"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Monday, September 20, 2004

Dead Ringers and Lumpy Rutherford

I am not afraid...well okay, I am afraid
I have always had a weird fear of dying,of cancer, and a subsequent phobia of doctors. I do not like stripping buck nekkid under some paper towel mini-sheet, and lying on a cold sterile bed to then be prodded and examined. This fear has haunted me since childhood, and I recall times I would refuse to disrobe for certain doctors. This could possibly result from unresolved molestation issues, who the hell knows with a neurotic mess like me? It’s just been a major phobia for as long as I can remember.

Dead Ringers Really FREAKED me out!
When I was barely 18, and became sexually active with my “first love”, we decided that I should go to the health department and get on birth control pills. This was right after I watched the movie Dead Ringers, where these two gynecologist twins use all sorts of medieval torture devises to abuse “patients”. I was so scared going in for that visit, the groovy feminist looking doctor made things a little less unbearable. Stripping down to nothing, putting my feet spread eagle in these cold metal stirrups, I felt so violated I cried for hours afterwards. This is something I have never gotten used to or may ever be comfortable with.

Women Know Women
For some reason, going to a female doctor is easier for me. I guess because they are women, and they know and understand how horrible that procedure feels. With crappy insurance that I have had, or none over the years, sometimes I have had no choice but to see a male doctor. This really freaks me out; first of all, I don’t understand why men want to become gynecologists. The psychology to it just weirds me out.

Thanks Doctor
With my last boyfriend we decided that I should get the IUD. This meant I had to go to a specialist who performed “the insertion”. The only one available was a male, some middle-eastern man with a funny accent. Though it was against policy, I made a stink so my boyfriend could be with me during the procedure. Again there I was nekkid from the waist down, legs spread eagle in stirrups for the world to see. Ahh the humiliation! At least my boyfriend had seen it before. The doctor was sweet and a bit of a character, and I guess he decided he was gonna liberate me there and then from my frigidity. After he sticks the metal rape-like instrument inside me, he grabs a mirror and asks in his thick accent “have you ever seen your uterus?”. I could have died. Speechless, he didn’t wait for a reply and holds up the mirror giving my boyfriend and I a medical beaver shot. “Gee thanks”, I thought.

Oh Its Just a Lump
Ahh the joys of womanhood. But the biggest thrill was yet to come. A couple of years ago while getting a breast exam, my female doctor says “oh… I found a lump…. Here feel.” Sure enough, there was a lump in my left breast. This then required a mammogram and ultrasound to determine whether or not the lump was cancerous. The fear of dying really overcame me then, I saw my life pass before my eyes, and realized how much I wanted to see my son’s graduation, marriage, my grandchildren.

YOWIE!!!!!
Getting a mammogram is another form of sadomasochist torture. Instead of stripping nekkid from the waist down, you strip from the waist up. Then a nurse feels you up and adjusts your breast into these cold metal slabs. I remember her saying “now this is gonna hurt” but hells bells, I had NO IDEA. She then leaves the room and turns on this torture machine that squeezes your boob so hard, it almost becomes a pancake. The machine then holds your boob, in this tight vice while it takes photos. This is the most excruciating pain; it took all my energy not to cry.

Call Me Lumpy Rutherford
The lump turned out to be nothing, and eventually went away. Maybe I’m just lumpy? Well, the other day, while giving myself a breast exam (an important thing for all women to do) I found another lump. This also happens to be in the same place where I was bitten really hard by my soldier friend, so it could just be swelling… but? This means going to my doctor and getting a referral for another mammogram. Yikes! Just what I need now. Lumps are fairly common in women, and usually nothing. But, it’s always scary, especially when you already have a major phobia of doctors.

Now Cough Boys
I know guys have to get nekkid and have a doctor hold their balls while they cough. I’m sure that is humiliating, but it just doesn’t seem like men go through the same kind of torture women do. Mammograms and pap smears just seem much more invasive and torturous.

Here is information for how to do a home breast exam.

Here is a link to support the fight against breast cancer.

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