“Im forever yours….. faithfully”If you an 80’s teen like me, this Journey song brings back sappy memories of slow dancing at some silly high school dance. That was me, all dolled up in a poofy sleeved pink pastel formal, hair teased high with Aqua Net, buzzed off California Coolers bootlegged and drank in the school parking lot, and slow dancing away with my first love. The say young love is always the best love, well it certainly is intense. I will never forget my first love; also my first heartbreak, and the first time I experienced raw and intense infidelity.
CK Boy the Busboy
I will never forget how I met my first love (I will call him CK boy); like something out of a John Huges film gone bad, two wayward teens colliding into each others lives. My girl friends and I used to hang out at the Pizza Hut down the street from my house, were we would order bread sticks, smoke Dunhill cigarettes, and listen to the jukebox for hours. One day we noticed a cute new busboy; tall, baby faced, with piercing eyes and chiseled features. I was smitten. Actually, I had seen him around before; he was notorious in our town for hosting parties up in the hills where he lived. He went to an opposing high school, and reportedly kicked out anyone from our high school who tried to crash one of his hooplas. As he was filling our waters, we exchanged side-ways glances, and later my phone number.
A Magic Voyage the USS 72 Nova
He drove a blue 72 Nova, a car that turns me on to this day. We fast became steadies, spent hours on the phone, and weekends conjoined at the hip. When my parents temporarily kicked me out of the house, his parents were conveniently away on vacation, and for a few weeks we lived together in sin. We shopped for food like a married couple, showered together every day, and slept in each other’s arms. Young, intense and unadulterated love at its finest. CK boy had bought me a promise ring and also took me to the free clinic to start me on birth control. I would not say the sex was amazing, because it was so new to me. Everything was a learning experience, something new and unknown. You could say it was like voyages of the USS Enterprise….
Love and Betrayal
After 6 months of intense bliss, full of first experiences, senior proms, trials and tribulations, things started to cool down. We both graduated from high school and started questioning our futures. I started hanging around new friends, one being my future husband. CK Boy’s friend returned from college for the summer, and they started prowling around the town together full of young testosterone. I remember one summer night CK Boy came to my bedroom window, drunk off cheap beer, with some news to share. Crying and full of emotion he confessed that he had “cheated” on me. Thinking back this is somewhat humorous, because really, who at 18 is going to be completely monogamous? At the time, I was devastated and humiliated, but still so blinded by love that I wanted to work things out. Though we were young and heading in different directions, we wanted to stay together.
The Wrath of Khan
My real name actually means bitter in Hebrew, a reputation I certainly live up to. My favorite line is from Star Trek Wrath of Khan, “revenge is a dish best served cold”. Since hearing that line in the early 80’s, I have used it to further my own agenda. This is especially true in love and war. CK Boy and I stuck together after that, but still partied in our now separate crowds. One night my best friend was having a house party, and our usual crew was in attendance. I spoke to CK Boy on the phone, letting him know I loved him, and that things were going good. With promise ring on my finger, I began flirting and carousing among the crowd. One particular male in attendance was Mike, a tall, extremely good looking bad boy from Bremerton High. (This guy would later join the Marines and become a hardened soldier and Iraq war vet.) Mike was very confident about his looks; he had these amazing puppy dog eyes in which you could stare forever. To me, he looked like my popular culture crush, Matt Dillon. Mike had designs on me this night, and being wounded from CK Boy, I relished in his attention. We played quarters for hours, sitting closer and closer as the night progressed. Somehow, threw shot gunned beer goggles, we moved to a private party in my friend’s parent’s bedroom. It was then that I experienced the wicked pleasure of infidelity, the tingling sensation of illicit skin against skin. We relished in wet sloppy kisses, passionate and forbidden sex, the thrill along with the salty taste of a new lovers skin. (I look back now and hope that we changed and washed the sheets before my friend’s parents returned…. Yikes!)
Human Like Human League
After the initial thrill, guilt set in, and I began to cry and cry about my betrayal. I called CK Boy early the next morning, and he sensed something in my voice. I’ve never been a good liar; hell my problem has always been diarrhea of the mouth. I confessed my sin and CK Boy started to sob. Like any 18-year-old red-blooded male, he demanded to know whom so he could fight. Again, we decided to work things out and stay together, though our mutual betrayal, and separate crowds were the beginning of the end.
On a fall night in my parent’s driveway, CK Boy, broke my heart. He told me he “loved me but wasn’t in love with me” (classic fucking line eh?) and that he wanted to move on. Tears ran down my face, though I knew this first love relationship had to end. CK Boy wanted to see what else was out there, to see if he could find something “better”. It was that last part that really hurt, I not only felt rejected but I felt substandard. The fucker. I ripped up all our photographs and broke all our love trinkets. I hated him and wished we had never met. I pawned the promise ring for drugs, and acted out in other destructive and heartbroken ways. Soon after, I got together with my son’s father, was pregnant and married, but never to forget my first love and heartbreak.
Years later, after my divorce and graduation from Berkeley, I returned to my hometown for a stint. Hanging out in the beer garden of a local yokel festival, I ran into CK Boy. He had the same chiseled face, with a now body of an excess 40 pounds. He was in the process of divorcing too, and was so happy to see me again. Like a typical feel good ultra-drama movie, he told me he never forgot me, and that there was no one in his life like me. He said he never stopped loving me and I was the best he ever had. Magic words I so wanted to hear 10 years earlier. Words you always want to hear from someone who broke your heart. We went out a couple times, and I realized what a selfish ass he was. He hadn’t changed since high school, everything was about him, and he was controlling as hell. These things I never noticed when blinded by first love. So, I did what any vindicated ex would do, I took him home, had great and amazing sex with him, and then dumped his ass. Never called him back, didn’t return his calls…. Nothing. Well when I say amazing sex, I mean for him. I had acquired sexual liberation and skills by this point, and was not the innocent teen I used to be. I wouldn’t say he was a lousy lay; he just didn’t rock my socks off so to speak. I guess another reason, I dumped him. Ah revenge…. Pure and simple. Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice…. Shame on me.
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"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"
Thursday, August 12, 2004
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