"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"
Monday, January 05, 2009
When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go.
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
-J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..
Susanna: [reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."
Lisa: I like that.
Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed."
Susanna: Well that's me.
Lisa: That's everybody.
A man can be destroyed but not defeated. -Ernest Hemingway
So I say Im going Hemmingway, or the Holidaze make me experience the Catcher in the Rye follies. I dream Sylvia Plath and David Gahan. This irritates my Fibromyalgia, a funny diagnosis for nothing really but SICK AS HELL FROM STRESS OF LIFE. A viscous cycle, sick and tired of being sick and tired and then depressed from being too sick and then sick from being depressed. Down the rabbit hole. Go ask Alice. All that fun sick and twisted Mad Hatter Hookahsville.
I Hate Myself and I Want To Die
Its in these times when I obsess on Papa H, Holden Caulfield, Kurt, Freddie, Sylvia and Anne Sexton. Bukowski. James Taylor. Its funny, you think EVERYONE has read The Catcher in the Rye. I guess its just us freaks that identify with it so.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Green Day - Who Wrote Holden Caulfield
If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it.
One of my favorite movies in the world is One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. I even made a fan myspace for Nurse Ratched. It bothers me to no end that Frances Farmer was lobotamized for not minding her mother, or acting out of the "womanly sphere". Or even that Sylvia Plath had electroshock therapy. Mental health treatment has been barbaric to say the least. Then with involuntary commitment that went on up until 40 or so years ago. My God. The witch hunt. The Burning Times continues. My first tattoo was Starhawks pentacle (Berkeley grad) and I studied extensively the persecution of "Witches". History repeats itself over and over, in one form or another. Locking people up as "crazies". Giving them lobotomizes and forcing them to take experimental drugs. Its sickening. Especially considering this is how the ELDERLY gets treated. Its shameful. People are scared to ask for help when they are depressed so they shoot themselves in the head like Kurt Cobain. Not okay. But who can blame them. The Scarlet Letter is like being a Mutant in the Stan Lee's Xmen world. According to Senator Kelly Anyone with mental health issues are potential Dylan, Eric and Cho's. And no the war in Iraq has nothing to do with this. Oi Weigh.....
Now I think the American people deserve the right to decide if they want their children to be in school with mutants. To be taught by mutants! Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is that mutants are very real, and that they are among us. We must know who they are, and above all, what they can do! Ive been diagnosed with Major Reoccurring Depressive Disorder and Ive also have panic attacks. I take Cymbalta and love it. I think cannabis helps a lot with the panic and depression as well. Most important for myself is reading the Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama, John Kabat-Zinn and Mindfulness, DBT and meditation. Every time I do get seriously depressed, the doctors always want to push for that bipolar label. Why? So they can get me to try a new drug. The only reason they push the bipolar diagnosis is for legal "cover their butts" reasons. So they can legitimize the drugs they give you since certain drugs like Lithium or Lamictal are for bipolar, hence requiring the diagnosis. BULLSHIT. DISCRIMINATION. UNFAIR LABELING AND CATALOGING. Which I dont want to do. But I dont need to try these other medications anyways. But I also dont buy there explanation. They say because when Im creating poetry and "inspired" I have rapid or racing thoughts, so that's mania. But that only lasts a few hours or minutes. Then they say if I have trouble sleeping. Well that is only when I'm anxious about some life event. No, no way buddy. I wont take it. I know what that label will do. Its sad though, because I watch people take that label so easily. Spoon fed. One guy told me he told his employer. The last thing anyone EVER wants to do. Even your friends are your enemies. You really are like, or WE really are like the Stan Lee's Xmen, misunderstood. Feared. We are who Hitler would first put to death in the gas chambers. We are the artists, the inspired, the free spirits, the ones who challenge norms, change societal thinking, the proponents of expression. Kill them, hang them, lynch them, lobotomize them, stalk them, take their kids, imprison them, rape them... like Kurt said.......
Do you know what it feels to be spit on your face and to have trash shoved down your throat? Do you know what it feels like to dig your own grave? Do you know what it feels like to have your throat slashed from ear to ear? Do you know what it feels like to be torched alive? Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated and be impaled upon on a cross? And left to bleed to death for your amusement? You have never felt a single ounce of pain your whole life. Did you want to inject as much misery in our lives as you can just because you can?...I didn't have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run. It's not for me. For my children, for my brothers and sisters that you [fucked], I did it for them… When the time came, I did it. I had to...You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off. -Seung-Hui Cho In the spectrum of mental health issues there are some with sociopath and narcissistic traits. These are the serial killers and the abusive parents or crazies who could care less how their behavior effects the world. But they are the small percent. Most of us are artists and empaths. Most of us would only harm ourselves. Cut our own bodies, shame ourselves to death, binge drink, engage in dangerous and risky behavior, impulsive activity. We are the norm. We are the tragic artists. Only dangerous to ourselves.
“I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.” --Dave Chappelle Im extremely pissed and disgusted by the harassment of George Micheal, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Dave Chappelle Chappelle's Block Party and Michael Jackson. And this is just naming a few. Princess Dianna lived her life giving to others and ultimately was destroyed by the society that loved her. Picked apart, bit by bit. No respect for her family. The press performing armchair diagnosis on celebrities like McCarthy witch hunts and black balling. We all act out here and now. Who doesnt have vices, personal demons. For God's sake! Enough of the persecution and witch burning.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... With this war in Iraq, like the last war, and the wars before our men and women are returning home wounded heroes. Watching this Stryker footage makes me pause in sickening curiosity and sadness. Many are surviving now with body armor that would not have lived in wars before. Only they have no arms or legs. PTSD is real. Trauma not only effects our soldiers but battered women and children, survivors of urban violence, witnesses to traumatic events, car accidents. Basically most of us are effected with some sort of post traumatic stress. We need to take care of our Veterans. We need to take care of all of us. But especially now at this critical time of homecoming. PTSD directly causes Fibromyalgia. Gulf War Syndrome = Fibromyalgia. Your body is in constant stress, a constant state of alert, constant adrenaline. You are in constant fear, stress, pain. The pain is real. You are sick. You are tired. Stress makes you more sick. Soon we will have an epidemic of Fibro war heroes and we need to find a safe and positive way to enable them to good health.
"Our practice of the Dharma should be a continual effort to attain a state
beyond suffering. It should not simply be a moral activity whereby we avoid
negative ways and engage in positive ones. In our practice of the Dharma, we
seek to transcend the situation in which we all find ourselves: victims of our own mental afflictions- such as attachment, hatred, pride, greed, and so forth-are mental states that cause us to behave in ways that bring about all of our unhappiness and suffering. While working to achieve inner peace and happiness, it is helpful to think of them as our inner demons, for like demons, they can haunt us, causing nothing but misery. That state beyond such negative emotions and thoughts, beyond all sorrow, is called nirvana."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama, from 'An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life" Studying His Holiness the Dalai Lama helped me tremendously in my journey on my so called life. Ive always been sound sensitive. I hate the sound of kids, lawnmowers, cars, people talking. Basically Ive turned into the crazy cat lady, like Gladys Kravitz. Hiding behind the curtains, talking to my cats and hating the outside world. A lot of that is PTSD related, social anxiety and agoraphobia. I admit Im a freak. But my point is when I was reading the teaching of His Holiness, he offered meditation for being stressed out by noisy neighbors. He said to focus on peace inside. Belly breathing, saying the word peace. And when you have peace inside, outside noise doesn't bother you. It works. Just like finding Wise Mind versus reacting in Emotional Mind. Things I am still working on, but that help me tremendously. Its been such a gift and blessing having teachings on facebook from John and Josef. God has blessed me and I am so thankful for the knowledge.
“I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?” -- Willie Nelson. Cannabis works magic on my health, mind and spirit. Its funny that my mother is so against marijuana but will offer me a xanax in a heartbeat. She lives off of them and thinks somehow they are safer than a plant? To me its not so black and white. Benzoes have their place. But for overall maintenance and daily use, I chose the natural herb given from God. I agree with sexy sassy freedom fighter, pioneer and Godfather of Cannabis Clubs in the San Francisco, Dennis Peron "All use is medical use". But medications play an important part of my life as well. Provigil has gotten me up and out of bed, with the hole in my heart I was so tired I couldnt get up. Cymbalta is a wonderful anti-depressant. Ive been known to pass out from panic attacks and yes, I need xanax or Klonapin at that point. The key is balance. I also appreciated Ted Turner speaking out about his success with Lithium. We are a community. We are the Gifted. We are not alone. The TRUTH is out there. Live Long and Prosper. The Force Will Be With You Always. Shalom. Nanoo Nanoo. Asamalikum. Rock On. One Love. And thank you all for your friendship and support. Love and Blessings to you all. xxxooooo
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson,
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich — yes, richer than a king —
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
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