"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Vadergrrrl Observations

Some strange and bizarre Saturday night questions and life observations.

I still wonder if I believe in love. Is there some light force that draws humans together for life? There is caring and companionship, but is there this undying intense, fated feeling that lasts a lifetime? I want to believe, but I question. Maybe its because my parents divorced, maybe its because I am divorced. Relationships seem to come and go, people walk into our lives one day, and then are gone the next. The memories live forever, but the relationship ends and eventually is replaced. Does destiny and fate play a part in things? I have met people before who I feel like I have known for a lifetime. I have also looked into the eyes of a future boyfriend and had that special spark, that snap, that moment in time where you know. I think we were meant to be together, but it was obviously not meant for life. Love dies..... or does it?

Can human nature be trustworthy enough to really care for someone? How do we not get so wrapped up in ourselves to really be there for anyone else? I have a hard time trusting anyone. It seems like when you trust someone they always hurt you. I love people, and care so much I would do the world. This worries me since I question my co-dependency and caring. Moving around a lot, I have made many friends. My memories with them now exist in photographs and scattered stories. Its always been easier for me to move on. I rarely keep in touch, I just move away on good terms. I still care about the people whose lives did a momentary planetary collide with mine. I just don’t keep in touch, and then with guilt and shame, I lock them away in my heart. I do have friends from elementary school and high school. These women serve somewhat as my dysfunctional family since my real family was never there. I’m connected to these souls in a strange and eternal way. But the others I care for and come across, though I feel intensely, I leave them eventually. Maybe I’m just a horrible person, maybe I have a problem with trust.

Why is it so easy to separate sex and love? Its funny that I feel as if I don’t need love, but then I do need sex. Sex is animal like and primal. It could be an abuse issue, perhaps I’m able to leave my body during sex and detach. This may be what makes me so wild. This also may be a survival mechanism stemming from past abuse.

Dive Bars
Why does Jimmy Buffet, Steve Miller and Blue Oyster Cult serve as staple songs for every jukebox? No matter what dive bar I go to, the same songs always play. This is a constant that defies any geographic. Sometimes you will hear Sublime, Black Sabbath, Bruce, Pat, Charlie Daniels Band or Steppenwolf. But its always the same friggin songs! What is up with that?

Discovering you have ADD as an adult is difficult. You knew there was something different about you growing up. Disorganized, sloppy handwriting, always in a rush, your mind races so fast. You can never sit still or hold attention for long. You talk really, really fast and say things without thinking. You’re impulsive as hell. A psychologist told me there are drugs to treat this. My mother and sisters say that they would have put me on drugs as a kid, if that was the fashion in the 70s. Thank god it wasn’t. Let me pick the drugs I want to take please, thank you.

All the geniuses of the world have been dyslexic. From Einstein to Da Vinci. Its embarrassing when you cant spell simple words like shark and you mispronounce things over and over with constant correction. Your mind just does not see things the same way. You mix things up and read things differently. Why I didn’t get diagnosed as a kid defies belief. Why didnt they notice? Having an older sister with a diagnosis in same school system, and all the classic signs. Maybe because my mother protested the school system so severely with my older sister’s diagnosis, they didn’t want to tackle that again. I wish I would have known then, it would have explained a lot of things. The only B I have ever received at Berkeley was due to grammatical errors. The TA told me your content is amazing, but your grammatical errors can not be overlooked. I edited those pieces over and over, till I cried sometimes. I just could not see the errors, my mind does not work that way. I wish I would have been diagnosed then, and had been able to have the protection of the Disabled Students Center. But then, would I have still graduated UC Berkeley class of 1996 with highest distinction if I had such a public excuse?

Living is darkness has been the way of my life. I have always been depressed, there has never been a year of my life without it. It comes and goes yes, but it is almost as predictable as clockwork. Sometimes I will be feeling great and all of a sudden I have this premonition of an oncoming depression. I don’t want to happen, I just KNOW its coming. It always does. Especially seasonally, holidays and birthdays. I hope to overcome my battle with depression. Then I wonder if it is genetic. This considering the high number of suicides on both sides of my family.

On Being PunkRock/Goth
I always say I will give up being punk rock when I have money. Well I’m still waiting for the money, and now being punk is getting old. I’m getting old, and I don’t want to be a burned out punker when I’m in my 40’s. I don’t like labels, I never have. When I say punk rock its more an attitude then label. Its about being pissed off at the government, at capitalist bullshit, and at the popular culture media. Its about being broke and struggle, its about wanting an alternative world. When people see me, they always call me “Goth”. I guess that is more of the look I have. Even dressed up in a business power suit, or all dolled up for some 80’s style wedding dress, this look does not escape me. No matter how hard I try to look “straight”. I guess that is why I tattooed my hand. I have Darth Vader’s tie fighter on the top of my hand between my thumb and my pointer finger. In the same spot gang members tattoo their gangs signs. Fuck it, let people judge me for my tie fighter, let them question whether I am in some gang, some ex prostitute, or jailbird. Society should not judge for how someone looks. You should always look beneath the onion peel.

just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched

the hopes and prays
the better days
the far aways
forget it

it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
and god himself will reach his fucking arm through
just to push you down
just to hold you down
stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it's hard to believe it could come down to thisback at the beginning

and in the end
we still pretend
the time we spend
not knowing when
you're finally free
and you could be

but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
you can try to stop it but

I don't want you and I don't need you
don't bother to resist I'll beat you
It's not your fault that you're always wrong
the weak ones are there to justify the strong
the beautiful people the beautiful people
it's all relative to the size of your steeple
you can't see the forest for the trees
you can't smell
your own shit on your knees
Hey you what do you see?
something beautiful something free?
hey you, are you trying to be mean?
if you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean
there's no time to discriminate,
hate every motherfucker
that's in your way
the worms will live in every host
it's hard to pick which one they eat most
the horrible people, the horrible people
it's as anatomic as the size of your steeple
capitalism has made it this way,
old-fashioned fascism
will take it away

And that’s all she wrote.
-well that last part wasnt me, that was lyrics from NIN and MM.

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Avuncular 1 said...
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Dozer said...

Gotta hate labels and damn ADD it is just annoying (says the guy with ADHD, lol)


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