Everything I ever need to know about sex I learned from Nina Hartley and Lil Kim

Lil Kim, the Diva of sexual liberation. I love freakin to her song How many licks...
I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of faces
Ah hell I even fuck with different races
A white dude - his name was John
He had a Queen Bee Rules tattoo on his arm, uh
He asked me if I'd be his date for the prom
and he'd buy me a horse, a Porsche and a farm
Dan my nigga from Down South
Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth
And Tony he was Italian (Uh-huh)
And he didn't give a fuck (Uh-huh)
That's what I liked about him
He ate my pussy from dark till the mornin
Called his girl up and told her we was bonin
Puerto Rican papi, used to be a Deacon
But now he be sucking me off on the weekend
And this black dude I called King Kong
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue

[Sisqo]
So, how many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Cause I've got to know)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

[Lil' Kim]
This verse goes out to my niggaz in jail
Beatin they dicks to the double-X-L; Magazine (uhh)
You like how I look in the aqua green? Get your Vaseline
Roll some weed with some tissue and close your eyes
Then imagine your tongue in between my thighs
[*Moans*] Baby.. ohh.. yes ohh!
Jailer.. open up.. cell, block, eight
[*sexual sounds*]
Alright nigga, that's enough
Stop, look and listen; get back to your position
Kim got your dick hard, startin fights in the yard
Hotter than a Pop Tart fresh out of the toaster
Niggaz do anything for a Lil' Kim poster
Eses, Bloods, Crips, all the thugs
Up North in the hole, they all wanna know

[Sisqo]
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, ha)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

[Lil' Kim]
If you drivin in the street, hold on to your seat
Niggaz, grab your meat while I ride the beat
And if you see a shiny black Lamborghini fly by ya
(Shoom!) That's me the Knight Rider
Dressed in all black with the gat in the lap
Lunatics in the street - gotta keep the heat
Sixty on the bezel, a hundred on the rings
Sittin pretty baby with a Cash Money bling
12 A.M. I'm on the way to club
After three bottles I'll be ready to fuck
Some niggaz even put me on their grocery lists
Right next to the whip cream and box of chocolates
Designer pussy, my shit come in flavors
High-class taste niggaz got to spend paper
Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over
Like it's rehearsal for a Tootsie commercial

[Sisqo]
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, ha)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Let me know, let me know)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Baby tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?

-How Many Licks by Lil Kim

My Sexual Evolution
My personal sexual evolution has been a long voyage. I was a virgin until my senior year in high school, when I met Ron Johnson the stereo sales men and he took me to “the point” to the music of “Somebody’s Babe” by Jackson Brown. Well it really wasn’t Ron Johnson, but the story is pretty much the same.

Lets talk about boring!
Sex with my boyfriends and then husband (I married at 19) pretty much sucked. Missionary style, or maybe doggie style, no orgasm, no real foreplay… just quick uneventful sex. I wanted to think that I enjoyed it, but the reality of it was that it wasn’t all to great. I was shy, a prude, and not really into it. I didn’t even know what a female orgasm was until my early 20’s.

Porn....ewww gross!
I remember watching porn as a young girl and thinking….ewww gross. These vampy women were overly sexed up and these hairy ass Ron Jeremys did nothing for me. Porn seemed pretty gross, and anything but a turn on.

Nina Hartley changed my life
When I moved to the Bay Area in my early 20’s and started dating my boyfriend J, things changed, and I had a sexual blossoming so to speak. J introduced me to porn, especially porn of Nina Hartley. Nina opened a whole new world for me, and I would never be the same.

For those of you unfamiliar with Nina here is a little biography from her website.
Nina

She grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area of California with Jewish Communist parents. She started dancing naked in 1983 and started acting in porn in 1984. She graduated college with a degree in nursing in 1985. She has made about 575 adult movies. There are 12 episodes and counting in sex education videos on Adam & Eve. She has won numerous awards for her acting and activism. She speaks out on issues of feminism and sexuality and free statement as a sex speaker. Her sexuality is constantly evolving and changing as her understanding continues to grow. This includes her knowledge on anal sex and her personal enjoyment of it.

Breakin the taboos!
Through watching her various videos and instructional tapes my sexuality was revolutionized. I realized the power in being sexual, enjoying sex, and trying things once considered taboo. For one, I had no idea how to give a good blow job, I thought you just sucked on the end and gagged a lot. I learned how to nibble, tease, breathe through your nose, play with the base and balls, and oh yes, the joy in swallowing… I also learned how to enjoy having a guy go down on me. First it helps I would say for a girl to be completely shaved. J had me do this, and I have felt more liberated ever since. It really does help, especially for oral sex. But you really have to be comfortable telling a guy what feels good, and then, my god, don’t just lay there, get into it move around a little, shove his head into it…. LOL

Lets here it for anal play
The other form of sex I learned from Nina was how to enjoy anal sex. J kept pressuring me to do this, and I thought it would be so dirty and nasty. I learned from Nina that you can have a better orgasm that way, and with the right lube and stimulation, it can actually feel fabulous.

I am a serial monogomist btw
Another thing about sex that is important, a lot of this only works when you are in a committed and comfortable relationship. It takes a while to get to know someone’s body, and be comfortable. I do not recommend getting this freaky and nasty with one night stands. Shit who wants to use a condom when having this much fun.

Thanks Nina, darling teacher… and sex Goddess… Im a forever changed woman.

The following article kicks ass and can teach YOU ALL!
Here is an article with some great sexual education information that details one of Nina’s instructional videos. This is actually a great piece that we can ALL learn something from. (Jay I hope your reading this… LOL)

From this website

There is a very large misconception that anal sex is only enjoyed by gay men. As a result of this misconception, any heterosexual man who is curious or knows he desires anal play, may be depriving oneself out of fear that others will think that he must really be gay or have homosexual tendencies. That could not be farther from the truth!
Millions of heterosexual women and men love to partake in anal play. By anal play, I mean rimming, having a finger up the ass while you’re getting a blowjob, inserting butt plugs, dildos, holding a vibrator around the opening, or rubbing the opening with your finger. And this area of the body should not be ignored when one is indulging. This is a very sensitive area, that when given the proper attention, can bring one to a new world of ecstasy.

Now, for you anal virgins, you don’t need to penetrate on the first go round. Use your fingers to massage, rub and tickle the area. The key is to start slow, be patient and try to relax. Remember this is supposed to be an enjoyable activity. Communication is absolutely essential with your partner. Let him or her know what feels good and when he or she can go further.
Once you reach a comfortable point, you may try a little penetration.
Be smart, use common sense and you’ll be okay.
Hartley's Guide to Better Fellatio (or Woodworking 101) "was created by and for consenting adults. It is intended to offer helpful hints for more mutually fulfilling erotic experiences."
The video stars Nina Hartley, with special guest Alex Sanders. The video is broken into three parts. The first part covers the anatomy and science of the penis, the second part demonstrates the "art" of fellatio and the 3rd part is basically a porno scene.

The first part of the video goes over the anatomy and science of the penis. She uses a dildo to show the basic parts of the penis and then there's a short slide show of a few penises - basically to show the difference between a circumcised and non-circumcised penis. She also uses a diagram and skeleton to go over the anatomy of the penis.
She compares the similarities between male and female genitalia. For instance a man's testicles are like a woman's ovaries. The scrotum is like the outer labia, the urethra like the inner labia and the gland like the clitoris.
I did learn a few things in the first part of the video. For instance, the prostate gland (located at the very base of the penis, near the anus) is a major source of pleasure for a man and produces the greatest amount of semen. Also, semen is made up mostly of water and vitamin C and is designed to carry sperm up into the vagina and into the fallopian tubes. Sperm travels approximately 7 inches on ejaculation - which is why it feels so good when a man orgasms.
The second part of the video demonstrates the "art" of fellatio. Why would you want to do it? According to Nina it's pleasurable and fun.

Nina says that half of being good at fellatio is the desire to do it - wanting to do it. She also says to get better you need practice and exposure - which is why I got this video.
I've read and heard that giving a blow job involves the hands just as much as the mouth - but never fully understood this concept until after watching this video.
A man's penis can go numb during fellatio (which happens in the video). Nina explains that this can happen because of interruptions or if he's drunk, nervous, thinks he's not good enough or thinks you aren't going to like it. So you need to reassure him that you do.

One of the things that I liked about the video is that it is just as much, if not more, about pleasing the woman than the man. I originally got the video so that I could better please my husband, not for my own satisfaction. According to Nina, the sign of a good blow job is if you're aroused as well. "The wetter the panties the better the blow job." Throughout the video Nina explains that it is important for the woman to enjoy it - to want to do it - it shouldn't be a chore you feel obligated to do. Which had always been my mindset. I admit that after watching the video my mindset has changed. Even though she doesn't discuss barriers some women may have against giving blow jobs, somehow a lot of mine were diminished after watching this video.
The video also contains a lot of good information. Such as, watching your man masturbate to learn how he touches himself - what he finds pleasurable and incorporate that into giving him a blow job. Wetness is a key factor in fellatio. I never knew the importance of a wet penis. According to Nina, when you wet down the penis everything you do is more magnified. The wetter the dick the lighter the touch you need. "The wetter it is the nicer it feels."
The man she demonstrate on, Alex, doesn't say much throughout the video, minus interjecting a few tips here and there, such as, it is more arousing when a woman removes the man's pants. He also likes it slow and thinks a lot of the pleasure in receiving a blow job comes from watching the woman doing it and knowing that she knows he's watching her. After Nina comments on how sweet tasting his cum is, he says to make cum taste "better" the man can eat sweets or kiwi to make it taste sweeter, or celery to take away the bitter taste.
There's more to fellatio than just sucking the penis. You can play with the balls (but don't squeeze!), stroke the penis lightly when wet, squeeze it (harder than you think you should) but not while you're stroking it, smack/slap and tap it slightly, and lick it lightly. I noticed two things she does the most. One is flicking the tongue under the head of the penis (which is very sensitive so you need to be gentle around this area) or stimulating it with the tip of your (wet) finger. Secondly, and what I gather to be most importantly, stroking the penis with a twist - not actually twisting the penis - but twisting the stroke - like in a circle instead of just up and down. Combined with the mouth this seems to be the key element of giving good head.
There are a few other factors of giving a good blow job. According to Nina, a good blow job is loud and wet sounding. Look him in the eyes and have your partner communicate with you - what he likes and wants you to do. What I noticed watching her perform, was that she isn't constantly sucking. No wonder I always got a numb mouth! She only sucks on the way up. Nice to know.
She also defines some terms, such as, playing "shuttlecock" - which is when you slap the penis back and forth from side to side. And "mouth fucking," which is when you stay still and the man moves his hips into your mouth. Her suggestion is to hold the base of the dick with one or both hands and "hold on for dear life." By doing this "you don't get the choking problem...if you get hit in the back of the throat it will start your gag reflects." The key to "mouth fucking" is gripping the penis. When he pushes in your loosen your grip, when he pulls out you squeeze. According to Nina, "mouth fucking" is "the lazy woman's way to give head." She also advises you have short nails so you don't hurt yourself when you squeeze.
Part three is basically a porno skit so Nina and Alex can do what they do best. I'm assuming this is to get you (and your partner) aroused so you can try out the tips she's given.
I'd recommend this video to anyone who feels inadequate in the administering of a bj. However, I should point out that Nina is not a great public speaker - there is no way you'll get her confused with your health or biology teacher. For example, your teachers never would have said, "I've seen more 2 inch softies grow into 6 or 8 inch woodies than you could shake a dick at." There are some great one liners throughout the video, such as, an erection is just a guys way of saying hi! A way of being friendly and polite. ;)
Summary: Here's what I gather are the fundamentals of giving good head. Keep the penis wet and use both hands to stroke and twist it at the same time as you suck on it - focusing around the head of the penis. Use one hand to stroke the penis and the other (at the base) to squeeze it. Keep the lights on and make sure the man is in a position so he can watch you. Start slow and then speed up towards the end.
I think you'll get a better idea if you get the video - I wish I would have seen it YEARS ago! My husband gave the video his stamp of approval as well. After I tried out her techniques on him, he said it was by far the best he has ever had - and trust me, I sucked at it - no pun intended. I had always made it much harder than it really is - no wonder I never liked doing it. But after seeing a "professional" in action it has given me a whole new outlook on fellatio!



Here is a description written by Nina of one of her sessions: enjoy…. It’s the freaken weekend!
(www.babydollbound.com).
So, here's the scoop: Ernest and I set up the gyno bed so that we could strap Babydoll into it..
So, we picked her up at her friends house and brought her home. We cuffed, collared and high-heeled her. We looked at dirty pictures while she had a shot of good single malt scotch, molesting her all the while. Moving over to the dining room table, Ernest munched her while I took pictures of her face. I had Ernest pinch her pussy lips together to pinch her clit while I s-lo-w-l-y plucked a few stray hairs from around her pussy. She shivered in delight. Next time, I'll strap her down and make a bigger deal of it!
Now was time for whipping and walking. We brought her over to the suspension bar and clipped her wrists to the chains and gave it a few cranks. Now, she was helpless in the face of our sadism. Ernest brought over a brace of stick whips and one leather one and we set to work. Babydoll took several deep breaths and got deeper into subspace. He cracked a couple of good ones on her bubble butt and moved to her front to watch her face while I had myself a good time. I took the dressage and steadily flicked it back and forth across her cheeks, just grazing the skin. The heat builds up slowly this way. Ernest got a cane and began on her front, paying special attention to the sides of Babydoll's perky tits.
Then I hit her across both cheeks, using the thin dressage like a cane. Whap! Whap! Whap! went the wiry whip to leave red lines on her cheeks. Whap! Whap! Whap! down the backs of her legs I went, relentless, waiting for her to lift her foot in mercy, but it never came. Ernest was touching her clit and I was hurting her from the other side and Babydoll was coming again.
We got her to her knees in front of the mirror. Sitting on the bed, she orally serviced each of us and go. Now it was time for fucking, and fuck we did. Ernest and I do a mini-gang bang fit to beat the band, if not fuck the girls. He got on top of her and I took off her shoes and whipped her soles, sending her over again. I love to see Ernest fuck women and I love to see how happy they are to be fucked by him. I pinched her nose, we covered her face, we stuck our fingers down her mouth, we slapped her, never letting up on the fucking.
When it was my turn to fuck her, Ernest stuck his dick in her mouth to stifle her moans and cries. I leaned forward enough to get some, too, and he smothered her with his balls, muffling her orgasms. We used her roughly and with great humor, since she is such a slutty girl.
We traded off fucking a few more times, ending up with her ass in the air, butt plug still in. I caned her upper cheeks while he fucked her and she came again, quivering and shaking on his dick. Finally, it was time for the big finish. She got back on her knees in front of Ernest and took his dick in her mouth. I caned her again, steadily, patiently, until she came again. She's so good, she never used her teeth once.
Whew! It was amazing to us to see that the whole thing had taken only about 90 minutes instead of the three hours it felt like we had been playing. It goes to show how much three motivated people can do when they set their minds to it. That's where kink is kinda like communism: to each according to his need, from each according to his ability. We like to show a girl a good time, and Babydoll knows how to get the most out of us.
Now, Babydoll has showered and has finished cleaning up the dungeon. It's been nice typing this while she works, naked, making the space clean for her private time with Ernest this Tuesday while I'm in Denver.
Soon, Carol Queen and Robert Lawrence will be here and we'll all go out for Chinese food. Ah, what a Sunday! Blogarama
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If I'm in charge and I treat you like a child Will you let yourself go wild? Let my mouth go where it wants to? -Madonna

The word lesbian doesn't quite describe the sexual
curiosity women today have about one another.
They are like each other's archeological dig,
in which the excavation of genitals, breasts,
the taste of skin is where they look to find what is
missing in their lives, something men cannot give them.
—Nancy Friday, The Power of Beauty

Erotica - Madonna
Erotica, romance (repeat)
My name is Dita
I'll be your mistress tonight
I'd like to put you in a trance

If I take you from behind
Push myself into your mind
When you least expect it
Will you try and reject it
If I'm in charge and I treat you like a child
Will you let yourself go wild
Let my mouth go where it wants to

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to ...

I'd like to put you in a trance, all over
Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body (repeat twice)
Erotic, erotic

Once you put your hand in the flame
You can never be the same
There's a certain satisfaction
In a little bit of pain
I can see you understand
I can tell that you're the same
If you're afraid, well rise above
I only hurt the ones I love

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to ...

I'd like to put you in a trance, all over
Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body (repeat twice)
Erotic, erotic

Erotica, romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, romance
Put your hands all over my body

I don't think you know what pain is
I don't think you've gone that way
I could bring you so much pleasure
I'll come to you when you say
I know you want me
I'm not gonna hurt you
I'm not gonna hurt you, just close your eyes

Erotic, erotic (repeat several times)
Put your hands all over my body
All over me, all over me

Erotica, [give it up, give it up] romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, [give it up, give it up] romance
I like to do a different kind of
Erotica, [give it up, give it up] romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, romance
Put your hands all over my body

Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better
Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away

Eroti - ca
Growing up in the age of Madonna
When I was about 13, I wanted to be Madonna “I wanna, I wanna, I wanna be Madonna”. Madonna came out with her song “Holiday” and I about flipped, then, when I saw her video “Borderline” I was in love. She was everything I wanted to be; sassy, beautiful, mouthy, liberated and one hell of a cool dresser. I emulated her style with the lace gloves, rosary jewelry, black rubber bracelets, tube minni skirts, and a black bra with white lace tank top. I memorized her songs, her lyrics, her dance moves, and even lusted after Sean Penn when she was with him. She was the epitome of a sexually liberated 80’s chick; humping a stage at the VMAs in a wedding dress cooing "Like a Virgin", and a few years later, seducing a sexy black Jesus while gospel choirs belted "Like a Prayer." She was the It girl, and I wanted to be just like her.

Madonna and Bi-sexuality
I wonder how growing up in the age of Madonna effects a girls sexual image? I saw Madonna as strong, beautiful, sex object, businesswoman, masturbator, fashion plate and bi-sexual. Madonna made out with other women in public, including Sandra Bernhardt and Naomi Campbell (most recently Brittany Spears). Madonna didn’t care if other people called her trash, she aimed to push the envelope, challenge norms, and break taboos.

My How to Be Bisexual Degree
I admit the bi-sexual thing intrigued me, but I never really thought about it much until I attended UC Berkeley and entered the Women Studies program. I now jokingly call this my “How to be bi-sexual” degree. When I started at Cal I was just coming out of a bad marriage and I really wasn’t ready for sexual relations of any kind. But the things I saw, and heard about, would blow my mind and shatter images for years to come.

Women Studies at Cal
Women studies isn’t a bunch of man-haters, like one would think; its basically a bunch of liberal arts students studying all collegiate aspects from a “female” perspective. There are classes on Freudian theory, history of women in the US, anthropological studies of gender, socialization of gender, images of gender in film, women contributions to literature and art, etc. It was a great program, and taught by world renowned scholars. I definitely found myself in this program. There actually were a few males in most of the classes, and some even decided to major or minor in the program.

Manic-Panicked looks
Women in the program were a myriad of types and personalities. There were some that looked like Donna of 90210, fresh out of So Cal, with blond hair and preppy clothes. Others had that hippie girl look; hairy legs and armpits, flowing dresses, no makeup, and wild flowing hair. Some girls cultivated the riot grrrl look with black combat boots, black clothing, punked out hair and tattoos. Mostly, girls just looked like typical college students, with shorts, t-shirts, backpacks, and maybe the occasional Birkenstock. I kinda went for the punk look, preferring to wear my doc martins with short summer dresses and manic-panicked colored hair. We were all different; there definitely was no stereotype in the looks department. Some of us wore make up and shaved (like me) other were all natural, and felt makeup and other feminine markings were the “tools of the oppressor”. Yes, there were some lesbian students, Hell Berkeley had classes on gay and lesbian studies, female sexuality, and I think there was one called “the power of the vagina”. One lesbian student I remember had wild curly hair, piercing blue eyes, and like to sport shirts that read “men cant live with them… don’t have too” with a big rainbow triangle. She especially liked to wear this around Greek row.

Bi-sexual trend
What I noticed was most popular around women studies students, wasn’t a common style or belief system. Most popular among women studies students was the self title “bi-sexual”. Shit, it seemed EVERYONE claimed to be bi-sexual, married, girls with boyfriends, single chicks, you name it. My best friend at Berkeley, who claimed to have slept with over 75 guys, took on the “title” of bi-sexual soon after starting college. I remember her saying to me “I just want to see what being with a girl is like”, I don’t know if she was coming onto me or what, I just know at that time I was too sexually repressed to even think about that. She later had a “coming out” experience with the curly haired lesbian in one of the professors office after hours. She attended “women only” hot-tub parties, and safe sex performances by this SF troop called the safe sex sluts who demonstrated on live volunteers how to use dental dams, gloves, etc. She would tell me about these adventures and I would act all shocked but get excited and intrigued secretly inside. She went on to have threesomes and other bisexual fun and of course is now married to some guy and expecting kids.

Bi-sexual Berkeley Babes
I had some other “bi-sexual” girlfriends that I would hang out with. These girls grew up in Berkeley, where being bisexual was the rage, though they had multiple boyfriends, I guess they did some messing around with each other as teenagers, or whenever they were lonely or bored. This one girl F and I used to go clubbing and dancing together around Berkeley. We would get on the dance floor and start freakin each other. We would be rubbin our bodies together, feeling each other up, and get real “lesbo”. We would also go to Fetish clubs in full on bondage gear in SF, and spank each other, make out, and rub up against each other. This was mainly for “show” as we liked the reaction we would get from the boys. This was about as far as I ever got with a girl. I did have one hot bi-sexual chick pick up on me really hard while I was going out with J. It wasn’t until my boyfriend J that I became sexually liberated, and this was my senior year at Cal. This was my first major relationship after my marriage, and I was totally into lovin and sexing this man. This really super hot chick, with a perfect body, dark hair and big doe eyes would always come onto me when we ran into each other. She would tell J “Im gonna steal your girlfriend”. I was so flattered, as she had been the object of love and lust in a famous rock song of that time. One time, I was drunk off cider and beer (snakebite) at a Berkeley pub and she took me into a dark closet where we held each other real close for about 30 minutes. J ended coming in and busting up the scene, but I always wonder what would have happened. She is married with kids now too.

Now days, girls who claim to be bi-sexual seem to be following in a growing trend. According to this article in Florida’s Sun Senital .

Trendy Bi-sexual grrrls
It's not an unusual scene, according to South Florida high school students, who say the newest trend for teen girls isn't wearing the latest designer jeans or driving a cool car, but declaring themselves to be bisexual.

"Some do it for attention. Some do it because guys like it. And some do it just because they can. It's definitely a fad," says Stranahan High student Christy Shalley, president of the Fort Lauderdale school's Gay Straight Alliance.

Ms. Nancy Friday
One of my favorite authors on sexuality is Nancy Friday. She writes books on women’s fantasies, my two favorites being “Women on Top” and “My Secret Garden”. It seems that many women, bored housewives etc fantasize about being with other women.

According to Ms. Friday “The percentage of women claiming to be bi-sexual and or lesbian in real life has risen steadily in recent years; also, the number of women who fantasize about other women has soared. I could comment at great length regarding how traditionally and comfortably women have had erotic dreams about other women since I began my research 25 years ago.”

Nancy Friday website

Its the End of the World as we Know it... and I feel fine....I wonder does this make us all bi-sexual? Is it really common for us to fantasize about other women? I must admit, I’m not attracted to the bull-dyke lesbian types. They don’t do it for me at all. But the Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry types…. YOWZA! They rock my fantasy world. Would I ever really “do it” with a chick? Or is this just a fantasy? I can tell you, that I really LOVE men, and I don’t think I could ever live without a nice hard cock. Its also that yin/yang thing, feminine/masculine… I like having an opposite. I dunno, maybe its just a masturbation fantasy, maybe it will never happen. Or maybe its something I would do for a man, so he could watch and later join? Im not sure…I just wonder how many of us actually think about it?

If we grow up feeling that there is something
wrong with what lies between our legs,
we will not just see that place as repugnant, a sewer,
The Cloaca that we can never make beautiful,
but we assume that like the ugly birthmark on a leg
or arm, this is what people see when they look at us.
—Nancy Friday, The Power of Beauty

Another quote I stole off the internet.

Women are at a stage in history where they are truly coming into their own - financially, socially, and sexually. Women have more disposable income, careers, extended reproductive lives, and are more confident and secure than they ever have been before. In many respects, this is the direct result of the feminist movement, which was the impetus of many developments that are now considered social norms.
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I want you I don't want anybody else And when I think about you I touch myself

Masturbation, what is the taboo? Tonight millions of people around the world are doing it, from all ages, all shapes, and lifestyle choices. Is it a sin? Is it immoral? Does it make you a pervert?
Is it dirty?

Divinyls Lyrics
I Touch Myself Lyrics
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

Chorus:
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come running
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you

Chorus

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me


I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you
I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

Growing up as a young girl, I always though masturbation was something to be ashamed of. It was for dirty, and for desperate girls, with severe mental illness. I believed this so much that I was afraid to actually get to know my body. I don’t think I even realized the power of the clitoris, I had no idea that female orgasm was so intricately tied to it. My masturbatory experiences in my youth consisted of getting naked and exposing myself (to no one of course, but the thrill of getting caught was all the same). Any time I actually thought about masturbating, I would picture my dead grandmother looking down at me from heaven and this was enough to shame me into purity.

This lack of masturbating caused a lot of sexual problems later in life. I didn’t know myself, I had no idea how to relax, what I liked, and what felt good. When I had sex the first few times I felt nothing, pain and some strokin yes, but no stimulation, no orgasm. I wouldn’t have an orgasm until my early 20’s, and after I was married. When I was first married, sex was a thrill because it was sex, and it was naughty. But there was really no pleasure, no release. When the marriage got ugly, I wasn’t interested in sex anymore, I mean why give it up to someone you despise? It was then that I learned about masturbating and experienced my first orgasm. I realized that if I laid on the floor, and watched some porn movie (while husband was asleep in another room) that I could move and twist in a way that put pressure on my pelvis and wa-la would produce an orgasm. Oh the satisfaction of experiencing your first orgasm, especially if it was later in life. It was like, Oh, that is what it feels like, and you take on a new love for sex.

After I was divorced I bought my first vibrator. Not the dildo kind, but the kind you plug into the wall and it has a lot of power. I was in HEAVEN. I realized I could have an orgasm in under 3 minutes. Wow, I became somewhat obsessed, wanting orgasms a few times a day. I was still leery about sex after the divorce, until I met my boyfriend J. J taught me how to love penises, and how you can learn from porno’s how to really please each other. We had sex many times a day, and I was able to have orgasms for most of it. We then got dirty, and began mutually masturbating to porn, having sex in public places, and other “dirty” forms of sex. I started loving sex in any way shape or form, and J used to joke that he “created a monster”.

Needless to say J and I only lasted a few years, but he taught me a lifetime of lessons about sex. I still think masturbation is the key for women to get familiar with their bodies and learn now to have orgasm. Im sure it comes naturally for some women, but for neurotics such as myself, who has to shut out images of dead grandmothers in heaven, it takes practice and patience.

I totally recommend a vibrator to any women. You can use them during sex too. A fast moving hand also works well, or a dildo with vibrating bunny ears. I have also heard that shower massagers work, or the bathtub water. Whatever it takes, make it happen. Sex needs to be experienced by both parties, and no, the culmination is not the male cum shot. (though I see that this is the focus of most porns). Most importantly, NEVER forget the Clitoris!

Im going to close this ode to masturbation with some 80'


 Strokin' - Clarence Carter
'I stroke it to the East and I stroke it to the West'
 Turning Japanese - The Vapors
'I want a doctor to take a picture so I can look at you from inside as well'
 She Bop - Cyndi Lauper
'They say I better stop or I'll go blind'
 The Perfect Kiss - New Order
'Tonight I should have stayed at home - playing with my pleasure zone'
 Darling Nikki - Prince
 Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes
 Close To Me - The Cure
 Dancing With Myself - Billy Idol
 Everyday I Die - Tubeway Army
 Masturbation Generation - Boys Next Door
 Pump It Up - Elvis Costello
 St. Swithin's Day - Billy Bragg
 Be My Girl (Sally) - Police
`





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Vadergrrrl skin art...(some semi nudity)

Tattoo photos.... may the force be with you


Darth Vader tattoo.... The force is strong in this one

Kittycat tattoo and crappy yin and yang

barb wire with roses, green ribbon, the death star exploding (covering pot leaf tattoo and medical symbol from when I worked at a Cannabis Club in Berkeley). If you look closely at the death star you can see the millenium falcon, wedge and luke

Rebel alliance tattoo and Kanjii for love

My tribal rose tattoo

Goddess friend and vadergrrrl after a long day at the library for vadergrrrl

Goddess Grrrl's tattoos

Another photo of vadergrrrl and Goddess Grrrl

My computer geek friend David

Okay Jack, show me that man in uniform...!!!

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"I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN! -Bremelo fact or fiction

bremelo
(n) Derogative term for fat ugly women from Bremerton, WA, a working-class town with a Naval Base. The joke is that these women hang around and "chasin' fellas in the Navy".
-From Rap Dictionary


Bremelo - term popularized by Sir Mix Alot to describe a large, unattractive woman who resides in or frequents the city of Bremerton, WA to establish "relations" with Navy personnel

Artist: Sir Mix-A-Lot
Song Title: Bremelo
Album: Swass

Here's a gory kinda story, 'bout an obese freak
With a forty inch waist and a ten inch beak,
Overweight and out of shape with a triple chin,
Her brassiere strikes fear in the hearts of men,

The Girls a bremelo
The Girls a bremelo

Me and Terry hopped a ferry, we were lookin Swass
When a dip hit the ship we were almost tossed
It was a big bremelo standing on my toe,
An enormous jelly-belly tryin' to say hello
I was really kinda frightened as she looked my way,
I tried to run because here buns made the ferry sway
To be blunt she was fat and ready for combat
On the way to Bremerton where the fat is at,
The Girls a bremelo.

Let's Go!

I'm not fakin' or mistaken' 'bout the big ol' duck,
She had hairy underarms and a whoppin' gut,
Her hair was short and wavy, drove my pit bull crazy,
A Bremerton beast chasin' fella's in the Navy,
At the movie she's the feature, the Bremerton creature,
Ya' wear a life jacket if ya ever try and freak her
Look at her physique, she ain't my kinda freak,
The floor creaks when the beast starts reaching her peak
The Girls a bremelo.
She's just a bremelo.

Change the beat!

You can't ignore the way she snores 'cuz she blows down doors,
Baby's got the kinda face only a mother adores,
A big basket ball head, with her ten inch feet,
Big lips, No hips, with the smell of a beast,
I couldn't put her in my Caddy or my tranny would break,
I've heard of dirt because of poverty, but she took the cake,
When it comes to Cool-Aid, the girl would drink it in pints,
Ya go to school for twenty years and ya still in the ninth?
Ya just a bremelo.
Just a bremelo.

You big, triple chinned, unattractive duck,
Ya boyfriend beats freaks up to make a buck,
Hangin' 'round Third & Pike on a ten speed bike,
you could say that I'm a liar, but ya know I'm right
Ya talk behind my back because I dropped you flat,
And ya never take a shower 'cuz ya too damn fat
So ya man was smart when he broke your heart
Because if Mix-A-Lot'd cut cha youd'a fell apart
Wearing Polyester slacks with elastic in the back
You could flat'n squash a nigga in a wrestling match
Ya got lips like a character in some cartoon
With a pink posterior ya big baboon
Ya just a (Elephant Trumpet)
(Elephant Trumpet)

Now Bremerton's a city right outside of mine,
Most girls there are ducks but a few are fine
But the ones that I speak about, use their faces catching trout,
Vacuum cleaners for a mouth, You know what I'm talkin' 'bout
Mud Ducks, Hockey Pucks, Drivers of Mack trucks,
Lame brains, Diesel Trains, to pick them up you have to strain,
Big Butt, Crew Cut, Extra-Ordinary Gut,
Big Mamma kinda bod, make ya face kinda rough

I was Born in Bremerton
I was born in a small military/working class town called Bremerton. By the time I waas a teenager, SirMixalot had made women from my town world famous with his song “bremelo”. This song would haunt me for years to come. I escaped Bremerton 19 by marrying a townie who joined the navy. Never wanting to return, I lived in Okinawa, San Diego, Oakland, and Virginia until 2000, when I packed up and moved back “home”.

Back in Black Baby
For the last 4 years I have lived in this town, full of Douglass fir trees, lumber mills, tattoo parlors, churches, rednecks with gun racks, sailors aplenty, and oh yes, fat women who we call “bremelos”. I remember “bremelos” growing up here, they were the fat chicks from our high schools who brought sailors (or “squids” as we called them) in uniform to the senior prom. We always looked down on these girls, and considered them pretty desperate to be seen with a navy guy. Bad girls dated navy guys, good girls stuck with the townies who passed us around like cheap cans of lucky logger at a redneck bbq. Of course, the townie I married became a sailor, and my status evolved to that of navy wife. I lived in navy housing in San Diego for 3 years, and oh the things that I saw. Navy wives are a special breed, most becoming heavy set after popping out a few kids, and most also seem to have been married to at least 2 different sailors by the age of 21. It was then that I learned the term “Westpac Widow” -women whose husbands were at sea and are trolling the local bars looking for action.

Crazy ass Bremerton grrrls
While I was living in California, most of my high school friends in Bremerton began dating sailors, I mean come on, easy access here. The male to female ratio in Bremerton is like 30 to 1, odds in the girls favor. I heard stories of wild sailor sex parties, couple swapping, and various one-night stand escapades. Another strange thing started happening to my friends back home, they started becoming bigger. It seemed the sluttier they became, the bigger they became too. All of my friends dating squids (or married to them) cheated. Every westpac they would become “westpac widows” hit the bars and have some fun. I saw this when I came home to visit. Bremerton was considered my ego boost town, as I loved visiting the dive bars with my friends and feeling my power. At that time, I still preferred flings with townies, mostly because I had blossomed since high school, and I liked snagging a guy from my past. My friends however, started reminding me of the women in “Officer and a Gentlemen”. This movie was actually filmed not far from Bremerton, and there is actually a shot of the battleships in Bremerton as Richard Gere rides off on his motorcycle in the beginning. Anyway, the women totally remind me of that movie, work factory or grocery store jobs until they score some sailor. Otherwise left to life in blue-collar hell. In Officer and a Gentlemen Sargent Foley warns the recruits about the women in the area, “Bremelo” types who like to snag onto sailors because it's their ticket out of town. During the course of the film, we learn that the local women get themselves pregnant in order to hold onto their boyfriends, this Im sure happens quite a bit in Bremerton. (sigh). Gotta love Bremelo ethos.

Goin Hog Wild
When I moved back to Bremerton in 2000, I emarked on a three year relationship with a townie who was also a local “rock star”. The relationship started to get on my nerves too much, and we ended it a few months ago. Since then, I have been hog wild single, and doing all the Bremerton Grrrl things I have never experienced…. Like baiting sailors… (sailor bait… another word for Bremelo).

Bremelo spotting
Now I never considered myself a Bremelo, or sure as shit ever wanted to be one. Here is another definition The word Bremelo was
explaned this way to me.
Bremerton + Bufflo =
Bremelo. Big Bremerton women
looking to hook up with navy
guys to support them. Here is another description I found on the web; its quite good.
Fresh faced young sailors
are the natural prey of
Bremelos. You can find them at
Walmart and Kitsap Mall.
They certainly aren't
limited to those places.
Look for two toned hair, and
large sized bodies squeezed
into Brittany Spears wanna
be clothes. They have babies
and toddles at least 3 or
more running around
screaming, crying and
generally running amuk.
Occasionally, there is a
very stressed overwelmed and
frightened looking booter
following them around
obediently. They smoke
Virginia Slims and drink
Mountain Dew. The kids are
trained to call any young
man who comes around more
than once or twice..."my new
daddy". Bremelos' can be
seen at the photo copier
having whining temper
tantrums as they try to make
copies of the baby pics of
their newest meal ticket.
They flaunt tattoo's of that
ubiqitus icon of white trash-
hood, Taz or Bugs bunny.
They come out in the early
spring after a brief
hybernation to bear their
young and proclaim their
readiness to procreate
status by displaying their
famous "bremelo roll" of
sagging midrif. The more
experienced and mature
bremelos have double chins
and double love handles and
gold thumb rings. The truly
succesful bremelo reaches
coveted Mommalo status with
the arrival of her first
grandchild..........usually
before her 28th birthday.
Always before graduation.
They like classy names for
their young bremelo-ettes,
like Tidonna and Turquoise
abd Destiny. And Cheyanne
(aka Shi shi)
They are a highly succesful
life form and have survived
unchanged since shortly
after the Nipsig first
landed. I knew those Ho’s; short ass frayed daisey duke shorts, bleach blond frizzy hair, cottage cheese ass, saggy boobs in low cut shirts, and sometimes missing teeth. I would see them at the grocery store, shopping with their six kids, or eating a Dennys, or out at the dive bars, smoking and dancing with sailors who were obviously not there husbands. But there has to be something in the water here, because it seems unavoidable, like destiny, that women here eventually become squid bait.

Squid Baitin at the Horse and Cow
An easy pick up place for squids is this Maritime Dance Club, the Horse and Cow. The place is full of horney and drunk squids, all looking for action. My friends and I always go and drink a lot of vodka redbulls and head straight to the dance floor to dance to Eminem or Outkast, or whatever song happens to be on. I usually start dirty dancing and actin a fool. One night, shortly after my breakup, I met a blue-eyed hottie squid on the dance floor. We started dirty dancing, and freakin, and one thing led to another…. We started makin out HO style right on the dance floor! I took that young sailor boy home and freaked him good. I didn’t want to know names, didn’t want anything really, but cheap, nasty sex with a young ass, beautiful bodied, stud muffin. Had to get that out of my system….its just so dang easy to do here.

Sailor Boy-Toy
A month or so later, I was out freakin on the dance floor again, and I met a new Sailor Boy-Toy. We freaked, and slow danced, but this time just exchanged numbers. He is younger than me by 11 years, but very cute, and not your typical “sailor”. Needless to say, I have been seeing this young hunk for over a month. Its not a serious thing, or even really a thing, just mutual lustin, sexing, and some company. I have never “dated” a squid before, this is all new to me. Yes I was married to a “squid” but he was a townie when we dated. My current squid toy is very busy, out to sea a lot doing sea trials, or busy preparing the ship for one. I probably wont see him again for over a month, he is out to sea…. (sigh) the life of a seamen. Oh he is a submariner…. Hence my expression “Submariners Do It Deeper!” Another Bremelo expression I like to use is “Nuttin like havin Seamen in your Mouth” LOL

What's happening here?!?!?!?
Is something in the water here or what? Have I become a Bremelo? This is really starting to scare me. Since living here, I have gained some weight (mostly in the boobs and ass, baby have back!), which I attribute to lack of sunlight, depression, and my taking anti-depressants. Hell, I gotta get out of this place. In a few years I may sprout bleach blond hair, cottage cheese legs, and who the hell knows what. HELP IVE FALLEN AND I CANT GET UP!


Bremelo website

This site is actually putting together a dance troop of Bremelos….
Here's a bit from the site...
We are putting together a dancing trio (volunteers) for our festival showings.

Experience? "we no need no stinkin' experience!"

Requirements:
1. Resident of Bremerton/Kitsap County (proclaimed Bremelo)
2. Over 18 years of age
3. Good dispostion and teeth
4. Provide own transportation to events (no cdl required)
5. Good rhythym and sense of humor
6. Provide own sweatpants/spandex
7. Able to travel short distances in Kitsap County
8. No gratuity box needed as one will be provided
9. No weight requirements


Here is a sailor Bremelo joke for ya to close this off.

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale (aka Bremelo) just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!








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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!"

Get the Boys Ma, its D-Derby Time!Here is a little update on living in redneckville/sailor town. The D-Derby was this weekend, and I live within spittin distance from the Rodeo hall where this occurs. For those of you unfamiliar with a D-Derby, it’s a Demolition Derby where these rednecks spray paint old cars with slogans like “this buds for you” and then drive them around a track like bumper cars until the last car driving wins. This is a weekly event here in town, and what a show it is. The parking lot is always filled with Mac Trucks and primered Cameros. Inside the venue is a fashion show of redneck styles and designs that really highlight the local gene pool. AC/DC blasts from the overhead speakers, and the smell of dust and car fumes permeates the air. Mullets rule the scene, of all different sizes and shapes, father and son mullets, and the occasional duck tail. I have always thought it was cruel to give a 3 year old a mullet, however, this is stock issue at the D-Derby. Women dress as skanky and nasty as possible, regardless of body shape. Spandex skirts and pants, tight fat belly revealing shirts, and hair all ratted out like an old Motely Crue video. Everyone is smoking…. The beer garden is the official hang out spot for singles, and you can hear belching, farting jokes, and cat whistles as you walk by.

Gotta Love the D-Derby.

Here are some Jedi Redneck jokes I though Y’All would enjoy..

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .·

. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
· . . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
· . . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
· . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
· . . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
· . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
· . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
· . . . you meditate to old CCR records.
· . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
· . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
· . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
· . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
· . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
· . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
· . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
· . . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
· . . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
· . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
· . . . . you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
· . . . . your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
· . . . you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
· . . .you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
· . . . you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
· . . . you've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
· . . . your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
· . . . you've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
· . . . you didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
· . . . you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
· . . . you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
· . . . you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
· . . . you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
· . . . you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
. . . you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!"

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