"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Now Whos the Rock Star?

Warning: name dropping, nudity, and adult content. Adult discretion advised.

The Truth Be Told
I’m not gonna lie to you all, I used to be a marijuana activist. I am a pot smoker and I’m not ashamed of it. I believe what we do in the freedom of our home should be protected. I believe patents who are sick and dying with cancer, aids and other medical problems should have safe access to this healing herb. I believe cannabis to be like grapes or hops, a plant with many strains with different effects and potencies. I believe marijuana to be an herb that has medicinal properties that can treat conditions, and is most effective with nausea and wasting away syndrome.

Spearhead Tour
I’m gonna tell you all about a story, a time when I toured with the band Spearhead. At this time, I was working heavily with Cannabis Action Network, an activist group based out of Berkeley, Calif. Michael Franti and his band spearhead where to be performing a 420 tour in the Bay Area, and wanted representation about the cause. I was asked if I would represent CAN for the tour. Happily and honored I accepted.

Activist Table Fun
If you have never tabled for an activist group it is an experience in itself. It involves loading and unloading this big ass plastic box around that is filled to the brim with political information; and of course you also lug around card table. Political information includes petitions, voter registration forms, flyers, handouts, and business cards. You also sell hemp products (wallets, hackey stacks, etc) to make a little cash. You set up your little display with loving pride, and then hang out and educate people about the cause.

Stonters in Santa Cruz
Our first show was Santa Cruz. I was working a paid gig at the Berkeley Patients Group at the time and my cowerker, Santa Cruz boy, decided he would table with me for the event. We set up our table in this small venue that was near the stage. We were next to the usual tabelers; some tree huggers and PETA. We had gotten hits of pure ecstasy, that we dediced we were going to take before the show. Music can best be experienced high.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
The show was amazing, we had a great view from our table and Michael Franti never ceases to amaze. Peaking on X, I danced to the music like a flower child, and felt one with the spirit and grove of the show. Micheal Franti says “We have a surprise musician” and out comes Woody Harrelson playing some bongo type drum. It was fucking amazing, tripping on X, watching an incredible band, feeling the groove, and seeing Woody Harrelson up close.

Do you want to come Backstage?
After the performance, the band manager came up to our table as we were packing up to leave. She asks“would you like to come back stage”? Well, being as I have had rock star friends in my past, the whole back stage scene to me isn’t all that glamorous. The whole groopie kiss ass thing gets really old an annoying. Although I did want to talk to Woody and Michael Franti. Of course, I knew they were really asking us backstage for our connections…pot connections. We were, of course, the pot table! Luckily Santa Cruz boy came prepared; having 3 glass pipes in his backpack, and some amazing bubbleberry medicine. I had a bag of blonde hash, given to me by a grower, hanging out in my purse.

Lets Get Nekkid!

We get backstage to this small, old theater type room. When we get there it is Woody, Michael, other band members (I think) and some girls in between the mix like opposing colored checkers. Everyone was in that “after the show” high. Santa Cruz boy whips out the pipes and the really good medicine and starts passing them around in opposite directions. The performers are doing their after show comedown routiene, and happily smoking our treasures. Stoned someone says ”lets get naked.” I’m thinking to myself, " HELL...NO....I’m no groupie here, I’m not getting naked". The groopie girls take off their pants and panties and sit naked next to Woody and Michael. Micheal also gets naked. Woody strips to these Marky Mark like tighty whities.

Now whos the Rock Star?
I’m thinking, "Okay time to get out of here..NOW". I have more self-respect than to act like an ass, especially if I am tryinig to leave an impression. Quick thinking, I pull out my bag of hash and hand it to Woody. He takes it with a big sexy grin, and says “Is this for me”. Having a sexual energy impossible to resist, I look deeply into his eyes and reply “Yeah baby…. That is for you”.

Book like a Librarian
Knowing its best to make an impression and leave, I lightly tap Santa Cruz boy on his leg. He collects his pipes and we get up and leave.

We said to ourselves, "That is how you do it. Make an impression and go. Now who is the rockstar?"

To be continued. Next venue, Pentaluma, CA.

Giving up any anonymity, I am going to post a link to videos I used to do for PotTV. Enjoy

Rebel Alliance

Here are some other links to groups Ive been affiliated with



Ed Rosenthal

oakland cbc

A small sample of archived articles
Article one
Articla two

high times


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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Like a hobo I was born to walk alone, An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time... Here I go Again

Who needs love when you’ve got a gun?Black Flag

If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking you and beat love down.-William Shakespeare

Black Love
Ive seen love in the eyes of others
Beautiful and captivating
Giving hope

My heart has experienced sharp
that always goes away
Like an outcast Christmas tree
All pomp and circumstance
Thown out

Im left alone again
vadergrrrl 7/04

Last night I dreamt somebody loved me: no hope ---no harm just another false alarm
-The Smiths “Strange ways, Here We Come”

If two people love each other,, there can be no happy ending to itErnest Hemingway

Is This for Real?
Sometimes Im not sure whether I believe in love. Maybe Im a cynic, maybe Ive been burned…. I really don’t know. I’m not looking for love, in fact, not at all. I also question whether I have ever really been in love. Yes, I’ve been married and divorced, lived with a guy, had two marriage proposals and two promise rings… but….. it all seems so cheap, and wishy washy, so plastic. Most of the time, I have done the ending. Maybe its easier this way, or maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch. When things get tense, and filled with drama…. I leave.

Walking Wounded
Except for one time. The one I lived with for a while, who I felt a love for like no other. When things got to intense, I left him, then I came back and….he left me. The pain cut through me like a cutlery knife. I re-joined the wanderings of the walking wounded. The sad thing is, he almost killed me… the reason I first left him.

To the Moon Alice….He Snapped
One day he snapped, threw me to the ground punching me and chocking me. Telling me with fiery demon eyes that he was going to kill me. I cried and begged for my life…..“Please don’t kill me, I love you”. After a bit, like the end of a storm, he stopped, gained composure… then let out a cry like a wounded animal. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. Blood oozed out, all over my body. I took a long hot bath, and silently sobbed. He waited outside the door, telling me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and crying like a broken country record. When I got out of the bath, he was there, waiting with a tear stained face, and asking to hold me. I felt so broken; my heart was dead, and in little pieces. I was limp like a rag doll, and void as a zombie. I fell into his arms and let him “make love” to me.

I left him soon after that by moving across two states. We kept in touch, but moved on, I found another boy who wanted to marry me. Still, I craved him, dreamed of him, and had a hunger for him like no other. As sick as it sounds, I wanted him back, and loved him deeply, in some black and twisted way. We kept in touch, I sent him a few nude photos, he visited me a few times and we had amazing sex.

Cycle of Pain
A year later I moved back to Calif and into his house. We spent a few blissful months together, then, he left me. I remember a hot summer night, and him taking me out to dinner at some beachfront restaurant. He told me there was another. Tears ran down my face like rain. I recall the waiter, this cute blond boy, looking at me with compassion and empathy. I wanted to thank him, but I had to look away…..

Fizzel and Pop
That was six years ago, and I still have not known love like that. With my last boyfriend, yes there was that tingling magic kinda sparkle, but that faded fast with drama and jealousy. Once my heart turns cold, there is no recovering.

JellyBean Boom
If love is about pain and abuse, I don’t want any part of it again. I also question myself, and how I could love someone who tried to kill me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Until I figure this shit out, I’m happy being a lone, with my cats, and my son, and my vibrator and my fuck buddies/boy toys. My kind of love hurts, kills, and opens the floodgate for all sorts of psychosis. I don’t know if I ever want to feel that vulnerable again.

I met a young man who was wounded in love, I met another man who was wounded in hatredBoy Dylan

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it - Douglas Yates

Love is 2 minutes and 52 seconds of squelching noisesJohnny Rotten

I believe love to be hurtful to society, and to the individual happiness of men. I believe, in short, that love does more harm than good Napoleon Bonaparte

Sappy Sing Along Time
Okay and on a lighter note…. Here is a song that always helps me feel better. Go ahead, sing along if you like.

I don’t know where I’m going
But, I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

I’m just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love’s sweet charity
An’ I’m gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Those icy fingers up and down my spine..The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.. Sex Magick

That old black magic has me in it’s spell,
That old black magic that you weave so well
Those icy fingers up and down my spine,
The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine,
The same old tingle that I feel inside
And then that elevator starts it’s slide,
Down and down I go,
Round and round I go,
Like a leaf that’s caught in the tide.
I should stay away but what can I do,
I hear your name, and I’m aflame,
A flame with such a burning desire,
That only your kiss can put out the fire.
’cause you’re the lover I have waited for,
The mate that fate had me created for,
And every time you lips meet mine,
Darling, down and down I go,
Round and round I go,
In that spin of love that I am in,
Under that old black of love
-Frank Sinatra “Black Magic”

The Magick of Good Sex
Sexual energy is very powerful, and when combined with a like mind it can be magick! Have you ever lit candles, put on music such as Nine Inch Nails, Skinny Puppy or Marilyn Manson and unleashed yourself with your partner to the mysterious and magickal world of uninhibited, passionate and sacred sex? Its like that feeling you get during and after sex, like there truly is magick, or a sacred bond that culminates in a magical and oh so sacred orgasm.

Sex Magick...ooooooh Tantric Sex
Sex magick, also called tantric sex, is basically having sex in a powerful, and animal like way, so that you and your partner connect in spirit, mind and body, and create not only fucking sex, but some sort of powerful, out of body magick. Pagans believed sex to be sacred and powerful, and there are traditions of sexual sabbats and wild orgies where they would experience the power of sex magick. In modern times, these traditions continue, whether it be alone, in a group or with a partner. You don’t have to be pagan or witchy to experience sex magick. You can be Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or whatever. Basically you need to drop all inhibition, shame, hang ups, and fears, and unleash your inner animal, and allow yourself to go wild, and experience the fiery passion of spiritual sex. Once you let go, and totally connect your spirit, you can achieve the most out of body orgasm and connection you have ever known… voila…. Sex magick.

Crowley, Aleister Edward (1875-1947)
British occultist and magician, who described himself as the 'Beast of the Apocalypse' and was called by the media 'The Wickedest Man in the World'. Crowley both infuriated and fascinated people with his rites of sex magic and blood sacrifice. Despite his excesses some regard him as one of the most brilliant magicians of modern times.

Here is some information I found on Sex Magic from the internet.

Sex Magick is a powerful tool to get what you want, but it can also be misunderstood and misused because it may be seen as nothing more than porno when in fact it is a beautiful act two people can share together or it can be performed alone, in a group or even symbolically. Sex magick is performed not as a form of 'sleazy' sex , but as a tool to raise the energies of a person or two people to perform a ritual. Sex amongst pagans is believed to be a celebration of the bodies of both man and woman, god and goddess, natural and open, something beautiful. It can be performed to symbolize the god and goddess or to bring two people together. I must confess, I have not been blessed with a willing partner and therefore I can only relate what I have learned. I believe that sex magick can be an erotic form of sex and a powerful tool to get what you want and it is the least manipulative of spell craft since both partners are fully aware and synchronized to agree and know what is going on. And, I believe it can have a powerful hold on the two people involved. How many of you can perform while maintaining eye contact and focus throughout the act? It leaves one open and vulnerable and this is why it is the most difficult to maintain throughout the act.
Beltane is the most obvious sexual time of celebration, the traditional Maypole is itself an obvious phallic symbol. Sex is seen as a gift, a pleasure given to us from the god and goddess. To fully understand and appreciate sex magick one must shed all Christian fundamentalist principles that tend to leave one with repressive guilt and shame. Sex magick rituals are most suitable for the Beltane sabbot.

Aleister Crowley suggests that when performing sex magick the woman must be submissive and the vessel for the man. I don`t know how you feel about this in this day and age, but this may work well for some spells. It may be useful for the woman to try to retain the energy for as long as possible before submitting. It may be useful for some rituals for the man to shape shift into an animal.
I the dog, she the bitch,
I the helve, she the axe
I the cock, she the hen,
That, that I desire

(gypsy sex magick chant)
There are three kinds of sex magick:
Monofocal - Focus is on one. This can be done through symbolism or self masturbation or assistance by another or even a group. This solitary method is good for divination purposes. You can alter your state of consciousness or work with a sigil in mind. If you are assisted by another for divination purposes this is called eroto-comatose lucidity (ECL).

Duofocal - Focus on two. This is performed with two partners. Love is important for this focus, but don`t get this confused with the romantic kind of love. As Aleister Crowley states, "love is the law, love under will" . The purpose of this is to unite two opposites, for example : the man and woman, magnetic and electric, yin and yang.
"love is most nearly itself when here and now cease to matter"
Polyfocul - Focus on many, a group with one, a leader to guide the energy to serve a purpose. This form of sex magick is not meant to be an orgy, but it is sex with multiple partners at one time for the purpose of raising energies and being guided by a leader. The guide`s purpose is to organize and direct the energies.
What to do before performing sex magick:
for one person
1. decide what your energy raised will be for. What spell to perform, what sigil you will concentrate on, what chant, etc.
2. bathe in salt water.
3. gather your appropriate color candles, herbs, incense, etc.
4. make sure you will not be disturbed
5. center yourself
6. cast your circle

for two people:
1.find a loving space
2.cast a circle
3.ground, center
4 begin with anointing each other with appropriate oils
5.incense appropriate to the spell, candle colors, herbs, etc
6.eye contact is started and maintained
7. rhythmic breathing
8. rhythmic movement
There are several ways two people can raise energies together for spell work

1.eye contact -focus, releasing egos,vulnerability is strength, openness is power,losing control is the freedom to feel and be
2.synchronized breathing - hypnotic state
3.synchronized movement - hypnotic state
4.rhythmic stroking - again inducing hypnotic state
5.anointing each other with specific oils for the spell
7.synchronized chanting
8.flagellation- if both agree
To raise energies alone with symbols

8.crystal ball
9.menstrual blood
10.the moon
11.silver and gold

Here is some information on Tantric Sex

What is "Primal Power" Tantric Sex?
"Primal power" is basically a modern "buzzword" for traditional forms. Obviously, we feel ours is "the best", although we admire most others, and offer supplies for, all other methods.
Amongst ourselves, we personally just refer to it as tantra, or tantric sex-yoga (see tantric yoga-tantra yoga ) (although those terms cover many other types).
Among many other things, it teaches sexual interaction that has MAJOR benefits for both partners - including greatly enhanced sexual pleasure and "energy rush".
The Major Benefits:
1. Males can delay orgasm indefinitely & make love as long as both partners desire;
2. Females can have virtually unending orgasms;
3. Males can share and "virtually experience" their partner's orgasms, as their own.
4. Males experience a post-orgasm energy boost, rather than the typical energy drain;
5. Greatly enhanced intimacy;
6. Ecstatic "high" from the continued buildup of orgasmic energy and meditation-like aspects

What is Tantric Sex? On transforming the act of sex into a sacrament of love and spiritual union.
Tantric sex is meditative, spontaneous and very intimate lovemaking. You learn to prolong the act of making love and to focus on, rather than dispel, potent orgasmic energies moving through you, thereby raising the level of your consciousness. Tantra transports sexuality from simply doing to actually being. There is no end goal in Tantric sex, only the present moment of an ideal, harmonious union. Tantra teaches you to worship your sexual partner and to transform the act of sex into a sacrament of love. Lovemaking between two partners, when entered with awareness, can be a gateway to sexual and spiritual ecstasy alike. Tantric sex attempts to awaken powerful psychic energies within through which we can enter into higher states of consciousness.

And some Quizilla fun, to lighten to mood


You should have sex with EEYORE!
eating thistles and living underneath a pile of
sticks is your dream come true, then Eeyore is
the perfect cartoon character partner.
you lay him right, maybe he won't be so gloomy.

(completed ) Which cartoon character should you have sex with?
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My outercourse activity is dry humping!

Which Sexual Outercourse Act Are You? (with pictures)
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