"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Sunday, October 17, 2004

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted- nevermore...PANIC ATTACK

Each breath heavy as led
I grasp my spasm stinging heart
Tingling needles creep down my arm
Causing internal cartwheels
And painful palpitations
Time to die
The end
No breath left
Blinding fear
Accelerating heartbeat
ready to explode
I pop a pll
and the panic
melts away…..
-Vadergrrrl 10/2004

Berkeley Bezerk
At 23, during my first semester at Cal Berkeley, I sat in my Gender Relations class about to give an oral presentation. My group and I studied the psychology and double standard of sexuality in the expectations of a boyfriend v. a girlfriend. We argued that boyfriends were expected to have a vast sexual history, while girlfriends(and potential wives) were held to a “saint” status. We complied hundreds of surveys and statistics to prove our argument. Confident in our results, and psycheing myself up for performance, I started feeling dizzy. My heart pounded so hard, it seemed ready to explode. Then came this sharp pain, and a shortness of breath. I wrote a note to my friend

“I think you need to take me to the emergency room. I feel like Im having a heart attack”.

She calmly read my note and sent back this reply. “You are not having a heart attack. You are having a panic attack. Take this Xanax, deep breathe, and you will be fine”. I took the Xanax, and several deep breaths. The pain soon ended, and my panic stopped. This would be my first “Panic Attack”.

Supermarket Freak Outs and Flip Flopedy Hearts
After this, they started happening more frequently. I remember one night, awaking in my sleep from a night terror, to my heart flip-flopping like a jack-in-the-box out of control. My breathing seemed force, my mind raced, I was convinced I was dying. By this time I had knowledge of panic attacks, and also had my own prescription for Xanax to control the episodes. Other times I would get attacks in public places, like the supermarket. Overwhelmed in a crowded ghetto store, I would break out in a cold sweat, with my heart racing, and skipping beats. All I could do was leave my groceries, go in to my car, deep breath and drive home. These attacks seemed to control my life.

Zen and Mind Control
I think marijuana can trigger panic attacks in many people. You become so out of control stoned, that your mind will race and cause paranoia and panic. Because of this, I avoided smoking pot for a while. Then, I realized the trick, how to outwit, outplay and outsmart the attacks. By deep breathing, positive thinking, and calm, I was able to think and breathe my way out of an attack. Due to my revelation, my panic attack episodes lasted only a few years. I stopped medicating with prescription pills, and relied completely on mind control.

Panic Revisted
Two years ago, I woke up from my sleep with a racing heart, sharp chest pains, and a shortness of breath. I called my family doctor, and left a night messages worried about a heart attack. The doctor called me back immediately, and talked me through the attack. “Do you have a history of panic attack?” he asked. I told him I had, but I hadn’t had a panic attack in at least six years. He told me to come in first thing in the morning, but to continue to deep breathe. Sure enough, everything was fine….besides my mind. Panic was back.

You Can Chose Your Friends But Not Your Family
I have been panic free since that night, until this evening. Personal family drama and resulting dysfunctional conversation overwhelmed me to the point of fear. I could feel the pre-panic, my heartbeat beginning to race. Luckily, I have Xanax here, and was able to medicate and breathe my way out of it. Mind over matter, deep cleansing breaths, think positive, this too shall pass.

According to the website Anxietypanic.com
A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than having anxiety or the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. One out of every 75 people will experience a panic attack at one time in their lives.

* raging heartbeat
*difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air
* terror that is almost paralyzing
* dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
* a feeling of imminent danger or doom;
* the need to escape; palpitations;
* shortness of breath or a smothering feeling;
*trembling, sweating, shaking
*choking, chest pains
*hot flashes, or sudden chills
*tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
* fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Panic Attack Recovery site

Panic Fever
If you get panic attacks you are not alone. This doesn’t make you weak, or frail. For me, deep breathing and mind control served as the key. Xanax helps too, but I learning how to breathe and control your mind without drugs, is the true answer.

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
-Billy Joel

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
-by Edgar Allan Poe


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