"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Vaders Wild Fetish Trip to Fantasy Island... with surprise guests...

In the late 70’s early 80’s Vader used to love Fantasy Island. I used to watch it every day on my black and white bunny eared tv when it was in syndication. (For some reason it reminds me sleeping in summertime and feasting on top raumen noodles). Now for those that need a reminder here is a G rated quickie. Fantasy Island is an exclusive tropical island visited by guests who pay $50,000 to fulfill their fantasy. Mr. Roarke (Ricardo Montalban) is the cool, mysterious mastermind of all fantasies and Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) is his diminutive, affable assistant. At the beginning of every episode, Tattoo rushes up the tower of the main cottage, rings the bell and shouts "The plane! The plane!" to announce that guests are about to land. Mr. Roarke then toasts the new arrivals with "My dear guests, I am Mr. Roarke your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island!" This was a great show which also always featured an element of danger, or a twist of fate, with everything always working out for the best. Thinking about this phenomenal TV show triggered a realization in me… Vader needs a vacation. Specifically, Vader needs a fetish/fantasy vacation to Fantasy Island.

HERE download theme song for full effect.


Disclaimer
Since Fantasy Island is an elusive tropical island somewhere outside of the US, all laws are suspended. Fantasy law is in full effect. This means all relationships cease to exist. No one is married, has kids, has problems, or any attachment to their “normal” life. The island represents a paradise of fantasy and imagination.

Da Plane...Da Plane
While on the plane, I am sad realizing that my life is changing. My son no longer lives with me, I need to move and find a better job, and I’m basically in a state of flux. Luckily, the small engine plane has a full bar and a Hooters waitress happily pouring drinks. Soon I forget my problems and concentrate on my upcoming adventure. I notice the other passengers on the plane. They include some famous stars! Mauren McCormick, Don Knotts, Bill Bixby and Rob Van Winkle are also quests on this trip. None of us speak on the plane, as we know we are in for the adventure of our lifetime.

Vader gets Laid
The plane lands in paradise. I hear the bell ringing in the background as Tattoo has alerted our arrival. A beautiful Hawaiian girl places lays on us (whooo hooo Vader got laid), and we congregate around a young and viral Mr. Roarke. He gives us all a glass of red wine… and with his sexy and suave accent he toasts and welcomes us to “Fantasy Island”.

Party Cabana
I’m escorted by to my cabana. It overlooks the ocean and has blossoming flowers all around. Inside my cabana I find all sorts of party favors of my choosing. Coke, X, Alaska Thunder Fuck ganja and excellent hashish. Plus a fully stocked liquor cabinet. I pop a hit of X and poor myself some red wine. My cabana is also equipped with expensive lingerie, beautiful evening gowns, a heart shaped Jacuzzi and a black velvet chest. Inside the chest I find bondage gear, vinyl, leather, chaps, whips, cock rings, vibrators, handcuffs, and a love swing. I’m not sure what Mr. Roarke has in store for me, but he sure has done his research.

Dinner with Roarke
I shower and change into a sparkling spaghetti strapped gold mini dress. I accentuate this with fishnet stalking thigh high boots, no bra and my tattoos blazing. At dinner, Mr. Roarke and I attend a private feast over looking a beautiful waterfall. I discover the other guests fantasies, though I am told I will not be seeing them. Maureen McCormick wants to be a beauty queen. Bill Bixby’s fantasy is too play dress up as a oversized green superhero. Don Knotts wants to live life as a 70’s apartment manager that houses swingers. Rob Van Winkle, well, I guess that idiot wants to be a rock star. Mr. Roarke take me by the hand, gazes into my eyes and says “Vader its time to live for you…. This is your weekend, let us fulfil your deepest fantasies”. I melt like butter (remember he is a younger in this fantasy….in his day he was HOT).

Vader Goes Behind the Green Door
I’m then blindfolded and taken to a back room. I feel very soft hands leading me to some sort of stockade. Here I my hands are tied to posts and I am striped nekkid. The soft hands begin to softly caress my body, rubbing and stroking me in all sorts of sensual places. Right as I’m feeling really good, I feel a sharp sting. Whap! I’m being whipped and a male voice is telling me I have been a very, very bad girl. In between spankings, some very soft hands continue to provide pleasure. Fingers merge with tongues, toys and other body parts. |I’m definitely livin Behind the Green Door style. After I have been brought to the edge of heaven several times and back, the soft hands remove the mask. There stands Glen Danzig holding the whip. (I wondered why I heard the song Mother playing in the background). The soft hands belonged to Nina Hartley and Angelina Jolie. In the back directing this session is Ron Jeremey and Shirley Shave(now a successful author and Hollywood mover and shaker).

My Fantasy Dates
But the best is yet to come. From out behind velvet curtains emerge Bobba Fett and Darth Maul. I am told they are to be my dates for a Stanley Kubrick style Eyes Wide Shut party. Bobba Fett and Darth Maul take off their masks to reveal they are really Dirk Diggler and Jesse James from Monster Garage. Mmmmmmm. Vader is very happy. As we are about to leave I hear the snap of a whip. Out walks Halle Berry as Catwoman, she informs she is going with us. “Now it’s a real party” I think to myself.

Slide, Slide, Slippidy Slide
We ride in a limousine drinking wine and cuddling and rubbing on each other. (The ecstasy has taken full effect on Vader). Once we arrive upon the mansion out in the middle of no where, some creepy guy in a weird mask takes our cloaks and leads us to the door. I’m so high… I don’t care what happens next. Inside awaits some sick and twisted Blogger fantasy party…. And everyone is there.

Brent, The Deputy, The Bouncer Rob and Texas Jack nod as we enter, I guess they are acting as security. “Now I feel real safe” I laugh to myself. I notice Don Knotts standing around whispering to Texas Jack. Dang....they look identical, except Texas Jack is wearing a leopard print scarf and Don has on Tiger stripes.

We enter a room with a giant stage and groups of people standing around in costume. On stage is a performance by the SEXY TOMATOES; which includes Debra the Goddess,PUNK ASS BITCH,Tricia aka Demon Queen,Jenn ,Jamie,Tease,VarlaandCelti. I guess they are doing some sort of bondage, safe sex, S&M show. The Dave,Dastard,andJP are all handcuffed and blindfolded on stage being disciplined by the Tomatoes. Tattoo has also been handcuffed and brought on stage. Demon Queen strips him nude and spanks him. Its quite a show.

My Blogmaster Big Daddy Jamesis at the party drinking beer and surrounded by Hooters girls. They are heading to a back room for Big Daddy style special lovin!

Angi is celebrating Savannah’s successful surgery in the back corner.

Dozer, Becker, Kev, Roger, E-Lo,Crayon,K,Angela,Kat,Yoli,Pup,Aimee,Boo,Regan,Kate,Ren,Victoria,Joe Blogs,Uncle Shoe, Inanna,Tara,Phipps,Greg,SugarV,Barrie,MmmmBacon,Catt,Roger, Cali,Seth,Flat Line Girl,Gsusking,Jake the Lad,Wendy,Janelle,Collin,DChamp Dave,Seth,Sinsulita and Navy Marc are all dancing the Electric Slide with Ron Jeremey, Bill Bixby, Vanilla Ice and Marsha Brady in the adjoining room on the disco dance floor. They summons me to join the party. Flashing back to drunk nights on a Bremerton dance floor, I partake for a few moves. After dirty dancin with Marsha B, I see my dates are getting jealous. I decide to continue to explore the party and leave the boogie dancers on the disco floor. While leaving I notice another line dancer. Johnny5is dancing in the mix claiming his eyes are really squinty from the bright lighting (the room is lit by black and red lights) but you know he is really stoned out of his mind.

Cooter is having a ball in full on archeologist costume with 2 twenty something boy toys…. (Her neck is full of hickeys too).

Mick, Tragic Saturn,Magik Grl,Dark Angel,and Jadeare all reading poetry with Won. They are all really, really happy too.

Make Mine Mike,John,andVader's love bunny jack are discussing making some kind of hollywood movie. You overhear that it is something involving whip cream, bondage, sex and John Travolta. Damn those three are MONEY. (and dare I say really fucking HOT too!)

Big sexy ass Jay who Vader really LOVESis dressed full on like Hugh Hefner. Vader wonders if she can catch a glimpse of Big Jay underneath his expensive robe. Obviously this question is also on the mind of FleeceandLeeseas they are asking him for quick peeks. Damn JayJay is even sexier in person. With a clap of his hands Fonzie style, Jay takes command of the party. Everyone follows his lead...(damnit Jay, you have control even in my fantasy! Grrrrrr)

Maddy is having fun but watching from the couch and reminding me that she will hold my hair if I get sick from too much alcohol. (thanks Mom).

Sloth is wearing very expensive red shoes with jeans and passing out political flyers. Claiming she came alone, she has every guy in the place wanting to ask her to dance.

Lovisa and Gooch are mud wrestling…. Or is it jello wrestling? Its quite fun to watch.

The Man Todd Vodkais drunk out of his mind off something hidden by a paper sack. (Malt Liqour perhaps)He is dressed as Side Show Bob and muttering something about “killing Bart Simpson”. In between that he shoots glares at Jay and demands that we all call him "crotchshot". -silly, silly boy.

Johnnie Walker and The NotCuredYet SEX ADDICT are getting busy in one of the back rooms with a bunch of Eyes Wide Shut sex party wimmins. (Johnnie will later write a post about his exploits in graphic and tantilizing detail)

El Sid is dancing to the Cure and passing around a really big joint.

Trashman is getting tattooed in a very sensitive and private place. He claims this is actually a “touch up”. Naughty, naughty.

The soldiers are free from duty on Fantasy Island. Home are Sean,CB, Sgt Hook, American Soldier and JayBob. You don’t see them however, because here they get the special “Hero” treatment which means special presidential suites and unlimited hours of fantasy galore.

I see Jenny slow dancing to Brian Adams “Heaven” with her husband. He is back from Korea and in her arms. Boy are they in love.

David has hooked up a few computers and is playing Star Wars Galaxy with Vader's Sex God Jas ,Tib and Karnes. Damn boys put the computers away,your at a party here!

I love playing on Fantasy Island. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Now its time to take some bloggers back to the cabana for S&M and hottubbing. Maybe I can share Dirk Diggler, Jessie James and Halle Berry? Or maybe I will be selfish and have a private party? Hrmmmmm. Who know….. its my fantasy!

Whap!


Welcome to Fantasy Island Bloggerland. Do as you all please.

*you all are invited even if I neglected to mention you in this post. You know I Love you ALL.... but Vader is very tired from putting in all these links... (a lot of work)

xxxxoooooooooooooo

***Update for you!
After dancing the electric slide with the party bunch, I spot DchampDave leaving the dance floor with Julie McCoy from love boat. (I guess he is taking a future trip?) Julie is in Dominatrix mode, with a leather whip, full on leather chaps, and what? it looks like some other x-rated toys. Lucky Dave.... leaves Fantasy Island for a trip to the Love Boat with Julie McCoy.




Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Thank you Big Daddy James.... You are the Blog Master

Vader has a new Master.... Big Daddy James, the American Blogger and Ultimate Blog Master. I bow to you.....

Thank you for fixing up this site. Vader is now your slave. xxxxxxxxooooooo

and... since its late, here is a quick quiz to confirm that yes, Vader is a Bitch. A Bettie Page Bondage Bitch. Whap!

Nite All


You're Whip Bettie. You're definitely on the
masochistic side. You like to sport dark colors
and especially black vinyl. Pain is
beauty...and well SEXY! Many see you as a
bitch, but that's okay, you can't always be
around to say thank you :)


Which Bettie Page Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Everything I needed to know about High School I learned from Fast Times

80's Teenager Hell
Being a teenager in the 80’s wasn’t all that easy. Come on now, we had Reagonomics, Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No to Drugs”, Neon, Glam Rock, Boy George, synthesizer everything, really weird hairstyles, and oh yes… AIDS. It wasn’t like the free lovin Rod Stewart 70’s, where you could fuck anything and everything. We lived in fear; fear of AIDS, fear of nuclear war, fear or a bad hair day, and fear of “drugs”. These were some strange days. Luckily, we had Cameron Crowe’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High to teach us the rules of survival.

Cable TV and the Discovery
The first time I saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High I must have been in junior high school. Though it came out in 82, it was an R movie, and I never would have been allowed to watch it in the theater. Thank God for cable TV. In the mid 80’s cable was the newest shizat on the planet, and once installed in our neck of the woods, we all got it. This included ShowTime, HBO and skinamax. On one or all of those channels I was first exposed to R movies. This is how I saw Fast Times, the Blue Lagoon, Last American Virgin, Porkys and a bunch of other teenage R movies.

Fast Times had the most impact on me. It’s a movie I have seen probably over 100 times, and I learned a lot about myself, and teenager life from this cult classic.

Beware of Ron Johnson
For example, watch out for older stereo-salesmen types named Ron Johson; they will steal your virginity. Though as you may have read from an earlier post dedicated to Ron Johnson, I learned this lesson the hard way. My guy was older, yes, not named Ron Johnson, but a car salesman none the less. My guy also knew I was under 18, but proceeded to get me drunk and take my cherry anyway. Though my guy didn’t take me to “the point”, he instead took me to a classier location; the bedroom of a local drummer who conveniently was gone for the evening. Ah yes, watch for those older age salesman types…. They will take your innocence and run.

Use Caution with Mike Damone
Another lesson learned from Fast Times; beware of Mike Damones; the friend of the nice guy, who seems all smooth and knowledgeable. They too are only interested in cheap sex. Damone types talk the talk, but when it comes to performance, they do the ol “in out, in out” for about two seconds. Then, after their short and disappointing performance, they have the nerve to ask you if you came! These guys also basically only screw you to get their friends girl, then they run quick and tell your once guy that you are “a very aggressive girl”. Damone types also get you pregnant off the two second rendezvous… then they ditch out when its time to help pay for the abortion. Personally, I never fell for a Damone type, sure I may have slept with a few two minute wonders, but it seems most guys in high school where like that anyway.

Always have a super cool chick like Linda on your side
When in High School if possible, hook up with a good girl friend like Linda. She can teach you how to give a crappy blowjob in the high school cafeteria with a carrot. She can also teach you other great things about sex, like how much cum comes out of a male and when is the best time to orgasm with your mate. Linda is also fiercely protective, you fuck with her friend, and she will seek revenge. Like spraypainting “little prick” on the guy’s car and locker who fucks you over. She also is good at giving you a reality check with it comes to romance. “Stace… you want romance in Ridgemont? We cant even get cable TV here.”

Embrace the Mark Ratner types
Another important high school lesson; don’t blow off the nice guy Mark Ratner types. These guys are generally shy and average looking, but will blossom into a real catch if you stay with them. They are the types that visit you when you work at the photo booth, buying 50 dollars worth of film, and never even owning a camera. These types will take you out to an expensive meal, and then when you try to seduce them, will shy away and make an excuse to leave. These are nice boys, who don’t move fast. These types really, really like you and if you date them for a year, they will still honor your virtue.

Here are some other tips learned from this masterful movie.

1. When teachers pass out test papers you can sniff them and get high.
2. There is no eating. E-A-T-I-N-G in Mr. Hand’s class
3. You can cheat on tests by writing the answers on your Risky Business shades, sitting next to a left handed student, or writing them on your thigh and pulling up your mini skirt.
4. When your really high, bang checker Vans across your skull for effect
5. Mr. Vargas is cranky when on Sanka coffee (80’s decaffeinated coffee)
6. Cultivating the Pat Benetar look is very cool. (headband, hot pants, leg warmers, stripes, and short hair)
7. When having sex for the first time (or second time) always listen to Jackson Browne (song "Somebody's Baby")
8. When trying to make a move on a girl on a date, always put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
9. People on Ludes should not drive!
10. If you do crash the football star’s car while out joyriding, make it look like it was vandalized by the opposing team prior to a football game. This will get you in the clear, and help the school win the game.
11. Damone’s 5 point plan is the law when it comes to dating
12. Always lock the door to the bathroom when masturbating and there is company over
13. When sneaking to get an abortion, and pretending to go bowling, make sure your brother is out of site BEFORE you saunter over to the abortion clinic
14. When you work fast food, never tell a customer you are going to “kick 100 percent of their ass”
15. No shirt, no shoes… no dice. Learn it, live it, know it!


My favorite Guys
I could go on, and on with the wisdom I learned from that wounderful and glorious film. Each time I watch it, I learn a new leasson. The characters in the film are amazing. One character that sneaks in almost un-noticed is Brad’s Bud, played by Nicholas Cage. He has a couple scenes; like when he slaps high five with Brad after he pulls into the high school parking lot in the cruising vessel. Nick can also be seen wussing out, when Brad gets fired. Nick offers no help to Brad, and simply looks down while flipping burgers, as Brad has the altercation with the angry customer. Another character I love is Jeff Spicolli’s little brother Curtis. He can be seen coming into Jeff’s bedroom waking him up , or warning him about Mr. Hand. Curtis calls Jeff a “buttwhole” and a “booger” and then when Jeff throws a checkered Van at him he winches and screams “Dad! Jeff threw his shoe at me!”. Classic little brother scene.

Fast Times also has one of the best cast ensembles in history. Here are some of the more memorable actors.

Sean Penn .... Jeff Spicoli
Jennifer Jason Leigh .... Stacy Hamilton
Judge Reinhold .... Brad Hamilton
Phoebe Cates .... Linda Barrett
Forest Whitaker .... Charles Jefferson
Eric Stoltz .... Stoner Bud
Nicolas Cage .... Brad's Bud (as Nicolas Coppola)
Anthony Edwards .... Stoner Bud
Pamela Springsteen (yup related to Bruce).... Dina Phillips


Memorable Quotes from
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)


Mike Damone : I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner : Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone : That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark Ratner : The attitude?
Mike Damone : Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

Mike Damone : Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?

Mike Damone : I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.

Mike Damone : You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.

[The "five-point plan"]
Mike Damone : First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Jeff Spicoli : All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Jeff Spicoli : [driving and stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.

[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
Jefferson's Brother : My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli : Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother : My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli : Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother : First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli : Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

Jeff Spicoli : No shirt, no shoes...
Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton : Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
[Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe]
Jeff Spicoli : That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

Stacy Hamilton : When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett : A quart or so.

Businessman : It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad Hamilton : Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!

Mike Damone : I think I just came... didn't you feel it?

Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you have to get up
Jeff Spicoli : LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Jeff Spicoli : LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

Mr. Hand : What are you, people? On dope?

Mike Damone : I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.

Jeff Spicoli : Hey, you're ripping my card.
Mr. Hand : Yes.
Jeff Spicoli : Hey bud what's your problem?
Mr. Hand : No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Jeff Spicoli : [stunned] You dick!

[A science class is visiting the morgue]
Science Teacher: Are you in my class?
Jeff Spicoli : I am today.

[Stacy Hamilton exits the abortion-clinic building]
Brad Hamilton : Since when do you go bowling?

[first lines]
Perry's Pizza Waitress: Linda, Linda, there he is. There's that guy from the stereo store. Don't you think he looks like Richard Gere?
Linda Barrett : Did you see his cute little butt?

[last lines]
Jeff Spicoli : Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!


Some Fast Times Trivia:

Follows a group of high school students growing up in southern California, based on the real-life adventures chronicled by Cameron Crowe. Stacy Hamilton and Mark Ratner are looking for a love interest, and are helped along by their older classmates, Linda Barrett and Mike Damone, respectively. The center of the film is held by Jeff Spicoli, a perpetually stoned surfer dude who faces off with the resolute Mr. Hand, who is convinced that everyone is on dope.

Nicolas Cage appears under the name Nicolas Coppola for the first and only time.

When Stacy and Ron Johnson end up going to "the point", the words "The Cinch" are spray-painted on the wall. The group that plays the last dance of the year is called Reeves Nevo and The Cinch.

Cameo: [Nancy Wilson] wife of writer Cameron Crowe and Heart band member appears as the woman in the car beside Brad's, laughing at his pirate costume.

The role of Mr. Hand was originally offered to Fred Gwynne who turned it down due to his objections over the tone of the sexual content in the film.

Andy Rathbone was the student that Cameron Crowe based Mark "Rat" Ratner on. He became famous in his own write for creating the "for Dummies" help books series

It was filmed at Van Nuys High School in Van Nuys, California

The mascot of Ridgemont High is the wolf, which is the same mascot of Van Nuys High School, where most of the school scenes were shot.

The book Arnold's holding while betting on the football game is "Childhood's End" by Arthur C. Clarke.

The scene where Linda teaches Stacy the finer points of how to give a man oral sex was originally supposed to take place in a hot tub with both girls naked. However, in order to avoid an "X" rating, the scene was changed to the school cafeteria.

Cameron Crowe wrote the screenplay based on his book. He wrote the book after posing as a student at his old high school to see how student life had changed.

Stacy works at Perry's Pizza. Jennifer Jason Leigh actually worked at Perry's Pizza before she got the role of Stacy Hamilton.

Cameo: [Cameron Crowe] one of the students in Mr. Hand's class. He can be seen in the back row as Mr. Hand returns the student's papers. Crowe is one of the many who receive an "F".

David Lynch was originally offered the chance to direct before Amy Heckerling was chosen. He turned it down saying it was a funny script, but not really his thing.

In the scene where Ratner is getting dating advice from Damone in Damone's bedroom, Ratner is wearing a T-shirt for the movie, Popeye (1980).



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