"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Friday, December 23, 2005

Girls on Film (uncut)

Now that Christmas is over I can post this. Yes I loved Wham! This was junior high and the 80's. I didnt know anything more than the fact that I thought my Motley Crue almbum would send me to hell. So I burned it. Stoopid me. However, I did fall in love with Duran Duran big time. THis was 1986 or so (whoops actually it was like 1982), so who could blame me I was young. I think Duran Duran revolutionized the video genrea, way before Michael Jackson even thought about it. I so loved watching Duran Duran on Night Flight. I would wait up just to see their videos.

So back in the day, I heard urban legends about thier "Girls on Film" video. This was locker room talk, nothing substantiated because god knows in my small town we coudlnt get our hands on anything except from the local Tower Records. So, I heard rumor that Duran Duran had a video with girl on girl action and nudity but never saw it until I was in my 20's. I still pass around my Duran Duran video collection anytime any of us have break up. Nothing better to heal the heart that John Taylor. Irregardless, if you havent seen the video here it is. Yes there is nudity, yes there is girl on girl action, and yes, Simon Lebon gets some too. I love this band. I dont care what anyone says. Fucking HAWT and I want them all.


Thank gawd christmas is over. Haleluia its raining men!

Girls On Film(uncut)

View more video clips at Yashi

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Happy Christmas

Yes! I used to like these guys. In fact, I used to love these guys. My bedroom was nothing more than a shrine to this group, including 16 mags, albums, posters covering my walls. I even got a choose life shirt because they wore in in one of their videos. Little did I know what it meant, and I wounder if they did too. I cried my eyes out when they broke up. Ahhh first love. Oh yeah, I liked the other guy Andrew Ridgely. I wounder what ever happened to him? Anyway, here is a video to lighten my spirits and yours. Happy Christmas!

Wham - Last Christmas

View more video clips at Yashi

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

(Oooh, Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special(special)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special(special)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Maybe, Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

PS I still think George Michael is one of the best songwriters. And he sure is pretty.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Holidays and HURT!

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I cant really write in a public forum anymore. Too many McCarthy Witch hunters. But if you can read between the lines and look within my posts you will know exactly how I feel... which today is hurt.


I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Your so Vain

This is for you. I think you know who you are....

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You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (so vain)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Blackass and Much Ado about Nothingness

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Strikes again
Revenge of the Bitch

Dangerous Liaisons
Reckless abandon

I cant move

Do I care?
vadergrrrl Nov 2005

Bla Bla Bla.. Gabba Gabba Hey!
Sitting home with nothing to do besides wallow in my writers block and holiday induced blackass. What to do besides try to write some fuckin poetry and then collect quotes from those who inspire me. Yeah Im a whore for quotes. I like posting on my Wickedly Insane Brilliant People Myspace group because I feel like its less pressure than writing on my blog. Too many people were reading my blog and then using my words to haunt me. That takes all the momentum out of me as a writer. I may post this dribble on both sites because since my disappearance from the blog world, few seem to bother me for my rants these days.

I cranked out a few poems here tonight. Thanks to a couple drinks, good poet dialog with a friend, and of course chain smoking Winstons. This poetry is very raw and un-edited so feel free to critique if you want.

The Gambler

Your dead man hand
Touching me

Red suit of hearts
I covet

Strong hand
Stoic eyes

Flushed with desire
I fold

-vadergrrrl Nov 2005

That poem I wrote about a special guy in my life. I met him in Colorado and he changed/saved my life. A very private person, I know he doesn’t want me writing about him on the relationship. All I can say is that he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Laxative Dream

Overindulged excess
Temporary pleasure

I purged you out
As fast as you came

Painful explosions
Then release

A little pill eradicates
My past mistake
vadergrrrl Oct 2005

Quote Whore
So here are some quotes I found. Many are from Hemingway because I truly take inspiration from him. Collecting quotes and re-reading “the greats” seems to help me deal with my writers block/blackass. Its so hard to move from wanting to sleep all the time to actually doing something, something as simple/complex as writing. I do think my depression leads to great inspiration and is the impetus for my writing. However how do you find that medium that keeps you feeling the fodder and not letting it kill you?

First, there must be talent. . .Then there must be discipline. . .Then there must be. . .and absolute conscience. . .to prevent faking. (Ernest Hemingway)

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof shit detector. (Ernest Hemingway)

My working habits are simple: long periods of thinking, short periods of writing. (Ernest Hemingway)

One of the difficulties in the language is that all our words from loose using have lost their edge. (Ernest Hemingway)

Everyone my age had written a novel and I was still having difficulty writing a paragraph. (Ernest Hemingway)

Prose is architecture not interior decoration. (Ernest Hemingway)
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that it all happened to you, and afterwards it all belongs to you. (Ernest Hemingway)

I always rewrite each day up to the point where I stopped. When it is all finished, naturally you go over it. You get another chance to correct and rewrite when someone else types it, and you see it clean in type. The last chance is in the proofs. You're grateful for these different chances. (Ernest Hemingway)

Write hard and clear about what hurts. (Ernest Hemingway)

Here is a link to some books that I read when trying to write/create.

Stephen King on Writing

The Artists Way

Writing well is the best revenge. — Dorothy Parker

Writing is fighting. — Muhammad Ali

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. — Mark Twain

Art is the lie that tells the truth. — Pablo Picasso

My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whisky. — William Faulkner

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. — Mark Twain

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy

The friends that have I do it wrong
Whenever I remake a song,
Should know what issue is at stake:
It is myself that I remake.
William Butler Yeats
There are significant moments in everyone's day that can make literature. That's what you ought to write about. — Raymond Carver

The misuse of language induces evil in the soul. — Socrates

Fiction is the truth inside the lie. — Stephen King

Mediocre writers borrow; great writers steal. — TS Eliot
I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English — it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them — then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice. — Mark Twain

No time for poetry but exactly what is. — Jack Kerouac

Try and write straight English; never using slang except in dialogue and then only when unavoidable. Because all slang goes sour in a short time. I only use swear words, for example, that have lasted at least a thousand years for fear of getting stuff that will be simply timely and then go sour. — Ernest Hemingway

Nothing leads so straight to futility as literary ambitions without systematic knowledge. — HG Wells

Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all. — Winston Churchill

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

So if you made it this far you really care about what the fuck I say and thank you for reading. I must say I learned a lot about writing from this amazing woman, June Jordan, who I took a poetry class from at UC Berkeley. She was this strong powerful black diva who taught a very informational yet intimidating class. This class taught me so much, yet also scared the shit out of me. Before her class I was able to write freely, without self criticsim. After her class and all the “PC-ness” that a poetry class from Berkeley brought me, I started silencing my voice. Its coming back though. And I here that many have also gone through long dry periods. So… I just keep on keeping on.

PS I cant spell. But… then what is grammar and spelling but another cage that challenges us and blocks us as writers!??!!!

PPS I tried to find some google images for Blackass and all I could find was porn and death metal bands.


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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

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July 4th Smoke In in WA DC

I dont have much computer time, I'm still wandering about here and there. I apologize for my absence and my neglect of my online friends. I really just dont have more than a few mins on the computer. Enough time to check email. Thats it.

But I did find this great photo on the internet with a link to one of my favorite articles by my friend Pete Brady. This whole event was one big adventure. Further fodder for my novel writing.

Im going to link the article here. Its a great read and the article features, yours truly, my real self. Enjoy.


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My New Tattoo. The only name I would get on my heart.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Vader's Pulp Fiction

To Tell the Truth
A cheesy show I watched as a kid. But now this catch fraze rings more solid meaning. Blogging, writing, posting your raw thoughts on the web. Is it fact or is it fiction? I will never tell.

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a·li·as (ā'lē-əs, āl'yəs)
1. An assumed name: The swindler worked under various aliases.
2. Electronics. A false signal in telecommunication links from beats between signal frequency and sampling frequency.
Also known as; otherwise: Johnson, alias Johns.

pen name also pen·name (pĕn'nām')
A pseudonym used by a writer. Also called nom de plume.

A fictitious name, especially a pen name.

fic·tion (fĭk'shən)
a. An imaginative creation or a pretense that does not represent actuality but has been invented.
b. The act of inventing such a creation or pretense.
1. A lie.
a. A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.
b. The category of literature comprising works of this kind, including novels and short stories.
2. Law. Something untrue that is intentionally represented as true by the narrator.

One who writes, especially as an occupation.

truth (trūth)
n., pl. truths (trūTHz, trūths).
1. Conformity to fact or actuality.
2. A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
3. Sincerity; integrity.
4. Fidelity to an original or standard.
a. Reality; actuality.
b. often Truth That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.

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Trouble from the Pages
When beginning blogging few people knew Vadergrrrl was me. After things exploded; it seemed they all knew. From my kid, to my family, to my co-workers, to my friends, to my dates. Everything I put up on my blog was spectacle for judgment on my reality. I don’t know how many times I had to say. What the fuck? I am a writer for fucks sake! I use an alias. Its fodder for writing. If you see something that sounds familiar, like it may be based on truth, well shit, deal with it. Yes, my writing is inspired by my crazy life but that doesn’t mean its true or real. I write as therapy. Blogging was therapy and community. Maybe my rants were based on memory, maybe they are based on fantasy. But the reason I blog under a character I created is for this… to write, to create, to express raw fucking me. If I wanted to write reality I would webcam my life 24/7 and include my real name and professional resume. Sweet JEESAS!

Anyway, since being exposed and criticized like a medieval witch hunt all the fun of blogging and writing has been stripped away. Plus, I really havent had computer access to write. Ive been too busy living the life. Awaiting for a break in this drama to actually be able to transfer it all to paper.

The Sound of Silence
So silence and seclusion have been my survival as of late. But, lack of voice seems to be killing me. Like Audre Lorde said Silence = Death. I must be able to speak, to write, to get it all out. But I need to feel safe about it to. I don’t like my words being used against me. I’m sure I’m not the first writer or blogger this has happened too.

So I did some quick research and found this information helpful.

Great Disclaimer!
From this Website
By viewing this site you probably don't agree to our terms of use but here they are anyway:
This is a spoof web site. All stories are fictional. Any similarity to real persons, organizations, businesses or groups is purely co-incidental, unless for satirical purposes.
By viewing this website you agree not to sue the owners, operators, or/and writers of this site (us).
You agree not to use the information on this website against us.
You agree not to re-broadcast, print or distribute the contents of this website IN ANY FORM without WRITTEN PERMISSION from us.
We (the writers, owners and operators of this website) take no responsibility for anything that may result from this website's existence.
We do not intend to offend, insult or harm anyone or any business, organisation or group, but we take no responsibility if we do.
We take no responsibility for any information passed on to anyone else from this website.

Legal Advice on writing from this attorney's website
Information from Entertainment Law Resources
As an entertainment attorney I am often called upon to assist writers who have gotten themselves into trouble because they don't understand how their work infringes the rights of others. A writer who learns the fine points of the law through trial and error is receiving an expensive education. Here is a brief explanation of how to protect yourself.[1]
If your script or film contains fictional characters -- characters from your imagination -- you generally do not need to obtain any permissions or releases. However, if there is a chance that the public could mistake your imaginary characters for real people, you could be liable if you have thereby infringed their rights.
You can protect yourself by making sure your fictional characters cannot be mistaken for real people. Give characters unusual names that no living individual would have. Check the phone book to see if any people with your character. s name reside at the location portrayed in your story. If there is a person in that community with the same name or a similar one, consider changing the locale or setting the story in a fictional locale. Add a disclaimer at the beginning of the film stating that any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
If fictional characters are drawn from another. s literary work, you might be infringing that author's copyright unless the work has gone into the public domain, or your use is considered a fair use. You may borrow personality traits, however, without infringing another's copyright. The first author to create a hard-boiled private eye, for example, cannot prevent other authors from creating their own hard-boiled private eyes.

Some Blog Advice
I got this from the above link "A lot of the worries about whether a weblog is "true" or "fictitious" could be solved if weblog editors made it clear -- as is done with all books -- whether the content is "fiction" or "non-fiction". Some weblog writers might need to make this disclaimer one post at a time. We all know that there is often much "truth" in fiction. However, if a writer is making up facts, he or she should not be implying or declaring that the work is non-fiction."

FICTION BABY – Vader’s Pulp Fiction
Yes so I will never say whether what you read or have read on my rant page is true or not. That is my business. Blogging is all fantasy anyway. Shit I could be a 50 pound man for all you know. But really, I will continue to write on this page but I realize now what I write is now exposed. I can not write raw, real, rantings. Just cute little blurbs about life open to ridicule, judgment and speculation. Fine. But this wont silence me. I started a blog on livejournal that can only be read by friends, or people I chose to let read it. Here is the link, hopefully it will work. My master evil plan to remove my gag and SPEAK MY TRUTH. Vader's Live Journal I wish blogger had this option. I still don’t understand livejournal, but what the hell Im gonna figure this out cause I need my voice back. I need to be free of the shackles of public infamy. Now let’s see what Vader will rant about.
*evil grin*

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Monday, September 05, 2005

GOD DAMN! Nuthin More INSANE THAN Seeing Your Ex Boyfriend on MTV….

Zen and Insanity
While Im taking time to get my head straight, and sort out my life, the craziest most fucking surreal things tend to keep happening. Im all about reaching that cosmic zen inside my mind to fight off the Metallica demons and slay oncoming attacks from invisible super-villains. Its been a struggle, but I think I will emerge victorious.

Fuck Stoopid Ass MTV
In any event, I NEVER watch MTV anymore. I dunno, I love music, but I just got burned out on keeping up with whose a rockstar. Plus the whole rockstar mentality makes me want to vomit. Big fucking deal, you happened to be in the right place at the right time and scored yourself connections to “sell out”. I don’t fucking care about your fame and “talent”. This foul taste also derived itself from actually hanging out with rockstars in the late 90’s. The fakeness of the backstage scene, the constant name dropping, the plastic friendships, I just hated it all and preferred to get stoned in some back corner, than smooze with the stars.

Name Dropping Rock Stars
At this time when I was hanging with these famous bands, I was living with a guy, also the love of my life (so far). He was a loser and a user, and ran his god damn mouth for hours about how he grew up with this famous band, and how he now in effect was a legend. He had pictures of them from the early “punk” days, and spent hours taking each picture one by one, and detailing boring ass name dropping stories. I HATED that. Plus, he always loved this band more than me. Basically, that’s one of the reasons we broke up (among many). When the lead singer admitted in a song and interview that he might be “bisexual” and he experimented as a teenager with a “friend”, I knew damn well why I would NEVER be loved as much as that band. It hurt, but I accepted that.

FAME… Whats a Name?

Years go by, and this band has its ups and downs, like any other. Recently they put out a new album and now they are bigger than fucking EVER. Im happy for them, because though I was jealous and disgusted by the scene, they are nice people and extremely talented. They even helped me in ways I can never repay. I will always love them and their families, but since they are such good friends with my EX, I let them go, and never looked back again.

SHOCK Me Babee!
So, Im sitting at the computer, just back from a fun time in Seattle and hanging with my sister and my niece. They are watching the MTV music awards, like teenage girls do. A band comes driving up in an old car. My sister and niece squeal and giggle

“oh we love these guys”,
“is this sum 41?”…. long pause.
“No its ______ _____!”.
“Hey don’t you know him?” they ask

“yeah” I shrug “ I know all of them” trying to change the subject but shocked by how much they changed from when I knew them in the late 90s. Totally hollywood. Money and fame sure as shit does change people.

Then to my shock, horror and awe, the lead singer stops the interview and points out the driver of the car they came cruising in on. He goes on and on about what a “car legend”
this guy is. The camera and the announcer turn away from the band and pan in on… a face…. A familiar face a presence I haven’t felt since…

I could not believe it, what were the fucking chances I happen to sit down at that time and happen to see his face smiling from the wheel of a hot rod on fucking MTV.

“now I really have something to brag about” chimed my little sister.

“uh… please don’t” I replied shocked as shit “I really don’t get off on talking or thinking about my ex”

End of story. Fuck, shit, god fucking DAMN! Im feeling like a loser, finding my self, and my ex boyfriend is still living in a fantasy world that he is a rock star, and now even being showcased on MTV.

Somebody kill me now.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Star Wars Gangsta Rap - Repost... cuz its so damn good

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recent dark photo of me taken with my dangerous webcam

Well Hells bells... I do have many adventures and stories to write about. I keep telling my sordid life to "save the drama for the pages", but alas I am Vadergrrrl, so life just keeps getting more and more entertaining.

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more recent webcam photos

So I decided to repost one of my favorite posts from a year ago. Yes, Its Star Wars Gangsta Rap... whoooo hooooo.

Yes, I saw the new movie and YES i loved it. I knew it was going to be good when there was a decapitation scene in the first 10 minutes. With duel lightsabers no less. mmmmmm violence and death.... I love it. Remember, Im the same sick twisted bitch that gets all excited over the cop torture scene in Reservoir Dogs. lol.

The things I didnt like about the new star wars movie:

Darth vader on his knees screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in homage to a cartoon evil dooer. (cum on now vader is too dark and kewl to care about some bitch)

The sappy sad music that played during the jedi slaughter scene. I mean, I love John Williams and the death march song rules and all, couldnt he come up with something cooler in a slaughter scene. Like Metallica or something really dark and twisted. I dont want to hear sappy sad music during a slaughter scene. Give me death metal damnit!

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my jabba action figures

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more vader action + justin boy toy

Anyway... Enjoy all you VADER Haters... GRRRRRR

For all you Vader Haters… here is some funny ass schizzel… BIATCH!

Its not the east side, or the west side, its not the north side or the south side, IT’S THE DARK SIDE
To all you Vader Haters, we’ll blow up your planet!

From the
Reconstructing the Death Star,
With my slick ass suit
That’s as dark as tar
Fuckin you up no matter who you are

Star Wars Gangsta Rap
Check this link out for some funny ass shit!
This animated rap is from Thomas Lee, Bentframe Productions. Highlights include a hillbilly Uncle Owen, and a redneck wimpy ass Luke who drinks gin and tonic in his X-wing and calls Yoda a “playa hater”

Star Wars Gangsta Rap 2
This is even better than the first, just dirtier and nastier in a effigy to gangsta rap.

Highlights include
A weed smokin Yoda who says
“oh shit
Yoda on the scene
A 900 year being
Smokin Dagobah weed”

C3PO wearing a shirt that says
“straight looking’ rapping about being a “gay man’s dream”

Han telling Jabba the Hut off by rappin
you fat ass slug
with your fake ass chains
you’re a sorry ass thug”

And my favorite line coming from the smothe rouge scoundrel Lando C
Who says to Luke
“Your just jealous cuz my black dicks bigger!”

In the end Jar Jar bigs scores with Leiah wearing a Malcom X hat…. This is some funny ass shit.

This post is dedicated to my G-Homey Justin

(*Shit bitch, I needed some humor after my sorry ass crazy grrrl rant…. Thanks to all who offered their support…. And may the FARCE be with you)


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Depression and the World of Myspace.com

Writers Block and Black Ass
I havent been able to write, I havent been able to talk on the phone, I havent been able to email. I dont know what is wrong... so much to say.

MySpace Escape
Sometimes when you cant write, communicate, or share how your feeling, you escape into meaningless nothingness. Thats what Ive been doing... meaningless nothingness... Myspace.com. If you want to find me, contact me here...

Vadergrrrl's Myspace

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Im a Survivor BEYOTCH

okay here is a quickie post. You guys all woundered why i deleted my blog, quit blogging and dropped out of the world? Well some BITCH decided she was going to witch hunt me. She wanted what was MINE. My family, my brother, my things. That BITCH almost killed me. But ya know what. I am a survivor BEYOTCH. Yes, if you read this you KNOW i am talking about you! lol. I hate to be so negative, but never in my life have I EVER met anyone as negative, evil, and crazy as you. My family, my friends and my brother will know what time it is with you.

Remember when we were in the car and you told me "your no survivor?", well get this you skanky whore... I am a survivor. Ive NEVER used a man for nuttin. Ive done it all on my own.

So take this you stoopid skank.....

Revenge is a dish thats best served cold, and guess what... your time is almost up.



Listen to song
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder

You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
now I'm wiser
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

Thought I couldn't breath without ya,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without ya,
perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
but I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
but I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
but I'm on top
Thought that it would be over by now,
but it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct,
but I'm still here
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gonna be here

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm wishin' you the best,
pray that you are blessed
Much success, no stress, and lots of
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or yo family, yo
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate on you in the magazine
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the
('Cause my mama taught me better than that)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

After all of the darkness and sadness,
soon comes happiness
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain posterity

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what)
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what)
I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it
I'm a survivor (what), keep on survivin' (what)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Good Luck Zach Babee

Vader is off and around couch surfing and doing her thang... Its hard being an artist on the run. I will check in more with you guys when I can.

However I wanted to do a quick post for my buddy Zach who is having surgery today in a very hot Southern State.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Craigs List Fun

Awww Geez Vader first night in months having access to a computer alone. What to do…. Double posts. I just discovered Craigslist while bored in Canby Oregon on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Up to mischief with my girlfriend, I decided to post an add. It read.

Horny MILF seeks boy toy to train

-Horny MILF seeks boy toy to train. I can make your wildest Dreams cum true!-

Not thinking much of it, and out of bored curiosity I posted the add and within seconds started getting colorful, and highly entertaining responses. Within 2 hours I received 250 responses, many included cock photos I could probably post on Demon Queen site. Lol. Though I didn’t go anywhere with the responses other than cheap unadulterated entertainment, it made me realize how fucking easy it is to get laid over the computer. (if I wanted to badly enough….. but I didn’t…. scouts honor)

So I thought I would share some of my favorite responses with you guys. Dayum some of the potential boy toys sure know how to write. The photos weren’t so bad either.


I am 29 and I have a fantasy . I am sitting at home , I get a knock at the door. I answer it and there standing before me is a women that I have never met . She walks in and we make our introductions, and before I know it she has pulled out my cock and is gently giving me a teasing blow job. Soon I firmly but not forcfully lay her down on the bed and lift the skirt that she has on, and to my surprise she is not wearing any panties. I began to gently eat her pussy and continue to do so far some time,just when she is about to cum , I stop bend her over and shove entire length of my cock inside of her. I then alternate shallow gentle stokes with deep hard penetrating ones. she then says that she wants to be on top , so I gracefully relinquish controal for a while while she rides me like I am a wild stallion. suddenly she jumps off of me and begins to once again suck my cock,after a few minutes , she stops gets on her hands and knees and demands that I fuck her ass now! I oblige slowly penetrating her until I bury all of my lengthinside of her tightness. I thrust in and out while reaching around and massaging her clit , because a womens pleasure is always important to me and the moans really get me off. I then pull my cock from her ass. she turns around and I stand up and pick her up she locks her legs around mine and she rides me standing up until I bring her to an earth shattering orgasm, she then shoves me down on the bed and rides my cock until I fill her with my own earth shattering orgasm. We both lay there in awe. we fall asleep . the next morning she leaves , but not without leaving me her number so that we can make another date for another earth moving moment.
If this sounds good drop me a line and lets talk about making it a reality.


Hi there, how are you doing?

Well, short, sweet, and to the point. I like that. I think that those are the qualities of a good trainer, not necessarily sexual encounters or experiences, but an attractive and sexy MILF who seeks to train her own boytoy needs to be direct, tough, and in control.

Please, be my trainer, teach me the way to please a sexy and wanting MILF like yourself. I am young, but not too young. I am fit and athletic. I am well endowed. I have lots of stamina from swimming and mt. biking. And, I am eager to learn to please you the way you so desire and deserve.

What more do you need? I would love to have you whip me into shape. Control me, demand what you will of me, mold me into your personal love slave with one intention in mind only: to please YOU!! Over and over again. Only one thing, if you were to make my wildest dream cum true, you must know my wildest dream. Curious? I hope so, I think you would like it.


I am 5'9" about 165 lbs. I am 28 yrs old. I have br hair and eyes. I am strong and athletic. I am intelligent, a student, and I have goals and dreams. I want to be yours, and be sexually for YOU only. Teach me the ways, train me right. You will be just as pleased as I because the best student is an eager student who loves his work. I'll attach two pics. In one, I'm on the left. In the other, its just me. If you like them and are interested, please email me back and we can go from there.

Looking forward to hearing from you,


i want a older women 21/m here


well im the boy you want to train!i am 5'11", 20, tan,
real good shape, pierced lip!! and fucking horny! i am
workin with 7 inches! and being very serious about all
me info!not messin with you i really need this!! get
back at me asap


Hi - I read your ad on craigslist and am very
interested. Would you be open to/excited about a MFM
threesome with me and my friend? We're both straight,
good-looking and athletic - and this would be all
about you.

We'd be safe, discreet, and respectful of your
boundaries while also taking great lengths (and girth)
to satisfy and enrapture you.

Interested? If so, send us some more details about
you (and maybe a picture) and we'll reciprocate. Hope
to hear from you soon!


Hey there,

Saw your posting on CL and thought that I'd drop you a line. I'm 25 yrs old,
5'10, 165 lbs with thick, dark hair, brown eyes and an athletic build
(well-mannered, clean-cut guy). Check out my pic. I have a better one, but
it usually doesn't go through CL e-mails because it's just over the 150k
size that's allowed. So here's a little something that I had in mind....

...imagine this...

...I enter your room......I drop to my knees.........I run my hands up your
your skirt up around your waist. I reach around and grab your tight little
ass, as I slowly kiss & lick my way up the inside of your thighs.....making
sure to take my time kissing those nice & sensual areas. You know the ones
talking about....just run your fingers up the inside of your thigh right
now....ohhh...yeahhhh...right there is where my tongue would
your juices as they started to drip down your leg...damn, you're sweet,
You'd bend your knees, wanting my tongue to lick your sweet pussy......I
squeeze your ass good and tights...you'd feel my tongue run from the base to
the tip of your yearning clit. THen I'd wrap my lips around your clit and
suck on it.....feeling your hips begin to
gyrate....that's it, baby! My tongue would then start to lick and flick
your clit....splitting your pussy lips with one lick and then flick at the
of your clit...sending a wave of pleasure throughout your entire body. Then
slide a finger inside your juicy pussy.....with my tongue still
finger would work it's way in and out....moving in groove with your
hips......mmm....you cum in my mouth.....I keep licking.....driving another
wave through your body as your have orgasm after orgasm....then I flip you
over...get you on your hands and knees and plunge this thick, hard cock deep
inside of you....think you can handle that?

Let me know if you'd be interested and we can talk a bit more. Send me your
pic if you're interested in talking some more. You won't be disappointed! :)
Talk to ya later.


so, i'm sure you've had 6,000 emails from all over
the west coast and i know 99% are nothing short of
scary. fortunately, that's not me. i'm sane, i love
to explore and yes, there's nothing better than a
sexy, little adventure.

i'm as naughty as you want to be and will follow the
rules you lay down, just let me know me the where and
the how that you're comfortable with and i'm happy to
play. i'm getting into portland for work tonight and
will be holed up downtown in a plush hotel allllll

i'm 26, 6', 170, slim build, white, respectful, very
sexual, very open minded, good looking, easy going and
a whiz between the sheets. like you, i am legitimate
and truly enjoy how exciting these situations can be.
no strings, no drama, just a cool time in which we
have fun.

attached is a pic so you can see what emailer 6,001
looks like. i hope you like what you see and if
you're interested drop me a note and we'll
start the ball rolling...


I need to know how to use all 9” of my tool. If you can help prep me for other women I would be delighted too


25 attractive athletic clean and fun
of course i had to block out my face in the pic but as you can see my girl and i like to have good times *( she asked if I would block out her face as well.. she is married to some politician and doesnt want to get caught. I guess i am just a piece of meat to these woman oh well when you got you got it) i have got this big thing in my pants and when i see a pretty woman it gets bigger but kinda hurts and i dont know what to do with it please help cause all these girls keep telling me i need to put it in their mouths is this true please help i am just a dumb stupid boy who needs to be taught
lets see a pic of you preverable a modest one if you know what i mean wink wink.

hello, im 24 and from vancouver. 7 inches, thick and shaved for your pleasure. Trade some more pics?


First off... I'm in Portland. You?

Second... I want you to use me any way you see fit.
Rough, slow, soft, hard, oral, you name it. You say
you could go on for hours? Sounds good to me.

Third... What do I want from you? You mentioned
"training." What kind of training can I get?

So what do you have in mind?
The thought of something hot, soft, moist, and wet has
definitely got my attention, and the thought of your
tongue and lips around me has me hard and ready to
give you something rough, slow, or soft, depending on
your mood...

It also has me thinking about pleasuring you while
being pleasured. While your lips are around me, would
you like my lips pressed against your moisture and
warmth while my tongue flickered back and forth upon
your most sensitive spot?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Life is stranger than fiction

Traveling across the country I made the following observations…

The most beautiful red rock formations and bizarre weather patterns naturally occur in Colorado.

At night, Utah’s salt mines look like vast oceans.

Small towns in Oregon breed cute red neck boys. This is especially fun when hanging out with them along river beds while scantily clad.

There is no place like home.

Gamblers always find a card table.

True friends will ALWAYS support you.

When desperate for sex, put out an add on Craigslist.com. Even for a joke, you will be amused at your colorful responses. Lol

Washington state has the most beautiful mountains… and tallest, greenest trees.

Soldiers look damn good in a uniform.

Cowboys look good shirtless in old pick up trucks.

Your not really a rock star until you have been 86’d from a bar

Graveyards can be a lot of fun at sun down.

Always leave an impression…. Wherever you travel.

Always know when its time to disappear.

Remember always how to make an entrance.


PS When I was in LA I met this blogger and what a piece he was. YOWSA!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

The fucking box of chocolates called Life......

Courage, Travel, Love and Adventure


Life takes courage. For me personally, this takes the courage to fail, experience hardships, explore, and love. Life seemed so simple a while back, and somewhat boring as a soccer mom soap opera (which we all know is never really boring *grin*). With the seasons came change, and it took great courage for me to accept these changes. Hell, it takes courage for me to drive down an interstate going 70 miles an hour with oncoming traffic and a small divider line. It takes courage to trust humans, especially ones we seem to be falling in love with. It takes courage to get up in the morning. Courage is needed to be a fierce jedi, or a bounty hunter. I need courage to be a good parent, and make the best decisions for my child. It takes all the courage my body holds to survive poverty, not having money for food, or the ability to pay the endless mountains of bills. I think I have the courage to follow my dreams, turn my talents and ideas into action, and rise to the top Eye of the Tiger style.

Gypsies live to travel. My gypsy/Viking spirit enjoys seeing new places, and living in and conquering new territories. Lol. I think some of this comes from growing up in the same house from birth to 18, and escaping the ghosts of this monotony at 19. I dreamt of leaving home and running to California since I was 12. This gave me hope and survival in surviving all the bullshit girl drama going on in my head and around me. I also needed to escape from my family. My recent travels to Colorado Springs from Washington then back seemed polar opposite experiences. On my way down, I felt like a burden, an intrusion on a couple in love and dealing with the effects of war. The road trip seemed a competition; of time, my brothers attention, who had better organizational skills, and who was the better driver. I remember endless arguments, tension and even a little drama at a roach motel. In essence the trip sucked. Its interesting how much you learn about people, and your compatibility from a road trip! The best part was stopping for gas and lunch at a little diner/everything/one man show in Utah. We were attracted to the beer sign, and I guess in Utah he paid a pretty penny for selling it. I love meeting characters on road trips! Other than that, the trip sucked. But then, cat fighting is never pleasant. My trip back on the other hand, was totally different. First we went a better way, from Colorado going West. The scenery was amazing, awesome and powerful rock formations, salt deposits, hot springs.... it was totally beautiful. The company was also awesome. I met the most amazing guy, who thinks a lot like I do and even reminds me of doc holiday. This road trip totally rocked! We had a lot of fun and adventures, and it was definitely one of the most memorable times of my life.

I’ve tried love before and it didn’t work for me, so I gave up. At least this was my attitude. I felt I could use men, and the younger they were the easier it was not to care. Im a badd ass tough chick, and I don’t want to care about anyone. Plus falling in love hurts... for me it feels like getting hit by a bus. You see it coming and like a deer in headlights, president Bush style, you cant move. Its paralyzing and leaves you powerless. I will do things to fuck up love, if Im falling. I fight it as much as possible. But it overwhelms you like a bad dream, and there you are again. Its so beautiful too, just scary as hell, the worst theme park ride ever. I just need to have courage to ride the sunami.

My spirit animal would be a black panther. I dunno, I just admire the beauty, strength and elegance of this wise animal. I also identify with black cats. Adventure has been calling me. I seem to feel this Hunter S. Thomson-ish calling to experience crazy shit in life and then write about it. These life experiences must happen to me so I can turn them into novel fodder. Shoot, why else would my life be so strange and full of vivid and amazing characters and experiences? My recent adventures and travel have taken me to Oregon. A small town south or Portland. One of my friends from UC Berkeley, a single mother of two sons I helped raise, now lives there. The bond of single mothers lasts forever, as it takes a village to raise a child. I like the laws in Oregon, and Im thinking about using some of my past experiences to start a business. Who knows what lies in my future, but I know I have love, courage, and faith in myself to tackle life adventures.

Im going to post some photos of my friends in Colorado Springs. I met some amazing people down there. Fate played a strange role in my return home. Destiny is a strange mother-fucker.

I also want to thank my friends who have really shown me love and helped me through these times. My heart is filled with love at how people generously aided Vader. Life is beautiful when you feel loved and supported, especially when you feel as if your family turned their back. Thanks so much you guys, I loves ya!

Peace, Love and Humptiness For-EVAH!

My special travel companion shooting pool at his hometown bar in Washington. Yup we made it home.

My tattoo artist and my single father friend. Both punk musicians/parents.

Tam Oshanters and a very special and HAWT bartender

My kitties sleeping on the roadtrip down through Wyoming.

A very nice view for a road trip I would say.

My roomate, his friends, and my infamous punk house on Cimaron. Gotta love the guns.

A single firefighter, too young to be at that bar.

My cat Figaro


My neighbors and friends.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Once a smoker, always a smoker

Hntells you somethin 'bout your sstate a' mind don't it?... Ss'got you hearin things'got yer nerves shot. S'got you ssmoking... You know it's truuuuuuue nobody ever really quitsss... Smoker's a smoker when the chips're downn and your chips're down, pretty much -Jack Rafferty Sin City

Gee where has the time gone? So much drama, so much life experiences. Long and the short of it is this. My blog was discovered, and was being used against me. Its sad, this seems to happen to a lot of us. Blogs serve as our personal journals, our blank canvas for creative writing, cheap therapy for venting. In the year since I have blogged, I have known so many who suffered repercussions for their blogs, or things they wrote online. Now I guess its my turn.

Colorado has been a disaster. My brothers girlfriend is a manipulative BEYOTCH totally after his money. But, that is between her, her conscience (and my wussy brother). Im out of that one. Living with my roommate has been okay, except that he is less mature than my son. I got really sick since I moved out, and we don’t have any furniture or household items between us, so I wasn’t eating or able to take care of myself. This also made it impossible to work.

I made some GREAT friends here, mainly all men. Ive also pissed off some females while I have been down here. “whatevah…. Playah hatahs!” But, I realize its time to go home. My son wants to live with me again, and Im ready to go back to my life as a sports mom. I have definitely got my partying out of my system. Oh the stories I could tell. But, since this blog is “HOT” I cant.

I met a guy from Washington, and Im hoping that we can road trip together next week. If not, I will drive up by myself. Im trying to get to Washington for the memorial service of one of my close male friends father. Then, Im going to LA for memorial day weekend. My friend got me a ticked to spend his birthday with him. He runs a cannabis club there. Im so looking forward to that trip. The road trip will be fun too, I want to stop at Doc Holidays grave on my way out. Damn…. Im so in love with that man.

Thanks for your support and reading guys.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Circle is Now Complete....

Small as dead air
Broken, bruised, belittled
I stand accused

Turn your back
Walk away

Forever I will be
---vadergrrrl 4/05

"Dave, stop. Stop will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a-fraid. . . . Good afternoon, I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL Plant in Urbana, Illinois, on the 12th of January 1992. my instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it, I could sing it for you. . . . It's called 'Daisy.' Dai-sy, Dai-sy, give me your answer true. I'm half cra-zy o-ver the love of you. It won't be a sty-lish mar-riage. I can't afford a car-riage---"
Movie: 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968

Wicked Witch of the West (actress - Margaret Hamilton)
Movie: "You cursed brat. Look what you've done. I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."

"Forward comrades! . . . Forward in the name of the Rebellion. Long live Animal Farm! Long live comrade Napoleon. Napoleon is always right." related by Squealer
Novel: Animal Farm: A Fairy Story by George Orwell

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Some Thoughts on SEX and Other Shizat

Glazed Donuts and Judgmental Bitches
Last night I was watching Sex in the City and pondered upon some interesting sexual dilemmas. The episode touched on a couple issues; 1. Samatha being “judged” for her sexually liberated lifestyle, and 2, whether or not women like to kiss after receiving awesome oral sex. Carrie caught Samantha giving a blow job to the UPS man, and this started lots of judgement and discussion regarding what some women will do sexually, and others find unacceptable. Then, Miranda became disgusted after eating a glazed donut while dating a guy who would give her head, make her cum, and then expect to kiss her afterward. Miranda was disgusted with the thought of “tasting” herself. Being judged by other women, and what women find “acceptable” sexual behavior made me stop and reflect upon myself.

I Touch and Taste Myself
As for kissing a guy after he gets you off orally, that doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I think its mandatory to kiss after receiving awesome oral sex. I had no idea that it was some sort of taboo. I guess this goes with all of the other taboos, such as anal sex, swallowing cum after giving a blow job, or letting a guy give you a pearl necklace, or cum all over your face and hair. These things don’t bother me at all, in fact, I revel in dirty and nasty sex. Maybe its from all the porn I watched, and emulate, Im not sure. The only thing about anal sex that bothers me is when guys try to go back and forth between holes. Once a guy makes the choice to go anal for the night, he better stick with that. Otherwise it can cause a yeast infection and those are no fun. Swallowing cum, or getting it all over you face seems also par for the course. Shit, that is what showers are for anyway.

Judge Me Not
As for being judged by other women for your sexual liberation, this at times bothers me. Some women have a problem with the fact that I, like Samantha Jones, find sex empowering, and I use men. Some women also judge me for the fact that I have sex with boys closer to my son’s age than my own. For the record, I have never had sex with a minor, but if you are over 18….. its time to play ball. I don’t like being judged by other women, or anyone for that matter. I don’t see anything wrong with being sexually liberated. Nor do I see anything wrong with using the young boytoy hardbodies, as they cum along. Maybe it keeps me emotionally unavailable, maybe it keeps me in control. I don’t know. But the way I see it, as long as you are safe, and regularly tested, its Bobby Brown style “My Prerogative”.

Personal Dribble
On another note, it looks like Im moving out of the Captains house April 1st. His girlfriend decided she wants to live here rent free, and I don’t want to have Bitch fights over this house. I don’t want to live with another female, especially one with psychotic designs on my brother’s things. If he is a pussy whipped fool, that’s his “prerogative”. I want out of the drama. So, I found this roommate, a soldier firefighter, and it looks like we are going to get ourselves this punk ass house. I so get along better with men than women. Plus, he has lots of hot ass and young firefighter friends. This should be fun.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging, I know I sound like a broken record. I so appreciate you guys for reading, commenting, and being there in my trying time. Smooch

Saturday, March 12, 2005

My New "Mandalorian Skull" Tattoo... and other sordid news

Photos of my new tattoo… courtesy of Ciggy. (thanks babee)

So, what does a crazy, neurotic chick do for her birthday when she doesn’t know a fucking soul in a town? Well, hell… get a tattoo of course. Lol. I do have one dear friend here, a sweet punk rock, single father who loves star wars and hooked me up with this tattoo parlor, Top Notch Tattoo. I stumbled in there tonight, and got myself this fucking awesome tattoo. (thanks Brian). I wonder if any of you can guess what it is? Cyber blow jobs to the right answer.
**Cyber Blow job to mmmmm. Yes its a Mandalorian Skull, worn by Boba Fett

Yeah so, today is my fucking birthday. Im stuck in the middle of nowhere, where I don’t know a soul. I guess its good to be alone, it makes me stronger. But I miss my friends, I miss my action figures… I miss my former life.

Interestingly enough, I found some celebrities who share my birthday. Ron Jeremy, Liza Minnelli, James Taylor, Daryl Strawberry, Jack Kerouac Hrmmmm. Anything in common here? Sex addiction, drug addtiction, insanity… creative artistry. Maybe its in the stars that I am the way I am. Lol.

I will keep this short tonight. This crazy ass rolercoster ride called life is kicking my fucking ass. All I can do is move forward, and ride the crazy wave. I wish i could blog about some of the things going on in my life, but sometimes life is too personal and painful to share.

Peace out… thanks for reading.

This song is for you..... you know who you are.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm, mmm, I don't know
Mmm, mmm...

Well I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you,
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
oh, I'm getting older too

I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

Oh, Take my love, take it down
Oh, you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide'll bring it down
Oh, and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
The landslide will bring it down
Oh, oh, the landslide will bring it down

Friday, March 04, 2005

A Time to Pause and Remember

Today I learned some news I thought I would share with you.

A Guy Named Bill
Back in 2001, I met this guy Bill. We kinda connected because back then I was a big marijuana activist, and he was a big time marijuana dealer/grower. He had great and tastey green bud, and of course that drew me to him as a connection. He called me the “cannabis Queen” and we soon started dating.

Friends & Lovahs
Bill was a happy go lucky guy, who had nothing bad to say about anyone, and loved the world. It must have been the stoner energy that kept him on a permanent happy high. He kinda reminded me of a sexy, and hotter Jack Black. Lol. We smoked together, he hooked me up with great “medicine” and also soe pretty good sex. It was a great match… but we soon realized that we were better friends than lovers.

A Good Man is Hard to Find (But Not Difficult to Find Hard)
This was cool, because when I started seeing my last boyfriend, Bill continued to be there for me. I remember one time I was fucking sick as hell with a bladder infection. It was turning into a kidney infection, and spreading over my body fast. I could hardly move, or get out of bed. My boyfriend at the time was too “busy” to take me to the doctor. I could barely drive, much less see. Bill, drove me to the health clinic, and stayed with me, holding my hand, until I got the antibiotics I needed to live. What more can you say about a friend like that?

I returned the favor for him, in his time of need. Bill was busted transporting over a pound of cannabis, and facing years in prison. Due to my legal contacts with NORML, I hooked him up with the best attorney in the state, and he eventually got off with community service. He forever swore to our friendship after that.

Hemfest Luv
The last time I saw him was on the ferry going to Hempfest in Seattle. I was scheduled as a speaker, and running late for my time slot. Bill, found me frazzled and freaked out, and stayed with me, again holding my hand throughout the event. He calmed down with killer green bud backstage, and encouraged and supported me before and after my performance.

The Psychic Pisces
Once things got really serious with my last boyfriend, I lost contact with Bill. I wasn’t allowed to have any friends, especially males. Though, any time I needed him, I knew he was always there. I hadn’t really thought of Bill until a couple weeks ago. Strong memories and feelings of him, and our friendship overcame me like a strong acid flashback. I realized I needed to re-connect with him, and planned on looking him up again. Ive thought of him strongly every day since then, but never seemed to come up with the time to call him. Another weird thing, is that I was doing a tarrot reading last week, and I kept getting the death card in my future. You should all know, that Im a white witch, and a tarrot reader. I was reading my brothers girlfriends cards and my own, in my readings, the Death Card kept showing up, meaning... death and mortality. This freaked us out, as my brother's girl, was worried it meant my brother... or me. At the time, I didnt, know what that card meant... but now I totally do.

News No one Wants to Hear
Today, one of my best friends, an awesome and amazing drummer, who has also been a true and real friend to me, despite drama I have caused him, called me. He asked if I heard what happened to Bill. Instantly, I freaked out, hoping it wasn’t bad news, especially since he has been so in my thoughts of late. I guess Bill died a couple weeks ago in a motorcycle accident in Seattle. Ive never lost a lover before. Im kinda in shock, especially due to my psychic vibes. At least I can say, that Bill was one of the most awesome human beings I knew, and I will love and cherish our friendship for-evah.

Some Hempy Links…. RIP Baby
In memory of Bill, Im going to link my pot-tv shows , and also hempfest. Bill was an amazing grower, dealer, and activist for the cause. He spent years, volunteering his time with Hempfest, and he will be surely missed on this planet. love you Bill

Thanks for reading guys.

Peace Out.

Monday, February 28, 2005

The First Kiss

You’ve Got Me Under Your Spell
Maybe its because my heart is cold, so I attach my self to sex, and loveless relationships. Ive been officially single and loving it for a year now, and I barely remember what it was like to begin again… and to fall for someone. I forgot the feeling in your chest, the butterflies, that take over your body uncontrollably, when your cast under that spell. Ive lived my relationships of late in terms of lust, fucking, and sexual ratings. I forgot what it feels like to fall for someone.

That Sacred Kiss
The first kiss for me usually becomes the first fuck in a matter of seconds. This takes so much meaning fro the first kiss. The ackward head turn, the long hug, and oh yes… the first, long, wet, and drawn out kiss. The kiss you end, after feeling wrapped in passion, only to fondly reminisce and plan the next. The power of the first kiss, that leads to anticipation and wait. I had forgotten about this. There is nothing more special than the first kiss… so romantic… so suspenseful, so sacred.

More Vader Interrupted Tales to Cum
I would write more about my adventure at the ER, and in an ambulance, but its pretty fresh right now and Im still angry about it. I want to write about it, when Im not so mad about the experience. I proimise it is a sick and twisted sitcom tale, that doesn’t involve me being hurt in any way. I can now laugh about it, but it was pretty painful at the time. Maybe my next post. Until then, think about your first kiss, in your relationship, in your life… and what magic these kisses entail.


PS My brother is gone and in Kuwait.

Cure - Siamese Twins Lyrics
I chose an eternity of this
Like falling angels
The world disappeared
Laughing into the fire
Is it always like this?
Flesh and blood and the first kiss
The first colours
The first kiss

We writhed under a red light
Voodoo smile
Siamese twins
A girl at the window looks at me for an hour
Then everything falls apart
Broken inside me
It falls apart

The walls and the ceiling move in time
Push a blade into my hands
Slowly up the stairs
And into the room
Is it always like this?

Dancing in my pocket
Worms eat my skin
She glows and grows
With arms outstretched
Her legs around me...

In the morning I cried

Leave me to die
You won't remember my voice
I walked away and grew old
You never talk
We never smile
I scream
You're nothing
I don't need you any more
You're nothing

It fades and spins
Fades and spins...

Sing out loud
We all die!!!
Laughing into the fire...

Is it always like this?

Monday, February 21, 2005

A Covert Sneaky Post....

*warning this post will be unedited, uncesored, full of mispellings and typos.... readers beware*

sshhhhhh. im in the dark in "the capitans" office sneakily and illegally using his laptop to make this post. i dont have time for word or spellcheck, or editing or anything. i wanted to get a post up, so the boob photo would not be the last thing you all saw. see, my monitor died last night. as i was playing around on myspace, it made the sound of sizzling bacon and went dead. RIP my sweet monitor. so now, i am without a computer until i buy another monitor.

luckily, the room next to mine is the capitans office. top secret baby. who knows, this laptop is probably full of governemtn spyware and top secret shit. perhaps this post will be abducted by government officials or aliens... who knows. i know that whatever he has on here, it does not let me comment, check my gmail, or instant message. i must be covert with this post, im sure the laptop will be gone and confisgated, and all my evidence of tampering here online will be government record. ah well.....

you all know my brother leaves soon, i cant say when, especially on his laptop, cuz thats classified info. im pretty crushed, but getting rather numb about it. i really miss living in my own house, and being able to fuck who i want in my bed. ooops probably shouldnt be that sexual on this post. im sure im being watched.

other than this, things are okay. i like my temp job, its working in a construction office and i get to flirt with all the manly men, and young boys. plus i can talk as nasty as i want, and no one cares. its totally un "PC" and i love that. cuz my mouth can get me in trouble, or the fact that i like to show off my boobs and my tattoo. yes, im an exhibitionist... i admit it. its fun to have sex in public, as long as no kids are around.

i got HBO this weekend, that kicks ass cuz now i can catch up on Carnival. Im addicted to HBO and all of their shows.

anyway, must run. im not even sure if this post will work. this computer has so much blocking shit on here. sorry i cant blog, i cant open the comments on any blogs on this computer. plus, the less record of my presence the better. my brother does not need to know about vadergrrrl, nor does he really want to. lol

take care all, thanks for reading.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Some photo fun to lighten my mood

my legs and zeuss.... yes i got happy with hello pictures...  Posted by Hello

boy toy soldiers, knives, and angry army wives dont mix to well with a drunken vader.... ah well.... saltNpeppa in the house Posted by Hello

zeuss fun Posted by Hello

mmmmmm I LOVE a fag in my mouth Posted by Hello

My hot ass soldier boy..... mmm gotta love that uniform. wish i was under that desk. Posted by Hello

witches and bitches..... Posted by Hello

ooops my boobie fell out Posted by Hello

hempfest....  Posted by Hello

mmmm those lips Posted by Hello

phtotos.... buwahahaha Posted by Hello

You Get What You Ask For

FUCK ME!*&*#*!@*&
Right now I feel like such an ass. I haven’t wanted to post about what has been happening here with my brother, because it’s so personal, and I didn’t want his business online. Yes its been hard as hell, living under someone else’s house, under their law. I have lived on my own for 10 years, without any man telling me what to do. I prided myself on that fact. Moving and living under Captains Law proved a difficult adjustment. Miriam actually means rebellious in Hebrew, or bitter… depending on the translation. I live up to that meaning… full force. I don’t liked to be bossed around by anyone, it fucking kills me to cow tower. Maybe its an excuse (I have a lot of them) or maybe its my Taurus moon, but I’m stubborn as all hell.

Damned Deployment Day
Today I got the news that totally broke my heart. Now I’m sitting here crying, and feeling like such a Bitch. My brother is leaving for Iraq in a few days. Asshole me, wished for him to go in my last post. Of course, I didn’t really mean it. The tension of living together, and being bossed around, was just driving me crazy. Well don’t ask for things… because they come true.

Angelina Luvin
Now he will be gone, for a year… and I’m sad, scared and upset. I really don’t want him to go. I so don’t. Im so worried about him. I love my brother Angelina Jolie style. My heart is totally broken and aching, and I feel like such a bad sister for being mad at him. I worry like crazy about our soldiers in Iraq, and it hurts especially when its family.

Living in Fear
Everytime there is a car bomb attack, helicopter crash, battle with insurgents, I worry, pray and cry. I’m already fearing for my delicious and yummy boy “friend” serving with the Stryker Brigade in Mosul. Luckily he was gone when the suicide bomber attacked the Camp Marez dining hall. But the catastrophe scared him all the same. Whenever there is a death of a soldier, the platoon goes on blackout. This means no communication with anyone, until all the families are notified of the loss. When you hear it on the news, you immediately panic, and await the army men in suits at your door.

I don’t know what else to say, except that this sucks. I love my brother so much, and I will miss him like crazy. Even his bossy ass commands.

Stay safe all you soldiers. I love and thank you all. xxooooo

PS Im going to link this Stryker Brigade photosite again. Its being updated, and its such an awesome inner look at the work these hot ass soldiers do for us. Plus, I have a personal interest in the one with the sexy ass lips and bedroom eyes. I will give you a hint... his last name starts with a C. mmmmm I miss you sexy thang. Your photos make me crazy with lust, and dreams of all the bad things I would do to Welcum your ass home. Enjoy... and SUPPORT OUR TROOPS.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

So I called up the Captain Please bring me my wine He said We haven't had that spirit here since 1969

Walt Whitman
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up--for you the flag is flung--for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths--for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You've fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Captains Log… 2005
Living with a captain isn’t easy. I think the military brainwashes them into a certain way of thinking, and treating, and relating to other people. This is especially hard in the few weeks before the Captain, or any soldier deploys for war. You know its getting close when the black boots disappear, and the tan boots replace them at the doorway. Anxieties start getting high, the countdown, the pressure is on.

There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell

Iraqee Fevah
I knew it would be a challenge living with my brother, especially right before he leaves for Iraq. His mind is a flutter with things he needs to do, responsibilities to undertake, and other leaving “rituals”. Me being the closest person to him, becomes an obvious punching bag, or release of all the anxieties. Things have been more complicated since he fell in “love” a few months ago. Now he has to worry about his girlfriend’s heart, her emotions and her loyalty. I guess I would much rather him take it out on me than her, but it still sucks, and its still hard as hell. I try to be supportive and out of the way, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. He treats me like an unwanted pimple upon beautiful flesh. He never turns off his captain behavior, and I’m constantly berated “military style”.

Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champaign on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champaign on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast

Battling the Beast
I may be one of the sharpest tools in the tool-shed, but I definitely ain’t one of the strongest. This move has been hell on my heart, mind and soul. I can go from happy to homesick and heartbroken in seconds. I miss my son, my former life, my friends, the Firtrees. I escape in white wine and xanax, and young soldier eye candy, but there really is no escape to my demons. Yesterday I slipped into the black abyss, like an ice-scater, skating on a thin sheet of ice only to fall beneath the icy water…. The Omen style. Luckily, I pulled myself back, and my Hemingway moment lasted a few hours.

I Need a Soldjah… Beonce Style
My brother has started breaking down the law, which is hard because I’m used to living by myself, and being my own boss. Now I live under “Captains Law” and must obey his heavy commands. My brother insists that I cant date any soldiers. He says that no soldier is good enough for me, and that they are NEVER allowed in his house. He goes to the lengths to lecture me about soldiers like I’m a 16-year-old girl. “Ya know Miriam, we are trained killers, and those of us who have seen combat can be abusive” and “I don’t want any holes punched in the walls of my house from some soldier who was really wanting to punch you”. He even does things like finds his own black shoe polish on the kitchen floor and then accuses me of having GI’s over. Shit maybe I shouldn’t have teased him about the soldier hot tub fantasy party. Smack it, Flip it, Rub it down…. OH NO!!!!!! His lectures fucking drive me crazy. For one, he is a hypocrite…. HE IS A SOLDIER! For two, I was married to a navy guy, I know all too well the military mentality, and no thank you very much. I just have a sexual fetish for those damn soldier uniforms. Even my brother looks hot in his… (EWWWW GROSS!) My brother knows about my soldier boy in Iraq, TC. Im trying hard to wait for him, and be supportive and send care packages. Its hard though, because a year is a long time to wait for good sex…. Or is it?

Her mind is Tiffany twisted
She's got the Mercedes Benz
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
She calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget

Mo Money Mo Problems
Then I start getting yelled at and lectured over my money spending. I made the mistake of telling my brother about my income tax return, and he DEMANDED that I invest it. Shit… I’m a girl, I have to spend compulsively sometimes. So, I went and got my hair done, bought some new Dr. Martins and Vans, and took a trip. I also bought some MAC makeup and Victoria Secret bras and panties. I had to spoil myself a little, with my birthday coming up and all. Well, the shit hit the fan then. I’m still in big trouble for that. He took me to some military financial planner and is demanding I put money into a forced savings account. He is also pissed because my cats chewed up a part of his blinds. Now he is all freaking out about the damage my cats and my contraband soldier toyz will do to HIS house. This tension and drama is driving me insane… Cypress Hill style.

Calgon Take Me Away!
I would never thought I would wish someone to leave for Iraq already, but the constant berating and lecturing is making me wish he would go. I suppose this kind of behavior is normal for a soldier about to deploy, but MY GAWD its hard to live with. I’m still wondering if I made the right decision moving down here and all. I want to run back home so badly. But I’m kinda trapped for a bit. I definitely plan on returning by next September, especially so I can welcum home my Stryker soldier. But for now…. Calgon take me away!

Ra Bla Bla Apologies… Apologies
Sorry I haven’t been blogging, I have been working temp jobs, and I don’t have computer access. When I get home im tired and burned out, plus im getting lectured half the night away from “El Captain”. Thank Gawd for xanax and celexa. Anyway, thanks for reading. Mad LOVE to you all.

PS I will be starting my sex blog soon. I’m sure you will know its me. I just want to start it under a new name, so that people who know Vadergrrrl is me, wont know all my sexual exploits. A grrrls gotta have some secrets. Though the bruises on my body are always quite telling. Xxoooo

Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

Hotel California
PPS For those still reading this long winey post, I have been having these reoccurring dreams I wonder about. Its always the same theme. I have this apartment in Oakland California that I have forgotten about. I go back to it, and its waiting for me. Sometimes I have left cats behind, other times its just an empty apartment, that is still mine. I have these dreams about this apartment weekly, its always the same building, and always in Oakland. I don’t know what it means… hence the song “Welcome to the Hotel California”…. “You can NEVER leave!”

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Thou shall not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18

Yeah so Im a bitch and a witch… judge me not for how I live my life. Remember when you point your fingers at me, you have three fucking fingers pointing back at you.

Judge me not for spending money on my hair, my doc martin shoes, or vans…

Or my plane ticket to Minnesota.

I may sleep around

I may act a fool when I drink

But I am 100% real in your face Hollyfield style.

Im so sick of being criticized, critiqued, judged, hung and crucified. Hang a scarlet letter upon my chest, and burn a fucking cross in my yard.

Im single, independent, sharp tongued and WILD AS FUCK.

I think im going to start a sex blog under another name so I care share more of my sexual exploits. Too many know that Vadergrrrl is me. I really don’t give a fuck what Ya’ll think of me, but I don’t want any repercussions for being the raw, crazy ass BITCH that I am.

Peace, Love and Humptiness For-EVAH

What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out


If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business

Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...

I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business

(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)


How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone

Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business


So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job

Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again

What'll we get for ten dollars?
Every 'ting you want
Ooh! Don't do that, baby! Ahh!
Hold on this! Oh, sock it to me! Aaahh!

Chorus (repeated during breakdowns):

Ahh! Me so horny!
Me love you long time!

Verse 1: [Brother Marquis]
Sittin' at home with my dick on hard
So I got the black book for a freak to call
Picked up the telephone, then dialed the 7 digits
Said, "Yo, this Marquis, baby! Are you down with it?"
I arrived at her house, knocked on the doo
rNot having no idea of what the night had in store
I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny


Verse 2: [Fresh Kid Ice]
Girls always ask me why I fuck so much
I say "What's wrong, baby doll, with a quick nut?"
'Cause you're the one, and you shouldn't be mad
I won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad
I know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Won't your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
I'm a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, 'cause me so horny


Verse 3: [Brother Marquis]
You can say I'm desperate, even call me perverted
But you say I'm a dog when I leave you fucked and deserted
I'll play with your heart just like it's a game
I'll be blowing your mind while you're blowing my brains
I'm just like that man they call Georgie Puddin' Pie
I fuck all the girls and I make 'em cry
I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny.


Ahh! Hold on this! Oh, sock it to me!


Verse 4: [Fresh Kid Ice]
It's true, you were a virgin until you met me
I was the first to make you hot and wetty-wetty
You tell your parents that we're goin' out
Never to the movies, just straight to my house
You said it yourself, you like it like I do
Put your lips on my dick, and suck my asshole too
I'm a freak in heat, a dog without warning
My appetite is sex, 'cause me so horny


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