"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Monday, October 25, 2004

One two Freddy's coming for you.Three four better lock your door.Five six grab your crucifix.Seven eight gonna stay up late.Nine ten never sleep again

Vader Hearts Horror
Good Evening...*In a Vincent Price voice* This post is dedicated to one of my favorite loves...Horror. My favorite genre of movie, in fact, the only kind of movies I pay to waatch in the theaters. I love the blood, the guts, the fear, the music, the special effects, and especially the cheap tacky thrills and kills. Call me sick and twisted, but I just can’t get enough. No romantic feel good dramas for this chick. I want death and destruction and Kill-Kill-Kill-Killing. Buwahahahahaha

In honor of my love of horror movies, and my favorite holiday….Halloween, I’m going to list some of my favorite horror movies. This is my favorite list, and not in any particular order.

Directed by
John Carpenter

Dr. Sam Loomis : I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blind, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the DEVIL'S eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up for I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... EVIL!

Vader’s Review: Ah yes the original Halloween, by John Carpenter. This movie totally left a mark with the virgin-ous Jamie Lee Curtis and the appearance of hunky psycho Micheal Meyers. I love the music, the crazy Dr. Loomis and especially the stalker scenes with good ol Micheal. Always a great treat. The subsequent movies were okay, I used to go to the theater and watch them every Halloween as a tradition. But nothing compares to the original. Nothing ever does…..

Directed by
Stanley Kubrick

Jack Torrance : You WERE the caretaker here, Mr. Grady.
Delbert Grady : No sir, YOU are the caretaker. You've always been the caretaker. I ought to know: I've always been here.

Danny Torrance : Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.

Jack Torrance : Wendy.
Wendy Torrance : Stay away.
Jack Torrance : Darling. Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the fuck in. Ha, ha.

Vader’s Review: What can I say? I’m obsessed with Stanley Kubrick. I love all his films, but this one is definitely a favorite. (Full Metal Jacket, Clockwork Orange close seconds). Kubrick definitely makes the story his own, deviating greatly from Stephen King’s masterpiece. Have you noticed how in every scene of the Shining there are the colors red, white and blue? There are tons of fun references in this creepy and excellent movie. Jack Nicholson is the bomb. The guy in the bear suit epitomizes Kubrick’s over the top sexual frustration. I’m still scared to stay in hotel rooms numbered 217.

Homer: Good Eeevening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some *crybabies* out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now

Vader’s Review: Okay now, I know the Simpson’s don’t count as Horror. But, I sooooo love their Halloween specials. Amazing parodies each and every one. The political undertones truly serve as works of art. Gotta LOVE IT!

Directed by
Tobe Hooper
[first lines]
Narrator : The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But, had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Vader’s Review: Texas Chainsaw and Leatherface…. I cant get enough. A freak who kills people and uses their skin as masks. The real Leatherface is supposedly based on this guy. My favorite scenes would go between any scene with the guy in the wheelchair freaking out, and the BEST scene being the dinner with the family and “grandpa”.

Directed by
Rob Zombie
Captain Spaulding : Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!

Vader’s Review: FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Rob Zombie created an instant cult classic. His wife Darla Moon is totally foxy, fine, sick ass twisted HOT too. This movie combined all the essential elements of horror, had an amazing soundtrack. Zombies crosscuts and cinematography FUCKING ROCKED MY WORLD. I love this movie.

Directed by
Wes Craven
Tina Gray : Please, God...
Fred Krueger : [Shows off his glove] This... is God.

Rod Lane : I probably could have saved her if I'd have moved sooner. But I thought it was just another nightmare, like the one I had the night before. There was... there was this guy; he had knives for fingers

Vader’s Review: I will always remember watching this movie at a slumber party my sophomore year in high school. The total set up, 5 puberty riddled girls in pajamas clinging to each other for dear life as we learn all these teens are having the SAME DREAM! Freddy was so scary and dark in the original movie. Not at all the humorous character that we love today. Not sure which I prefer really. Probably the original… pre Robert England. Lol. I just will never forget that feeling of creepiness when I first watched this. Hair raising on the back of my head scary. Nothing will ever compare to this experience. Of course, after the movie, us grrrls did what we had to do to comfort each other. Use your imagination there.

Directed by
Don Coscarelli 1979

Jody : No warning shots. Warning shots are bullshit, you shoot to kill or you don't shoot at all.
The Tall Man : You play a good game boy, but the game is finished, now you die.
Jody : I don't get off on funerals man, they give me creeps.

Vader’s Review: Yet another movie I saw at an all girl slumber party. This might have even been my de-virginizing horror experience. At this sleepover, I was much, much younger. I think still in elementary school. We all kept screaming about “the Finger” and “the Tall Man”. It was the talk for weeks and weeks. These horror images burned into our young and impressionable minds. I loved it all the same, and oh yes, this first taste of horror began my unquenchable thirst.

Directed by
Brian De Palma
1976 Based on the Novel by Stephen King

Margaret White : I should've killed myself when he put it in me. After the first time, before we were married, Ralph promised never again. He promised, and I believed him. But sin never dies. Sin never dies. At first, it was all right. We lived sinlessly. We slept in the same bed, but we never did it. And then, that night, I saw him looking down at me that way. We got down on our knees to pray for strength. I smelled the whiskey on his breath. Then he took me. He took me, with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on his breath, and I liked it. I liked it! With all that dirty touching of his hands all over me. I should've given you to God when you were born, but I was weak and backsliding, and now the devil has come home. We'll pray.
Carrie : Yes.
Margaret White : We'll pray. We'll pray. We'll pray for the last time. We'll pray.

Vader’s Review: I didn’t get to see this one as a kid, but I heard lots and lots of playground talk about it. One of my friends saw it, and told me all about it at recess. I especially remember her telling me about the ending, with Carrie reaching out from the grave to grab a girl. When I saw the movie, I totally LOVED it. Especially the tampon scene when Carrie has her period. Classic and totally reminiscent of junior high locker room torture. I also read the book by Stephen King, which I must say, was better. Though I do LOVE the bloody visuals and images. He He Pigs blood.

Alfred Hitchcock 1960

Norman Bates' Mother : No! I tell you no! I won't have you bringing some young girl in for supper! By candlelight, I suppose, in the cheap, erotic fashion of young men with cheap, erotic minds!
Norman Bates : Mother, please...!
Norman Bates' Mother : And then what? After supper? Music? Whispers?
Norman Bates : Mother, she's just a stranger. She's hungry, and it's raining out!
Norman Bates' Mother : "Mother, she's just a stranger"! As if men don't desire strangers! As if... ohh, I refuse to speak of disgusting things, because they disgust me! You understand, boy? Go on, go tell her she'll not be appeasing her ugly appetite with MY food... or my son! Or do I have tell her because you don't have the guts! Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy?
Norman Bates : Shut up! Shut up!

Vader’s Review: Alfred Hitchcock, the legend himself. What more can I say about this man and this movie but….WOW! I must point out the irony in the fact that Janet Leigh is Jamie Lee Curtis’s mother.

Oh and let me also dazzle you with some 80’s lyrics… just for a kick

When I?m in the shower, I?m afraid to wash my hair ?Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there People say I?m crazy, just a little touched But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much, that?s why I always feel like somebody?s watchin? me And I have no privacy Oh, oh, oh, I always feel like somebody?s watchin? me Who?s playin? tricks on me
-Rockwell and the one and only Micheal Jackson (now that’s horror)

Directed by
Sean S. Cunningham 1980

Jay Jay Jay Jay
Son Son Son Son
Kill Kill Kill Kill
Ha Ha Ha Ha

Alice : The boy... is he dead, too?
Tierney : Who?
Alice : The boy. Jason.
Tierney : Jason?
Alice : In the lake, the one... the one who attacked me... the one who pulled me underneath the water.
Tierney : Ma'am, we didn't find any boy.
Alice : But... then he's still out there.

Vader’s Review: I love all the Friday the 13th movies, I even loved the recent movie “Freddy vs. Jason”. The original Friday the 13th killer is Jason Vorhees mother, then he takes revenge and reeks hell raisin havoc in the sequels. Gotta love the cheesy sex scenes in these movies…. You know as soon as they have sex… Here’s Jason. Knife through the bed. I loved how Jason kicked Freddy’s ass in Freddy v. Jason. Cant wait for a re-match.

Directed by
Wes Craven

Killer: Do you like scary movies?
Sidney Prescott : What's the point they're all the same, some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act and is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door, it's insulting.

Randy : There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to survive a horror movie. First, you can never drink or do drugs.
[crowd boos]
Randy : Second, you can never have sex. BIG NO NO. It's a sin. It's an extension of number 1. And last, you can never, ever, ever under any circumstances say "I'll be right back," 'Cause you won't be back.
Stu : I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?
Randy : Sure.
Stu : I'll be right back.
Randy : See, you stretch the rules and you end up dead. I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.

Vader’s Review: Wes Craven Scream movies ROCK. Total parodies warped into a twisted, comical and scary horror film. Horror films that make fun of horror films as a genre. As a film geek...I gotta love it.

Happy Almost Halloween Guys. If my love of horror offends you, please refer to Homer’s above referenced disclaimer.

Dewey : How do you know that my dimwitted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation, used to lower people's expectations, thereby enhancing my ability to effectively maneuver within any given situation?

Killer: What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy : Showgirls. Absolutely frightening.


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