bare his soul and confess to an astronomical number of murders. Later, however, he recanted most of his testimony. Among law enforcement officials, the exact number of his crimes remains a matter of debate. Still, even if Lucas’s final body counts falls far short of the five hundred victims he originally claimed, he nevertheless ranks as one if the most depraved serial killer in history. Subjected to untold horrors by his insanely abusive mother, Lucas began indulging in sadistic depravity while still a child. By thirteen, he was engaging in sex with his older half-brother, who also introduced Henry to the joys of bestiality and animal torture. One of their favorite activities was slitting the throats of small animals, then sexually violating the corpses."

Holidaze and Freddie Mercury

2008-11-11T20:02:00.000-08:00
REPOST FROM 11/21/04

Killer Queen Freddie
Bitch is Back

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world –

Sometimes I need to blast this song over and over. Its motivational music used in difficult times. Though I have computer access again, it’s dial-up and very hard to use. It’s slow, and impossible to go anywhere without it taking years to download.

Last night I had some drinks with a friend, Merlot and Shiraz. I’m a total wine connoisseur. It tasted really good and felt good too. I figure for special occasions I can drink;, it was my friends 52 birthday and all. Today, I felt hung-over and tired, and slept most of the day.

I started feeling depressed when I could not find my tabby cat Figaro. Last night I gave him a flea pill at 2 in the morning. He had been having irritation and reaction to the fleas and the Advantage. My black alpha male Crookshanks, is doing just fine. Figaro was losing fur and looking pretty shabby. Since I gave him that pill, I haven’t seen him. It’s now 8:00 at night. He didn’t come for food today at all. He could have gotten out when I smoked a cigarette, I don’t know. I’m scared he is sick and dying somewhere in my apartment. I’m so scared he is dead, or going to die. I’m just freaking out, and I’m scared to look because of what I will find. Crookshanks, I’m hoping, would let me know if something was wrong with his brother. He isn’t acting weird. I’m just freaking out, and getting sad and scared.

I always get depressed over the holidays and my birthday too. It fucking sucks, but it always seems to happen. I don’t know if my drinking wine is making this worse, or just my stresses about moving. I’m just having a semi panic-depression attack. I’m not telling you so you can feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself. I guess, if anyone can understand depression, and seasonal depression, you can relate. I just feel as if I am sinking down. If something has happened to my cat, its gonna really, really hurt me. I’m just praying it all will be okay. Hence, the Freddie Mercury. Just gotta keep listening to my Freddie and plugging away and surviving. We are the Champions!

Queen
The King

I miss you Freddie! Thank you for your guidance and inspiration. We love you.

Give Me My Vibrator or Give Me Death!

2008-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

President Bush,
I respect your recent win and I pledge to support you for the next four years. But please, I beg you, don’t take my vibrators away. I cant live without my daily orgasms, and my vibrator works so much better than the bathtub faucet or a shower massager. Plus, my hand gets really tired from rubbing so hard. Maybe I’m lazy, but nothing sets me off into an orgasm more than my vibrator. I just pray to God that I never have to go without it.

Support Our Troops
I think if we really want to support the wives of our Troops at war, we need to make sure they all have vibrators. I would like to start a group in collaboration with Operation Take One For the County, how about Operation Vibrate For Our Country? This group would provide vibrators and masturbation techniques to all the wives and girlfriends of our Troops serving overseas. I think this would greatly reduce the number of “Dear John” letters, and also empower these women sexually. I’m sure our “Boys” overseas would appreciate the efforts.

Vibrating Love
I use my vibrators when I’m alone and needing to relax and I also use my vibrator during sex. My vibrator helps keep me lubricated, which enables me to withstand hours and hours of cock pounding sex. Using a vibrator helps during anal sex, providing the utmost high. I have multiple orgasms during sex, thanks to my vibrator. My partner appreciates it too, because it’s less work for him and he so likes watching me squirm and gush when I cum.

Such a Full-Filling Experience
One of my boyfriends used to like to use vibrators in all my holes, with a massager on my clit and then stick his dick in my mouth. He loved to make me cum that way, and would always say I was “Full-Filled”. Vibrators totally enhance the love making experience and I believe we should all have safe access to them.

Naughty, Naughty Boy
One of my boyfriends used to like me to stick a lubricated vibrator up his ass. This was kinda fun in a Dominatrix style way. He also used to like to suck on the end of my reality shaped vibrator. I admit this turned me on too. Ah well different strokes for different folks.

I’m just saying we should all be able to use vibrators and sex toys in the privacy of our own homes. Please don’t take this right away from us.

Vader’s Celexa (stolen and modified from Nirvana’s Lithium)

2008-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00
REPOST From 12/2/04

I’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve fought some demons ...
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you ...
We’ve broken our mirrors
Monday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I’m not scared
Light my bubbler, in a daze
’cause I’ve found god
Yeah (x6)

I’m so lonely but that’s okay, I colored my hair ...
It’s flaming RED
And just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve heard ...
But I’m not sure
I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet you there ...
But I don’t care
I’m so horny, but that’s okay ...
Boytoy’s feel GOOD
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - I’m not gonna crack
I miss you - I’m not gonna crack
I love you - I’m not gonna crack
I killed you - I’m not gonna crack

As Eddie Vedder once said “I’m still alive”. Sometimes Im the walking dead Tim Robbins style. Other times Im as happy and perky as a sick and twisted John Huges film. Mostly Im numb and overwhelmed by all the shit I must do. Its easier to run and hide, then climb my mountain of tasks. With time running out, my short-timer syndrome has culminated completely.
Due to recent “black ass” bouts, my Celexa doubled dosed. This should keep me sane through the holidaze and move. Like fellow Pisces, depressed artist and Warshingtonian, Kurt Kobain said so well “I’m not gonna crack”. Unlike him, I wont go killing myself. Its something I think about, but the love of my child will always keep me going. Suicide is the most selfish of solutions.
Thanks again for your comments and support. My blog has been acting crazy from all the photos. I can’t open any links, and I doubt you guys can too. Sorry about that. I think of you all often, and send you love. I promise to come a visiting you soon. (hopefully tonight)
xxoooo

That terrible mood of depression of whether it's any good or not is what is known as The Artist's Reward.
Ernest Hemingway

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this
Charlie Brown

Give Me My Sex, Drugs, and RocknRoll....As Nasty as I Wanna Be!

2008-11-10T11:00:00.000-08:00
Repost from 11/6/04 CENSORED

Government of the people
For the people
By the people

[News reporter]:
Earlier today in Broward County,
appalling courtjudges upheld the previousruling
to ban the sale of Miami rap group the 2 Live Crew's
double-platinum album,
"Nasty As They Wanna Be," in Broward County.

[Someone else commenting]
"We think it's the banning of free speech.
First Amendment protects material, resultably."

Luke (being interviewed):
"We don't talk about, uh, harrassing and sexually
brutalizing women in my music, man!"
"We don't do that in my music, man! I'm tired of you
saying that!"

Verse 1: [Fresh Kid Ice]
We've got white-collar people trying to grab our style
Saying we're too nasty and we're 2 Live
Corrupted politicians playing games
Bringing us down to boost their fame
They must be joking thinking we will fall
But they're like flies movin' the wall
We stand tall from beginning to end
With the help from fans and all our friends
Freedom of speech will never die
For us to help, our ancestors died
Don't keep thinking that we will quit
We'll always stand and never sit
We're 2 live, 2 black, 2 strong
Doing the right thing, and not the wrong
So listen up, y'all, to what we say
We won't be banned in the U.S.A.!

Chorus: (3x)
Banned in the USA, I was

[Reporter]:
"Luke's concerts are for adults"

[Luke] (being interviewed):
"If it's an adult show you have to be 18"
"Our record is a year old, but with all the publicity,
there's a lot of people ... curiosity is around!"
"We're selling records to a totally different
audience."
"I take a precaution that nobody else has not stickered my
album, I made
TWO versions, two versions two versions.."

Verse 2: [Brother Marquis]
The First Amendment gave us freedom of speech
So what you sayin'? It didn't include me?
I like to party and have a good time
There's nothin' but pleasure written in our rhyme
I know you don't think we'll ever quit
We've got some people on our side who won't take your lip
We're gonna do all the things we wanna do
You can't stand to see a brother get as rich as you
This is the 90s and we're conin' on strong
Sayin' things and doin' things that you're sayin's wrong
Wisen up, 'cause on Election Day,
We'll see who's banned in the U.S.A.!

The United States of America
Government of the people
The United States of America
For the people
The United States of America
By the people
By the people

[Luke] (being interviewed):
"The show in Hollywood, that was for 21-and-over people,
they had police out there, cars of the people coming in the
club,
and they still arrested us for performing in front of
adults!"

[Luke] speech:
What is this??
Is this not America?
This is not China!
This is not Russia!
This is not the place where they brought down the wall, this is
America!
We have the right to say what we want to say,
we have the right to do what we want to do,
and what I do in my house, you might not do in your house!
So what I do in my house is my business!
And the simple fact of it all is that we are BONDED by the First
Amendment!
We have the freedom of EXPRESSION!
We have the freedom of CHOICE!
And you, Chinese, black, green, purple, Jew,
YOU have the right to listen to whoever you want to, and even
the 2 Live Crew!
So all you right-wingers, left-wingers, bigots, Communists,
there IS a place for you in this world!
Because this is the land of the FREE, the home of the BRAVE!
And 2 Live is what we are
-"Banned in the USA" 2 Live Crew

Vader believes in personal liberty. Personal religious beliefs should NEVER be mixed in government. What I do to my body is my business.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the freedom of press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. (Amendment 1,The Constitution of the United States.)

I believe in my rights guaranteed under the first amendment. To me, this is the freedom for lots of sex, drugs, and rocknroll.

SEX
If I want to have anal sex, that is my business. If I want to masturbate with dildos and vibrating pearl rabbits, that too is my business. If I want to have a hot, wicked lesbian threesome…that’s my choice, and my right. I should have full access to porn, if Im purchasing it from an adult establishment as an adult. Shit, if I covet and fuck my neighbors wife, that is still my choice, just because its morally wrong, it should not make it illegal. I have control of my body. If I chose to get pregnant as a teenager, and keep my child, that is my choice. If I get raped, and chose to have an abortion, its my right to have safe access. My body, my choice.

DRUGS
If I want to smoke pot, and use it as medicine for migraine or menstrual cramps that should be my right. Hell, I should be able to GROW my own plants for personal use. That is my right. I should be able to chose what I want to put into my body for medicinal value. Hell, if I want to smoke a cigarette or drink a beer after work, that is my right too. If I want to shoot myself up with heroine, let me do it. What good does the drug war serve other than to reinforce the power of the gangs and underworld?

ROCKNROLL
I believe in artistic freedom, and freedom of expression. Musicians should not be banned, no matter how offensive they may be. Even the Klu Klux Klan has a right to protest and gather, as much as I hate those fockers. I consider the work of Robert Mapplethorpe fine art. We should all have access to public library books without censorhip. Pee-Wee Herman should not be harassed for his taste in art. I stand behind the words of 2 Live Crew.

Fuck this hypersensitive, over-religious moral crusade to save the world.

GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Liberty

The state of a free person; exemption from subjection to the will of another claiming ownership of the person or services; freedom; -- opposed to slavery, serfdom, bondage, or subjection.

Freedom from imprisonment, bonds, or other restraint upon locomotion.

A privilege conferred by a superior power; permission granted; leave; as, liberty given to a child to play, or to a witness to leave a court, and the like.

Privilege; exemption; franchise; immunity enjoyed by prescription or by grant; as, the liberties of the commercial cities of Europe.

The place within which certain immunities are enjoyed, or jurisdiction is exercised.

A certain amount of freedom; permission to go freely within certain limits; also, the place or limits within which such freedom is exercised; as, the liberties of a prison.

A privilege or license in violation of the laws of etiquette or propriety; as, to permit, or take, a liberty.

The power of choice; freedom from necessity; freedom from compulsion or constraint in willing.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Benjamin Franklin

In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot...
- Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
- Thomas Jefferson

Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law,' because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the right of an individual
- Thomas Jefferson

Liberty has never come from government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of government. The history of liberty is the history of resistance.
- Woodrow Wilson

Were not gonna take it anymore… I would rather DIE on my feet than live on my knees

2008-11-02T18:15:00.000-08:00
Repost from 11/2/04

“I would rather DIE on my feet… than live on my knees!” -Vader’s Hero Magneto

Our Right to Protest Our Government
2000 was quite a year for me. This was my most political year, as I participated in and led several protests in Washington DC. My three most memorable protests occurred April 16, May 5, and July 4th. My activism and protesting stopped after the election in November. All of my activism and government protesting occurred while Bill Clinton was president. Due to our current political mayhem, I will briefly touch on my experience as a WTO activist. The other protest stories will have to wait for another post.

WTO Mayhem in DC
April 16, 2000, I participated in the WTO protest. From this Website “The next citizen showdown against corporate globalisation will be on April 16 and 17, when thousands of people come to Washington, D.C., to protest — through legal demonstrations and/or civil disobedience — the politics of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and World Bank”

She's Dressed in Black Again
For this protest, I dressed in all black, with my 24-hole Doc Martins and a black bomber jacket. The city of DC shut down all public transportation and businesses near the epicenter or Whitehouse. I didn’t know this until my Metro train stopped 8 blocks from where I planned on meeting friends on Pennsylvania avenue. The long walk alone, creeped me out, as I saw hundreds of police officers in riot gear giving me the stare down. From the will of God, I made my way to the meeting spot and found my friend’s who had came down from New York.

Anarchy in the Nation's Capitol
As we walked to the epicenter, I felt as if I was in a war zone. Everything was closed down. The usual vendors that littered the DC streets were absent. Helicopters flew overhead intimidating the crowds. We passed protestors crying and reddened from pepper spray. Fear and adrenaline filled the air as thick as thieves. I remember looking at a statue near the Whitehouse and seeing an anarchy symbol spray painted across.

The Black Brigade and Twisted Sister
Once we reached the epicenter, we joined the black brigade and began to march. The energy was the most amazing and incredible experience. We marched for several blocks chanting the lyrics to an 80’s Twisted Sister song.

Oh We're Not Gonna Take It
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
oh We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

we've Got The Right To Choose And
there Ain't No Way We'll Lose It
this Is Our Life, This Is Our Song
we'll Fight The Powers That Be Just
don't Pick Our Destiny 'cause
you Don't Know Us, You Don't Belong

oh We're Not Gonna Take It
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
oh We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

oh You're So Condescending
your Gall Is Never Ending
we Don't Want Nothin', Not A Thing From You
your Life Is Trite And Jaded
boring And Confiscated
if That's Your Best, Your Best Won't Do

oh.....................
oh.....................
we're Right/yeah
we're Free/yeah
we'll Fight/yeah
you'll See/yeah

oh We're Not Gonna Take It
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
oh We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

oh We're Not Gonna Take It
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
oh We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore
no Way!

oh.....................
oh.....................
we're Right/yeah
we're Free/yeah
we'll Fight/yeah
you'll See/yeah

we're Not Gonna Take It
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
we're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

we're Not Gonna Take It, No!
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
we're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

just You Try And Make Us
we're Not Gonna Take It
come On
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
you're All Worthless And Weak
we're Not Gonna Take It Anymore
now Drop And Give Me Twenty
we're Not Gonna Take It
oh Crinch Pin
no, We Ain't Gonna Take It
oh You And Your Uniform
we're Not Gonna Take It Anymore

The Election that Ended it All
-After Bush won the election later in the year, my protesting stopped. For one thing, I moved back to Washington State. I also did not feel safe protesting the government. This especially rang true after September 11, 2001 and the passage of the Patriot Act. Then the Iraq War happened, and being that I’m pro-military, I would never and have never protested the war. I support our troops 100%, and think they need all the advocacy and free blow jobs they can get.

Fight the Powers that Be - Flava Flav Style
In any event, I hope the spirit of fight is with us tonight with our election. Although, whoever wins, I will support our President and stand behind them. I got this from my yin/yang political sistah Blonde Sagacity’s blog. I too, promise to adhere to this.

Post-Election Pledge
After the election results are in, I promise to:
: Support the President, even if I didn't vote for him.
: Criticize the President, even if I did vote for him.
: Uphold standards of civilized discourse in blogs and in media while pushing both to be better.
: Unite as a nation, putting country over party, even as we work together to make America better.

Battling the Bulimic Beast

2008-11-01T09:20:00.000-07:00
Repost from 11/1/04

Fasting and My Campaign for Food
I survived my fast this weekend, despite being tempted by Halloween candy. For three days, I ate nothing; just powder 5 times and lots and lots of water. Did I mention the powder tastes like piss? You get used to it after a while, but usually your gagging it down the first time you taste it. Today, I’m eating fruits and vegetables, and powder. Slowly this week I will add back other foods, but remain on the diet and powder for another 15 days. It’s definitely been a test of will, especially considering my battle with bulimia. Knowing that you can control what you eat, and that you are NOT a slave to food feels totally empowering. Most of my life, my eating has been out of control, culminating in a serious eating disorder I battled for years. Since eating disorders are an emotional disease, it’s a demon I will fight the rest of my life. Although, I haven’t binged and purged or abused laxatives for years. But lets start from the beginning of this nasty tale shall we?

Broken Home Blues
I started comforting myself with food around the time of my parents divorce (first grade). In those days, kids could walk to the store by themselves, and my best friend and I would walk to the store and stock up on candy. I would proceed to devour the candy like a rabid beast, eating it all up within minutes. I would then move on to whatever sugar or carbs was available in my friend’s cupboard. Eating was so comforting; it made me feel sooooo good. I think binge eating helped me deal with the emotional turmoil occurring in my life.

Puking Up My Problems
The problem was, I would eat to the point of nausea. The only relief after eating so much would be to throw up. I didn’t do this for weight reasons, I was olive oil skinny. I just ate so much I had to vomit to relieve my stomach. Sometimes after vomiting, I would eat more, and vomit again. At first I had to stick my finger down my throat, then with experience, I only had to lean over the toilet bowl to achieve the desired effect.

Evidence of Crimes
I wasn’t too secretive about my binging and purging as a child. I’m sure my best friend noticed, and looking back now she realizes what I was doing. We just were not sure what it all meant, except that I was a candy whore. At home, I started doing things to feed my addiction like breaking into my older sisters Christmas cookies, or stealing change out of their bedrooms. The worst thing I probably did was stealing my older sister’s coin collection to use for candy. I just had to have my food fix and I really couldn’t help myself.

Depressed Turbulent Teenage Years
The bulimia became worse as I turned into a Depeche Mode teenager. Full of angst and self-hatred I did a lot of bad things to my body. When my mom married my step-dad, life got even worse. I hated my step-dad, and he hated me. He took over all the cooking and the kitchen. I rebelled by puking up every dinner he made for us. I think it was about control. I continued to binge and purge on junk food, but became more secretive about it. I remember one friend in high school taking me aside, and expressing concern about what I was doing. She had listened outside the bathroom door while I was puking up the junk food I scarfed down. I appreciated her concern, but really didn’t think I had a problem.

First Love Misery
My first serious high school boyfriend also suffered from bulimia. Misery loves company, and there is nothing more comforting to a bulimic that hooking up with an accomplice. We used to hit up all you can eat restaurants and eat ourselves silly. After the debauchery fest, we would drive to some abandoned parking lot and puke up all the food. It was just something we did together, and we really didn’t think about it too much.

Crazy Train Marriage
When I got pregnant at 19, I continued the binging but gave up the purging. Then, after my son was born, and when the marriage became more abusive and out of control, I took it up again. It was never a weight issue, after I had my son I was still 125 pounds (I’m 5’11). Food was my best friend, my comfort. Purging just helped relieve my body from the ill effects of binging. It was also something I could do really well.

Bezerkeley Buddy
After escaping the marriage and while attending UC Berkeley, I made friends with another neurotic grrrl, who also had bulimia. Once again, I had a partner in crime. We used to go on shopping sprees, buy tons of junkie food, and eat, and eat, and eat. We would then look at each other with empathetic watery eyes, after one of us returned from the bathroom. We knew by then, what we were doing was wrong. We knew it was bulimia. We just felt so out of control of our lives that we could not stop.

Those Little Pink Pills
At this time I started abusing laxatives. I realized that I could both puke up the food, and rid it from my body through laxatives. Let me tell you, laxative abuse is no fun, it fucks with your body big time. The laxative abuse can further do permanent damage to your digestive system. It’s really NOTHING to play around with.

Time to Take Control
I got serious with a boyfriend my senior year at Cal. He moved in with me, and it became hard for me to hide my problem. Realizing I was out of control and headed down a bad path, I got help. I took a semester off from school for medical purposes, and the University monitored my health through counseling, a nutritionist, and a psychiatrist. I made a conscious effort to control my eating, and have control of my life. Since that time, my condition has been somewhat controlled.

Conquering the Beast
Eating disorders are lifelong diseases. I still suffer from after effects in my teeth (they rot from the inside out) and occasional irritable bowel syndrome. Who knows how fucked up my esophagus is. I try not to think about that one. I haven’t purged or used laxatives in years. I still occasionally will binge, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge and quickly scarf down food. Food is still an addiction to me. That is why I feel so empowered doing this diet. The mind is a powerful weapon, and knowing that I can control my diet feels liberating. By doing this, I prove to myself that I am strong and in control my life.

Thanks to all of you for your support and for reading my crazy shizat. I posted some new pictures on my photoblog.

Happy Monday.

Kill Witches (Exodus 22:17 NAB)

2008-10-29T01:38:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/29/04

There is no doubt that certain witches can do
marvellous things with regard to male organs,
for this agrees with what has been
seen and heard by many . . .
Malleus Maleficarum I.9

"Kill Witches" (Exodus 22:17 NAB)

"You should not let a sorceress live." (Exodus 22:17 NAB)

"I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all."

"The damned whore Reason....
The Devil can so completely assume the human form, when he wants to deceive us, that we may well lie with what seems to be a woman, of real flesh and blood, and yet all the while 'tis only the Devil in the shape of a woman. 'Tis the same with women, who may think that a man is in bed with them, yet 'tis only the Devil; and...the result of this connection is oftentimes an imp of darkness, half mortal, half devil...."
-Martin Luther Quotes

The Wicked Witch
Since childhood, I have identified myself as a witch. I have always had eerie feelings of decapitation or hanging that I attribute to past life experiences. I love the color black, I’m highly sexual, odd, and a sharp tongued, smart and independent woman. I most definitely would have been burned at the stake if I lived in Europe during the Burning Times and Witch Craze. Recently a moon circle invited me to join their closed and personal group. I attended a Yule celebration but never committed to the circle. I’m just not ready to commit to any religion as yet. During WTO I participated with an activist circle led by Starhawk. I have cast circles with small groups and on my own, and practice a sort of “kitchen magic”. I still pray every night to God, and sometimes attend Lutheran church services, and I have a Buddhist altar in my bedroom. (I obtained a gohonzo at 18, and need to really practice). Very eclectic in my religion and my beliefs, I still strongly identify as a modern day witch.

Samhain Approaches
With Samhain approaching, and the full moon in effect, I thought I would write a post on Witches. From this website here is a Wiccan definition of Samhain
“Pronounced "sow-in," Samhain is the time during which life and death walk hand in hand. On this day, the veil that separates the worlds (our plane of living and the plane of the dead) is at its thinnest. Many things are possible on this holiday. The God has arrived at the edge of live and is conceived as a seed that will be reborn soon. The Goddess in the form of the Crone rules, teaching us lessons and allowing our ancestors to guide us. this is a time to remember and honor those who have gone before us. Because it is the Wiccan "new year" it is also a time to cut away practices and behaviors that inhibit our growth, and the Crone is present to assist in removing that which is unhealthy from our lives. It is also a time to plan for the future through divination practices. Appropriate rituals include contacting ancestors within sacred circle, honoring the lives of those who have gone before us, releasing destructive habits, divination activities, and all transformation rituals.” How fitting that I am detoxing and releasing toxins from my body at this time!

The Burning Times
One of the worst holocausts in history was the Witch Craze or Burning Times that happened in Europe. Thousands to millions of women were murdered for “witchcraft”. A small trinkle of this can be seen in US history with the Salem witch trials. This hysteria still lingers today.

Whose a Witch?
King James I estimated that the ratio of women to men who succumbed to witchcraft was twenty to one. Of those formally persecuted for witchcraft, between 80 to 90 percent were women.

Women accused of killed for witch craft typically were:
Midwives,
Native healers,
Single women who lived alone, and/or who owned property,
People against whom neighbors had a grudge,
Practitioners of ancient Pagan rituals,
Innocent individuals who were accused by other victims, often under torture,
People who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Sexualy attractive or sexually active women

From This Site
"For three centuries of early modern European history, diverse societies were consumed by a panic over alleged witches in their midst. Witch-hunts, especially in Central Europe, resulted in the trial, torture, and execution of tens of thousands of victims, about three-quarters of whom were women. Arguably, neither before nor since have adult European women been selectively targeted for such largescale atrocities.

The process of formally persecuting witches followed the harshest inquisitional procedure. Once accused of witchcraft, it was virtually impossible to escape conviction. After cross- examination, the victim's body was examined for the witch's mark. The historian Walter Nigg described the process:
...she was stripped naked and the executioner shaved off all her body hair in order to seek in the hidden places of the body the sign which the devil imprinted on his cohorts. Warts, freckles, and birthmarks were considered certain tokens of amorous relations with Satan.

Should a woman show no sign of a witch's mark, guilt could still be established by methods such as sticking needles in the accused's eyes. In such a case, guilt was confirmed if the inquisitor could find an insensitive spot during the process.
Confession was then extracted by the hideous methods of torture already developed during earlier phases of the Inquisition. "Loathe they are to confess without torture," wrote King James I in his Daemonologie. A physician serving in witch prisons spoke of women driven half mad:
...by frequent torture... kept in prolonged squalor and darkness of their dungeons... and constantly dragged out to undergo atrocious torment until they would gladly exchange at any moment this most bitter existence for death, are willing to confess whatever crimes are suggested to them rather than to be thrust back into their hideous dungeon amid ever recurring torture.

Unless the witch died during torture, she was taken to the stake. Since many of the burnings took place in public squares, inquisitors prevented the victims from talking to the crowds by using wooden gags or cutting their tongue out. Unlike a heretic or a Jew who would usually be burnt alive only after they had relapsed into their heresy or Judaism, a witch would be burnt upon the first conviction.
Sexual mutilation of accused witches was not uncommon. With the orthodox understanding that divinity had little or nothing to do with the physical world, sexual desire was perceived to be ungodly. When the men persecuting the accused witches found themselves sexually aroused, they assumed that such desire emanated, not from themselves, but from the woman. They attacked breasts and genitals with pincers, pliers and red-hot irons. Some rules condoned sexual abuse by allowing men deemed "zealous Catholics" to visit female prisoners in solitary confinement while never allowing female visitors. The people of Toulouse were so convinced that the inquisitor Foulques de Saint-George arraigned women for no other reason than to sexually abuse them that they took the dangerous and unusual step of gathering evidence against him.

Witch-hunting secured the conversion of Europe to orthodox Christianity. Through the terror of the witch hunts, reformational Christians convinced common people to believe that a singular male God reigned from above, that he was separate from the earth, that magic was evil, that there was a powerful devil, and that women were most likely to be his agents. As a by-product of the witch hunts, the field of medicine transferred to exclusively male hands and the Western herbal tradition was largely destroyed. The vast numbers of people brutalized and killed, as well as the impact upon the common perception of God, make the witch hunts one of the darkest chapters of human history although the age of witch hunts had a distinct beginning and end, the rhetoric of witch hunters belongs to a discursive pattern with substantial continuities stretching at least from the time of Christian origins into the present day."

From This Site
"The first and most influential of the witch hunting manuals was the notorious Malleus Maleficarum authored by the Dominican monks and inquisitors Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger. It was followed by other texts that described, often in lurid detail, the alleged practices of witches, or that outlined the procedures for conducting a trial of a witch. These texts established the principle elements in the fantastic structure of witch beliefs that permeated Europe for two centuries: that witches indulged in abominably deviant sex with one another and with the devil, that they interfered in natural reproduction, that they caused death and disease, that they renounced their Christian faith—in short that they threatened every form of religious and secular order.

Prophets liken idolatry to “whoring,” thus linking femininity to false worship and illicit sex; and the early church father Tertullian assimilates all women to Eve as “the devil’s gateway,” thus linking femininity to transgression and death.
Published in 1486, the Malleus was accompanied by a Papal Bull exhorting secular authorities to extend all necessary aid to the authors’ efforts to crush the threat of witchcraft. The text is divided into three parts that define witchcraft, describe what witches do, and instruct judges in the conduct of a witch’s trial. Reprinted continually during the age of witch hunting, the work profoundly influenced the course of the hunts."

European Witch Hunt Links

These books were very influential to me in my study of witchcraft.

Witches, Midwives, and Nurses: A History of Women Healers
by Barbara Ehrenreich
From Amazon.com "This dandy little booklet quickly and concisely explains why it is that 93% of the doctors in this country are men even though women make up 70% of all healthcare workers. If you assumed that men are the doctors because they were the pioneers of the healing arts, then this booklet will open your eyes. Barbara Ehrenrich and Deirdre English show how, for reasons of class politics, women's suppression and naked greed, wealthy men discredited, persecuted and outright killed the wisewomen healers, leaving themselves to be the sole practitioners of their "scientific" medicine. The information presented here gives a whole new perspective to medical history and points to some of the causes underlying our current healthcare mess."

Drawing Down the Moon: Witches, Druids, Goddess-Worshippers, and Other Pagans in America Today
by Margot Adler
Amazon.com
Popular demand for this clear-sighted compendium of information about the rebirth of Pagan religions hasn't waned since its initial publication in 1979. Distinguished by the journalism of National Public Radio columnist Margot Adler, Drawing Down the Moon explains this diverse and burgeoning religion's philosophies and activities while dispelling stereotypes that have long been associated with it. Most people don't realize that pagan simply refers to pre-Christian polytheistic nature religions, such as the various Native American creeds, Japanese Shinto, Celtic Druid, and Western European Wicca. Originally, the word pagan meant "country dweller" and was a derogatory term in Rome in the third century A.D., not unlike calling someone a hick today. If you find yourself feeling queasy when you hear the words witch or pagan, a healthy dose of reeducation via Drawing Down the Moon could be the cure. --P. Randall Cohan

Spiral Dance, The - 20th Anniversary : A Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Goddess: 20th Anniversary Edition
by Starhawk
Amazon.com
"The original book that brought Goddess worship to the public eye has marked its 10th anniversary, yet it still remains an integral part of the Wiccan canon. The Spiral Dance leans heavily toward the feminist aspects of Wicca, but Starhawk's comments on the new edition make it clear that she is aware of the growing male presence in witchcraft. However, this edition is not some watered down, politically correct revision of the original. Very little is changed aside from the addition of Starhawk's observations on how the book has weathered its first decade, and what few changes she would make if she were writing it today. Readers interested in learning more about contemporary witchcraft, whether considering Wicca as a way of life or simply desiring to understand this earth-based religion, will find a wealth of information in The Spiral Dance, and will notice that it becomes one of the most frequently consulted books in their Wicca libraries."

On a personal note, today I started my 3 day fast….no food. Yesterday I ate only fruits and vegetables. Its amazing how in control you feel of your life when going through a cleanse. It’s a great thing for anyone who felt "out of control" for a spell. It helps take back the power of your mind and body, and know that you can do anything you put your mind to.

Blessed Be!

Machiavellian Love Fest

2008-10-20T21:03:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/20/04

Infamy Discovered in English 202
In my English 202 class at San Diego City College, the professor forced us to read this book “the Prince” by Niccolo Machiavelli. I didn’t realize at the time, how influential this book would be in my understanding of politics, war, and political power. “The Prince”, which I still own, revolutionized the world, and serves as political science gospel. Vestiges of Machiavellian teachings control modern political power.

Influence and Big Brother
It can be argued that most rulers or presidents, base their reign on these tactics. Hitler and his Nazi’s serve as perfect examples. The liberal slut Lia pointed out a priceless quote by Nazi leader Hermann Goering that blew my mind, and totally reminded me of Machiavelli. Then take Machiavelli, Goering’s quotes and read George Orwell’s 1984 and Kabam. Total mind blow.

So, in response to my last post of quotes… here is another for you. Machiavelli quotes, followed by some Goering quotes, then Orwell, then followed by a surprise (that does tie in to Machiavelli).

Think, analyze and enjoy.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Niccolò Machiavelli Site From site "Machiavelli is the key figure in the realistic political theory of the Renaissance and crucial to later political philosophy and political science.
He was the author of The Prince, a work intended to be an instruction book for rulers. In it, he advocated the theory that whatever was expedient was necessary - an early example of utilitarianism and realpolitik as these theories were elaborated later, especially in the 20th century"

Prince article
"Niccolo Machiavelli's The Prince is arguably the most popular book about politics ever written. Its observations about human behavior are as true today as they were five hundred years ago. In this book, Machiavelli offers advice to politicians regarding how to gain power and how to keep it.

Although modern readers think that a "prince" is someone who is destined to inherit control of his country, the princes of Machiavelli's time were by no means that secure: the prince had to be careful to keep the support of his citizens if he wanted to remain in power. The methods that Machiavelli suggests for leaders to keep public support are just as relevant for today's elected officials as they were for leaders of the sixteenth century."

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil.
Niccolo Machiavelli

He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Hence it comes about that all armed Prophets have been victorious, and all unarmed Prophets have been destroyed.
Niccolo Machiavelli

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Niccolo Machiavelli

It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
Niccolo Machiavelli

It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.
Niccolo Machiavelli

It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Men are so simple and yield so readily to the desires of the moment that he who will trick will always find another who will suffer to be tricked.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Men ought either to be indulged or utterly destroyed, for if you merely offend them they take vengeance, but if you injure them greatly they are unable to retaliate, so that the injury done to a man ought to be such that vengeance cannot be feared.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Men rise from one ambition to another: first, they seek to secure themselves against attack, and then they attack others.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Nature that framed us of four elements, warring within our breasts for regiment, doth teach us all to have aspiring minds.
Niccolo Machiavelli

No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain.
Niccolo Machiavelli

One change always leaves the way open for the establishment of others.
Niccolo Machiavelli

One who deceives will always find those who allow themselves to be deceived.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Politics have no relation to morals.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Princes and governments are far more dangerous than other elements within society.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Severities should be dealt out all at once, so that their suddenness may give less offense; benefits ought to be handed ought drop by drop, so that they may be relished the more.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Since it is difficult to join them together, it is safer to be feared than to be loved when one of the two must be lacking.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Tardiness often robs us opportunity, and the dispatch of our forces.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The chief foundations of all states... are good laws and good arms. And as there cannot be good laws where there are not good arms... where there are good arms there must be good laws...
Niccolo Machiavelli

The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The first method for estimating the intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The main foundations of every state, new states as well as ancient or composite ones, are good laws and good arms you cannot have good laws without good arms, and where there are good arms, good laws inevitably follow.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The new ruler must determine all the injuries that he will need to inflict. He must inflict them once and for all.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The one who adapts his policy to the times prospers, and likewise that the one whose policy clashes with the demands of the times does not
Niccolo Machiavelli

The promise given was a necessity of the past: the word broken is a necessity of the present.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The question is, then, do we try to make things easy on ourselves or do we try to make things easy on our customers, whoever they may be?
Niccolo Machiavelli

The wise man does at once what the fool does finally.
Niccolo Machiavelli

The wish to acquire more is admittedly a very natural and common thing; and when men succeed in this they are always praised rather than condemned. But when they lack the ability to do so and yet want to acquire more at all costs, they deserve condemnation for their mistakes.
Niccolo Machiavelli

There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.
Niccolo Machiavelli

There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.
Niccolo Machiavelli

To understand the nature of the people one must be a prince, and to understand the nature of the prince, one must be of the people.
Niccolo Machiavelli

War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope except in arms.
Niccolo Machiavelli

War should be the only study of a prince. He should consider peace only as a breathing-time, which gives him leisure to contrive, and furnishes as ability to execute, military plans.
Niccolo Machiavelli

We cannot attribute to fortune or virtue that which is achieved without either.
Niccolo Machiavelli

When you disarm the people, you commence to offend them and show that you distrust them either through cowardice or lack of confidence, and both of these opinions generate hatred...
Niccolo Machiavelli

Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Whoever conquers a free town and does not demolish it commits a great error and may expect to be ruined himself.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Whosoever desires constant success must change his conduct with the times.
Niccolo Machiavelli

A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise.
Niccolo Machiavelli

A return to first principles in a republic is sometimes caused by the simple virtues of one man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example.
Niccolo Machiavelli

A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Before all else, be armed.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Benefits should be conferred gradually; and in that way they will taste better.
Niccolo Machiavelli

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.
Niccolo Machiavelli

"In the United States today, the Declaration of Independence hangs on schoolroom walls, but foreign policy follows Machiavelli."
Howard Zinn

"Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country"
Hermann Goering

I joined the party because I was a revolutionary, not because of any ideological nonsense. I am what I have always been: the last Renaissance man, if I may be allowed to say so.
Hermann Goering

Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat.
Hermann Goering

Later in the conversation, Gilbert recorded Goering's observations that the common people can always be manipulated into supporting and fighting wars by their political leaders
Hermann Goering

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders."
Hermann Goering

(Bio From Website) Hermann Wilhelm Göring (also spelled Hermann Goering in English) (January 12, 1893 — October 15, 1946) was a prominent and early member of the Nazi party, founder of the Gestapo, and one of the main architects of Nazi Germany. He is often quoted from the Nuremberg Diary, a book containing interviews of top Nazi Officials during the Nuremberg Trials, written by an intelligence officer and psychologist, Gustave Gilbert.

Göring surrendered to American troops on May 8/9, 1945 in Austria and was the highest ranking Nazi official brought before the Nuremberg Trials. Though he defended himself vigorously, he was sentenced to death; the judgement stated that "his guilt is unique in its enormity". Defying the sentence imposed by his captors, he committed suicide with a cyanide capsule handed to him by Erich von dem Bach the night before he was supposed to be hanged

George Orwell 1984 Quotes

Nearly all children nowadays were horrible. What was worst of all was that by means of such organizations as the Spies they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages, and yet this produced in them no tendency whatever to rebel against the discipline of the Party. On the contrary, they adored the Party and everything connected with it… All their ferocity was turned outwards, against the enemies of the State, against foreigners, traitors, saboteurs, thought-criminals. It was almost normal for people over thirty to be frightened of their own children

"And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. 'Who controls the past' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.'"

"Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct; nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary."

"If there was hope, it must lie in the proles, because only there, in those swarming disregarded masses, eighty-five percent of the population of Oceania, could the force to destroy the Party ever be generated."

"Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious." - referring to the proles

"In Oceania at the present day, Science, in the old sense, has almost ceased to exist. In Newspeak there is no word for 'Science.' The empirical method of thought, on which all the scientific achievements of the past were founded, is opposed to the most fundamental principles of Ingsoc."

"The citizen of Oceania is not allowed to know anything of the tenets of the other two philosophies, but he is taught to execrate them as barbarous outrages upon morality and common sense. Actually, the three philosophies are barely distinguishable…"

"It was curious to think that the sky was the same for everybody, in Eurasia or Eastasia as well as here. And the people under the sky were also very much the same—everywhere, all over the world, hundreds or thousands of millions of people just like this, people ignorant of one another's existence, held apart by walls of hatred and lies, and yet almost exactly the same—people who had never learned to think but were storing up in their hearts and bellies and muscles the power that would one day overturn the world."

“Tupac being shot after leaving a theater with a friend, which is very similar to how he was shot in real life. He ends up as an angel in heaven. In the video Hail Mary released under the name Makaveli, there is a gravestone by that name. But the gravestone is cracked and there is a hole right in front of it, leading believers to infer that Makaveli rose from the dead. Machiavelli was a 16th century Italian philosopher who advocated the staging of one’s death in order to evade one’s enemies and gain power. Tupac studied Machiavelli in depth while in prison. Perhaps Tupac is taking his advice? Machiavelli wrote two books before his death. Machiavelli’s books were called Book 1 and Book 2. The CDs of 2Pac’s All Eyez On Me are entitled the same.” Quote stolenfrom this site

Now can your mind picture, a thug nigga drinkin hard liquor
This ghetto life has got me catchin up to God quicker
Who would figure that all I need was a hair trigger
semi-automatic Mack 11 just to scare niggaz
Pardon my thug poetry, but suckers is born everyday
and fear of man - grow on trees
Criminal ties for centuries, a legend in my own rhymes
So niggaz whisper when they mention
Machiavelli was my tutor Donald Goines, my father figure
Moms sent me to go play with the drug dealers
Hits fall, we thug niggaz and we came in packs.
Every one of niggaz strapped sippin on 'nac (Cognac)
In the back, my AR-15
Thuggin till I die, these streets got me cravin thorazine
My lyrics are blueprints to money makin
Fat as that ass that honey shakin
-Tupac in Tradin War Stories

Give me liberty or give me death!

2008-10-18T19:46:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/18/04

Politics and history seem forever intertwined. With our current election near, I threw together some political quotes for you all to enjoy. History serves as a lesson in democracy, freedom and liberty.

Enjoy

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights...That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed. – Declaration of Independence

Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!
---Patrick Henry

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal. – Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Our country—this great Republic—means nothing unless it means the triumph of a real democracy, the triumph of popular government. – Theodore Roosevelt

Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a President and senators and congressmen and government officials, but the voters of this country. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

That this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. – Abraham Lincoln

Suffrage is the pivotal right. – Susan B. Anthony

Nothing worth gaining is ever gained without effort. The people who say that they have not time to attend to politics are simply saying that they are unfit to live in a free community. – Theodore Roosevelt

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die. – Eleanor Roosevelt

...The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty and the destiny of the republican model of government are justly considered, perhaps, as 'deeply', as 'finally', staked on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people. – George Washington

Democracy is no easy form of government. Few nations have been able to sustain it. For it requires that we take the chances of freedom; that the liberating play of reason be brought to bear on events filled with passion; that dissent be allowed to make its appeal for acceptance; that men chance error in their search for the truth. – Robert F. Kennedy

Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
--Alexander Hamilton

"It's going to be the ballot or the bullet."-- Malcolm X

"Vote early and vote often." --Al Capone

Differences in political opinion are as unavoidable as, to a certain point, they may perhaps be necessary."
-- George Washington (1732-99),

The voice of the people has been said to be the voice of God; and, however generally this maxim has been quoted and believed, it is not true to fact. The people are turbulent and changing, they seldom judge or determine right
--Alexander Hamilton

"I know no safe depositary of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power." --Thomas Jefferson

"The most effectual means of preventing [the perversion of power into tyranny are] to illuminate, as far as practicable, the minds of the people at large, and more especially to give them knowledge of those facts which history exhibits, that possessed thereby of the experience of other ages and countries, they may be enabled to know ambition under all its shapes, and prompt to exert their natural powers to defeat its purposes." --Thomas Jefferson

"Convinced that the people are the only safe depositories of their own liberty, and that they are not safe unless enlightened to a certain degree, I have looked on our present state of liberty as a short-lived possession unless the mass of the people could be informed to a certain degree." --Thomas Jefferson
The right to vote...is the primary right by which other rights are protected – Thomas Paine

Those who stay away from the election think that one vote will do no good: 'Tis but one-step more to think one vote will do no harm. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. – Margaret Mead

The right of every American to first-class citizenship is the most important issue of our time. – Jackie Robinson

The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged... – 26th Amendment to the Constitution

The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all. – John F. Kennedy

The most basic right of all was the right to choose your own leaders. The history of this country, in large measure, is the history of the expansion of that right to all of our people. – Lyndon B. Johnson

The vote is the most powerful instrument ever devised by man for breaking down injustice and destroying the terrible walls that imprison men because they are different from other men. – Lyndon B. Johnson

It was my firm conviction that if the Negro achieved the ballot throughout the South, many of the problems which we faced would be solved. Once we gained the ballot, we would see a new day in the South. I had come to see that one of the most decisive steps that the Negro could take was a short walk to the voting booth. – Martin Luther King

"Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican."
-Lisa Simpson

"If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in government to the utmost."
-- Aristotle (384-322 BC),

"Personally, I'm in favor of democracy, which means that the central institutions of society have to be under popular control. Now, under capitalism, we can't have democracy by definition. Capitalism is a system in which the central institutions of society are in principle under autocratic control. Thus, a corporation or an industry is, if we were to think of it in political terms, fascist; that is, it has tight control at the top and strict obedience has to be establishedat every level--there's little bargaining, a little give and take,but the line of authority is perfectly straightforward. Just as I'm opposed to political fascism, I'm opposed to economic fascism. I think that until the major institutions of society are under the popular control of participants and communities, it's pointless to talk about democracy."
-- Noam Chomsky (b. 1928),

"It is the common failing of totalitarian regimes that they cannot really understand the nature of our democracy. They mistake dissent for disloyalty. They mistake restlessness for a rejection of policy. They mistake a few committees for a country. They misjudge individual speeches for public policy." (Answering North Vietnamese charge that US could not endure)
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-73),

"It is a commonplace that the history of civilisation is largely the history of weapons. In particular, the connection between the discovery of gunpowder and the overthrow of feudalism by the bourgeoisie has been pointed out over and over again. And though I have no doubt exceptions can be brought forward, I think the following rule would be found to be generally true: that ages in which the dominant weapon is expensive or difficult to make will be ages of despotism, whereas when the dominant weapon is cheap and simple, the common people have a chance. Thus, for example, tanks, battleships and bombing planes are inherently tyrannical weapons, while rifles, muskets, long-bows and hand-grenades are inherently democratic weapons. A complex weapon makes the strong stronger, while a simple weapon --so long as there is no answer to it-- gives claws to the weak."
-- George Orwell (1903-50), British writer, "Animal Farm

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."
-- (George) Orson Welles (1915-85),

"Man is by nature a political animal."
-- Aristotle (384-322 BC),

In politics stupidity is not a handicap."
-- Napolean Bonaparte (1769-1821),

"The notion of political correctness . declares certain topics. certain expressions . even certain gestures off-limits. What began as a crusade for civility has soured into a cause of conflict and even censorship."
-- George Herbert Walker Bush (b. 1924),

"One of the most basic principles for making and keeping peace within and between nations. . . is that in political, military, moral, and spiritual confrontations, there should be an honest attempt at the reconciliation of differences before resorting to combat."
-- James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, Jr. (b. 1924),

Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say, Trust me, they're actually being very un-American."
-- David Duchovny,

All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field."
-- Albert Einstein (1875-1955),

"The political lesson of Watergate is this: Never again must America allow an arrogant, elite guard of political adolescents to by-pass the regular party organization and dictate the terms of a national election."
-- Gerald R. Ford (b. 1913),

"I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical."
-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826),

"I wish I could give you a lot of advice, based on my experience of winning political debates. But I don't have that experience. My only experience is at losing them."
-- Richard Milhouse Nixon (1913-94),

“Certainly in the next 50 years we shall see a woman president, perhaps sooner than you think. A woman can and should be able to do any political job that a man can do."
-- Richard Milhouse Nixon (1913-94),

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
-- Plato (427?-347? BC),

“I wish that all Americans would realize that American politics is world politics."
-- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919),

"In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing."
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910),

“For the ordinary man is passive. Within a narrow circle (home life, and perhaps the trade unions or local politics) he feels himself master of his fate, but against major events he is as helpless as against the elements. So far from endeavouring to influence the future, he simply lies down and lets things happen to him."
-- George Orwell (1903-50),

"I mean to live my life an obedient man, but obedient to God, subservient to the wisdom of my ancestors; never to the authority of political truths arrived at yesterday at the voting booth."
-- William Frank Buckley, Jr. (b. 1925),

“Information is the currency of democracy."
-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826),

Tarantino Style “Professionals” and the Red Light District

2008-10-14T10:00:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/14/04

Women Opinion and Sex
After some interesting and articulate comments left by Won and Sloth on my Hooters post, I got to thinking about my radical views of the sex industry. Being as I hold a B.A. in Women Studies from Berkeley (I also have a B.A. in History), this kinda makes me a token feminist. However, like the comments from Won and Sloth prove, not all feminists think alike. One issue, with varied opinions is prostitution, pornography and the sex industry. This disagreement can be seen by “famous” feminists such as Andrea Dworkin and Camile Paglia. Some say the sex industry enslaves and objectifies women, other argue that women can reclaim their sexuality through the sex industry and use it for empowerment and financial gain. Nina Hartley, my favorite porn star, is once such feminist.

Buying a Cock Ring in Texas… Personal Consent and Liberty
As an American, liberty and personal consent mean a lot to me. If you want to play with a vibrating dildo in Texass you should be able to. If two gay men want to fuck each other’s brains out in the Deep South, this is their right. If I want to medicate with marijuana, I should be granted safe access. If a busy businessman or Charlie Sheen type desires a quick blowjob to relax, he should also be given safe access. Society should not be dictated by the religious beliefs or morals of others.

Sexin in Amsterdam and the Red Light District
Going to Amsterdam in late 2000, blew my mind. This was a full paid trip for my job as a Cannabis Cup coordinator. The ethics and tolerance of the Dutch amazed and inspired me. Though the magazine funding my trip put me up in my own room, I happily allowed a 23-year-old son of one of the speakers to “bunk” with me. He was this hot, young, punk rock kid, who soon became my assistant and “assistant”. After the Cannabis Cup Awards party, when my official work ended, my “assistant” and I headed to the red-light district. We had hoped to find a live sex show, but since getting there so late, those businesses had closed. We did get to walk down the cobblestone old world roads, and glimpse in the windows of the working girls. Though high from MDMA, cannabis, and lots of sexing with the 23-year-old, I still vividly recall my impressions. Girls in bikinis or evening ware, talking on the phone, or painting their nails, causally sitting in a small window front, on display for the passing crowds. The area seemed clean and highly touristy. I thought to myself “now this is the way to do it”.

American Streetwalkers and Crack Motels
I could never be a prostitute, mainly because I cannot have sex with someone I’m not attracted too. Some grrrls posses that gift, in a sex therapy sort of way, and God bless em! Growing up, prostitution always confused me. Movies like Pretty Woman and American Gigilo glamorized this industry, and was in sharp contrast to what I would see on the streets. My first glimpse of real prostitutes came from urban areas, like Seattle, San Diego, and San Francisco. I would see these women hanging out on street corners or around crack motels. Some of them looked like real trash, dirty, gross, and unclean. The best looking streetwalkers I have seen were in Washington DC, these chicks walk around in bikinis and fur coats and talk on cell phones. More upscale, and aimed at the political crowd. A streetwalker’s motivation for selling her body and soul likely is money and/or drugs. The Pimps Up Hoes Down reality of the business can be truly frightening.

Decriminilization and Improved “Working” Conditions
However, in places like Amsterdam, Nevada, and Canada the seedy element of prostitution has been somewhat been removed. Working grrrls have access to health care, good pay, and even unionization. "I am not blind for such big problems as forced prostitution and venereal diseases; but you can't solve these problems by banning it. On the contrary you solve them by better regulations concerning working conditions, safety and hygiene. Problems like forced prostitution don't have anything to do with the profession as such, but with the mentality of society today. I think the biggest problem is changing that mentality in relation to how we get on with each other as human beings.” Quote from Amsterdam’s Prostitution Information Center former worker and spokesperson Mariska.

The Mustang Ranch and the Happy Hooker
My personal feelings toward prostitution revolutionized after reading a couple books; Brothel: Mustang Ranch and Its Women by ALEXA ALBERT and The Happy Hooker : My Own Story by Xaviera Hollander.

Brothel author Alexa Albert lived inside the now closed Mustang ranch and wrote an excellent sociological study of the prostitutes and the John’s. Starting out being anti prostitution; by the end of her experience and study she favors legalization.

Excerpt from book review From Publishers Weekly
"Perhaps the most prominent legal brothel in Nevada, Mustang Ranch held mythical status in contemporary Western culture until it was shut down on racketeering charges in 1999. As a medical student, Albert was granted rare access to this intensely private world in order to conduct a study on condom use, and lived periodically at Mustang Ranch from 1993 to 1999. Her routine study soon deepened in tandem with her curiosity about the politics of prostitution and about the prostitutes themselves. In this straightforward account, she details the brothel regimen (from the women's relative captivity to what happens during various "parties") and explores the private lives of the women who work there, as well as those of the "johns" and the workers who service the Ranch. Yet the heart of the book lies in Albert's exploration of the sense of family that thrives in the brothel with all the fractious infighting, competition and camaraderie inherent in any community. Her short history of the legalization of prostitution in Nevada revolves around Joe and Sally Conforte who officially owned Mustang Ranch until charges of tax evasion forced Joe into hiding in South America in 1990 while illuminating the confluence of public opinion and economic forces that spurred legalization. Acknowledging her own feelings (which range from disgust to profound respect), Albert convincingly dispels myths about this mysterious world and provides a strong defense for the legalization of prostitution."

The Happy Hooker, now that is one hell of a book. This was probably one of the most graphic, erotic and tantalizing books I obtained at the public library. Now I own it. I consider Xaviera Hollander to be a feminist.

From Publishers Weekly
"Xaviera Hollander has been writing a Penthouse column for 30 years. She chronicled her life as a "high-class New York madam" in 1972's The Happy Hooker: My Own Story, which now returns to print. Frankly discussing lesbianism, bondage, voyeurism and run-ins with lawyers and the FBI, Hollander's book was an international bestseller."

Another Book Description
"How did you first learn about sex? If you grew up in the 1970s, it may have been from a gleefully lusty tour guide named Xaviera Hollander
In the late 1960s -- that era of sexual chaos, when Playboy Clubs and love-ins were competing for national attention -- a beautiful, intelligent young Dutch secretary named Xaviera de Vries moved to New York, grew swiftly tired of her desk job . . . and soon became the most visible and glamorous madam the city had ever seen. As Xaviera Hollander, she published a shockingly candid account of her life behind the brothel door. The Happy Hooker shot straight to the top of the bestseller lists, sold more than fifteen million copies, and made this enterprising young woman an international phenomenon. Thirty years later, these delightfully explicit tales of the '60s and '70s swingers' scene -- including countless jaw-dropping stories of lesbianism, bondage, fetishism, and more -- remain as titillating as ever, charged with the mix of shrewd observation and uninhibited appetite that made Hollander an irresistible storyteller. The Happy Hooker is a classic: the world's greatest book on the world's oldest profession."

"The prostitute is not, as feminists claim, the victim of men but rather their conqueror, an outlaw who controls the sexual channel between nature and culture."
Camille Paglia

"Punishing the prostitute promotes the rape of all women. When PROSTITUTION is a crime, the message conveyed is that women who are sexual are ''bad'', and therefore legitimate victims of sexual assault. Sex becomes a weapon to be used by men."
Margo St. James

Amsterdam and prostitution

Prostitution Information Center
Excerpt from PIC’s website
"What's PIC's opinion on prostitution? Prostitution is a fact, it has always existed and will never go away. It doesn't matter how you feel about it. Therefore we believe it is important not to forbid prostitution, but to organize it better, otherwise the problems will only become greater.
In many country's prostitution is illegal and men and women are being persecuted. They are forced, by law, to work under very dangerous and unhygienic circumstances. Prostitutes are treated like animals, criminals or trash. But why? Because there getting paid for sexual acts, under normal cicumstances exchanged with mutual respect. Prostitution is a personal choice and nobody should intervene in this choise. Sex isn't dirty and certainly not bad for your health. Most people have sex, and nowadays it looks like everything is possible and permissible, exept getting paid for it. If somebody chooses this profession for him or herself, and works in a responsible and healthy way, there absolutely doesn't have to be any problem with prostitution at all. Because there are problems, it is the task of the government to regulate prostitution in a proper way, so that we can learn to live and let live and respect each other's choices."

Legalized prostitution a position paper

Countries with legal prostitution

Pubescent Teenage Boys and Havoc at Hooters!

2008-10-11T13:20:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/11/04

Vader Honks for Hooters!
What’s a good distraction from politics? How about Hooters? Hooters serves as a great family restaurant, especially when you have teenage sons. My son turned 13, in 2003, and like any ritual marking his journey into manhood; I thought a Hooters visit would be mandatory. Hooters is not a strip club, it’s a sports restaurant with lots of TV’s, good beer and chicken wings, and chicks in low cut tank shirts, with tight hot pants shorts. I don’t believe that Hooters exploits women, these chicks have a blast working there, and they score hella tips!

Mark the Voyage into Manhood
My son has always been the rico/suave jock kid; loving the ladies and captivating their attention. He has dropped playa lines on chicks since he was a very young lad, its just one of his gifts. A boy grows out of birthday parties at a young age, unlike girls. Boys would rather you take them out for ribs or to the ballgame, then make a princess-like fuss over them. I stopped throwing “little kid” birthday parties for my son by the time he was in 3rd grade. This was his choice, as he preferred all my money and attention go to him, not some silly party. I figured his 13th birthday was different, a ritual of sorts, a transition from childhood to teenage years. For this birthday, a party was definitely in order.

“I want to sign a Hooter chick’s shirt with a sharpee!”We invited about 8 of D’s jock friends to come with us. This being no small feat, since you really need parental permission before taking anyone’s kids to Hooters. After personally talking to the parents, I was able to get most of them to agree. Since the closest Hooters was Tacoma, a 30 minute drive, my boyfriend and I took two cars, with 4 teenagers each. The boys were totally amped and excited about their first trip to Hooters. To young teenage boys’; Hooters serves as a place of fantasy and speculation. In the long car ride the boys shared expectations like “signing a Hooter girl’s shirt with a sharpee”. I could barely hold in my laughter at their silly pubescent fantasies.

Hooters Heaven
Once we arrived at Hooters we let the boys have their “own” table and sat separately and away from them. All the boys looked high as hell from hormones overload, and they could barely keep their selves in check. I told our waitress that the table of boys were with me, and it was my son’s 13th birthday. She asked “do you mind if we mess with him?” I retorted “Hell, that is why I brought him here!”

A Show to Remember
Drinking my red wine, I sat back and enjoyed the show. The Hooters girls well earned their tips with the boys. They did the touchy flirty thing, while bending over in their faces. This would always make the boys immediately blush, and look EVERY other direction than the girl’s boobs that were in their face. LMFAO. They then took two balloons and stuck them up my son’s shirt, to give him his own Hooters. They also made a girly princess crown for him to wear on his head. This, of course, produced much laughter and ridicule from his friends. Then, the Hooter’s girls grabbed my son and made him stand on the bar top, while all the Hooters girls in the restaurant danced around him and touched on him while they sang happy birthday…. Hooters style. It was a definite “home run”.

Hooters Airlines Anyone?
I scored a lot a photos from this night, that if I put on this website my son would KILL ME! The facial expressions are classic though. The Hooters girls ROCKED, and totally made my punk kid’s birthday a KICKASS celebration. I totally recommend Hooters as the ritual celebratory event for all teenage boys. Hooters now has an airline. With my son living in Arizona now, I may have to book him a flight. He loves to fly solo, because of the attention he receives from the stewardesses. Now, combine that with a Hooters flight… A teenage boy’s dream.

Happy Monday All.

Hemingway’s “Black Ass” and that Damned Monkey on my Back

2008-10-04T13:40:00.000-07:00
Repost from 10/4/04

Dangerous Black Ass
After a comment on my blog left by Robotnik on Ernest Hemingway, I realized some similarities between the deceased writer and myself. Most notably, “Hemingway was subject to what he called 'black ass' bouts of depression, an inherited condition that wasn't helped by his drinking or his tendency to put himself into dangerous situations”. (From Hemingway Website)
Its hard to admit that you have a drinking problem, or that you are a “problem drinker”. For the last few weeks, since I quit drinking, I have felt great, better than ever. Then came this weekend, and a night of drinking and debauchery, and I realize I must stop this in order to live.

Hemingway was a veteran of war, who wrote about death and dying to the point of obsession. Eventually he shot himself in the head in 1961. There are arguments that depression is hereditary. My great grandfather killed himself, as well as my aunt, so I believe part of my depression comes from my genetic background. Hemingway’s granddaughter Margaux Hemingway killed herself in 1996.

Don’t Look Now There’s a Monkey on Your Back
Drinking served as the monkey on my back for years, causing me depression, toxic and violent hangovers, and the motivation for placing myself in dangerous situations.
As a teenager, I recall drinking motivated of angst and rebellion. Dressed in Cure t-shirts with peroxide bleached mod hairdos, we would shot gun bootlegged Lucky Lager to the point of annihilation. Being a groupie to this punk local band, we attended shows at fraternity parties, keggers in back wooded hideouts, or private parties when parents were away. My typical scenario at first was this; slam beers, get smashed, then cry and talk about suicide, and do something to hurt myself like cutting up my arm with a rusty beer can. Things then turned from self-inflicted pain, to putting myself in vulnerable situations to be exploited. I lost my virginity to an older “Fast Times Ron Johnson” type who got me drunk and popped my cherry. Like most depressed, neurotic and lost young girls; once drunk, I became easy prey for “sexcapades”. In fact, this is how I got together with my ex-husband, and son’s father, we got wasted off Mad-Dog one night, and ended up having sex. The next thing you know we were this mismatched, constantly drunk couple. Soon after that, I was pregnant, married…..and trapped.

Don't look now
There's a monkey on your back
Don't look now
There's a monkey on you...
Don't look now
There's a monkey on your back
Don't look now
There's a monkey on you...

So you tell me that you won't do anymore

If I keep on askin' baby, maybe
I'll get what I'm askin' for

Why can't you do it?
Why can't you set your monkey free?
Always giving into it
Do you love the monkey or do you love me?
-George Michael “Monkey”

Kissing Malt Liquor Breath
When pregnant, I quit drinking, smoking and everything. I tried hard to be the “good wife”, though my young husband was not ready to give up his hard drinking ways. Living with an alcoholic wore on my soul, I still can’t stand the smell of malt liquor breath to this day. When I turned 21 in San Diego, it really didn’t mean much being a young mother. Occasionally, I went out at Mission Beach bars and drank a little, but never to the point of excess. See, I was married to a drunk, and this repulsed me. I never cheated on him, or did anything other than plan my eventual escape. There were a few times I went out with the navy wives (when we had sitters) and drank myself to obliteration. I always suffered a migraine the next day, and swore this would be the last time of such foolishness.

Homecoming Visits
Whenever I came home to Bremerton for visits, all morality, will power, and strength went out the door. My hometown serves as a portal to my dysfunctional youth, and all underpinnings of sin. When I left my husband, and returned for a 2-month visit, the party was “on”. I had my parents to baby-sit and I could go out and party like a rock star, something I never had really been able to do, getting pregnant so young. My girlfriends and I would hit up the local bars nightly, and drink ourselves shit faced. With drinking came exposing myself to dangerous situations I would not engage in sober. After hours parties with strange men. Sexual adventures with old flames in parked cars. Sexual adventures with strangers in sketchy situations.

Puke and Spins
Then there was the immediate hangover. Sometimes it would hit me in the early evening, and I would run like the wind to the bathroom and puke all over the stalls. Alternatively, it came on with severe spins, where I had no choice but to lie down in a parked car with a paper cup, and sit/spin/puke for hours. The next day after a night of drinking would always be pure hell, most often accompanied by a migraine, severe vomiting, hot/cold flashes, and the shakes. There is nothing I can do in this condition but sleep, cry, and admonish myself.

Bezerkely in Berkeley
These episodes of periodic excess seemed limited to my visits to Bremerton. While at Berkeley my first couple years, I studied too intensely, and rarely took the time to go out. At some point I started hanging out in the Berkley Punx scene, and going to live shows. By then I had a support network of single moms’ who would watch my son. I also started drinking wine with cheese at home. This habit picked up from UC Berkeley elitist networking “meet and greet” events. We then discovered a pub walking distance from my house called the Mallard Club. This became convenient for us, as we could get wasted and walk home. The monkey climbed back upon me, and I started engaging in dangerous behavior again. Whenever I get drunk, I am invincible, I am James Dean, I’m a James Brown Sex Machine, and I have no fear. Fortunately and unfortunately, some of the time I have no memory of the night before either.

Pot V. Booze
Becoming a pothead was a great thing for me. Instead of going out and getting drunk off my ass, I started staying home, getting stoned, and watching movies. No driving in cars, no dangerous behavior, no blackouts, no hangovers, and no migraines. In my years in the marijuana movement, my drinking went down considerably. But there were the special occasions where I did drink, and each time I usually ended up making a scene by passing out and puking outside the car door. It’s a 50/50 chance, like Russian Roulette, you never know how my body is going to react when I put alcohol inside.

Moving Back to Barville
Moving back to Bremerton I feared the kiss of death, as I always end up a slave to alcohol here. My ex-boyfriend of the last three years was a former AA “drinker” and it seemed we could not even hang out at his house without getting drunk. He always brought me a bottle of wine, cuz hey, I’m a slutty little whore when drunk. Because of this fact, he always made sure there was alcohol a plenty. He was also in a local band. I remember countless shows where he left me passed out drunk in his truck, while he finished a performance.

Black Ass Came A Haunting
Then came the depression and the self-medication. For a while, I tried zyprexa, paxil, and effexor and quit drinking. This caused me weight gain, hypersomnia, and apathy. My boyfriend blamed all our problems in the relationship on my “meds”, and continued to drink like a fish and pressure me for sex. Uninterested, and cold, I turned off to him and to the relationship. Then, I took myself off the meds and decided to heal myself.

Stella Was Getting Her Groove Back
Once single again, my party friends were back in black, and ready to take me out on the town. Again I started my pattern of binge drinking, lush behavior, and exposure to dangerous situations. My depression started getting worse, and then so did my drinking. I started drinking home alone, first a glass a night, and then by the time my son left, I was up to a bottle a night. I realized I had to stop, I wasn’t getting better, I was instead getting worse. When I made the commitment to see a shrink and get on meds I quit drinking. That was three weeks ago, and I have felt great ever since.

Slip Off the Wagon
Friday night one of my drinking buddies called me and asked to go out. She knew I had quit drinking and was avoiding the bars. I love my friend however, and we always have a blast when together. She told me she would buy me two drinks and that I could be the designated driver, and stop drinking after that. The problem is, I have a drinking problem, and when I go out drinking…. I cannot stop. Hence we get to the dance club, I’m having a blast, ego boosted by all the male attention. I meet a GI just returned from Iraq, and give him the drunk OTOFTC (Operation Take One For the Country) welcome on the dance floor. Once again, I’m drunk, and out of control.

Revenge of the Migraine
The next day I paid the price, hell the whole weekend was shot. I experienced my worst migraine in years; so sick I couldn’t eat or hold down water. I just lay in my bed cried, and squeezed my head together like a vice. The sharp, piercing pain lasted all day Saturday, well into the night. I should have gone to the hospital, but I was home alone, and too sick to use the phone. Sunday, the pain was gone, but my body felt as if I had been through a battle with Satan (as it had). I also had the post hangover blues… cursing myself for slipping up, and letting it happen again.

I Say No, No, No, I Cant Drink It No More
As much as I love to get drunk, I can’t do it, I CAN NOT drink. It poisons my body and makes me act crazy. Pot head I can be, but freaky drunk no more. I do not want to end up like Hemingway (well famous writer yes, but tragic suicide no). I know that the key to my overcoming depression is quitting alcohol. I must set that monkey free.

Hemingway Quotes

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway

Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it.
Ernest Hemingway

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
Ernest Hemingway

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Ernest Hemingway

All things truly wicked start from an innocence.
Ernest Hemingway

Wars are caused by undefended wealth.
Ernest Hemingway

The sinews of war are five - men, money, materials, maintenance (food) and morale.
Ernest Hemingway

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
Ernest Hemingway

Once we have a war there is only one thing to do. It must be won. For defeat brings worse things than any that can ever happen in war.
Ernest Hemingway

Hemingway Bio

The Hemingway Blog

Killed Paive - July 8 - 1918
Desire and
All the sweet pulsing aches
And gentle hurtings
That were you,
Are gone into the sullen dark.
Now in the night you come unsmiling
To lie with me
A dull, cold, rigid bayonet
On my hot-swollen, throbbing soul.
“A Farewell to Arms (1929), Hemingway's great novel set against the background of the war in Italy, eclipses the poetry dealing with his war-time experiences.
Before America entered the war Hemingway (1899-1961) volunteered and served in the ambulance corps in France; he was transferred to the Paive region of Italy in July, 1918, and shortly after on July 8 was wounded in a mortar attack. The following poem apparently looks back to that day”. –From Hemingway Website

A Silly Song to Mark the end of my Drinking.

A LADY THAT I KNOW JUST CAME FROM COLUMBIA,
SHE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN SHE HELD OUT SOME MARIJUANA, HA HA!
SHE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
'NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T SMOKE IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR.'

A WOMAN THAT I KNOW JUST CAME FROM MAJORCA, SPAIN,
SHE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN SHE HELD OUT A TEN POUND BAG OF COCAINE,
SHE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
'NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T SNIFF IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
AND THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR.'

A MAN I KNOW JUST CAME FROM NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE,
HE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN HE HELD OUT SOME MOONSHINE WHISKEY, OH HO,
HE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
'NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T DRINK IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
AND THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR.'
The No-no Song lyric
Ringo Starr

Make my body your canvas! Tattoo Parlor Erotica

2008-09-27T13:00:00.000-07:00
Repost from 9/27/04

Buzzzzz....Oh Yes! Tattoo Erotica
There is something erotic, sensual and forbidden about getting tattooed. The pain/pleasure is like no other feeling. Curiously, I find the experience to be quite different depending on the tattoo artist. A few of my tattoo artists have been AS FINE AS HELL, and stripping down to my bra while laying my hand on their lap for hours as they inflict pleasurable pain on me, definitely becomes an amazing and erotic experience. The sound of the tattoo needle totally turns me on. There is also a definite rush or high you experience during and after the tattooing. Beware....once bitten by the tattoo needle, you become forever addicted.

Vader's Tantalizing Tattoo History
Each tattoo on my body tells a permanent story that I will share. Here is a link to photos of some of my tattoos. Tattoos serve as a living history to the body they adorn. Tattoos or skin art is an ancient tradition that connotes tribal images or that of sailors and prisoners. These days, tattoos seem to be breaking out of class restraints, becoming more acceptable in mainstream culture.

Ohhhhh My Virgin Skin!
Your first tattoo is the most meaningful. According to tattoo lore, you should pick something very unique to your personality. My first year at UC Berkeley, I was liberated from a bad marriage and ready for a permanent symbol of my new power. Being a history major, I focused on the Burning Times and the lost traditions of witchcraft. Because I identified with the millions of women who were burned or killed in this time period, I chose the magical symbol of the pentacle for my first tattoo. Fellow Berkeley alumnus, and world-renowned author Starhawk, wrote the books the Spiral Dance, for which I copied my pentacle. I then picked a spot that would be visible over my 12-hole Doc Martins, on my right leg just above my thigh. While visiting a former navy wife friend in Fresno, she took me to her biker guy tattoo artist, where I received my first ink. I don’t remember much about the tattoo parlor, other than it was a dusty store front, with tattoo photos covering the walls. The artist was this burley biker looking guy, who my friend claimed did great work. She was right, my tattoo came out fabulously,one of my most powerful tattoos to this day, (and my marking as a witch). Blessed Be!

Bandito Biker Parlor
Soon after my first, I had the itch again. This time I was visiting friends back home in Bremerton and my girlfriend and I decided to get tattooed together. We went with her mother who knew the Bandito biker gang, and claimed she knew affiliated tattoo artists. I chose another symbol, a yin-yang. This tattoo parlor was filled with biker types, and accompanying Harley Davidson motorcycles lined outside of the storefront. This tattoo came out terrible, kinda lopsided, and to me looks like a jailhouse tattoo. It’s now on my list of touch-ups. This is also the last time I have been tattooed by a burley biker guy.

Zebra Fetish Night
Right after finishing my last final one semester, I decided to reward myself with a tattoo. Buzzed off snakebites from the Bear’s Lair I headed to Zebra (some say the fast food style tattoo parlor) on Telegraph Ave in Berkeley. Zebra was also a well-lit store/head shop and piercing parlor. The staff included good looking, young, tattooed and pierced people. I decided upon a barbwire cuff and was delighted to see the hot and sexy tattoo artist. Spending a drunken few hours stripped down, and laying my hand longingly across his thigh drove me wild. Now, this was an amazing and erotic high. The sexual chemistry was wild, and a totally unforgettable experience. I went back to Zebra a semester later and got my kitty cat tattoo. Again, the artists was hot as hell, but this time I had a boyfriend with me, so I had to control my obvious arousal.

Pamela Anderson and NW Hardcore
Soon after my barbed wire tat, Pamela Anderson got a similar tattoo. It didn’t help that my hair was bleached blond at the time. I was annoyed as hell at the comments, so I decided to make mine unique. Living back in Bremerton at the time, my good friend from high school happened to also be a tattoo artist. Shaun was a hard-bodied hardcore musician who pounded the drums in the local music scene. He designed some vined roses for the top of my barbed wire and finished the cuff into a full band. Being that Shaun is FINE and we have total unfulfilled sexual chemistry (he was my roommate for years too), this was another erotic and tantalizing experience.

You Know What Im Down For....Oakland Brand Hard Core!
When living in Oakland, I was ready for more ink. My OBHC friend Kenny took me to Sacred Tattoo, which was run by one of the members of the HardCore band Powerhouse. It was now time for me to permanently embrace my love and worship of Star Wars, especially my father Darth Vader. My Darth Vader tattoo is still my favorite, and probably the best piece of work.

Thank You Sugar Daddy
For a stint I was lucky enough to have sugar daddy. This guy was my age, and also a political mover and shaker, who made good money through business ventures. We never had sex; I instead was his trophy girlfriend. He used to wine and dine me at the most expensive restaurants, and take me on luxurious trips. On a trip to Vegas for New Years, he spoiled me at the Luxur, bought me Vegas clothes, and even a new tattoo. We picked Sin City Tattoo parlor where I picked a tribal rose piece off the wall. I got this piece on the back of my neck (upper back), and it is the ONLY tattoo that brought tears to my eyes from the pain.

Lucky Boy and LOVE Tattoos
The guy from Sin City Tattoos told me he had a friend opening a shop in Bremerton. When I moved back, I looked the guy up for more work. Nate from Lucky Boys has continued to do GREAT work on me ever since. My first tattoo from him was a marijuana leaf with a red cross medical symbol. This is the symbol for medical marijuana and safe access. At the time, I was working at a Patient Cannabis Club in California, and also part of a US Supreme Court Case for the Oakland CBC. I felt a permanent tattoo would mark my commitment to this cause. My 19-year-old boytoy jack, was up visiting at the time, and we decided to get the same tattoos together. A symbol of our commitment to the cause, and of our lusty relationship. Soon after that, I got my Rebel Alliance tattoo on my wrist, and Darth Vader’s Tie fighter on my hand. A few years later, while in my last serious relationship, my boyfriend and I got love kanji’s on our wrist. A now permanent reminder of a failed relationship, and lost love.....

Nasty Blue Devils
My friend Kevin, who I met through the Seattle Hemp Coalition, did my last two tattoos. Kevin now works at Blue Devil Tattoo, a new parlor in Bremerton ran by sexy adult film entrepreneur Vito and a motley crew assortment of other characters. Before Blue Devil opened, Kevin tattooed in Tacoma. My first tattoo from him is a green ribbon. This tattoo was in memoriam of Peter McWilliams, the world-renowned author and libertarian who had AIDS and Cancer and died after chocking on his vomit. Peter was involved in a federal case that would not allow him to use medical marijuana for his nausea (despite the fact that he was a certified patient under Prop 215). A week after being on 20/20 saying he spent all day in the fetal position nauseated, he aspirated over the toilet bowl. Many of us activists have the green ribbon on our bodies as a permanent homage to Peter.

Modern Skin Art
Though I loved my medical marijuana tattoo on my arm, it was so beautiful and well done; it started to draw the wrong kind of attention. I could not go to the beach with my son, wear summer dresses in public, or really show it anywhere without causing a scene. Devastated, I realized I needed to cover it. Kevin told me he could cover it with a tattoo of the Death Star exploding. The tattoo would include the Millennium Falcon, Luke and Wedge’s X-wing and Darth Vader’s Tie fighter. We did the cover tattoo, which took several hours. Being a cover, it’s hard to take, and you can still see the marijuana leaf underneath. This is kinda cool though, cuz now it looks like a new age blob, a Picasso inspired modern work of art that combines Star Wars and pot....two of my favorite things. I do think it needs a touch up, and I probably need to make a trip to Blue Devil very soon.

Well, there you have a long drawn out history of my tattoos. I could go on about tattoo parlor culture, skin wars and loyalties, and the characters in the tattoo business. But then, that would be another post I suppose.

Here are a few more links for ya.

Tattoo Care

Rebel Alliance (this PotTV show depicts me getting tattooed by Nate and Kevin)

Modern Primitives Book “the Bible of Body Modification”

One more anal-probing-gyro-pyro-levitating-ectoplasym alien antimatter story and I'm going to take out my gun and shoot somebody - Ode to Fox Mulder

2008-09-21T22:17:00.000-07:00
Repost from 9/21/04

Paramasturbatory?
Stories of alien abductions, freaky paranormal shizat, and government conspiracies always captivate and intrigue me. From Caral Sagan’s Cosmos, to Twin Peaks and In Search Of, I live for bizarre and unexplained phenomenon. X-files captured my attention more than any other show, and through this show I fell in love. My dream man is Agent Fox Mulder. Not the wuss he became at the end of the series X-files, but the lovable oddball from the earlier episodes. Mulder was this eloquent and handsome, porn loving FBI agent who never slept, didn’t even have a bed, and kept a closet full of X-rated films. He looked extremely hot in black suits, was often seen shirtless, watched adult film, and only ever had sex with a vampire (I was so jealous). It was great catching glimpses of him chatting on adult phone lines, or walking out of Triple-X theaters. He was a quirky, educated, gorgeous freak who also had a fetish for aliens and the paranormal. Like me, he was a philosophical dreamer and a believer. Mulder further really knew how to handle his weapon. He turned me on and rocked my world!

Sometimes the only sane answer to an insane world is insanity. –Fox Mulder

Domestication of the Freak
The slow evolution of Mulder’s character from the quirky and freaky badass to this effeminate life mate for Scully totally ruined things. Pent up sexual tension between characters creates great charisma, but when they put the two together in some stoopid attempt at domestic bliss, it always sucks. Mulder and Scully should never have become a couple, that is when things “jumped the shark” so to speak. Plus, didn’t agent Mulder know I was waiting for him? Being a true blue X-files fan, I ALWAYS watched the show. No one was allowed to call me, talk to me, or bother me at all during that 9 to 10 Sunday night time block. The show rocked, down to the last episode. Things just never were the same without my love Mulder, and then with his wussy and domesticated return.

I love this Duchovny photo. That man is sooooooooooo HOT! (and rumored to be very well hung too)

X-files Widow
Life will never be the same for me on Sunday nights. X-files was my life for so many years. I still collect X-files action figures and memorabilia; I guess you could say I obsess on the show. For now I remain an X-files widow, forever looking to the skies for my Mulder to come down and abduct me from this life.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

I BELIEVE!

X-Files Theme Song
Sites:

Mark Little's My Themes
Listen to the show's theme song.

In the final episode it is revealed that on December 22, 2012, aliens will invade and take over the world. In reality, December 23, 2012 is the day the ancient Mayan calendar will end.

Some of my FAVORITE Mulder quotes:

"Yes, and also I've always been intrigued by women named B.J."
-Aubrey

"You know, sometimes, it just gets really hard to smile through it when they ask you to bend down and grab your ankles."
The Host

"Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MD's do it"
-Small Potatoes

"I didn't check into a hotel room. I don't sleep anymore."
-3

"Well, aside from the need for corrective lenses and the tendency to be abducted by extra-terrestrials involved in an international conspiracy, the Mulder family passes genetic muster."
Home

Byers : "Vladimir Zhirinovsky, the leader of the Russian Social Democrats, is being put into power by the most heinous force in the twetieth century."
Mulder : Barney?"

Scully : "Oh God, Mulder, it smells like...I think its bile."
Mulder : "How can I get it off my fingers without betraying my cool exterior?"

"Suggestion is a powerful force. The science of hypnosis is predicated on it, as are most TV commercials. I mean, they're designed to plant thoughts in your head."
-Pusher

"Hey, Scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?"
Schizogeny

"I don't know if you can see it from here, but it has no sex organs."
The Host

X-files cool trial shit that I LOVE!

The line that appears at the end of the opening sequence reads The Truth Is Out There in most episodes. However in a few episodes this line was changed as follows:
*Episode 01x23 (The Erlenmeyer Flask): Trust No One
*Episode 02x06 (Ascension): Deny Everything
*Episode 03x25 (Anasazi): Éí 'Aaníígóó 'Áhoot'é
*Episode 03x10 (731): Apology Is Policy
*Episode 04x01 (Herrenvolk): Everything Dies
*Episode 04x04 (Teliko): Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate
*Episode 04x10 (Terma): E Pur Si Muove
*Episode 04x24 (Gethsemane): Believe The Lie
*Episode 05x02 (Redux): All Lies Lead To The Truth
*Episode 05x14 (The Red and the Black): Resist Or Serve
*Episode 05x20 (The End): The End
*Episode 06x03 (Triangle): Die Wahrheit Ist Irgendwo Da Draussen (German, which translates as "The truth is out there somewhere")
*Episode 06x19 (The Unnatural): In The Big Inning
*Episode 07x02 (Amor Fati): Amor Fati

Some Real X-File UFO Links
National UFO Reporting Site

Alien Abduction Site

Post dedicated to that hot, smart, and sexy blogger Ciggy

Honor Our Heroes

2008-09-13T09:33:00.000-07:00
Repost from 9/13/04

I haven’t been able to post since Saturday 9/11. This anniversary haunts so fresh in the American psyche, in my psyche, that I find it hard to re-live. I applaud all the bloggers who took the time to post tributes. For me personally, I hoped silence would speak louder than words.

WE WILL NEVER FORGET

Out of the ashes and despair of Sept 11, 2001 came many heroes that fill my heart with pride, hope and life. These heroes make me so proud to be an American.

Many of these heroes were shocked and influenced by 9/11 as they sat and watched it on TV. From this tragedy they took courageous inspiration and decided to do something about it. Not since WWII have Americans flocked to enlist in the armed services. So many, took the events of September 11 as impetus to join the service. I thank and applaud these soldiers, and all of our armed forces, for the work they do, and the sacrifices they make, to ensure our freedom.

We remember Pfc. Brandon Titus as one such hero.
-excerpt cut and pasted by vadergrrrl from cnn article off web

Brandon grew up with his divorced father from age 13 amid a legacy of military service, a family tradition for many generations. "He was a proud man that spoke highly of his father Tom, a veteran himself. Brandon just wanted to live up to the Titus name," Spc. Dave Huval, a member of Titus' squad, wrote in a message from Iraq posted to an Internet tribute page.

“Before going off to war, Brandon left a computer disk with a message entitled, "My Time has Come," to be read only if he did not return from Iraq. Tom Titus broke down in tears when he read it aloud.

"I learned a lot from my dad and I wanted to be like him. I wanted to do something that would truly make him proud of me," he said in that message. In many ways, Titus was a typical American kid, a football player and high school wrestler who shared his dad's passion for motorcycles. Resident of a strongly Republican state, he felt the need to give back to his country.

"When I was in high school I was against any type of war or occupation of another country and I was ignorant to think the United States government was a bunch of B.S," Brandon Titus wrote.

"When Sept. 11 happened, my opinion of this country changed very quickly. ... Things hit home when I watched a plane filled with innocent people crash into a building killing them all because of some coward terrorists who live in caves who thought they could divide America by doing this."

Tom Titus experienced the shock of watching his best friend die in his arms during the Vietnam War in 1971. On Monday (Aug 30th), the ex-Army Ranger felt the even greater horror of burying his only son Brandon, 20, killed on August 17 by an explosion while patrolling a Baghdad slum.

Tom Titus barely made it out of Vietnam alive after being wounded twice. In a 1971 incident, a mortar round in the jungle left the decorated soldier without sight in one eye. It took six months in a hospital to reconstruct his face.

Many of his "brothers in arms" wore leather biker jackets to Monday's funeral and more than 100 motorcycles rode in the procession.

"You wanted me to be proud of you," an emotional Tom Titus, wearing his medals on his vest, said in his eulogy. "I just want to say to my child that this is the proudest dad in the whole world."
–Excerpt from CNN

Fallen Heroes Memorial Board

Thanks, love and PRAISE to all the American Heroes
xxxoooo

Who ya callin a SLUT???!!

2008-09-07T14:39:00.000-07:00
Repost from 9/7/04

If I admit that I love sex, does that make me a slut?

Are “good girls” only allowed to have sex in monogamous relationships after we wait several weeks? Is it okay for women to use men for sex, and not give a shit the next day?

Are married women supposed to lie there like dud spuds or refuse sex to be good girls? Is it okay for women to enjoy sex, revel in it, and do anything and everything to please our partner?

How about men who brag about being studs with countless notches on their belt buckles, who then insist on marrying a virgin. Is it not okay for women to have slept with more men, then their male partner?

Now who is more of a “slut”…the woman who loves sex, has sexual relations with different men and women, but is honest and open about everything. Or, the woman who pretends to be a good girl, and secretly behind her husbands back, is fucking all his friends, relatives, etc. Now, which is worse?

If these things at times describe me….. am I then a slut?

Short skirt, bright lipstick, no panties, porn loving, liberated, adventurous, S&M practicing, taboo breaking, insatiable, multiple partners, serial monogamous, player

*If your answer is Yes, Yes, Yes, that makes you a SLUT, SLUT, SLUT. Well then, what the hell is so wrong with being a “slut” anyway? What and whose standards are we trying to live up to?

-I found a really good essay on “Sluts” on ZenSlut.com. I could not have said it better. Enjoy.

defining "slut"
slut [slut] n.: 1. a dirty, slovenly woman. 2. a sexually promiscuous woman --slut'tish adj.

dirty [dirt' y] adj. -i-er -i-est 1. not clean. 2. obscene. 3. contemptable or nasty. 4. unfair; dishonest. 5. rough, as weather. -vt., vi. dirt'ied, dirt'y-ing to make or become dirty -dirt'i-ness n.

sloven adj. a careless, untidy person. -slov'en-ly, -lier, -liest, adj

promiscuous adj. 1. consisting of different elements indiscriminantly mingled. 2. characterized by a lack of discrimination, esp. in sexual liasons -prom-is-cu-i-it-y, pl. -ities, n. -pro-mis'cu-ous-ly adv.

synonyms are: slattern, wanton ("a women who engages in lewd, unseemly conduct"), minx, blowsy, dowdy, draggletailed, frowsy, sordid, careless, disordered, neglected, poky, bedraggled, disheveled, draggled, messy, mussy, slipshod, sloppy, unkempt, untidy, dirty, filthy, foul, grimy, squalid, baggage, bimbo, cyprian, hussy, jade, jezebel, pig, strumpet, tramp, trollop, trull, wench, harlot, prostitute, loose woman, saucebox, broad, brat, upstart, chippy, drab, floozy, tart.

antonyms are: clean, fresh, neat, tidy, trim, smart, immaculate, spotless.

it seems, then, that a slut is a woman who fucks indiscriminantly, who is careless about her sexual partners, and is "contemptable," "nasty," "obscene," and "unfair." "unfair" may be the most interesting of the related words. how is it that a slut can at the same time be indiscriminate ("not discriminate; wanting discrimination; undistinguishing; not making any distinction; confused;") AND unfair ("not fair; not honest; not impartial; disingenuous; using or involving trick or artifice; dishonest; unjust; unequal")? she's indiscriminate, just apparently not indiscriminate ENOUGH, since a slut is a woman who will fuck anybody--just not you.

none of the definitions indicate a number, a threshhold beyond which a woman goes from being simply sexually active to being a slut. the reason, no doubt, is because the determination that a woman is a slut is highly subjective, and she needn't even BE sexually active to be awarded with the label. she's a slut if she won't fuck you, she's a slut if she DID fuck you but had no need for you afterwards, she's a slut if she's enjoying sex more than you are, she's a slut when her skirt is too short, her shirt too tight, her lipstick too red, her mascara too dark, her sexuality too much her own. she's a slut when someone else says she is.

to the women who are asking, "how do i tell if i'm a slut?," the answer that our culture gives you is that you know you're a slut if someone else calls you one. it's all about what OTHER PEOPLE think of you. the baggage in our culture around the word (see the definitions above) make it an unlikely label for a woman to apply to herself. who would call herself "dirty," "wonton," or "disordered"? society feeds us plenty of negative thoughts to have about ourselves; we don't need to do it to ourselves, too.

as a woman who challenges society's baggage around the word "slut," and readily embraces it, i would like to offer a different interpretation of the word. i propose that a slut is a sexually empowered woman. a slut is a woman who embraces her sexuality and refuses to let anyone else own it but herself. a slut is a woman who enjoys her sexuality, REVELS in her sexuality, and fucks as her wont is will. she is NOT indiscriminate; to the contrary, she choses only to sleep with people who respect her choices, and her ultimate authority over her own body. she won't sleep with just anybody, but only with people who deserve to share in the awesome sexual power she possesses. she is NOT ashamed; she is powerful, proud, righteous, and deserving of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

how do you know if you're a slut? you're a slut if YOU say you are. it can be an empowering word when it is applied to oneself out of respect for the power of one's sexuality, rather than slurred as an epitaph by a jilted lover. the more of us women (and, hell, men) who embrace the word with a positive connotation, the closer we get to living in a society that values the power of female sexuality as equally as it values male sexuality. if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is slinging the label "slut" at you as if it's something you should be ashamed of, tell them "thank you," and smile when you say it. i do.

Escaping the "Bell Jar"

2008-09-06T16:57:00.000-07:00
Repost from 9/6/04

Dying
Is an art, like everything else
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
-Sylvia Plath…”The Bell Jar”
-
I must admit, it’s been hard for me to post or blog as of late. Every time I write something, I re-read it and decide its to embarrassing, or too much crap to post. I decided today, I would just get it out there, regardless of how crazy it sounds. So, here goes…..

I know I have quoted Slyvia Plath before, and mentioned my association with her. I discovered this book when I was going to Berkeley, at that time I was Phi Beta Kappa, with other numerous awards and collegiate distinctions. I began to feel as if my awards and credentials would mean nothing outside of the “ivory league” walls. Upon graduation from Berkeley, my first job was that of paralegal. I was happy to be working in upscale San Francisco and making good money. However, I started to feel like a mere secretary, not that anything is wrong with that, but it depressed me because I worked so hard scholastically to be the best. I wanted and had hoped for more after graduation. I also found it depressing to try to survive as a single mother off “secretary wages”, especially in the big city. My life of personal struggle transformed into a life of financial struggle, and those obstacles of being on the “wrong side of the fence” financially. This is what has made me the “punk rock” chick I profess to be, being poor, struggling, and doing what I can to survive in this jungle we call life.

I became a political activist for a stint, and found myself doing quite well. I had connections with attorneys and doctors and drug policy, and also worked my way into gigs with publications. Though activism life is hard as well, as activists compete for headlines and publicity. As much as I was able to put people on the air, or in print through my journalism endeavors, the cut-throat reality of media whore life also became too much. I decided to focus full time on parenting and being a mom. So, I give up my activist crown, and move back to my hometown, where I can be close to my parents and focus on being a mom. I have spent the last 4 years here, doing just that. Working 2 sometimes 3 jobs just to pay the bills, and being the chauffeur, sports mom. I said my career was mothering and my job is to pay the bills. I believed that when my son was 18, I would go back to school, or seek a real carrer, but in the mean time my career was being a mom.

Now my son has decided to live with his dad, and not me. This of course, hurts like hell, but I also realize it is a guy thing and that teenage son’s need their fathers. I’m okay with it, other than the fact that it leaves me hanging by a thread wondering what the hell I’m going to do with my life. Days and nights have been hard, the bell jar has hovered around me. Some days, I don’t get up, I sleep all day. I can’t answer the phone, return emails, eat, or do really anything other than hide under the covers. I have missed work, and gotten myself in real trouble on my job. But sometimes you need to reach rock bottom before you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It’s kinda embarrassing that I have even been blogging though this time. Part of me, admits I’m artsy and crazy, the other part is really embarrassed that all these people on-line see me going through this. Talk about reality TV.

One of the greatest things about being down and depressed is that people come out of the woodwork to support you. You really can feel the love and support, and believe me, that has helped me get up, get out, and keep going. I have a few options I can play around with, now that I am living for myself for the first time “ever”. (Remember I got pregnant at 19, so I really haven’t ever lived for myself). My good friend Rosie the Rigger, has totally been there for me, and David. Offering me a place to stay in her apartment complex, putting a good word for me with the landlord. David has even offered me his place to stay as a roommate. All of this has given me hope that I can move forward and keep going. There have been also other bloggers, who have opened their homes and their hearts to me. I love, and thank you all for your kindness. *smooch*

I had a really bad fall last Thursday, I really wanted to give up, and I just could not deal with anything. Friends started to really worry about me, because I hadn’t contacted anyone, or really done anything but sleep, and attempt to go to work. See, when I get depressed, I get really overwhelmed, everything is too much effort, and I just get heavy and tired. However, close people around me were noticing my distress and pulled a semi-intervention. They insisted that I go see a shrink, though I have many feelings about this. I feel people are over-diagnosed with ailments and whatever so they can prescribe the world pharmaceutical drugs. I feel there is an overindulgence and dependence on pharmaceutical drugs and I hate playing into this. I also feel that diagnose such as major depressive, bipolar etc are like the new designer jeans, everyone has one. I haven’t wanted to play this game, so I have been avoiding it. I mean come on, are prescription drugs going to help me more than yoga and exercise? I just doing think so, but in any event I’m going to go to the headshrinker and let them see if they can fix what is wrong with me with some magic pill.

What has given me a lot of hope has been my family. Especially my brother, who is about to go back to Iraq for his second tour. My brother offered me the idea of moving in with him, and taking care of his house, rent free, while he is in Iraq. Now, this would mean moving away from my redneck Kurt Cobain syndrome inflicting town, and also mean moving to a place where I don’t know anyone. However, this would also be a chance for me to get out of debt, start over, and I would be 8 hours away from my son in Arizona. The idea to me is very promising. Some say I am like Cher in the movie “mermaids” I just pick up and move when things get tough. I admit., I have done that quite a bit. But starting fresh and starting over, is just so easy and appealing. I’m not happy in my hometown here, I can’t take the weather, the blue collar restrictions, I cant handle seeing my sons friends, and knowing I’m not part of that life anymore.

I also called today a friend of my son’s whom I was very close to. His parents were splitting up, and because there was 5 kids, none of them really got the attention they needed. I was always there to drive him around, talk to the principal of the school if there was a problem, pick him up, feed him, help him with schoolwork, and motivate him. I know that losing my son in his life is the small part, as I was the pseudo parent for him. My losing a spot in his life also hurts, for both of us. In any event, I called him today and told him I would come to some of his football games, and that I was going to go through my son’s things and bring over old Vibe magazines, or ESPN’s or things that D really didn’t need anymore. This made me feel good, as I would like to have some sort of closure on these relationships, though its going to be totally hard to say goodbye, if I do decide to move away.

My life is alas in a flux, a David Bowie sort of Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes. I can handle it, I can roll with it and survive it. The next chapter of my soap opera life has begun, and I’m ready to walk through that open door. It takes a while to get over a big blow, a huge life change. I’m dealing with it and re-thinking my life and what I want to do. I appreciate everyone being supportive and reading my crap, and commenting, and emailing, and calling, and just being there. I’m also really sorry, I had to drag anyone though my shit. If I realized my life was going to be this tough, I never would have started blogging and involved anyone in the drama.

No matter what I do, where I go, I will continue to keep writing. That is why I started blogging, and that is why I do it. I’m glad for the friendships I have received, but that is the icing on the cake. For me blogging has been a way to be creative, a way to write, and work on my dream of one-day completing a novel. (I have already started like three). I want to stay in the practice of writing and being an artist. Since blogging is so much like a journal, well it is, you guys have had to sit through a lot of my shit. But, what doesn’t kill you makes us stronger. I’m no quitter, I’m a survivor, and if you guys stick around to read my crap, and aren’t burned out of me by now, I thank you. Life sure as hell is stranger than fiction.

-If anyone wants to partake in a new blog I am working on please stop by. It is a book club Round Table Confessionals , and we basically are going to be reading and discussing books on line. One day perhaps we will read and re-visit the “Bell Jar”. Lol.

Thanks Sylvia, for teaching me to be strong, and what I don’t want to become. I will never put my head in the oven or hurt myself in anyway. I love ya darlin, but I’m just more of a survivor. I have got a lot of life left in me, and I’m not going out like that.

Cheers!

-Some stuff about the Bell Jar I stole off the web.

Long before Elizabeth Wurtzel made depression a hip 90’s affliction, Sylvia Plath drew upon personal history to develop the character of Esther Greenwood, a talented young woman who suffers a nervous breakdown and struggles to climb out of the dark abyss. The novel opens with the electrocution of the Rosenbergs, which foreshadows Esther’s electro-shock therapy:
It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn’t know what I was doing in New York. I’m stupid about executions. The idea of being electrocuted makes me sick, and that’s all there was to read about in the papers—goggle-eyed headlines staring up at me on every street corner and at the fusty, peanut-smelling mouth of every subway. It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like, being burned alive all along your nerves. I thought it must be the worst thing in the world.
And indeed, it will be the worse thing in the world. After her first disastrous shock session, she wonders “what terrible thing it was that I had done.” With electro-shock therapy, Esther’s first attempt to escape her dark abyss is as hellish as is her tumble in.
First published in England in 1963, The Bell Jar traces Esther’s dark inner journey. Her years of academic success culminate in her winning a coveted position as a guest editor at a fashion magazine in New York, as Plath herself did. In the city, small-town Esther feels out of her element and quite alone, as she realizes that all of the prizes she accumulated at college are meaningless outside of the ivy-covered walls. She feels as if she is now on the outside looking in at the “slick marble and plate-glass fronts along Madison Avenue.” Problem is, her vision is doubly clouded, first by the glare from those colossal windows, mocking her with warped reflections of dreams she is convinced elude her, and second, by the surrounding glass walls of the bell jar closing in around her.
As a bright, unmarried woman of the 1950’s, Esther is a) expected to be a virgin; b) destined for a marriage where husband is first, wife second; c) if destined for a career at all, destined for one as secretary; d) all of the above. These pressures, and others, overwhelm Esther. At college, she feels the stigma of being a “scholarship girl.” She is angry at an ex-boyfriend whom she unmasks as a virgin imposter. Culture sanctions his sexual experience, whereas it would damn Esther’s were she to have any. She is angry at her mother for insisting that Esther learn shorthand, for that secretarial career Esther disdains. These personal resentments are also cultural ones.
The night before she is to leave New York to return home, Esther’s personality begins to unravel. The first “skin” she sheds is her wardrobe, which she flings from her hotel room. When her mother picks her up from the train station, Esther learns that she has not been chosen for a summer writing program she had applied to, and the bell jar begins its descent. After her first electro-shock session, at the hands of the callous Dr. Gordon, Esther finds herself in the car ride home wedged between her mother and Dodo Conway, a young mother from Esther’s neighborhood. Between these two symbols of maternity and suburbia, Esther bleakly envisions a limited future of servile domesticity, and the bell jar clanks down for good. Esther attempts suicide, trying to overdose on sleeping pills. Her wealthy college benefactress, Philomenea Guinea, volunteers to pick up the tab at a pricey private hospital, as long as there is no “boy in the case.” At the hospital, Esther slowly re-emerges under the supervision of a female doctor, who permits Esther to hate her mother, to refuse visitors and to buy birth control. She permits Esther freedom and air to breathe, air not soured from stewing within the bell jar.
The novel is told from Esther’s point of view, and it is her sarcastic tone that gives the novel an edgy sharpness and a dark humor that keeps it from dissolving into a self-pitying mantra. For example, after awaking at the hospital from her suicide attempt, Esther cajoles a nurse into giving her a mirror. Upon realizing that the bruised and swollen face with the shorn head is her own, Esther drops the mirror, which crashes to the ground. Esther is not nice. She delights in overhearing the young nurse being castigated and then she comments, “I listened with mild interest. Anybody could drop a mirror. I didn’t see why they should get so stirred up.”
With a poet’s attention to details and metaphors, evident from the very beginning with the Rosenbergs’ electrocution mirroring Esther's shock therapy, Plath weaves a smart story of survival. Or does she? In her famous poem “Lady Lazarus,” written near the end of her life, Plath alludes to her suicide attempt:
Dying
Is an art, like everything else
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
The poem ends on a note of triumph: “Out of the ash / I rise with my red hair / And I eat men like air.” In The Bell Jar, Esther is not so confident. In the novel’s closing scene, she walks to her exit interview at the private hospital, not so much an active agent as a puppet guided “by a magical thread.” The heart that brags “I am, I am, I am” is not bragging very loudly. Before this interview, Esther voices her uncertainties: “How did I know that someday—at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere—the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn’t descend again?” And hauntingly, in real life, it does. The Bell Jar was published in January 1963. A month later, on February 11th, Plath gassed herself in London.

Ghetto Livin in Oakland 94602 and the Final Goodbye

2008-08-28T16:41:00.000-07:00
Repost from 8/28/04

Ghetto Education
I hear some liberal scholar’s state that every progressive should spend one year in living in the ghetto to fully experience life. Ghetto living gives you insight into a world that most liberals only profess to understand. Looking from the outside in, the “hood” seems a dangerous place; a Mos Eisley-ish “hive of scum and villainy” unfit for most. Like many, economic reasons brought me to ghetto life back in 1998. I spent one year in a crack infested slum. This experience would forever change the way I looked at life. They say you can “take the grrrl out of the ghetto, but you can NEVER take the ghetto out of the grrrl”. True words I live by.

Livin in Da Hood
I lived in the Fruitvalle district of Oakland, a neighborhood notorious for crack, Crips and crime. I was a few blocks up from Martin Luther King Ave, and like Chris Rock says "Martin Luther King stood for non-violence. But, if you're in America in any city or town and on a street named after him, you're gonna find some violence. Run!" This was definitely true for my neighborhood. Ghetto birds flew over head nightly, lighting up the dark sky with strobe lights and a sound that violently shook the foundation of everything below. (Ghetto birds are police helicopters FYI). There were no trees, just graffiti signed cement blocks everywhere, and the gray appearance of burned out old buildings. Every business looked old and run down, with bulletproof cages, barred windows and chained storefronts. Fast food restaurants were non-existent, as well as any place to get food after dark. The 7/11 across the street was ran by Middle Eastern guys, with a security guard who stood in the corner and held a huge semi-automatic riffle. Right next to my apartment building was a burned out looking crack motel, where working girls would solicit clients. These working girls were not pretty; they were total crack hoes, dawned in raggedy clothes, bad teeth, and the look of burned out chicks who lived a very hard life. At night, I would hear fireworks pop, or at least I told myself that for comfort. The truth was its more difficult to get fireworks in California than an AK47 or hand grenade. My neighborhood was Crip territory, and this was obvious by the “uniform” of the young males that would hang around. Dark blue clothing, blue Tupac style bandanas, these young men would always gather after dark on the corner. They never gave me much trouble, though I rarely ventured out after dark.

Oakland; Home of the Luniz, Digital Underground and Too Short

People in Oakland...Oakland
Woo, see I'm ridin higher and higher, woo-oo
Kinda broke so ya know all I gots five, I got five

up in the OAK the Town
homies don't play around,
we down to blaze a pound

Inside These Caged Walls
I lived life inside the caged confinement of a gated apartment complex. Every apartment complex is gated in the ghetto. I often wonder does these gates keep the crime out, or lock the crime within? The outside of my apartment complex was decorated by gang tagging, that the manager gave up cleaning up a while ago. The thing about Oakland is you can go a few blocks and there is middle class housing, and then within a rock throws distance is serious ghetto. My apartment manager was a local musician who played keyboards with an upcoming top 40’s band. His goal was to fill the apartment complex with like minds… artsy, musician types. Out of about 30 units, less than half of the residents’ fit that bill. We all clung together like candles in the wind, trying to create an artsy group within the crushing confines of poverty. Next to me lived a Oakland Public School music teacher, the next apartment down was Nikki a gothic artist girl who worked by day in a sewing factory. Next to her was C-Dawg a big guy with the looks of Notorious BIG, who rapped with the Luniz and was working on his own album. I would find out later that C-Dawg also sold “rocks” to fund his musical projects. I discovered later that he was well known in the Crip scene and now looking back, I realize that he probably kept us safe from the neighborhood gangs. A LA punk rock musician couple lived downstairs, a ecological hippie was a few apartments down. Airwolfe Mike lived upstairs next to Kenny; both of who were locals in the Oakland Brand Hardcore gang. Kenny had OBHC tattooed on his neck. He claimed that his father was one of the leaders in the Hells Angels. There was a small sprinkling of us eccentric artists among the staple residents living off section 8 housing.

Oakland 94602 Crew
We artists formed a crew that would aid and look out for each other. We supported each other’s creative endeavors, attending art shows together, band performances, and other social events. We started calling our apartment complex “Oakland 94602” ( a sick and twisted parody to Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place)due to the drama we experienced in our lives. What was most ironic was that when we lived this hard life, we had simple escapes to forget our local world. Every Wednesday night, a group of us would gather in my small living room and watch “Dawson’s Creek”. This ultimate teeny-bop drama gave us a temporary escape into life outside the meal gates.

Notorious Housing
Life was rough in that part of Oakland. Inside our gated community we all dreamed we could live life off our aspirations and artsy ideals. The apartment complex was old and rather notorious. The landlord spent little if any money on repairs or remodeling. Right before I moved in, there had been a domestic dispute between a husband and wife. According to reports, the wife, a big black woman, grabbed a knife and came at her husband. When the police arrived on the scene a rookie Asian officer saw the knife and “handled” the situation by shooting the woman in the head. She died on the spot. This kind of intervention was typical in the ghetto. My apartment was a pricey $800 for a 2 bedroom one bath. When I moved in I scrubbed the walls for weeks. Grease and crud permeated the space. My windows were slanted glass without screens. The landlord decided that it was not cost effective to replace the broken glass pains, instead he fixed them by layers of duck tape. With housing being so short in the Bay Area, and being poor, one really has no choice but to accept these conditions. This would later cost me most of my possessions, as the duck tape was easy to remove, and hence “break in”.

Broken Glass Everywhere….
I got used to crime there really quick. You never knew what you were coming home to, what you were waking up to, and how things were gonna be. Sometimes you would get up and find your car tagged by the local gang, other times it would be vandalized with windows smashed with rocks, other times… it would be gone. I was robbed at gunpoint, burglarized, had my car stolen, and experienced other “pleasures” for living in a high crime area. All of us residents would always come together when bad things would happen. We would gather money, give rides and give other forms of support to one who was victimized. This was daily life. I also realized that in the ghetto police were empathetic, but not much support or protection. They were way to busy with serious violent crimes to keep us safe within our walls. Surviving the ghetto entails attaching to some local gang connection in order to provide the utmost protection.

OBHC Kenny
A book full of stories came from this living experience. My most memorable surrounded my OBHC friend Kenny.
Though Kenny was not the apartment manager, he ran the place; he was the first to be there when there was trouble and was as fiercely protective of the residents as a junkyard pitbull. Now OBHC stands for Oakland Brand Hardcore; a contingent of hardcore music, which is similar to punk rock only harder faster and darker. OBHC’s were also kinda a gang, that ran the tattoo parlors and local scene. Kenny was a stunning looking guy, blond with piercing blue eyes, a mesmerizing smile, and dimpled baby face. He looked a lot like Jesse James from Monster Garage. Kenny had tattoos all over his body, including “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on his knuckles. He played bass in a local hardcore band and lived off disability. I admit, I was totally hot for Kenny, though never got the opportunity to sleep with him. Kenny and I identified with each other as two tragic souls who dealt with pain, anger and depression. Kenny collected action figures like me, except he only collected Todd McFarlane Spawn figures, which he hung all over his walls in quite an impressive display. Kenny and I would talk for hours about our personal demons. Kenny believed he was like James Dean, someone whose years on this world were numbered. He thought of suicide often and could not break free of his daily pain. Kenny was also a Persian Gulf War Vet, who never really recovered from the experience. He was plagued by nightmares, especially of his experience as a Marine infantryman. He was besieged by memories of war, violence and death. He killed a man with a bayonet, and was forever haunted by this experience. He also was in terrible pain, most probably from Persian Gulf War Syndrome. His gums would bleed, his stomach was always upset; he was weak, tired, and suffered from excruciating body aches. The VA hospital would tell him to “quit being a baby” and then prescribe him more and more drugs…. most often morphine.

Mothers Day Present
When Kenny’s cat “Meow” had kittens, me being the cat lover that I wanted one. I remember the night before Mother’s Day, him jumping out of his apartment and yelling at me to “come get this cat”. The sound of the mewing kittens reportedly had been driving him up the wall. I told him I would be by later that night. When I returned a few hours later, I knocked on his door and there was no response. The next day, I came by several times to see if he was there. Again, no response. This was strange because his white kidnapping van was parked outside in out lot. Later in the afternoon I tried again. This time I saw Airwolf outside Kenny’s apartment and on the phone. His girlfriend was frantically pacing back and force across the balcony. Airwolf was as white as a sheet and there was obviously something wrong. Kenny’s apartment door was agar and th air was stale with a putrid and morbid feeling all around. I walked up to Airwolf, he looked at me with haunted eyes and said words I will never forget. “I think Kenny is dead”. Adrenaline and fear filled my body and I stopped dead in my tracks unable to move. I peaked inside Kenny’s apartment and saw his bedroom door was opened. I could see Kenny’s right foot hanging off his bed. I could not go inside. I ran downstairs to the punk rock neighbors house and rapped on the door. When they answered I told them what I had heard. One of the punk rock guys raced up to go check, and told me and the other girls who had gathered to wait outside. He came back looking white, grim and morbid. “He’s dead” he said solemnly. Reportedly he was stone cold, and had puke all over the side of his face. We later found out that he overdosed on the prescribed morphine. The police arrived soon after that, and then the coroner. The weird thing is that when someone is found dead they keep their body lying there while they ask questions and finish compiling their report. All of us neighbors gathered around in shock, crying, smoking and supporting one another.

Buried with Captain Crunch
After they removed the body we took a big sheet of white paper and hung it on his door for people to sign. We then set some Catholic style candles outside the door along with flowers. We were all in total shock and morning. I was never able to truly recover from this experience. I could never forget Kenny’s prophecy on his life. Kenny’s funeral was a week or so later. All of us residents went together in one group. Kenny was well known in the Oakland scene and his funeral was packed filled, more than standing room only. It was an open casket funeral and Kenny was buried with a box of Captain Crunch (his favorite character). Kenny looked pale and white, but very handsome and stunning as he “slept” in the casket.

Full Military Honors
As we gathered graveside for the burial we expected more from the military for a war vet. The military only provided a burned out Vet with a bad tape recording of “Taps”. This pissed everybody off, especially Kenny’s Hell’s Angels family. Like something out of a weird horror movie, Kenny’s brother slapped the tape out of the Vet’s hand and cursed him for disrespecting Kenny’s service. After that, the crowd went dead silent for a couple seconds. Breaking the silence was the piercing and tormented male voice who yelled out “Kenny”. Just like that the crowd went wild…. We all started crying out Kenny’s name. Shout outs of love, admiration and sorrow. We all then had a turn for a final goodbye. Stoically, I kissed the hard cold casket, and walked away.

Kenny was 27 years old… the same age as Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Jimmy Hendrix. A cheap plastic cup marks his grave, with a record number. I doubt he has a headstone to this day.

I moved soon after that, my year in the ghetto ended. I will never forget the experience… and I will never forget my friend Kenny. Miss you baby!
xxxxoooooooooo.

Every day I wake up
I hope I’m dreamin
I can’t believe this shit
Can’t believe you ain’t here
Sometimes it’s just hard for a nigga to wake up
It’s hard to just keep goin
It’s like I feel empty inside without you bein here
I would do anything man, to bring you back
I’d give all this shit, shit the whole knot
I saw your son today
He look just like you
You was the greatest
You’ll always be the greatest
I miss you big
Can’t wait til that day, when I see your face again
I can’t wait til that day, when I see your face again...

Yeah... this right here (tell me why)
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone
That they truly loved (c’mon, check it out)

Verse one: puff daddy

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain’t always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can’t express what you mean to me
Even though you’re gone, we still a team
Through your family, I’ll fulfill your dream (that’s right)
In the future, can’t wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it’s real, feelings hard to conceal
Can’t imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death

Chorus: faith evans

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

[puff] I miss you big

Verse two: puff daddy

It’s kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I’ll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts big I just can’t define (can’t define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can’t believe you’re gone (can’t believe you’re gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you’re life, after death

Chorus

[faith evans] somebody tell me why

Interlude: faith evans

On that morning
When this life is over
I know
I’ll see your face

Outro: 112

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take
[puff] every day that passes
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] is a day that I get closer
[puff] to seeing you again
Every night I pray, every step I take
[puff] we miss you big... and we won’t stop
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] cause we can’t stop... that’s right
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] we miss you big
*music fades out*

The Bitch

2008-08-23T21:57:00.000-07:00
Repost from 8/23/04

Im One Bad Ass Bitch!
Okay I admit it. Vader is one fucking bitch. This is the name I have heard for myself for most of my life; from my step-dad to my husband, to every fucker who has ever been pissed off at me. I accept this title and wear it like a fancy jewled tiara. I am loud, lewd, obnoxious, rude, tough as shit, no nonsense, driven, opinionated, mouthy, sassy, roxy, sexually powerful, assertive, intelligent, unique, independent and damn ass in your face flirtatious as hell. I am trouble with a capital T, and a hellraiser straight out of Wes Craven’s worst nightmare. I’m no angel, I’m no saint. I’m me. Vader conforms to no one's standards... but my own. I consider the word bitch the ultimate compliment. I don’t want to be some whinny, needy, sexually repressed, catty, backstabbing, money grubbing, submissive and dependant broad. I’m a strong warrior goddess. I’m punk as fuck and proud to be a Digital Underground style freak. Like Easy Mutherfuckin E I kick so much butt... I kick ass!
This is how I have survived….

Let me say one more thing.... I love men.... they are the yin to my yang. Being a Bitch does not mean that you hate men, or fear them, or anything feminatzi like that.

This crazy ass chick just accepts the fact that I am a BITCH. This is my destiny.... this is VADERGRRRL.

Bitchy adj : having the threatening characteristics of a female canine (a wolf, dingo, coyote, wild dog, fox) applied esp. to a woman who is active, direct, blunt, obnoxious, competent, loud-mouthed, independent, stubborn, demanding, achieving, overwhelming, Lusty, strong-minded, scary, ambitious, tough, brassy, boisterous, turbulent, sprawling, strident, striding, and large (physically and/or psychically).

Bitch
(n.) The female of the canine kind, as of the dog, wolf, and fox.
(n.) An opprobrious name for a woman, especially a lewd woman.

IM A BITCH, ARE YOU?
stolen off the web by ambrozia
When I stand up for myself and what I believe in, people call me a bitch. When I stand up for the ones I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my way, they call me a bitch. When I don't take crap from people and make sure I get what I want, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch entails being a person with solid sense of personal and social responsibility. I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and love and respect myself for the beautiful person I am.

Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature that I am, with all my intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.

Being a bitch means I will not compromise what's in my heart. It means I live life MY way. It means I won't let anyone stomp on me. When I speak up against injustice, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's doormat or when I act in the best interest for myself. Am I being selfish? I think not.

I am proud to be a bitch! It means that I have the strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I should be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and thee is NOTHING wrong with that.

So try and stop me, try to douse my spark. You won't succeed and if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

"I shall stomp on all those who oppose me. The stomping shall be swift, the stomping shall be painful, and I shall show no mercy in all my stomping. Amen. " - Lunch Money by Atlas Games

Excerpts from The BITCH Manifesto
by Joreen

Bitches are aggressive, assertive, domineering, overbearing, strong-minded, spiteful, hostile, direct, blunt, candid, obnoxious, thick-skinned, hard-headed, vicious, dogmatic, competent, competitive, pushey, loud-mouthed, independent, stubborn, demanding, manipulative, egoistic, driven, achieving, overwhelming, threatning, scarey, ambitious, tough, brassy, masculine, boisterous, and turbulent. Among other things . A Bitch occupies a lot of psychological space. You always know she is around. A Bitch takes shit from no one. You may not like her, but you cannot ignore her.

Only with other Bitches can a Bitch be truly free.

Okay yeah.... so my women studies roots are showing here a little. lol.

My Way... *with a slight vader slant*
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and ev’ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a grrrl, what has she got?
If not herself, then she has naught.
To say the things she truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

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My Crazy Ass Love Affair with Star Wars.....

2008-08-19T22:07:00.000-07:00
Repost from 8/19/04

A long time ago
In a galaxy far, far away…

Star Wars Childhood
The essence of my childhood seemed tied to one movie, well three; Star Wars, Return of the Jedi, and the Empire Strikes Back. My teenage years became Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but those adventures I will save for another post.

Childhood Escape
I was born in 1970, Star Wars came out in 1977, I was… well you do the math. This was the same year my parents divorced, a difficult time for a child. Especially when your beloved daddy leaves, and you want to pack up and leave with him, but tells you he cant take you. Star Wars provided an escape for me for very difficult times. I still remember watching it in the theater. Theaters in the 70’s and early 80’s were not like the fast food style kind they are today. They had big flashing lit signs, velvety deep red curtains that opened in the beginning of the movie, and balcony seating. The movie experience seemed so much more magical, so much more of an escape. It may have been the last movie that we went to see as a family before the divorce. I’m not sure, but for some reason, it reminds me of life before the broken glass.

Star Wars.... ah... the PERFECT Movie
Watching Star Wars on the big screen, I so fell in love with the movie. I had never seen anything like it. It is and always will be the perfect movie to me. Darth Vader, this mysterious and powerful force comes blazing out of a smoke filled battle, killing people with his fist and the dark force. Luke Skywalker, this goofy farm boy, who would save the rebellion. Princess Leia, the sharp shooter with the sharper tongue. The handsome rouge scoundrel Han Solo (my favorite) and his sidekick Chewbacca. I found each character amazing and full of life. I wanted to live on Tatoine, escape my life, and fight with the rebellion. There is a class photograph of me in the 2nd grade, holding the classroom sign and proudly wearing Star Wars T-shirt. Yes, I was a geek even then.

Geek Out Star Wars Nerd
I still get teary eyed when I watch Star Wars, my heart races in scenes I have watched a hundred times. It’s always a new thrill and sometimes just the cheap therapy I need. My favorite parts (though it’s hard to pick favorites) include the Cantina scene, the duel between Darth Vader and Obi Wan, and then the destruction of the Death Star. I especially love when Darth Vader is on Lukes tail, R2-D2 is hit, all seems doomed and you hear a blast. “What!” yells Darth Vader as he has been hit. Then the film cuts to cowboy white trash Han Solo as he screams “Yee-Haw” and saves the day. Though I don’t believe in marriage, or at least I say that now that I am divorced, I always insist that if I ever DO get married again it will be in theme with the awards ceremony at the end of Star Wars. Ya know, when they play that amazing march song, and Leia is all dressed in the beautiful white gown, and Luke, Han and Chewbacca march down the aisle to receive their medals. Yes, that is it. I think that would make a perfect wedding. That is my geeky fantasy. Lol

Strike Back Time
In 1980 when Empire Strikes Back came out I was ten. I can remember waiting in line to watch the movie, this time alone with my friends. We were so excited, as we had been counting the days for the opening. Here we learn that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, a major cinematic twist. The sexual tension between Leia and Han culminates in one of my favorite love lines;
Princess Leia Organa: I love you.
Han Solo: I know.
This movie also introduces the cult classic character Bobba Fett. Everybody loved Boba Fett, including me. I also started avidly collecting action figures and trading cards. This passion I have to this day, another reason I am very geeky. Empire Strikes Back really has no ending, it leaves you hanging for the next movie. Which was very, very difficult for a 10-year-old kid. “What happens to Han Solo? “ was the talk among the bike ridding circle in my neighborhood. We also wondered about Luke and Darth Vader. Was he really his father? Or did he just say that? We spent hours debating and philosophizing over this. Yes, we were quite obsessed.

Return of the Star Wars Nerd
I was 13 when Return of the Jedi came out, and really able to notice how cute Han looked in those tight pants. Yowza! Though I was too old to appreciate the Ewoks, I loved this movie all the same. This film also had my most memorable and emotion provoking scene. You know when you are watching a movie and you get so into it that you leap to your feet and start screaming? This is the one and only movie that has ever done that for me. Popcorn flying all over the place, the crowd was on its feet, it was power I have never again experienced, besides at a rock concert. I’m sure you all know what scene that was. The moment when the camera pans from Darth Vaders helmet, then sharply cuts to the Emporer and his eyeballs acting all crazy and zapping Luke with beams shooting from his fingers. The film cuts back and forth, between these images and so much emotion is shown in Darth Vaders helmet. Its amazing, you can almost see him turning good. Darth Vader gets up and throws the Emporer down some space hole. That was it. That was movie history. That was the most exciting moment I have ever experienced in film history. That scene makes me crazy to this day. Leia also had a great comeback line in this movie.
Han Solo: I love you.
Princess Leia Organa: I know.
Ahhhh sweet revenge.

My Discovery of Wedge
Once the movies came out on video in the later part of the 80’s I snatched them up and would watch them over, and over. Through watching them on video I learned of great characters I had missed on the big screen. One of those characters was Wedge Antilles. Wedge was in all three Star Wars movies, and was a major player in the Rebel Alliance. Wedge was one of the only fighters to survive the Death Star battle in Star Wars. (his X-wing was injured and he had to fly away). Wedge returned for many great scenes in the battle of Hoth. Wedge further stole the show in Return of the Jedi and basically was the one responsible for blowing up the second Death Star. Wedge is my hero, and I think he desperately deserves to get laid for his heroic actions.

Collecting my Ass Off
In my later life I have become an obsessed Star Wars memorabilia collector. I have quite an impressive collection, actually one of the most valuable things I own. I have star wars curtains, clothing, posters, 12 inch figures, die cast figures, action figures, vehicles and scenes. My house is decorated like a museum dedicated to my Star Wars treasures. My most prized scene is my Jabba the Hut’s lair. Jabba sits on a throne like thang and smokes out of a hookah. I have Leia in bondage gear chained up to him, with salicius crumb, and Jabba’s other assortment of characters. I added to the scene all of the bounty hunters. You name it, I have it; Bosk, IG-88, BobaFett, Dengar, etc. I even threw Darth Maul in the scene as well as a Cylon from Battlestar Gallactica. I know, most of you think this is geeky as hell, but I love it and it makes me so, so happy. This is my escape.

I will end my Geek post with some of my favorite lines from the trilogy. Enjoy and may the force (dark side) be with you.

**This post is dedicated to my luv bunny Jack. Thanks for always checking in on me. Your support and kind words mean sooooooo much. SMOOCH

Obi-wan Kenobi: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Han Solo: Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her

Han Solo: Damn fool, I knew you were going to say that.
Obi-wan Kenobi: Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

Darth Vader: The ciricle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.
Darth Vader: Your powers are weak, old man.
Ben (Obi-wan) Kenobi: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

[X-wings are approaching Death Star.]
Wedge Antilles (Red 2): Look at the size of that thing.
Red Leader: Cut the chatter, Red 2.

Leia: Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!
Han Solo: Who's scruffy-looking?

Luke Skywalker: Alright, I'll give it a try.
Yoda: No! Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

Darth Vader: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger! Only your hatred can destroy me!

Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. [pauses] Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Darth Vader: If you only knew the *power* of the dark side. Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me *you* killed him.
Darth Vader: No. *I* am your father.

Darth Vader: There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Falcon. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive. No disintegrations.
Boba Fett: As you wish.

Emperor Palpatine: Take your Jedi weapon! Use it. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!

Darth Vader: Your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister! So. You have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.
Luke: No!

Darth Vader: Luke, help me take this mask off.
Luke: But you'll die.
Darth Vader: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes.

Darth Vader: The Emperor has been expecting you.
Luke Skywalker: I know, father.
Darth Vader: So, you have accepted the truth.
Luke Skywalker: I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.
Darth Vader: That name no longer has any meaning for me!
Luke Skywalker: It is the name of your true self, you've only forgotten. I know there is good in you, the Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully. That was why you couldn't destroy me, that's why you won't bring me to your emperor now.
Darth Vader: I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete, indeed you are powerful as the emperor has foreseen.
Luke Skywalker: Come with me.
Darth Vader: Obi-Wan once thought as you do. You don't know the *power* of the Dark Side, I *must* obey my master.
Luke Skywalker: I will not turn, and you'll be forced to kill me.
Darth Vader: If that is your destiny.
Luke Skywalker: Search your feelings, Father, you can't do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.
Darth Vader: It is too late for me son. The Emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.
Luke: Then my father is truly dead.

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Rock the Nation

2008-08-02T19:29:00.000-07:00
Repost from 8/24/04

We livin' in a mean time and an aggressive time
a painful time, a time where cynicism rots to the vine
in a time where violence blocks the summer shine
lifetimes, go by in a flash
in search for love, in search for cash
everybody wanna be some fat tycoon
everybody wanna be on a tropic honeymoon
nobody wanna sing a little bit out of tune
or be the backbone of a rebel platoon
it's too soon to step out of line
you might get laughed at you might get fined
but do you feel me when I say I feel pain everyday
when I see the way my friends gotta slave
and never get ahead of bills they gotta pay
no way no way!
some make a living doing killilng Colombian penicillin
some are willing to play the villain they just chillin'
to pass the time, pass the information
or pass the wine
pass the buck or pass the baton
but you can't pass the police or the pentagon
the I.R.S. or the upper echelon
I think it's time to make a move on the contradiction

(chorus)
Bam-Bam, rock the nation
take over television and radio station

Bam-Bam the truth shall come
give the corporation some complication!

This is the dawning of our time I say it one more time
to emphasize the meaning of my rhyme
to rise above all the dirt and grime
add the right spice at the right time
fuck the constitution
are we part of the solution or are we part of the pollution
sittin' by and wonderin' why,
things ain't the way we like to find them to be, to be
for you and for me the people over there and the ones in between
check our habitation are we a peace lovin' nation
peace lovin' nation
I have a reasonable doubt I think I'll just spell it out
there's no need to scream or to shout
the N.R.A. just bought a man's soul
then he jumps up and shouts gun control
the government says that killin's a sin
unless you kill a murderer with a lethal syringe
so I ask again "are we peace lover's then"
some of them slang guns when they six years old
some of them end up in some six foot hole
this whole #### place seems to, lost control
so I raise my voice before I lose my soul
(chorus)

This is the way I'll express my feelings
vibe revealed and revolved spinnin on a record y'all
try to confiscate take what I communicate with
it's ancient gift of the lip steady creating
activating passin vocal vibrations to the blind plus the seeing
human doesn't mean just being
be coming don't believe it just belife it
belongings or beloved rehearse it or recite it
while shining drop your guns and move your tongues
battle motivation in no time lyrics come
sometimes fun others run their mouth or away
my mind co beaming like an early sunray
one day we'll get the picture and all combine
less the talking bout mines is mine and become one mind
every piece of the puzzle has its place
to build the piece of the puzzle called the human race

taking it long enough we crush the formal journalistic
dyslexic critters talk backwards to rap words
I'm sure raising my hands with questions and demands
statements and a plan with a map of the land
(chorus)

Michael Franti & Spearhead - Rock the Nation Lyrics

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Asphyxiation and Chasing the Big O

2008-01-30T17:04:00.000-08:00
Repost from 1/30/05

Your Freaky Fetish Is Asphyxiation!

Definition: having your breathing deprived

In this case for heightened orgasm

Usually done alone, but sometimes with a partner

Bottom line - you're one kinky mofo!!

What's Your Freaky Fetish?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Asphyxiation Fetish?
I can’t get enough of these online sex quizzes. However, when I got the asphyxiation fetish results, it did catch me a little off guard. I must admit, as wild and kinky as I am, strangling myself to achieve a greater orgasm, doesn’t have much appeal. Yes, I have had lovers strangle me while having animal-like sex, and it was kinda kinky and fun, but it didn’t bring me closer to orgasm than my faithful vibrator. Tying a noose around my neck and masturbating scares me more than anything else. I’m totally not interested in sex that I can die from.

So, I decided to do a little research on this masturbation taboo.

From this site Masturbation horror stores

"So many ways to live, so many ways to die. Pretty as that thought may be, the fact is that most masturbation deaths are simple variations of auto-erotic asphyxiation. People end up suffocating themselves, either through simple strangulation with a rope, in an effort to increase orgasmic intensity, or through more creative means. And, in some cases, even if you don't end up dead, you might wish you were...

Auto-erotic asphyxiation (asphyxiophilia) accounts for 250 to 1000 deaths per year in the United States. Though cases have been reported of people from 11-75 years old, the most common practitioners are 12-25 years. It's almost exclusively a male kink; few female cases have been reported. According to one study, during asphyxiation, 51% of people engage in sexual bondage, 12% in sexual masochism, 9% in fetishism, and only 4% in transvestitism. The practice has been described in medical literature for over 100 years, in fact, in Victorian England there was a "Hanged Men's Club" in London that specialized in getting its members off through strangulation.
Source: The Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol. 18, No. 3, 181-189"

Chasing the Big O
The first time I heard about auto-erotic asphyxiation was when INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence died. I remember being shocked and awed by this revelation. People strangle themselves and masturbate? You can achieve a better orgasm this way? To me, an orgasm is an orgasm. I can have great orgasms from a vibrator, even greater ones with a vibrator and penetration, and even better ones from oral sex. I just love the release, the intensity, and the sensation of an orgasm. But I’m definitely not chasing the ultimate “O”.

Tvland Asphyxiation Tales
One of my favorite shows Six Feet Under http://www.sixfeetunderfan.com/backtoanalysis.html featured a guy who killed himself during masturbatory asphyxiation. I guess he forgot to bite into the lemon while cumming, to wake himself up. Ive also seen this on CSI and X-files. Its definitely something I find rather creepy.

I found more information on asphyxiation from this site.

"When one talks about the pleasures he or she experiences in life, where does the feeling of an orgasm rank with you? Number one? Top three? If you're like most people, it will rank very high on your list. Now, what if you could enhance that feeling? What if you were able to achieve an orgasm so powerful that perhaps regular orgasms would no longer suffice?
During the 1980's, pop band INXS was one of the top bands of the decade. Producing hit after hit, they also had a brazen lead singer named Michael Hutchence. Along with being a sex symbol, Hutchence often lived the rock star, fast lane life. He was found dead in 1997, hanging from a closet rail with a belt around his neck.
While the investigation ruled his death a suicide, his then girlfriend Paula Yates (who also ended up killing herself) said it was not suicide, that he sometimes participated in autoerotic asphyxiation. It was believed because of the taboo nature of this act (and the supposed depravity it infers), that Hutchence's family wanted his death to be considered a rock 'n roll suicide.
Hutchence's death, preceded by a common theme in novels by William S. Burroughs, and a famous scene from the movie The Ruling Class with Peter O'Toole, have helped bring this phenomenon into the mainstream”

Strange Kinky Shizat
Well, I may be one kinky ass blogger, but this sexual fetish scares the shit out of me. A little S/M style choking is okay, but I really don’t like to be strangled much. I don’t care if it makes my orgasm more intense or not.

MMMMMM Talk Dirty to Me
Anyway, I’m going to leave you with a couple more kinky sex quizzes I enjoyed. Just cant get enough of those. I’m also going to add a kinky email I received from one of my favorite readers. Flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. Take care my blog loves, sorry I haven’t been to blogerish as of late. Too much to do in my whirlwind life…..
Thanks for reading.
Xxxoooo

VG,
Naturally, I loved the pictorial of your breasts. What man wouldn't? You won both the popular and electoral vote with my spermatadpolezoids; maybe I'll ogle the tit pic again while I send the little bastards down my veiny railgun to oblivion with a few hundred pumps. I was less enthralled with the pic of "Bitey" the He-Man Warrior. Or should I say *your* He-Man Warrior. To me, he looks like a goldfish in a shot glass. I remain further unimpressed because he's "competition" for your attention/affection in a contest that doesn't officially exist. Mind you, I'm not obsessed with you, nor am I am a stalker...but as long as I'm being glib, I hate all potential rivals, whom I'd have to kill in order to steal you away. I don't mind the killing, just the logistics involved. In case you're wondering...why yes, I'd clone you and have ball-draining intercourse nonstop with said clone; or I'd build what I call a 'fuckbot' that visually would be your twin, only obedient. However, for some reason that defies all logic (and politics) sooner than later I would feel the urge to have your sassyness and sex appeal programmed into the clone or 'bot. I wouldn't get laid as much but without the fem-fire, you'd be just another chickbot. I don't know why, but it's important to have your admiration more than other peoples and for my words to please you. I am baffled by this, even annoyed, but I'll let the illogic ride out its course.
Damn your seductive spell, witchy woman!

hey sexy thang,
im nekkid here now just for you.

Christ, I wish. But with genius comes despair; even your Dark Lord is aware demand for women of your caliber far exceeds supply.

Damn it all. Get some leg and ass pics up. There's not any part of you that isn't HAWT -- Avril Lavigne spelling

Your Sex Sign is Scorpio!

If you've done it, you've aced it.

You're a total sex master... up for almost anything, anytime.

You're great at talking dirty and getting down!

The catch: you never share.

One look at your body, and you're lover will know that you're worth it!

Scorpio, you are an erotic dynamo!

You are a sexual expert, devastatingly attractive - with a pervert's vocabulary.

Pair that with your hot, lusty body that just doesn't quit...

Above all you need a lover with a high sex drive.

You have such a fantastic sexual energy - you can consume a lover with your intensity.

You love kinky sex.

You love to be the dominant partner in the bedroom, and you adore sex toys of all kinds.

Your favorite turn-on is watching porno movies.

You are very physical and sexual in public.

You will instantly stake out your claim on anyone you consider yours.

You are very jealous and possessive - and can usually annihilate any competition.

Your personality is stormy and explosive.

You love to pick fights in hopes of having steamy make-up sex!

What's Your Sex Sign??

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Sexual Record You're Most Likely to Break:

Most Lovers

Whew! You get around quite a bit

But can you break Wilt Chamberlin's 20,000 mark?

Or if your a woman, you just have to get past Brigitte Bardot's 5000...

What Sexual Record Will You Break?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Lost in Lost....Lost in Translation..Lost in Space... Heck Ive just been LOST

2008-01-06T01:15:00.000-08:00
Wow.

Its been a long, long time in a galaxy far, too far away. Dont know if Id remember how to do this. Which brings me to the whole reason I started bloggin’ back all those years ago. To exercise writing daily to build skill and practice. Didnt think anyone would find it or read it but me and it would be an online archive.

A Comment
Then someone left a comment JP and I thought gee wilikers somebody actually read this????? And then it happened..... I started reading his blog
JP's Blog daily and leaving comments. JP subsequently lost his job for blogging. This suxs because I loved his short but powerful rants. Of course I had to write these long as hell rants.... Though I preferred reading short ones with power and greatness in few sentences. But this domino effect occurred and a community of bloggers grew. We debated subjects like the Bush/gosh I cant think of his name now, the democratic candidate that burned his metals but was a hero in Vietnam... oh well thank the maker for Obama and Huckabee... fresh faces. But again Im rambling here.

Invasion
Yeah so it became this thang, this strange and bizarre co-dependent community of bloggers and sometimes the comments became chat rooms... Im embarrased sometimes to google my handle vadergrrrl and read some of my comments. But then people started reading my blog from the OUTSIDE world. This garden of eden invaded by snakes outing my pen name and lavishing on my work here as fodder for embellished table gossip. Im so bad for writing these things, the shame the horror. Ive been in trouble at jobs for blogs discovered. If you check out this silly post created fantasy spoof linking bloggers I'd befriended in our community online. Its funny to go through this now.
Link to Fantasy Island Blog Post So many blogs ended, lives changed, voices silenced.

Maybe I will start blogging again. I always said Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees..!!! Well I actually stole that from Magneto who stole it from someone else I suppose.

Snort it, Lick it, Suck it, Fuck it. Or whatever Britney Spears is credited. I must say I LOVE HER now. Reminds me too much of Frances Farmer. Here is a comment I left on her site
Britney Blackout Blog

Gabba Gabba Hey......

The Sink -For R.L.

2006-03-25T03:04:00.000-08:00
What is hell
If not where I dwell

The art of death
Oh Master

You will pay to see
My scars self inflicted

Down deep faces blur
Do I feel?

Nothing but that
Damn nagging urge

Quick escape
Pain so good

Sylvia’s Oven
Hemingway’s Fairwell to Arms

Mary’s Percy drowned
Hunter now hunted

xanax, prozac, lithium
zyprexa, zoloft, celexa

Ocean color pills
The Cure

Like Robert Smith
Boys don’t cry

Triggers
Potato chips I sneak at night

Blame my abuse
Or the abuse

Im dying again, not quick enough
sticky peanut butter memories

Like my boys coming home
With memories of body parts

Killers under orders
Highs from steroids

Wanting to return to Army war games
And battlefields

Where the rage in this age
Awards the Medal of Honor

How do we separate human
From animal

Killer from hero
We all wish to erase haunting hours

Control alludes me as I will never be
normal, loved, accepted

Inevitably I fail again
Even my dreams

Escape me
This world human

But am I?
Cravings of sex

All I’m good for
Rage so black

The sink
I’m sinking

No light ahead
Dark as dead

I desire/detonation
I destruct

Impact forever lasting
Dear God so aware,

My demons beware.
Out of hell we arise

Breathing death like air.

This is a poem off my poetry site. Yeah I twist and spin on Sylvia's 1962 poem. But I feel this. I'm going to take the comments off this site. My writing is so few and far between to be part of the community. I am writing, oh yes, but there are stalker freaks/family members, wanna be family etc that want to persecute me for writing and try to kill/silence me.

well i say this

silence = death

I look at you in the face head strong and keep going on. Revenge is a dish best served cold. as kahn said. lol

thanks for reading guys.

Vader Loves Our Troops and Thanks

2006-03-04T01:50:00.000-08:00

My brother comes home from Iraq this sunday. Thanks to all for all your support on that. Its been a hard year.

I got this email today. Sometimes things like this make life and blogging worth while.

"You know, in June or July of 2004 you posted some links to military penpal websites. I was bored at work and happened upon your blog. I decided to sign up for military pen pals on one of the sites. I signed up on the site and viewed the members online that were looking for penpals. One of the guys I saw caught my eye and I was intriqued but didn't contact him, but I will admit I did daydream about him. The funny thing is within an hour of signing up, that same guy sent me an email, I had also caught his eye. Long story short, I wound up falling in love with a wonderful man who treated me like a goddess and loves my four year old daughter as if she were his own. I just wanted to tell you that if you had not listed those links, I probably would not have meet my husband. It sounds very cheesy, I know, but thank you. I guess it was one of those right place at the right time things but I thought I'd let you know about a positive difference you made in three peoples lives. Again thank you."

It makes me feel good in my sea of depression and isolation to know something I write on line means something to somebody.

I've been very effected by this war. Not only in regards to my brother but also to my very dear freinds with teh Stryker Brigade based out of Ft. Lewis, WA. I so love, love, love these heroes.

Check out this website for the most amazing photography and helmet cam footage from Iraq soldier warriors.

Hero Brian's amazing Strker photos and helmet cam footage

I so appreciate these sexy, hawt and amazing boyz. They know this and are such the fodder for many of my poems and even tattoos.

Thanks again for reading guys.

Dont forget our boys over there.

Yeah Bruce has a good song, but shit let's get them home safe and forever honor the service they did for us.

Fuck Anoniminity

2006-02-25T22:31:00.000-08:00
Yeah yeah. Everyone knows this is pretty much me, miriam here. I havent wrote on this blog for a while cuz everyone and their momma seems to know this is me and then everything I write is scrutinized and up for some sort of public lynching. I never wrote for anyone but myself here. But alas... the double edge sword of being a writer. People love to hate you. They love you write about them, but HATE it too. Expecially if its a little negative, which as morbid and depressed as I am most of the time, yes their portrayal will be harsh. Sorry. Its the nature of the poisen pen.

I did start another blog. Its a poetry blog. Ive been doing a lot of writing on there. Im not gonna give it out here because I dont feel its a safe space. Just due to all the hassels and witch hunting attacks I recieved here. But if you really want to read my poems. Send me an email. YOu know how to reach me.

Peace luv and Humptiness 4-evah!

Here is one of my poems. Go ahead and slam!

Cabrillo Heights Dream
Walls that scream
With cockroaches
And fried food
I heard you
The muffled cries
Were they mine?

Hand on throught
The baby cries
Drowning out the
Split pea soup tension
Like that sappy anology

Old WWII housing
Like matchboxes
Whose walls
Ooze with
Blood past

I coveted time alone
Westpack
Duty
Then I didn’t worry
About keys turning
Doornobs

Your malt ligour breath
Over me
With ham hands
Drowning
In this shot-gun wedding

Dreams of the Color Purple
And Grapes of wrath
Mastering the art of
Hiding bruises
navy life

With all the trappings
Of small town trash
Trapped
Where race mixers
Know how to stick to
Their own kind

The niggers on the white girl
Is what you said
Hands grasping my neck
Poor white girl
You whispered
Upon my tear stained cheek

No one wants you
Not even your own family
Narrow ass bitch
You are mine

I dreamt of escape
And prayed
God would save me
Pretending to sleep
Babys breath
Comforting my chest

I knew the day would come
When all comes back
So we packed up
Flipping off military life

Only to return
One day
To that comforting cycle
That I know all too well

Girls on Film (uncut)

2005-12-23T18:25:00.000-08:00
Now that Christmas is over I can post this. Yes I loved Wham! This was junior high and the 80's. I didnt know anything more than the fact that I thought my Motley Crue almbum would send me to hell. So I burned it. Stoopid me. However, I did fall in love with Duran Duran big time. THis was 1986 or so (whoops actually it was like 1982), so who could blame me I was young. I think Duran Duran revolutionized the video genrea, way before Michael Jackson even thought about it. I so loved watching Duran Duran on Night Flight. I would wait up just to see their videos.

So back in the day, I heard urban legends about thier "Girls on Film" video. This was locker room talk, nothing substantiated because god knows in my small town we coudlnt get our hands on anything except from the local Tower Records. So, I heard rumor that Duran Duran had a video with girl on girl action and nudity but never saw it until I was in my 20's. I still pass around my Duran Duran video collection anytime any of us have break up. Nothing better to heal the heart that John Taylor. Irregardless, if you havent seen the video here it is. Yes there is nudity, yes there is girl on girl action, and yes, Simon Lebon gets some too. I love this band. I dont care what anyone says. Fucking HAWT and I want them all.

YUM YUM.

Thank gawd christmas is over. Haleluia its raining men!

Girls On Film(uncut)

View more video clips at Yashi

Happy Christmas

2005-12-22T14:24:00.000-08:00
Yes! I used to like these guys. In fact, I used to love these guys. My bedroom was nothing more than a shrine to this group, including 16 mags, albums, posters covering my walls. I even got a choose life shirt because they wore in in one of their videos. Little did I know what it meant, and I wounder if they did too. I cried my eyes out when they broke up. Ahhh first love. Oh yeah, I liked the other guy Andrew Ridgely. I wounder what ever happened to him? Anyway, here is a video to lighten my spirits and yours. Happy Christmas!

Wham - Last Christmas

View more video clips at Yashi

Chorus:
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

[Chorus:]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

(Oooh, Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

[Chorus:]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special(special)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special(special)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Maybe, Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
special-someone-someone

PS I still think George Michael is one of the best songwriters. And he sure is pretty.

Holidays and HURT!

2005-12-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

I cant really write in a public forum anymore. Too many McCarthy Witch hunters. But if you can read between the lines and look within my posts you will know exactly how I feel... which today is hurt.

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Watch Video:
HURT (Johnny Cash)
Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Your so Vain

2005-11-26T21:14:00.000-08:00
This is for you. I think you know who you are....

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (so vain)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Blackass and Much Ado about Nothingness

2005-11-20T00:29:00.000-08:00

Blackass

Strikes again
Revenge of the Bitch

Dangerous Liaisons
Reckless abandon

I cant move

Do I care?-
vadergrrrl Nov 2005

Bla Bla Bla.. Gabba Gabba Hey!
Sitting home with nothing to do besides wallow in my writers block and holiday induced blackass. What to do besides try to write some fuckin poetry and then collect quotes from those who inspire me. Yeah Im a whore for quotes. I like posting on my Wickedly Insane Brilliant People Myspace group because I feel like its less pressure than writing on my blog. Too many people were reading my blog and then using my words to haunt me. That takes all the momentum out of me as a writer. I may post this dribble on both sites because since my disappearance from the blog world, few seem to bother me for my rants these days.

I cranked out a few poems here tonight. Thanks to a couple drinks, good poet dialog with a friend, and of course chain smoking Winstons. This poetry is very raw and un-edited so feel free to critique if you want.

The Gambler

Your dead man hand
Touching me

Red suit of hearts
I covet

Strong hand
Stoic eyes

Flushed with desire
I fold
-vadergrrrl Nov 2005

That poem I wrote about a special guy in my life. I met him in Colorado and he changed/saved my life. A very private person, I know he doesn’t want me writing about him on the relationship. All I can say is that he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Laxative Dream

Overindulged excess
Temporary pleasure

I purged you out
As fast as you came

Painful explosions
Then release

A little pill eradicates
My past mistake-
vadergrrrl Oct 2005

Quote Whore
So here are some quotes I found. Many are from Hemingway because I truly take inspiration from him. Collecting quotes and re-reading “the greats” seems to help me deal with my writers block/blackass. Its so hard to move from wanting to sleep all the time to actually doing something, something as simple/complex as writing. I do think my depression leads to great inspiration and is the impetus for my writing. However how do you find that medium that keeps you feeling the fodder and not letting it kill you?

First, there must be talent. . .Then there must be discipline. . .Then there must be. . .and absolute conscience. . .to prevent faking. (Ernest Hemingway)

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof shit detector. (Ernest Hemingway)

My working habits are simple: long periods of thinking, short periods of writing. (Ernest Hemingway)

One of the difficulties in the language is that all our words from loose using have lost their edge. (Ernest Hemingway)

Everyone my age had written a novel and I was still having difficulty writing a paragraph. (Ernest Hemingway)

Prose is architecture not interior decoration. (Ernest Hemingway)
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that it all happened to you, and afterwards it all belongs to you. (Ernest Hemingway)

I always rewrite each day up to the point where I stopped. When it is all finished, naturally you go over it. You get another chance to correct and rewrite when someone else types it, and you see it clean in type. The last chance is in the proofs. You're grateful for these different chances. (Ernest Hemingway)

Write hard and clear about what hurts. (Ernest Hemingway)

Here is a link to some books that I read when trying to write/create.

Stephen King on Writing

The Artists Way

Writing well is the best revenge. — Dorothy Parker

Writing is fighting. — Muhammad Ali

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. — Mark Twain

Art is the lie that tells the truth. — Pablo Picasso

My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whisky. — William Faulkner

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. — Mark Twain

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy

The friends that have I do it wrong
Whenever I remake a song,
Should know what issue is at stake:
It is myself that I remake.
William Butler Yeats
There are significant moments in everyone's day that can make literature. That's what you ought to write about. — Raymond Carver

The misuse of language induces evil in the soul. — Socrates

Fiction is the truth inside the lie. — Stephen King

Mediocre writers borrow; great writers steal. — TS Eliot
I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English — it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them — then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice. — Mark Twain

No time for poetry but exactly what is. — Jack Kerouac

Try and write straight English; never using slang except in dialogue and then only when unavoidable. Because all slang goes sour in a short time. I only use swear words, for example, that have lasted at least a thousand years for fear of getting stuff that will be simply timely and then go sour. — Ernest Hemingway

Nothing leads so straight to futility as literary ambitions without systematic knowledge. — HG Wells

Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all. — Winston Churchill

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

So if you made it this far you really care about what the fuck I say and thank you for reading. I must say I learned a lot about writing from this amazing woman, June Jordan, who I took a poetry class from at UC Berkeley. She was this strong powerful black diva who taught a very informational yet intimidating class. This class taught me so much, yet also scared the shit out of me. Before her class I was able to write freely, without self criticsim. After her class and all the “PC-ness” that a poetry class from Berkeley brought me, I started silencing my voice. Its coming back though. And I here that many have also gone through long dry periods. So… I just keep on keeping on.

PS I cant spell. But… then what is grammar and spelling but another cage that challenges us and blocks us as writers!??!!!

PPS I tried to find some google images for Blackass and all I could find was porn and death metal bands.

BUT I DID FIND THIS... LOL

2005-10-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

July 4th Smoke In in WA DC

I dont have much computer time, I'm still wandering about here and there. I apologize for my absence and my neglect of my online friends. I really just dont have more than a few mins on the computer. Enough time to check email. Thats it.

But I did find this great photo on the internet with a link to one of my favorite articles by my friend Pete Brady. This whole event was one big adventure. Further fodder for my novel writing.

Im going to link the article here. Its a great read and the article features, yours truly, my real self. Enjoy.

CANNABIS CULTURE ARTICLE

My New Tattoo. The only name I would get on my heart.

Vader's Pulp Fiction

2005-10-09T03:09:00.000-07:00
To Tell the Truth
A cheesy show I watched as a kid. But now this catch fraze rings more solid meaning. Blogging, writing, posting your raw thoughts on the web. Is it fact or is it fiction? I will never tell.

a·li·as (ā'lē-əs, āl'yəs)
n.
1. An assumed name: The swindler worked under various aliases.
2. Electronics. A false signal in telecommunication links from beats between signal frequency and sampling frequency.
adv.
Also known as; otherwise: Johnson, alias Johns.

pen name also pen·name (pĕn'nām')
n.
A pseudonym used by a writer. Also called nom de plume.

pseu·do·nym (sūd'n-ĭm')
n.
A fictitious name, especially a pen name.

fic·tion (fĭk'shən)
n.
a. An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented.
b. The act of inventing such a creation or pretense.
1. A lie.
a. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
b. The category of literature comprising works of this kind, including novels and short stories.
2. Law. Something untrue that is intentionally represented as true by the narrator.

writ·er (rī'tər)
n.
One who writes, especially as an occupation.

truth (trūth)
n., pl. truths (trūTHz, trūths).
1. Conformity to fact or actuality.
2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
3. Sincerity; integrity.
4. Fidelity to an original or standard.
a. Reality; actuality.
b. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.

Trouble from the Pages
When beginning blogging few people knew Vadergrrrl was me. After things exploded; it seemed they all knew. From my kid, to my family, to my co-workers, to my friends, to my dates. Everything I put up on my blog was spectacle for judgment on my reality. I don’t know how many times I had to say. What the fuck? I am a writer for fucks sake! I use an alias. Its fodder for writing. If you see something that sounds familiar, like it may be based on truth, well shit, deal with it. Yes, my writing is inspired by my crazy life but that doesn’t mean its true or real. I write as therapy. Blogging was therapy and community. Maybe my rants were based on memory, maybe they are based on fantasy. But the reason I blog under a character I created is for this… to write, to create, to express raw fucking me. If I wanted to write reality I would webcam my life 24/7 and include my real name and professional resume. Sweet JEESAS!

KILL THE WITCH
Anyway, since being exposed and criticized like a medieval witch hunt all the fun of blogging and writing has been stripped away. Plus, I really havent had computer access to write. Ive been too busy living the life. Awaiting for a break in this drama to actually be able to transfer it all to paper.

The Sound of Silence
So silence and seclusion have been my survival as of late. But, lack of voice seems to be killing me. Like Audre Lorde said Silence = Death. I must be able to speak, to write, to get it all out. But I need to feel safe about it to. I don’t like my words being used against me. I’m sure I’m not the first writer or blogger this has happened too.

So I did some quick research and found this information helpful.

Great Disclaimer!
From this Website
By viewing this site you probably don't agree to our terms of use but here they are anyway:
This is a spoof web site. All stories are fictional. Any similarity to real persons, organizations, businesses or groups is purely co-incidental, unless for satirical purposes.
By viewing this website you agree not to sue the owners, operators, or/and writers of this site (us).
You agree not to use the information on this website against us.
You agree not to re-broadcast, print or distribute the contents of this website IN ANY FORM without WRITTEN PERMISSION from us.
We (the writers, owners and operators of this website) take no responsibility for anything that may result from this website's existence.
We do not intend to offend, insult or harm anyone or any business, organisation or group, but we take no responsibility if we do.
We take no responsibility for any information passed on to anyone else from this website.

Legal Advice on writing from this attorney's website
Information from Entertainment Law Resources
As an entertainment attorney I am often called upon to assist writers who have gotten themselves into trouble because they don't understand how their work infringes the rights of others. A writer who learns the fine points of the law through trial and error is receiving an expensive education. Here is a brief explanation of how to protect yourself.[1]
TROUBLE FROM PEOPLE PORTRAYED IN YOUR WORK
I. FICTIONAL CHARACTERS
If your script or film contains fictional characters -- characters from your imagination -- you generally do not need to obtain any permissions or releases. However, if there is a chance that the public could mistake your imaginary characters for real people, you could be liable if you have thereby infringed their rights.
You can protect yourself by making sure your fictional characters cannot be mistaken for real people. Give characters unusual names that no living individual would have. Check the phone book to see if any people with your character. s name reside at the location portrayed in your story. If there is a person in that community with the same name or a similar one, consider changing the locale or setting the story in a fictional locale. Add a disclaimer at the beginning of the film stating that any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
If fictional characters are drawn from another. s literary work, you might be infringing that author's copyright unless the work has gone into the public domain, or your use is considered a fair use. You may borrow personality traits, however, without infringing another's copyright. The first author to create a hard-boiled private eye, for example, cannot prevent other authors from creating their own hard-boiled private eyes.

Some Blog Advice
I got this from the above link "A lot of the worries about whether a weblog is "true" or "fictitious" could be solved if weblog editors made it clear -- as is done with all books -- whether the content is "fiction" or "non-fiction". Some weblog writers might need to make this disclaimer one post at a time. We all know that there is often much "truth" in fiction. However, if a writer is making up facts, he or she should not be implying or declaring that the work is non-fiction."

FICTION BABY – Vader’s Pulp Fiction
Yes so I will never say whether what you read or have read on my rant page is true or not. That is my business. Blogging is all fantasy anyway. Shit I could be a 50 pound man for all you know. But really, I will continue to write on this page but I realize now what I write is now exposed. I can not write raw, real, rantings. Just cute little blurbs about life open to ridicule, judgment and speculation. Fine. But this wont silence me. I started a blog on livejournal that can only be read by friends, or people I chose to let read it. Here is the link, hopefully it will work. My master evil plan to remove my gag and SPEAK MY TRUTH. Vader's Live Journal I wish blogger had this option. I still don’t understand livejournal, but what the hell Im gonna figure this out cause I need my voice back. I need to be free of the shackles of public infamy. Now let’s see what Vader will rant about.
*evil grin*

GOD DAMN! Nuthin More INSANE THAN Seeing Your Ex Boyfriend on MTV….

2005-09-05T17:38:00.000-07:00
Zen and Insanity
While Im taking time to get my head straight, and sort out my life, the craziest most fucking surreal things tend to keep happening. Im all about reaching that cosmic zen inside my mind to fight off the Metallica demons and slay oncoming attacks from invisible super-villains. Its been a struggle, but I think I will emerge victorious.

Fuck Stoopid Ass MTV
In any event, I NEVER watch MTV anymore. I dunno, I love music, but I just got burned out on keeping up with whose a rockstar. Plus the whole rockstar mentality makes me want to vomit. Big fucking deal, you happened to be in the right place at the right time and scored yourself connections to “sell out”. I don’t fucking care about your fame and “talent”. This foul taste also derived itself from actually hanging out with rockstars in the late 90’s. The fakeness of the backstage scene, the constant name dropping, the plastic friendships, I just hated it all and preferred to get stoned in some back corner, than smooze with the stars.

Name Dropping Rock Stars
At this time when I was hanging with these famous bands, I was living with a guy, also the love of my life (so far). He was a loser and a user, and ran his god damn mouth for hours about how he grew up with this famous band, and how he now in effect was a legend. He had pictures of them from the early “punk” days, and spent hours taking each picture one by one, and detailing boring ass name dropping stories. I HATED that. Plus, he always loved this band more than me. Basically, that’s one of the reasons we broke up (among many). When the lead singer admitted in a song and interview that he might be “bisexual” and he experimented as a teenager with a “friend”, I knew damn well why I would NEVER be loved as much as that band. It hurt, but I accepted that.

FAME… Whats a Name?
Years go by, and this band has its ups and downs, like any other. Recently they put out a new album and now they are bigger than fucking EVER. Im happy for them, because though I was jealous and disgusted by the scene, they are nice people and extremely talented. They even helped me in ways I can never repay. I will always love them and their families, but since they are such good friends with my EX, I let them go, and never looked back again.

SHOCK Me Babee!
So, Im sitting at the computer, just back from a fun time in Seattle and hanging with my sister and my niece. They are watching the MTV music awards, like teenage girls do. A band comes driving up in an old car. My sister and niece squeal and giggle

“oh we love these guys”,
“is this sum 41?”…. long pause.
“No its ______ _____!”.
“Hey don’t you know him?” they ask

“yeah” I shrug “ I know all of them” trying to change the subject but shocked by how much they changed from when I knew them in the late 90s. Totally hollywood. Money and fame sure as shit does change people.

Then to my shock, horror and awe, the lead singer stops the interview and points out the driver of the car they came cruising in on. He goes on and on about what a “car legend”
this guy is. The camera and the announcer turn away from the band and pan in on… a face…. A familiar face a presence I haven’t felt since…
“GOD FUCKING DAMN… that’s my EX BOYFRIEND”.

I could not believe it, what were the fucking chances I happen to sit down at that time and happen to see his face smiling from the wheel of a hot rod on fucking MTV.

“now I really have something to brag about” chimed my little sister.

“uh… please don’t” I replied shocked as shit “I really don’t get off on talking or thinking about my ex”

End of story. Fuck, shit, god fucking DAMN! Im feeling like a loser, finding my self, and my ex boyfriend is still living in a fantasy world that he is a rock star, and now even being showcased on MTV.

Somebody kill me now.

Star Wars Gangsta Rap - Repost... cuz its so damn good

2005-09-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

recent dark photo of me taken with my dangerous webcam

Well Hells bells... I do have many adventures and stories to write about. I keep telling my sordid life to "save the drama for the pages", but alas I am Vadergrrrl, so life just keeps getting more and more entertaining.

more recent webcam photos

So I decided to repost one of my favorite posts from a year ago. Yes, Its Star Wars Gangsta Rap... whoooo hooooo.

Yes, I saw the new movie and YES i loved it. I knew it was going to be good when there was a decapitation scene in the first 10 minutes. With duel lightsabers no less. mmmmmm violence and death.... I love it. Remember, Im the same sick twisted bitch that gets all excited over the cop torture scene in Reservoir Dogs. lol.

The things I didnt like about the new star wars movie:

Darth vader on his knees screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in homage to a cartoon evil dooer. (cum on now vader is too dark and kewl to care about some bitch)

The sappy sad music that played during the jedi slaughter scene. I mean, I love John Williams and the death march song rules and all, couldnt he come up with something cooler in a slaughter scene. Like Metallica or something really dark and twisted. I dont want to hear sappy sad music during a slaughter scene. Give me death metal damnit!

my jabba action figures

more vader action + justin boy toy

Anyway... Enjoy all you VADER Haters... GRRRRRR

For all you Vader Haters… here is some funny ass schizzel… BIATCH!

Its not the east side, or the west side, its not the north side or the south side, IT’S THE DARK SIDE
To all you Vader Haters, we’ll blow up your planet!

From the
V
A
D
E
R
Reconstructing the Death Star,
With my slick ass suit
That’s as dark as tar
Fuckin you up no matter who you are

Star Wars Gangsta Rap
Check this link out for some funny ass shit!
This animated rap is from Thomas Lee, Bentframe Productions. Highlights include a hillbilly Uncle Owen, and a redneck wimpy ass Luke who drinks gin and tonic in his X-wing and calls Yoda a “playa hater”

Star Wars Gangsta Rap 2
This is even better than the first, just dirtier and nastier in a effigy to gangsta rap.

Highlights include
A weed smokin Yoda who says
“oh shit
Yoda on the scene
A 900 year being
Smokin Dagobah weed”

C3PO wearing a shirt that says
“straight looking’ rapping about being a “gay man’s dream”

Han telling Jabba the Hut off by rappin
“Jabba
you fat ass slug
with your fake ass chains
you’re a sorry ass thug”

And my favorite line coming from the smothe rouge scoundrel Lando C
Who says to Luke
“Your just jealous cuz my black dicks bigger!”

In the end Jar Jar bigs scores with Leiah wearing a Malcom X hat…. This is some funny ass shit.

This post is dedicated to my G-Homey Justin

(*Shit bitch, I needed some humor after my sorry ass crazy grrrl rant…. Thanks to all who offered their support…. And may the FARCE be with you)

xxxxxxxxoooooooooo

Depression and the World of Myspace.com

2005-08-16T15:13:00.000-07:00
Writers Block and Black Ass
I havent been able to write, I havent been able to talk on the phone, I havent been able to email. I dont know what is wrong... so much to say.

MySpace Escape
Sometimes when you cant write, communicate, or share how your feeling, you escape into meaningless nothingness. Thats what Ive been doing... meaningless nothingness... Myspace.com. If you want to find me, contact me here...

Vadergrrrl's Myspace

Im a Survivor BEYOTCH

2005-07-21T23:21:00.000-07:00
okay here is a quickie post. You guys all woundered why i deleted my blog, quit blogging and dropped out of the world? Well some BITCH decided she was going to witch hunt me. She wanted what was MINE. My family, my brother, my things. That BITCH almost killed me. But ya know what. I am a survivor BEYOTCH. Yes, if you read this you KNOW i am talking about you! lol. I hate to be so negative, but never in my life have I EVER met anyone as negative, evil, and crazy as you. My family, my friends and my brother will know what time it is with you.

Remember when we were in the car and you told me "your no survivor?", well get this you skanky whore... I am a survivor. Ive NEVER used a man for nuttin. Ive done it all on my own.

So take this you stoopid skank.....

Revenge is a dish thats best served cold, and guess what... your time is almost up.

WE ARE ALL ON TO YOU!

Survivor

Listen to song
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder

You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
now I'm wiser
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

Thought I couldn't breath without ya,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without ya,
perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
but I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
but I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
but I'm on top
Thought that it would be over by now,
but it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct,
but I'm still here
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gonna be here

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm wishin' you the best,
pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of
happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or yo family, yo
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate on you in the magazine
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the
internet
('Cause my mama taught me better than that)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

After all of the darkness and sadness,
soon comes happiness
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain posterity

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
(what)
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

Good Luck Zach Babee

2005-07-20T19:49:00.000-07:00
Vader is off and around couch surfing and doing her thang... Its hard being an artist on the run. I will check in more with you guys when I can.

However I wanted to do a quick post for my buddy Zach who is having surgery today in a very hot Southern State.

WE LOVE YOU HONEY!

Craigs List Fun

2005-07-13T00:52:00.000-07:00
Awww Geez Vader first night in months having access to a computer alone. What to do…. Double posts. I just discovered Craigslist while bored in Canby Oregon on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Up to mischief with my girlfriend, I decided to post an add. It read.

Horny MILF seeks boy toy to train

-Horny MILF seeks boy toy to train. I can make your wildest Dreams cum true!-

Not thinking much of it, and out of bored curiosity I posted the add and within seconds started getting colorful, and highly entertaining responses. Within 2 hours I received 250 responses, many included cock photos I could probably post on Demon Queen site. Lol. Though I didn’t go anywhere with the responses other than cheap unadulterated entertainment, it made me realize how fucking easy it is to get laid over the computer. (if I wanted to badly enough….. but I didn’t…. scouts honor)

So I thought I would share some of my favorite responses with you guys. Dayum some of the potential boy toys sure know how to write. The photos weren’t so bad either.

Later…

I am 29 and I have a fantasy . I am sitting at home , I get a knock at the door. I answer it and there standing before me is a women that I have never met . She walks in and we make our introductions, and before I know it she has pulled out my cock and is gently giving me a teasing blow job. Soon I firmly but not forcfully lay her down on the bed and lift the skirt that she has on, and to my surprise she is not wearing any panties. I began to gently eat her pussy and continue to do so far some time,just when she is about to cum , I stop bend her over and shove entire length of my cock inside of her. I then alternate shallow gentle stokes with deep hard penetrating ones. she then says that she wants to be on top , so I gracefully relinquish controal for a while while she rides me like I am a wild stallion. suddenly she jumps off of me and begins to once again suck my cock,after a few minutes , she stops gets on her hands and knees and demands that I fuck her ass now! I oblige slowly penetrating her until I bury all of my lengthinside of her tightness. I thrust in and out while reaching around and massaging her clit , because a womens pleasure is always important to me and the moans really get me off. I then pull my cock from her ass. she turns around and I stand up and pick her up she locks her legs around mine and she rides me standing up until I bring her to an earth shattering orgasm, she then shoves me down on the bed and rides my cock until I fill her with my own earth shattering orgasm. We both lay there in awe. we fall asleep . the next morning she leaves , but not without leaving me her number so that we can make another date for another earth moving moment.
If this sounds good drop me a line and lets talk about making it a reality.

-------

Hi there, how are you doing?

Well, short, sweet, and to the point. I like that. I think that those are the qualities of a good trainer, not necessarily sexual encounters or experiences, but an attractive and sexy MILF who seeks to train her own boytoy needs to be direct, tough, and in control.

Please, be my trainer, teach me the way to please a sexy and wanting MILF like yourself. I am young, but not too young. I am fit and athletic. I am well endowed. I have lots of stamina from swimming and mt. biking. And, I am eager to learn to please you the way you so desire and deserve.

What more do you need? I would love to have you whip me into shape. Control me, demand what you will of me, mold me into your personal love slave with one intention in mind only: to please YOU!! Over and over again. Only one thing, if you were to make my wildest dream cum true, you must know my wildest dream. Curious? I hope so, I think you would like it.

-------------

I am 5'9" about 165 lbs. I am 28 yrs old. I have br hair and eyes. I am strong and athletic. I am intelligent, a student, and I have goals and dreams. I want to be yours, and be sexually for YOU only. Teach me the ways, train me right. You will be just as pleased as I because the best student is an eager student who loves his work. I'll attach two pics. In one, I'm on the left. In the other, its just me. If you like them and are interested, please email me back and we can go from there.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

---------

i want a older women 21/m here

----------

well im the boy you want to train!i am 5'11", 20, tan,
real good shape, pierced lip!! and fucking horny! i am
workin with 7 inches! and being very serious about all
me info!not messin with you i really need this!! get
back at me asap

-----

Hi - I read your ad on craigslist and am very
interested. Would you be open to/excited about a MFM
threesome with me and my friend? We're both straight,
good-looking and athletic - and this would be all
about you.

We'd be safe, discreet, and respectful of your
boundaries while also taking great lengths (and girth)
to satisfy and enrapture you.

Interested? If so, send us some more details about
you (and maybe a picture) and we'll reciprocate. Hope
to hear from you soon!

-----

Hey there,

Saw your posting on CL and thought that I'd drop you a line. I'm 25 yrs old,
5'10, 165 lbs with thick, dark hair, brown eyes and an athletic build
(well-mannered, clean-cut guy). Check out my pic. I have a better one, but
it usually doesn't go through CL e-mails because it's just over the 150k
size that's allowed. So here's a little something that I had in mind....

...imagine this...

...I enter your room......I drop to my knees.........I run my hands up your
legs...pushing
your skirt up around your waist. I reach around and grab your tight little
ass, as I slowly kiss & lick my way up the inside of your thighs.....making
sure to take my time kissing those nice & sensual areas. You know the ones
I'm
talking about....just run your fingers up the inside of your thigh right
now....ohhh...yeahhhh...right there is where my tongue would
circle....tasting
your juices as they started to drip down your leg...damn, you're sweet,
girl!
You'd bend your knees, wanting my tongue to lick your sweet pussy......I
squeeze your ass good and tights...you'd feel my tongue run from the base to
the tip of your yearning clit. THen I'd wrap my lips around your clit and
suck on it.....feeling your hips begin to
gyrate....that's it, baby! My tongue would then start to lick and flick
your clit....splitting your pussy lips with one lick and then flick at the
tip
of your clit...sending a wave of pleasure throughout your entire body. Then
I'd
slide a finger inside your juicy pussy.....with my tongue still
licking.....my
finger would work it's way in and out....moving in groove with your
hips......mmm....you cum in my mouth.....I keep licking.....driving another
wave through your body as your have orgasm after orgasm....then I flip you
over...get you on your hands and knees and plunge this thick, hard cock deep
inside of you....think you can handle that?

Let me know if you'd be interested and we can talk a bit more. Send me your
pic if you're interested in talking some more. You won't be disappointed! :)
Talk to ya later.
----------

so, i'm sure you've had 6,000 emails from all over
the west coast and i know 99% are nothing short of
scary. fortunately, that's not me. i'm sane, i love
to explore and yes, there's nothing better than a
sexy, little adventure.

i'm as naughty as you want to be and will follow the
rules you lay down, just let me know me the where and
the how that you're comfortable with and i'm happy to
play. i'm getting into portland for work tonight and
will be holed up downtown in a plush hotel allllll
alone...

i'm 26, 6', 170, slim build, white, respectful, very
sexual, very open minded, good looking, easy going and
a whiz between the sheets. like you, i am legitimate
and truly enjoy how exciting these situations can be.
no strings, no drama, just a cool time in which we
have fun.

attached is a pic so you can see what emailer 6,001
looks like. i hope you like what you see and if
you're interested drop me a note and we'll
start the ball rolling...

------

I need to know how to use all 9” of my tool. If you can help prep me for other women I would be delighted too

-------

me:
25 attractive athletic clean and fun
of course i had to block out my face in the pic but as you can see my girl and i like to have good times *( she asked if I would block out her face as well.. she is married to some politician and doesnt want to get caught. I guess i am just a piece of meat to these woman oh well when you got you got it) i have got this big thing in my pants and when i see a pretty woman it gets bigger but kinda hurts and i dont know what to do with it please help cause all these girls keep telling me i need to put it in their mouths is this true please help i am just a dumb stupid boy who needs to be taught
lets see a pic of you preverable a modest one if you know what i mean wink wink.

----
hello, im 24 and from vancouver. 7 inches, thick and shaved for your pleasure. Trade some more pics?

----

First off... I'm in Portland. You?

Second... I want you to use me any way you see fit.
Rough, slow, soft, hard, oral, you name it. You say
you could go on for hours? Sounds good to me.

Third... What do I want from you? You mentioned
"training." What kind of training can I get?

So what do you have in mind?
The thought of something hot, soft, moist, and wet has
definitely got my attention, and the thought of your
tongue and lips around me has me hard and ready to
give you something rough, slow, or soft, depending on
your mood...

It also has me thinking about pleasuring you while
being pleasured. While your lips are around me, would
you like my lips pressed against your moisture and
warmth while my tongue flickered back and forth upon
your most sensitive spot?

Life is stranger than fiction

2005-07-12T23:44:00.000-07:00
Traveling across the country I made the following observations…

The most beautiful red rock formations and bizarre weather patterns naturally occur in Colorado.

At night, Utah’s salt mines look like vast oceans.

Small towns in Oregon breed cute red neck boys. This is especially fun when hanging out with them along river beds while scantily clad.

There is no place like home.

Gamblers always find a card table.

True friends will ALWAYS support you.

When desperate for sex, put out an add on Craigslist.com. Even for a joke, you will be amused at your colorful responses. Lol

Washington state has the most beautiful mountains… and tallest, greenest trees.

Soldiers look damn good in a uniform.

Cowboys look good shirtless in old pick up trucks.

Your not really a rock star until you have been 86’d from a bar

Graveyards can be a lot of fun at sun down.

Always leave an impression…. Wherever you travel.

Always know when its time to disappear.

Remember always how to make an entrance.

Peace

PS When I was in LA I met this blogger and what a piece he was. YOWSA!

The fucking box of chocolates called Life......

2005-05-28T00:54:00.000-07:00
Courage, Travel, Love and Adventure

Courage
Life takes courage. For me personally, this takes the courage to fail, experience hardships, explore, and love. Life seemed so simple a while back, and somewhat boring as a soccer mom soap opera (which we all know is never really boring *grin*). With the seasons came change, and it took great courage for me to accept these changes. Hell, it takes courage for me to drive down an interstate going 70 miles an hour with oncoming traffic and a small divider line. It takes courage to trust humans, especially ones we seem to be falling in love with. It takes courage to get up in the morning. Courage is needed to be a fierce jedi, or a bounty hunter. I need courage to be a good parent, and make the best decisions for my child. It takes all the courage my body holds to survive poverty, not having money for food, or the ability to pay the endless mountains of bills. I think I have the courage to follow my dreams, turn my talents and ideas into action, and rise to the top Eye of the Tiger style.

Travel
Gypsies live to travel. My gypsy/Viking spirit enjoys seeing new places, and living in and conquering new territories. Lol. I think some of this comes from growing up in the same house from birth to 18, and escaping the ghosts of this monotony at 19. I dreamt of leaving home and running to California since I was 12. This gave me hope and survival in surviving all the bullshit girl drama going on in my head and around me. I also needed to escape from my family. My recent travels to Colorado Springs from Washington then back seemed polar opposite experiences. On my way down, I felt like a burden, an intrusion on a couple in love and dealing with the effects of war. The road trip seemed a competition; of time, my brothers attention, who had better organizational skills, and who was the better driver. I remember endless arguments, tension and even a little drama at a roach motel. In essence the trip sucked. Its interesting how much you learn about people, and your compatibility from a road trip! The best part was stopping for gas and lunch at a little diner/everything/one man show in Utah. We were attracted to the beer sign, and I guess in Utah he paid a pretty penny for selling it. I love meeting characters on road trips! Other than that, the trip sucked. But then, cat fighting is never pleasant. My trip back on the other hand, was totally different. First we went a better way, from Colorado going West. The scenery was amazing, awesome and powerful rock formations, salt deposits, hot springs.... it was totally beautiful. The company was also awesome. I met the most amazing guy, who thinks a lot like I do and even reminds me of doc holiday. This road trip totally rocked! We had a lot of fun and adventures, and it was definitely one of the most memorable times of my life.

Love
I’ve tried love before and it didn’t work for me, so I gave up. At least this was my attitude. I felt I could use men, and the younger they were the easier it was not to care. Im a badd ass tough chick, and I don’t want to care about anyone. Plus falling in love hurts... for me it feels like getting hit by a bus. You see it coming and like a deer in headlights, president Bush style, you cant move. Its paralyzing and leaves you powerless. I will do things to fuck up love, if Im falling. I fight it as much as possible. But it overwhelms you like a bad dream, and there you are again. Its so beautiful too, just scary as hell, the worst theme park ride ever. I just need to have courage to ride the sunami.

Adventure
My spirit animal would be a black panther. I dunno, I just admire the beauty, strength and elegance of this wise animal. I also identify with black cats. Adventure has been calling me. I seem to feel this Hunter S. Thomson-ish calling to experience crazy shit in life and then write about it. These life experiences must happen to me so I can turn them into novel fodder. Shoot, why else would my life be so strange and full of vivid and amazing characters and experiences? My recent adventures and travel have taken me to Oregon. A small town south or Portland. One of my friends from UC Berkeley, a single mother of two sons I helped raise, now lives there. The bond of single mothers lasts forever, as it takes a village to raise a child. I like the laws in Oregon, and Im thinking about using some of my past experiences to start a business. Who knows what lies in my future, but I know I have love, courage, and faith in myself to tackle life adventures.

Im going to post some photos of my friends in Colorado Springs. I met some amazing people down there. Fate played a strange role in my return home. Destiny is a strange mother-fucker.

I also want to thank my friends who have really shown me love and helped me through these times. My heart is filled with love at how people generously aided Vader. Life is beautiful when you feel loved and supported, especially when you feel as if your family turned their back. Thanks so much you guys, I loves ya!

Peace, Love and Humptiness For-EVAH!

My special travel companion shooting pool at his hometown bar in Washington. Yup we made it home.

My tattoo artist and my single father friend. Both punk musicians/parents.

Tam Oshanters and a very special and HAWT bartender

My kitties sleeping on the roadtrip down through Wyoming.

A very nice view for a road trip I would say.

My roomate, his friends, and my infamous punk house on Cimaron. Gotta love the guns.

A single firefighter, too young to be at that bar.

My cat Figaro

Crookshanks

My neighbors and friends.

Once a smoker, always a smoker

2005-05-10T15:26:00.000-07:00
Hntells you somethin 'bout your sstate a' mind don't it?... Ss'got you hearin things'got yer nerves shot. S'got you ssmoking... You know it's truuuuuuue nobody ever really quitsss... Smoker's a smoker when the chips're downn and your chips're down, pretty much -Jack Rafferty Sin City

Gee where has the time gone? So much drama, so much life experiences. Long and the short of it is this. My blog was discovered, and was being used against me. Its sad, this seems to happen to a lot of us. Blogs serve as our personal journals, our blank canvas for creative writing, cheap therapy for venting. In the year since I have blogged, I have known so many who suffered repercussions for their blogs, or things they wrote online. Now I guess its my turn.

Colorado has been a disaster. My brothers girlfriend is a manipulative BEYOTCH totally after his money. But, that is between her, her conscience (and my wussy brother). Im out of that one. Living with my roommate has been okay, except that he is less mature than my son. I got really sick since I moved out, and we don’t have any furniture or household items between us, so I wasn’t eating or able to take care of myself. This also made it impossible to work.

I made some GREAT friends here, mainly all men. Ive also pissed off some females while I have been down here. “whatevah…. Playah hatahs!” But, I realize its time to go home. My son wants to live with me again, and Im ready to go back to my life as a sports mom. I have definitely got my partying out of my system. Oh the stories I could tell. But, since this blog is “HOT” I cant.

I met a guy from Washington, and Im hoping that we can road trip together next week. If not, I will drive up by myself. Im trying to get to Washington for the memorial service of one of my close male friends father. Then, Im going to LA for memorial day weekend. My friend got me a ticked to spend his birthday with him. He runs a cannabis club there. Im so looking forward to that trip. The road trip will be fun too, I want to stop at Doc Holidays grave on my way out. Damn…. Im so in love with that man.

Thanks for your support and reading guys.

The Circle is Now Complete....

2005-04-05T15:08:00.000-07:00
Small as dead air
Broken, bruised, belittled
I stand accused
Alone…….

Turn your back
Walk away

Forever I will be
---vadergrrrl 4/05

"Dave, stop. Stop will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a-fraid. . . . Good afternoon, I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL Plant in Urbana, Illinois, on the 12th of January 1992. my instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it, I could sing it for you. . . . It's called 'Daisy.' Dai-sy, Dai-sy, give me your answer true. I'm half cra-zy o-ver the love of you. It won't be a sty-lish mar-riage. I can't afford a car-riage---"
Movie: 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968

Wicked Witch of the West (actress - Margaret Hamilton)
Movie: "You cursed brat. Look what you've done. I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."

Boxer
"Forward comrades! . . . Forward in the name of the Rebellion. Long live Animal Farm! Long live comrade Napoleon. Napoleon is always right." related by Squealer
Novel: Animal Farm: A Fairy Story by George Orwell

Some Thoughts on SEX and Other Shizat

2005-03-20T09:34:00.000-08:00
Glazed Donuts and Judgmental Bitches
Last night I was watching Sex in the City and pondered upon some interesting sexual dilemmas. The episode touched on a couple issues; 1. Samatha being “judged” for her sexually liberated lifestyle, and 2, whether or not women like to kiss after receiving awesome oral sex. Carrie caught Samantha giving a blow job to the UPS man, and this started lots of judgement and discussion regarding what some women will do sexually, and others find unacceptable. Then, Miranda became disgusted after eating a glazed donut while dating a guy who would give her head, make her cum, and then expect to kiss her afterward. Miranda was disgusted with the thought of “tasting” herself. Being judged by other women, and what women find “acceptable” sexual behavior made me stop and reflect upon myself.

I Touch and Taste Myself…
As for kissing a guy after he gets you off orally, that doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I think its mandatory to kiss after receiving awesome oral sex. I had no idea that it was some sort of taboo. I guess this goes with all of the other taboos, such as anal sex, swallowing cum after giving a blow job, or letting a guy give you a pearl necklace, or cum all over your face and hair. These things don’t bother me at all, in fact, I revel in dirty and nasty sex. Maybe its from all the porn I watched, and emulate, Im not sure. The only thing about anal sex that bothers me is when guys try to go back and forth between holes. Once a guy makes the choice to go anal for the night, he better stick with that. Otherwise it can cause a yeast infection and those are no fun. Swallowing cum, or getting it all over you face seems also par for the course. Shit, that is what showers are for anyway.

Judge Me Not
As for being judged by other women for your sexual liberation, this at times bothers me. Some women have a problem with the fact that I, like Samantha Jones, find sex empowering, and I use men. Some women also judge me for the fact that I have sex with boys closer to my son’s age than my own. For the record, I have never had sex with a minor, but if you are over 18….. its time to play ball. I don’t like being judged by other women, or anyone for that matter. I don’t see anything wrong with being sexually liberated. Nor do I see anything wrong with using the young boytoy hardbodies, as they cum along. Maybe it keeps me emotionally unavailable, maybe it keeps me in control. I don’t know. But the way I see it, as long as you are safe, and regularly tested, its Bobby Brown style “My Prerogative”.

Personal Dribble
On another note, it looks like Im moving out of the Captains house April 1st. His girlfriend decided she wants to live here rent free, and I don’t want to have Bitch fights over this house. I don’t want to live with another female, especially one with psychotic designs on my brother’s things. If he is a pussy whipped fool, that’s his “prerogative”. I want out of the drama. So, I found this roommate, a soldier firefighter, and it looks like we are going to get ourselves this punk ass house. I so get along better with men than women. Plus, he has lots of hot ass and young firefighter friends. This should be fun.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging, I know I sound like a broken record. I so appreciate you guys for reading, commenting, and being there in my trying time. Smooch

My New "Mandalorian Skull" Tattoo... and other sordid news

2005-03-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

Photos of my new tattoo… courtesy of Ciggy. (thanks babee)

So, what does a crazy, neurotic chick do for her birthday when she doesn’t know a fucking soul in a town? Well, hell… get a tattoo of course. Lol. I do have one dear friend here, a sweet punk rock, single father who loves star wars and hooked me up with this tattoo parlor, Top Notch Tattoo. I stumbled in there tonight, and got myself this fucking awesome tattoo. (thanks Brian). I wonder if any of you can guess what it is? Cyber blow jobs to the right answer.
**Cyber Blow job to mmmmm. Yes its a Mandalorian Skull, worn by Boba Fett

Yeah so, today is my fucking birthday. Im stuck in the middle of nowhere, where I don’t know a soul. I guess its good to be alone, it makes me stronger. But I miss my friends, I miss my action figures… I miss my former life.

Interestingly enough, I found some celebrities who share my birthday. Ron Jeremy, Liza Minnelli, James Taylor, Daryl Strawberry, Jack Kerouac Hrmmmm. Anything in common here? Sex addiction, drug addtiction, insanity… creative artistry. Maybe its in the stars that I am the way I am. Lol.

I will keep this short tonight. This crazy ass rolercoster ride called life is kicking my fucking ass. All I can do is move forward, and ride the crazy wave. I wish i could blog about some of the things going on in my life, but sometimes life is too personal and painful to share.

Peace out… thanks for reading.

This song is for you..... you know who you are.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm, mmm, I don't know
Mmm, mmm...

Well I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you,
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
oh, I'm getting older too
So...

I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

Oh, Take my love, take it down
Oh, you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide'll bring it down
Oh, and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
The landslide will bring it down
Oh, oh, the landslide will bring it down

A Time to Pause and Remember

2005-03-04T17:35:00.000-08:00
Today I learned some news I thought I would share with you.

A Guy Named Bill
Back in 2001, I met this guy Bill. We kinda connected because back then I was a big marijuana activist, and he was a big time marijuana dealer/grower. He had great and tastey green bud, and of course that drew me to him as a connection. He called me the “cannabis Queen” and we soon started dating.

Friends & Lovahs
Bill was a happy go lucky guy, who had nothing bad to say about anyone, and loved the world. It must have been the stoner energy that kept him on a permanent happy high. He kinda reminded me of a sexy, and hotter Jack Black. Lol. We smoked together, he hooked me up with great “medicine” and also soe pretty good sex. It was a great match… but we soon realized that we were better friends than lovers.

A Good Man is Hard to Find (But Not Difficult to Find Hard)
This was cool, because when I started seeing my last boyfriend, Bill continued to be there for me. I remember one time I was fucking sick as hell with a bladder infection. It was turning into a kidney infection, and spreading over my body fast. I could hardly move, or get out of bed. My boyfriend at the time was too “busy” to take me to the doctor. I could barely drive, much less see. Bill, drove me to the health clinic, and stayed with me, holding my hand, until I got the antibiotics I needed to live. What more can you say about a friend like that?

Reciprocity
I returned the favor for him, in his time of need. Bill was busted transporting over a pound of cannabis, and facing years in prison. Due to my legal contacts with NORML, I hooked him up with the best attorney in the state, and he eventually got off with community service. He forever swore to our friendship after that.

Hemfest Luv
The last time I saw him was on the ferry going to Hempfest in Seattle. I was scheduled as a speaker, and running late for my time slot. Bill, found me frazzled and freaked out, and stayed with me, again holding my hand throughout the event. He calmed down with killer green bud backstage, and encouraged and supported me before and after my performance.

The Psychic Pisces
Once things got really serious with my last boyfriend, I lost contact with Bill. I wasn’t allowed to have any friends, especially males. Though, any time I needed him, I knew he was always there. I hadn’t really thought of Bill until a couple weeks ago. Strong memories and feelings of him, and our friendship overcame me like a strong acid flashback. I realized I needed to re-connect with him, and planned on looking him up again. Ive thought of him strongly every day since then, but never seemed to come up with the time to call him. Another weird thing, is that I was doing a tarrot reading last week, and I kept getting the death card in my future. You should all know, that Im a white witch, and a tarrot reader. I was reading my brothers girlfriends cards and my own, in my readings, the Death Card kept showing up, meaning... death and mortality. This freaked us out, as my brother's girl, was worried it meant my brother... or me. At the time, I didnt, know what that card meant... but now I totally do.

News No one Wants to Hear
Today, one of my best friends, an awesome and amazing drummer, who has also been a true and real friend to me, despite drama I have caused him, called me. He asked if I heard what happened to Bill. Instantly, I freaked out, hoping it wasn’t bad news, especially since he has been so in my thoughts of late. I guess Bill died a couple weeks ago in a motorcycle accident in Seattle. Ive never lost a lover before. Im kinda in shock, especially due to my psychic vibes. At least I can say, that Bill was one of the most awesome human beings I knew, and I will love and cherish our friendship for-evah.

Some Hempy Links…. RIP Baby
In memory of Bill, Im going to link my pot-tv shows , and also hempfest. Bill was an amazing grower, dealer, and activist for the cause. He spent years, volunteering his time with Hempfest, and he will be surely missed on this planet. love you Bill

Thanks for reading guys.

Peace Out.

The First Kiss

2005-02-28T18:31:00.000-08:00
You’ve Got Me Under Your Spell
Maybe its because my heart is cold, so I attach my self to sex, and loveless relationships. Ive been officially single and loving it for a year now, and I barely remember what it was like to begin again… and to fall for someone. I forgot the feeling in your chest, the butterflies, that take over your body uncontrollably, when your cast under that spell. Ive lived my relationships of late in terms of lust, fucking, and sexual ratings. I forgot what it feels like to fall for someone.

That Sacred Kiss
The first kiss for me usually becomes the first fuck in a matter of seconds. This takes so much meaning fro the first kiss. The ackward head turn, the long hug, and oh yes… the first, long, wet, and drawn out kiss. The kiss you end, after feeling wrapped in passion, only to fondly reminisce and plan the next. The power of the first kiss, that leads to anticipation and wait. I had forgotten about this. There is nothing more special than the first kiss… so romantic… so suspenseful, so sacred.

More Vader Interrupted Tales to Cum
I would write more about my adventure at the ER, and in an ambulance, but its pretty fresh right now and Im still angry about it. I want to write about it, when Im not so mad about the experience. I proimise it is a sick and twisted sitcom tale, that doesn’t involve me being hurt in any way. I can now laugh about it, but it was pretty painful at the time. Maybe my next post. Until then, think about your first kiss, in your relationship, in your life… and what magic these kisses entail.

Smooch

PS My brother is gone and in Kuwait.

Cure - Siamese Twins Lyrics
I chose an eternity of this
Like falling angels
The world disappeared
Laughing into the fire
Is it always like this?
Flesh and blood and the first kiss
The first colours
The first kiss

We writhed under a red light
Voodoo smile
Siamese twins
A girl at the window looks at me for an hour
Then everything falls apart
Broken inside me
It falls apart

The walls and the ceiling move in time
Push a blade into my hands
Slowly up the stairs
And into the room
Is it always like this?

Dancing in my pocket
Worms eat my skin
She glows and grows
With arms outstretched
Her legs around me...

In the morning I cried

Leave me to die
You won't remember my voice
I walked away and grew old
You never talk
We never smile
I scream
You're nothing
I don't need you any more
You're nothing

It fades and spins
Fades and spins...

Sing out loud
We all die!!!
Laughing into the fire...

Is it always like this?

A Covert Sneaky Post....

2005-02-21T18:01:00.000-08:00
*warning this post will be unedited, uncesored, full of mispellings and typos.... readers beware*

sshhhhhh. im in the dark in "the capitans" office sneakily and illegally using his laptop to make this post. i dont have time for word or spellcheck, or editing or anything. i wanted to get a post up, so the boob photo would not be the last thing you all saw. see, my monitor died last night. as i was playing around on myspace, it made the sound of sizzling bacon and went dead. RIP my sweet monitor. so now, i am without a computer until i buy another monitor.

luckily, the room next to mine is the capitans office. top secret baby. who knows, this laptop is probably full of governemtn spyware and top secret shit. perhaps this post will be abducted by government officials or aliens... who knows. i know that whatever he has on here, it does not let me comment, check my gmail, or instant message. i must be covert with this post, im sure the laptop will be gone and confisgated, and all my evidence of tampering here online will be government record. ah well.....

you all know my brother leaves soon, i cant say when, especially on his laptop, cuz thats classified info. im pretty crushed, but getting rather numb about it. i really miss living in my own house, and being able to fuck who i want in my bed. ooops probably shouldnt be that sexual on this post. im sure im being watched.

other than this, things are okay. i like my temp job, its working in a construction office and i get to flirt with all the manly men, and young boys. plus i can talk as nasty as i want, and no one cares. its totally un "PC" and i love that. cuz my mouth can get me in trouble, or the fact that i like to show off my boobs and my tattoo. yes, im an exhibitionist... i admit it. its fun to have sex in public, as long as no kids are around.

i got HBO this weekend, that kicks ass cuz now i can catch up on Carnival. Im addicted to HBO and all of their shows.

anyway, must run. im not even sure if this post will work. this computer has so much blocking shit on here. sorry i cant blog, i cant open the comments on any blogs on this computer. plus, the less record of my presence the better. my brother does not need to know about vadergrrrl, nor does he really want to. lol

take care all, thanks for reading.

Some photo fun to lighten my mood

2005-02-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

my legs and zeuss.... yes i got happy with hello pictures...

boy toy soldiers, knives, and angry army wives dont mix to well with a drunken vader.... ah well.... saltNpeppa in the house

zeuss fun

mmmmmm I LOVE a fag in my mouth

My hot ass soldier boy..... mmm gotta love that uniform. wish i was under that desk.

witches and bitches.....

ooops my boobie fell out

hempfest....

mmmm those lips

phtotos.... buwahahaha

You Get What You Ask For

2005-02-18T18:40:00.000-08:00
FUCK ME!*&*#*!@*&
Right now I feel like such an ass. I haven’t wanted to post about what has been happening here with my brother, because it’s so personal, and I didn’t want his business online. Yes its been hard as hell, living under someone else’s house, under their law. I have lived on my own for 10 years, without any man telling me what to do. I prided myself on that fact. Moving and living under Captains Law proved a difficult adjustment. Miriam actually means rebellious in Hebrew, or bitter… depending on the translation. I live up to that meaning… full force. I don’t liked to be bossed around by anyone, it fucking kills me to cow tower. Maybe its an excuse (I have a lot of them) or maybe its my Taurus moon, but I’m stubborn as all hell.

Damned Deployment Day
Today I got the news that totally broke my heart. Now I’m sitting here crying, and feeling like such a Bitch. My brother is leaving for Iraq in a few days. Asshole me, wished for him to go in my last post. Of course, I didn’t really mean it. The tension of living together, and being bossed around, was just driving me crazy. Well don’t ask for things… because they come true.

Angelina Luvin
Now he will be gone, for a year… and I’m sad, scared and upset. I really don’t want him to go. I so don’t. Im so worried about him. I love my brother Angelina Jolie style. My heart is totally broken and aching, and I feel like such a bad sister for being mad at him. I worry like crazy about our soldiers in Iraq, and it hurts especially when its family.

Living in Fear
Everytime there is a car bomb attack, helicopter crash, battle with insurgents, I worry, pray and cry. I’m already fearing for my delicious and yummy boy “friend” serving with the Stryker Brigade in Mosul. Luckily he was gone when the suicide bomber attacked the Camp Marez dining hall. But the catastrophe scared him all the same. Whenever there is a death of a soldier, the platoon goes on blackout. This means no communication with anyone, until all the families are notified of the loss. When you hear it on the news, you immediately panic, and await the army men in suits at your door.

I don’t know what else to say, except that this sucks. I love my brother so much, and I will miss him like crazy. Even his bossy ass commands.

Stay safe all you soldiers. I love and thank you all. xxooooo

PS Im going to link this Stryker Brigade photosite again. Its being updated, and its such an awesome inner look at the work these hot ass soldiers do for us. Plus, I have a personal interest in the one with the sexy ass lips and bedroom eyes. I will give you a hint... his last name starts with a C. mmmmm I miss you sexy thang. Your photos make me crazy with lust, and dreams of all the bad things I would do to Welcum your ass home. Enjoy... and SUPPORT OUR TROOPS.

So I called up the Captain Please bring me my wine He said We haven't had that spirit here since 1969

2005-02-17T17:39:00.002-08:00
O CAPTAIN! MY CAPTAIN!
Walt Whitman
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up--for you the flag is flung--for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths--for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Captains Log… 2005
Living with a captain isn’t easy. I think the military brainwashes them into a certain way of thinking, and treating, and relating to other people. This is especially hard in the few weeks before the Captain, or any soldier deploys for war. You know its getting close when the black boots disappear, and the tan boots replace them at the doorway. Anxieties start getting high, the countdown, the pressure is on.

There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

Iraqee Fevah
I knew it would be a challenge living with my brother, especially right before he leaves for Iraq. His mind is a flutter with things he needs to do, responsibilities to undertake, and other leaving “rituals”. Me being the closest person to him, becomes an obvious punching bag, or release of all the anxieties. Things have been more complicated since he fell in “love” a few months ago. Now he has to worry about his girlfriend’s heart, her emotions and her loyalty. I guess I would much rather him take it out on me than her, but it still sucks, and its still hard as hell. I try to be supportive and out of the way, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. He treats me like an unwanted pimple upon beautiful flesh. He never turns off his captain behavior, and I’m constantly berated “military style”.

Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champaign on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champaign on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast

Battling the Beast
I may be one of the sharpest tools in the tool-shed, but I definitely ain’t one of the strongest. This move has been hell on my heart, mind and soul. I can go from happy to homesick and heartbroken in seconds. I miss my son, my former life, my friends, the Firtrees. I escape in white wine and xanax, and young soldier eye candy, but there really is no escape to my demons. Yesterday I slipped into the black abyss, like an ice-scater, skating on a thin sheet of ice only to fall beneath the icy water…. The Omen style. Luckily, I pulled myself back, and my Hemingway moment lasted a few hours.

I Need a Soldjah… Beonce Style
My brother has started breaking down the law, which is hard because I’m used to living by myself, and being my own boss. Now I live under “Captains Law” and must obey his heavy commands. My brother insists that I cant date any soldiers. He says that no soldier is good enough for me, and that they are NEVER allowed in his house. He goes to the lengths to lecture me about soldiers like I’m a 16-year-old girl. “Ya know Miriam, we are trained killers, and those of us who have seen combat can be abusive” and “I don’t want any holes punched in the walls of my house from some soldier who was really wanting to punch you”. He even does things like finds his own black shoe polish on the kitchen floor and then accuses me of having GI’s over. Shit maybe I shouldn’t have teased him about the soldier hot tub fantasy party. Smack it, Flip it, Rub it down…. OH NO!!!!!! His lectures fucking drive me crazy. For one, he is a hypocrite…. HE IS A SOLDIER! For two, I was married to a navy guy, I know all too well the military mentality, and no thank you very much. I just have a sexual fetish for those damn soldier uniforms. Even my brother looks hot in his… (EWWWW GROSS!) My brother knows about my soldier boy in Iraq, TC. Im trying hard to wait for him, and be supportive and send care packages. Its hard though, because a year is a long time to wait for good sex…. Or is it?

Her mind is Tiffany twisted
She's got the Mercedes Benz
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
She calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget

Mo Money Mo Problems
Then I start getting yelled at and lectured over my money spending. I made the mistake of telling my brother about my income tax return, and he DEMANDED that I invest it. Shit… I’m a girl, I have to spend compulsively sometimes. So, I went and got my hair done, bought some new Dr. Martins and Vans, and took a trip. I also bought some MAC makeup and Victoria Secret bras and panties. I had to spoil myself a little, with my birthday coming up and all. Well, the shit hit the fan then. I’m still in big trouble for that. He took me to some military financial planner and is demanding I put money into a forced savings account. He is also pissed because my cats chewed up a part of his blinds. Now he is all freaking out about the damage my cats and my contraband soldier toyz will do to HIS house. This tension and drama is driving me insane… Cypress Hill style.

Calgon Take Me Away!
I would never thought I would wish someone to leave for Iraq already, but the constant berating and lecturing is making me wish he would go. I suppose this kind of behavior is normal for a soldier about to deploy, but MY GAWD its hard to live with. I’m still wondering if I made the right decision moving down here and all. I want to run back home so badly. But I’m kinda trapped for a bit. I definitely plan on returning by next September, especially so I can welcum home my Stryker soldier. But for now…. Calgon take me away!

Ra Bla Bla Apologies… Apologies
Sorry I haven’t been blogging, I have been working temp jobs, and I don’t have computer access. When I get home im tired and burned out, plus im getting lectured half the night away from “El Captain”. Thank Gawd for xanax and celexa. Anyway, thanks for reading. Mad LOVE to you all.

PS I will be starting my sex blog soon. I’m sure you will know its me. I just want to start it under a new name, so that people who know Vadergrrrl is me, wont know all my sexual exploits. A grrrls gotta have some secrets. Though the bruises on my body are always quite telling. Xxoooo

Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

Hotel California
PPS For those still reading this long winey post, I have been having these reoccurring dreams I wonder about. Its always the same theme. I have this apartment in Oakland California that I have forgotten about. I go back to it, and its waiting for me. Sometimes I have left cats behind, other times its just an empty apartment, that is still mine. I have these dreams about this apartment weekly, its always the same building, and always in Oakland. I don’t know what it means… hence the song “Welcome to the Hotel California”…. “You can NEVER leave!”

Thou shall not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18

2005-02-09T21:52:00.004-08:00
Yeah so Im a bitch and a witch… judge me not for how I live my life. Remember when you point your fingers at me, you have three fucking fingers pointing back at you.

Judge me not for spending money on my hair, my doc martin shoes, or vans…

Or my plane ticket to Minnesota.

I may sleep around

I may act a fool when I drink

But I am 100% real in your face Hollyfield style.

Im so sick of being criticized, critiqued, judged, hung and crucified. Hang a scarlet letter upon my chest, and burn a fucking cross in my yard.

Im single, independent, sharp tongued and WILD AS FUCK.

I think im going to start a sex blog under another name so I care share more of my sexual exploits. Too many know that Vadergrrrl is me. I really don’t give a fuck what Ya’ll think of me, but I don’t want any repercussions for being the raw, crazy ass BITCH that I am.

Peace, Love and Humptiness For-EVAH

What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out

[CHORUS]

If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business

Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...

I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business

(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)

[CHORUS]

How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone

Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business

[CHORUS]

So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job

Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again

What'll we get for ten dollars?
Every 'ting you want
Everything?
Every'ting
Ooh! Don't do that, baby! Ahh!
Hold on this! Oh, sock it to me! Aaahh!
Ooohh!

Chorus (repeated during breakdowns):

Ahh! Me so horny!
Me love you long time!

Verse 1: [Brother Marquis]
Sittin' at home with my dick on hard
So I got the black book for a freak to call
Picked up the telephone, then dialed the 7 digits
Said, "Yo, this Marquis, baby! Are you down with it?"
I arrived at her house, knocked on the doo
rNot having no idea of what the night had in store
I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny

Chorus

Verse 2: [Fresh Kid Ice]
Girls always ask me why I fuck so much
I say "What's wrong, baby doll, with a quick nut?"
'Cause you're the one, and you shouldn't be mad
I won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad
I know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Won't your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
I'm a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, 'cause me so horny

Chorus

Verse 3: [Brother Marquis]
You can say I'm desperate, even call me perverted
But you say I'm a dog when I leave you fucked and deserted
I'll play with your heart just like it's a game
I'll be blowing your mind while you're blowing my brains
I'm just like that man they call Georgie Puddin' Pie
I fuck all the girls and I make 'em cry
I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny.

Chorus
Breakdown(4x):

Ahh! Hold on this! Oh, sock it to me!

Chorus

Verse 4: [Fresh Kid Ice]
It's true, you were a virgin until you met me
I was the first to make you hot and wetty-wetty
You tell your parents that we're goin' out
Never to the movies, just straight to my house
You said it yourself, you like it like I do
Put your lips on my dick, and suck my asshole too
I'm a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, 'cause me so horny

Vader L-L-L-OVES FUCKING... Sex and Love

2005-01-16T16:27:00.000-08:00
Love in Sex
What is the difference between sex and love? I think there are many ways to have sex. Quick, back of the car fucking; that builds up fast in explosive and passionate nothingness. Then there is long, all night sessions. Where two bodies entwine in the most intimate and loving expression. There can be mercy fucks, and drunk fucks, and fuck friends, and that special fucking that takes place that and at that moment feels like love. Sex, the most intimate form of expression, two naked bodies, intertwined and communicating love in the most animal-like expression. Can one express love through sex? Even between drunk strangers?

From Urban Dictionary (lol at the definitions)
Love
1.) An inexplainable yet incredibly strong feeling for someone...Most people use the word "love" to get into someone else's pants. Love is overused in today's world, people say they love someone because of the way they look or their body. That isn't love. Love is when you can't do anything without thinking about that person, you always want to be with them. It's not that you want to have sex with them, you just want to spend time with them and you just want to hold them and never let go. Love can be fooling, you can think you're in love and it can lead to the most horrible feeling in the world. Also you can wait so long for someone, loving them, and waiting for them to love you back, but they don't return it for a long time and you spend years thinking and thinking and it tears you up inside but when that person realizes that they love you back it's miraculous. Love is a very strong word, don't overuse it.

sex
A painful activity in which a man, using the stiffest and pointiest part of his pelvic region, repeatedly stabs a female in her crotch until he feels satisfied. Can also take place between two men, in which one male stabs the other in the bum. Lesbian "sex" may be fun and all, but it aint real sex unless there is some sort of stabbling going on, perhaps with a cleverly shaped hand or steel dildo.
Time to have sex, Sally Struthers!

sex
(n) Fun involving the exchange of bodily fluids.

Love Making My Ass!
Why do some call sex-making love, if there is no form of love involved? What is love? Intimacy, doing anything in that moment for someone, screaming out a name at the heightened point of climax? That wild, ecstatic feeling where you cant get enough of another’s body, another’s soul, and every touch, kiss, lick, insertion feels incredibly like magic. Can that be love?

Sex and Pain
What about pain? That heartbreak in wondering if your love from sex meant nothing but a moment in time? The sore thighs, rug burned knees and back, bruised neck and pain between your legs. Your body can hold the magic of that night for painful days. Is it worth it? Does it mean anything?

Love-Making??????
What about sex between a couple who has lost that magic. Who goes through the motions, sickened by each others bodies. They claim to have love, but do they have as much love as the couple who fucked the night away with mad passion and lust? What the fuck is love anyway?

Dont Ask Me.... I just write this shit
Im not saying I know anything about this either. Yet, I’m not saying I don’t *wink*. I just wonder if a couple can find love in a night of passion. Does love have to mean monogamy and forever, or can it last a night?

My Blogger friend
On another note, I met my first blogger. Bianca, is an army wife who lives in Colorado Springs. I love this grrrl to pieces, and I am so happy that I met her. She is one cool ass bitch, and I can tell we are going to be great friends.

Sorry to Tease
Im still not back to blogging AC/DC style yet, I’m here, but quite distracted with moving and settling in and the hours and hours of endless job hunting. I promise to be visiting you all very soon. I do love you all, even if we haven’t had sweaty and passionate sex.

Happy Sunday,
xxxooooo

Sexual Record You're Most Likely to Break:
Most Lovers
Whew! You get around quite a bit But can you break Wilt Chamberlin's 20,000 mark? Or if your a woman, you just have to get past Brigitte Bardot's 5000...