"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Friday, November 12, 2004

*If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?* ~Im a Lynyrd Skynyd Free Bird~

I don't know where I'm going But, I sure know where I've been
I grew up here in Bremerton Washington. Bremerton is a military town, an hour away from Seattle. A town full of gun shops, tattoo parlors, churches, and Douglas Fir trees that seem to go for miles. I went to school with the same kids from pre-school to high school, the same faces, same reputations, and same old shit. Growing up depressed and feeling like an outsider, I always dreamed of my escape. I found it in the form of a teenage pregnancy, and subsequent shotgun marriage. My young husband had recently joined the navy, so off we went to Okinawa. The first time I had to say goodbye to this place. Goodbyes are never easy for me, I really don’t like them, and prefer to leave quietly…like a thief in the night.

You and I will meet again, When we're least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won't say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again" Tom Petty

Gyp´sy Pronunciation: jĭp´sŷ
n. 1. One of a vagabond race, whose tribes, coming originally from India, entered Europe in the 14th or 15th century, and are now scattered over Turkey, Russia, Hungary, Spain, England, etc., living by theft, fortune telling, horsejockeying, tinkering, etc. Cf. Bohemian, Romany. Like a right gypsy, hath, at fast and loose,Beguiled me to the very heart of loss. - Shak.
2. The language used by the gypsies.
3. A dark-complexioned person.
4. A cunning or crafty person.

Gypsy Grrrl
I always identify myself a gypsy. There are rumors that some of my Swedish blood is “tainted” with gypsy. Whatever the case, since my first move in 1989, I seem to be a drifter. Never really attaching to one location, picking up and moving on every three years. I make good friends along each stop, and then, move on. I rarely keep in touch, I don’t know why… I guess I like to keep the memories I had of the time we shared. After Okinawa we moved to San Diego where I lived for three years. San Diego was a tough time for me, my marriage was dysfunctional and abusive, and I felt trapped and dependent on my husband. All I could think of was planning my escape, which came in the form of an acceptance letter to UC Berkeley.

Say goodbye to the oldies, but goodies, because the good old days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems"
-Billy Joel

Berkeley Bliss and Living with the Incredible Hulk
While living in Berkeley, I found my home. I loved the Bay Area, the political environment, the multiculturalism, and the progressive attitude. Living in student family housing was similar to living in a utopia. All like-minded people, using the “it takes a village to raise a child” philosophy in its truest form. I still look back on these days with fond memories. After graduation I moved in with my boyfriend and things took a dark turn. We moved into Richmond, CA one of the deepest ghettos. (we were on the border). My boyfriend suffered a serious gunshot wound to his head, from a gang member looking to score a kill. This experience changed him, and he became David Banner-like scary. Though I didn’t want to leave the Bay Area, I realized that I could not live with someone so violent and scary. So I tearfully packed up my things, and moved back home to Bremerton.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Tweek Vs. Craig, 1999

I’m so happy cuz today I found my friends..in my head. Kurt Kobain Syndrome
Back in Bremerton for the first time in 9 years, seemed a new experience. Though my experiences had changed me forever, and I was not the same person who moved away as a pregnant 19 year old. Still, my childhood friends embraced me, and it was like no time had passed. Something about Washington State seems to turn me into Kurt Kobain. I become lethargic, depressed, and self-destructive. I started running around with a bunch of young band types, and causing all sorts of scandals. I realized the job market in Bremerton primarily relied on blue-collar workers, and my degree seemed meaningless. Depressed and ready to run, I packed up my belongings and decided to move back to California. I made this decision after one year of “trying”.

You should never argue with a crazy mind
You oughta know by now
You can pay Uncle Sam with overtime
Is that all you get for your money?
It seems such a waste of time
If that?s what it?s all about
If that’s movin up then I'm movin? out.
-Billy Joel

Ghetto Livin and lots of Cannabis
Back in the Bay Area, I felt “home” and quickly picked up were I left off, including a brief reunion with my ex boyfriend. I quickly obtained a job in the marijuana movement, and began to make all sorts of contacts and career enhancing experiences. Though I had paid “activist” jobs (which are rare and hard to find) I still didn’t make enough money to stay out of the ghetto. Living in the ghetto of Oakland, and then briefly Hayward, wore on my soul. Though there is a strong community in the ghetto, it’s still a hard way to live. Being a single mother, I had no choice. Black ass soon crept back in, and I realized I needed to make another move. This time, I wanted to live near my father in the DC Metropolitan area.

Dazed and Confused in DC
I settled in Arlington Virginia and quickly fell in love with the area. You can take metro to anywhere you need to go. I got a good job in DC as the office manager for National NORML. I began doing freelance work for High Times magazine. I made contacts in drug policy and with other prominent reform groups. My career flourished as DC seemed the best fit for my education, passion, and experience. After a year, my son began to miss “grandma” and requested that we move back to Washington. He also worried about me going to jail for my activism. This started to really frighten my son with anxiety and nightmares. He told me he wanted a “normal mom” (not a NORML mom) and wanted us to move back to Bremerton. Though I really didn’t want to leave the life I created in Virginia, I decided that it was best to put my son first, and make another move.

He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.~ Benjamin Franklin

The Circle is NOW complete… Back in B-Town
That was 2000, and we have lived in Bremerton ever since. I have found work at the public library and a medical library, and also with the local paper as a freelance writer. My life revolved around my son, and being a sports mom. Though we struggled financially, things always seemed to work, and I told my self my career would be “mom” and my job would be to pay the bills. When my son decided to live with his dad two months ago in Phoenix Arizona, it broke my heart. I’m still coping with the loss, but I realize with him gone, there is no real reason to stay in Bremerton. Its time to move on.

Hanging on the promises In songs of yesterday An' I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time But, here I go again...
My brother is a Captain and Blackhawk pilot in the US Army. He owns a house in Colorado Springs, near Ft. Carson where he is stationed. He has orders to return to Iraq in March. When he found out about my son leaving, he made me the offer to live with him, and house sit rent-free. I thought to myself, “Why not?” Though I don’t know anyone in Colorado Springs besides the reputation of Focus on the Family and Dr. Dodson, I am moving there in late December. I’ve given notice at my apartment and at my current job. Soon I will be turning off my cable and I will be without computer access. This means I wont be able to blog for a while. After I settle in, I will be back. My visits to blogs, and posts, will soon be far and few between during this transition to my new life.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray You give me strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time

Here I Go Again
So here I go again, my gypsy heart about to move. I have solace in the fact that I am alone and I often wonder if I’m meant to stay that way. Hell, I’m used to having my own room, things and bedroom. I like being independent and free of control. Being alone doesn’t scare me; in fact, it’s as comforting as an old friend.

Hitch your wagon to a star. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm just another heart in need of rescue Waiting on love's sweet charity An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
I’m too damn stubborn and independent to ever really be rescued. Like Billy Joel says, “Don’t try to save me”. I can only help myself and save myself. I’m so glad for the friends I have made through blogger. Many of who I have become extremely close too. Those that have my phone numbers will always be able to keep in touch with me, and I promise to check in to let you all know how I am doing. I’m not saying I’m leaving real soon, it’s a LONG GOODBYE, well a month long at least. But I’m really busy with preparations for my move, and find blogger to be a distraction from getting things done that I HAVE to do. So I will say this, I’m probably going to start fading away here really quick. Its not a forever thang…. Just a temporary leave of absence. With the divisiveness that seemed to happen after the election, and the fighting online that I participated in, I doubt I will be missed too much. But like Macarthur or Arnold Swartzeneger said

“I will be back!”

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

Tie the Strings to my Life, My Lord,
Then, I am ready to go!
Just a look at the Horses --
Rapid! That will do!

Put me in on the firmest side --
So I shall never fall --
For we must ride to the Judgment --
And it's partly, down Hill --

But never I mind the steeper --
And never I mind the Sea --
Held fast in Everlasting Race --
By my own Choice, and Thee --

Goodbye to the Life I used to live --
And the World I used to know --
And kiss the Hills, for me, just once --
Then -- I am ready to go!
Emily Dickinson - Tie the Strings to my Life, My Lord

Goodbye Norma Jean

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in


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