"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Who ya callin a SLUT???!!

Repost from 9/7/04

If I admit that I love sex, does that make me a slut?

Are “good girls” only allowed to have sex in monogamous relationships after we wait several weeks? Is it okay for women to use men for sex, and not give a shit the next day?

Are married women supposed to lie there like dud spuds or refuse sex to be good girls? Is it okay for women to enjoy sex, revel in it, and do anything and everything to please our partner?

How about men who brag about being studs with countless notches on their belt buckles, who then insist on marrying a virgin. Is it not okay for women to have slept with more men, then their male partner?

Now who is more of a “slut”…the woman who loves sex, has sexual relations with different men and women, but is honest and open about everything. Or, the woman who pretends to be a good girl, and secretly behind her husbands back, is fucking all his friends, relatives, etc. Now, which is worse?

If these things at times describe me….. am I then a slut?

Short skirt, bright lipstick, no panties, porn loving, liberated, adventurous, S&M practicing, taboo breaking, insatiable, multiple partners, serial monogamous, player

*If your answer is Yes, Yes, Yes, that makes you a SLUT, SLUT, SLUT. Well then, what the hell is so wrong with being a “slut” anyway? What and whose standards are we trying to live up to?

-I found a really good essay on “Sluts” on ZenSlut.com. I could not have said it better. Enjoy.

defining "slut"
slut [slut] n.: 1. a dirty, slovenly woman. 2. a sexually promiscuous woman --slut'tish adj.

dirty [dirt' y] adj. -i-er -i-est 1. not clean. 2. obscene. 3. contemptable or nasty. 4. unfair; dishonest. 5. rough, as weather. -vt., vi. dirt'ied, dirt'y-ing to make or become dirty -dirt'i-ness n.

sloven adj. a careless, untidy person. -slov'en-ly, -lier, -liest, adj

promiscuous adj. 1. consisting of different elements indiscriminantly mingled. 2. characterized by a lack of discrimination, esp. in sexual liasons -prom-is-cu-i-it-y, pl. -ities, n. -pro-mis'cu-ous-ly adv.

synonyms are: slattern, wanton ("a women who engages in lewd, unseemly conduct"), minx, blowsy, dowdy, draggletailed, frowsy, sordid, careless, disordered, neglected, poky, bedraggled, disheveled, draggled, messy, mussy, slipshod, sloppy, unkempt, untidy, dirty, filthy, foul, grimy, squalid, baggage, bimbo, cyprian, hussy, jade, jezebel, pig, strumpet, tramp, trollop, trull, wench, harlot, prostitute, loose woman, saucebox, broad, brat, upstart, chippy, drab, floozy, tart.

antonyms are: clean, fresh, neat, tidy, trim, smart, immaculate, spotless.

it seems, then, that a slut is a woman who fucks indiscriminantly, who is careless about her sexual partners, and is "contemptable," "nasty," "obscene," and "unfair." "unfair" may be the most interesting of the related words. how is it that a slut can at the same time be indiscriminate ("not discriminate; wanting discrimination; undistinguishing; not making any distinction; confused;") AND unfair ("not fair; not honest; not impartial; disingenuous; using or involving trick or artifice; dishonest; unjust; unequal")? she's indiscriminate, just apparently not indiscriminate ENOUGH, since a slut is a woman who will fuck anybody--just not you.

none of the definitions indicate a number, a threshhold beyond which a woman goes from being simply sexually active to being a slut. the reason, no doubt, is because the determination that a woman is a slut is highly subjective, and she needn't even BE sexually active to be awarded with the label. she's a slut if she won't fuck you, she's a slut if she DID fuck you but had no need for you afterwards, she's a slut if she's enjoying sex more than you are, she's a slut when her skirt is too short, her shirt too tight, her lipstick too red, her mascara too dark, her sexuality too much her own. she's a slut when someone else says she is.

to the women who are asking, "how do i tell if i'm a slut?," the answer that our culture gives you is that you know you're a slut if someone else calls you one. it's all about what OTHER PEOPLE think of you. the baggage in our culture around the word (see the definitions above) make it an unlikely label for a woman to apply to herself. who would call herself "dirty," "wonton," or "disordered"? society feeds us plenty of negative thoughts to have about ourselves; we don't need to do it to ourselves, too.

as a woman who challenges society's baggage around the word "slut," and readily embraces it, i would like to offer a different interpretation of the word. i propose that a slut is a sexually empowered woman. a slut is a woman who embraces her sexuality and refuses to let anyone else own it but herself. a slut is a woman who enjoys her sexuality, REVELS in her sexuality, and fucks as her wont is will. she is NOT indiscriminate; to the contrary, she choses only to sleep with people who respect her choices, and her ultimate authority over her own body. she won't sleep with just anybody, but only with people who deserve to share in the awesome sexual power she possesses. she is NOT ashamed; she is powerful, proud, righteous, and deserving of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

how do you know if you're a slut? you're a slut if YOU say you are. it can be an empowering word when it is applied to oneself out of respect for the power of one's sexuality, rather than slurred as an epitaph by a jilted lover. the more of us women (and, hell, men) who embrace the word with a positive connotation, the closer we get to living in a society that values the power of female sexuality as equally as it values male sexuality. if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is slinging the label "slut" at you as if it's something you should be ashamed of, tell them "thank you," and smile when you say it. i do.

20 comments:

lab munkay said...

Ummm, I'm both a slut and a bitch and don't consider eather to be negitive. Because I label myself in those terms. I guess how other people see it is their problem. I just try not to brag about being a strong sex loving female.

Gage said...

I like this post! I'm all of those things and more, and if some man doesn't like it, well it's definitely his loss. I think most women who are comfortable with themselves have played many roles from promiscuous one night stand lover to monogamous dinner maker and care taker. That's what makes a well rounded person I think, someone who can be many things (sexual and not) and still retain a good sense of self.

I'd say you're doing ok, and if we are sluts, then we are sluts together!

cheers!

Brent said...

I would have to say that we are all sluts, then. Sluts of the world UNITE!!!!

Dozer said...

Hey more power to ya, if you like it do it and screw what everyone else thinks (they are probably just jealous or mad because you know and get what you want)

And about that Birthday spanking I'm still waiting!

Anonymous said...

oh

Vadergrrrl said...

lab monkey #9 - i sooooo agree with you. if someone has a problem with a sexually liberated female... well then, its their problem. fuck em. literally and figuratively.

Gage - we are sluts together... yay! xxxooo. i so agree with you. im so tired of being chastised for being into sex, and using guys for sex when i need to. as long as its safe, honest and open, whats the problem?

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Sluts rule, and I drool.

Easy on the whips there, though. I'm not a sub!

Anonymous said...

"What and whose standards are we trying to live up to?"Excellent point!!! Cool Blog. Cheers.

Todd said...

Hi, Texas T-bone here. I think the definition of "slut" is a girl who wouldn't go out with me in high school. I wish I had been used and abused more back then: it was my fantasy.

Really, women enjoying sex is gooooooooood. And really, I don't think it's the number of notches in your belt as much as how deep those notches are. Quantity is good, quality is better. Both in tandem, of course, are best.

Lili said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog! Loved this post - its always such a double standard - the confident sexually aggressive and adventurous woman somehow always manages to be a slut. ( If so count my ass in that bracket please!) yet the male version is a stud.
I may be a wife now - but that doesn't make me any less of a freak who likes to fuck!

Ryan said...

I'll never make fun of Star Wars conventions ever again, if there's girls like this at them.

-muscle68

Oz said...

This reminds me of a great episode of "Roseanne" where Jackie tells her then boyfriend Fred that she's slept with 45 men (she guesses by figuring that she's slept with 3 men per year for fifteen years--I can't remember how many years exactly, so it's 45 men more or less). Anyway, then she finds out that he's slept with like 6 women, so he's all crushed. Then Roseanne yells at Jackie for telling the truth and tells her what she'd told Dan (her husband, in case you lived under a rock in the 90s). Dan told her that he'd had sex with 5 women, so she figured that really meant that he'd had sex with 4 women, so she told him she'd had sex with 3 men to be sure to be under his 4 women, even though she'd had sex with 6 guys. Classic. Good stuff all around, and a great example of the games men and women feel compelled to play with one another.

Gooseneck said...

Hey slut!

See, that sounds so demeaning, and of course I didn't mean it to. I'm glad that you are comfortable enough to talk about your own sexuality and that sex makes you happy. Sex is a great thing, that is for sure... And the word is just that, a word. It's good to see that it doesn't bother you.

Thanks for stopping by Gooseneck and leaving a comment. You got a cool place here too.

Vadergrrrl said...

Brent - Sluts unite. i love it. *smooch*

Dozer- all i have to do is cross that metal bridge and your ass in mine.

Cigarette Smoking Man - Im okay being the sub if you will spank me and let me call you "daddy"

Texas T-Bone - you are so right. its not quantity, its quality. i may have had both though. lol

Lili - a married freak that likes to fuck is a fucking awesome thing. you go girl. i will definately be back to your site.

Ryan - us star wars nerds are sex freaks. didnt you know that?

Oz- i love Roseanne. i totally remember that episode too. so true. thanks for the awesome comment.

Goose - once your in your 30's no silly name will bother you. thanks for comming by. you make me all excited thinking about top gun. xxxoooooo

Gustavo said...

you know I don't where no cotton drawers

Dozer said...

Just bring it! but dont think I wont spank you back.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

If you feel like a pimp, go on brush your shoulders off
Ladies is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off...

;)

Debra said...

I never put the slut label on myself, and probably never will, except when joking about the numbers... after 5, I had to start keeping a list I fear..lol. I just figure yeah, I like sex, I enjoy sex, so what?

Considering half of my sexual relations were very quiet, and while in some social groups, yeah, I was the girl to get friendly with when in need, I was also the only girl who was never grouped with the sluts and hos in that social group.

Yes, I put out. Yes, I loved it. Yes I sought a few men out. But no one ever dared put that label on me because I did it with tact, and used common sense.

No, not a completely negative label, because it's a matter of perception over anything else. If you see yourself as low and slovenly, well... slut's not a good thing for you.

Anonymous said...

What a great read for someone who thinks their hymen may have grown back!

Getting back on the pony, as I'm looking to do soon, is going to be hard in this town, but maybe not so hard after reading your post.

Thank you!

Diva said...

Ah, slut - a label near and dear to my heart, for all th reasons you have outlined so well. In our patriarchical society, many men are uncomfortable with sexually-empowered women and hence the games and labels. So many times they enjoy the thought of it but when it comes to long term relationships and repect many men cannot combine the two - a woman who openly enjoys sex with a potential life partner he can respect. It's their problem. I'm just me. If they don't like it they can move on. Great post.

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