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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Everything I needed to know about High School I learned from Fast Times

80's Teenager Hell
Being a teenager in the 80’s wasn’t all that easy. Come on now, we had Reagonomics, Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No to Drugs”, Neon, Glam Rock, Boy George, synthesizer everything, really weird hairstyles, and oh yes… AIDS. It wasn’t like the free lovin Rod Stewart 70’s, where you could fuck anything and everything. We lived in fear; fear of AIDS, fear of nuclear war, fear or a bad hair day, and fear of “drugs”. These were some strange days. Luckily, we had Cameron Crowe’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High to teach us the rules of survival.

Cable TV and the Discovery
The first time I saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High I must have been in junior high school. Though it came out in 82, it was an R movie, and I never would have been allowed to watch it in the theater. Thank God for cable TV. In the mid 80’s cable was the newest shizat on the planet, and once installed in our neck of the woods, we all got it. This included ShowTime, HBO and skinamax. On one or all of those channels I was first exposed to R movies. This is how I saw Fast Times, the Blue Lagoon, Last American Virgin, Porkys and a bunch of other teenage R movies.

Fast Times had the most impact on me. It’s a movie I have seen probably over 100 times, and I learned a lot about myself, and teenager life from this cult classic.

Beware of Ron Johnson
For example, watch out for older stereo-salesmen types named Ron Johson; they will steal your virginity. Though as you may have read from an earlier post dedicated to Ron Johnson, I learned this lesson the hard way. My guy was older, yes, not named Ron Johnson, but a car salesman none the less. My guy also knew I was under 18, but proceeded to get me drunk and take my cherry anyway. Though my guy didn’t take me to “the point”, he instead took me to a classier location; the bedroom of a local drummer who conveniently was gone for the evening. Ah yes, watch for those older age salesman types…. They will take your innocence and run.

Use Caution with Mike Damone
Another lesson learned from Fast Times; beware of Mike Damones; the friend of the nice guy, who seems all smooth and knowledgeable. They too are only interested in cheap sex. Damone types talk the talk, but when it comes to performance, they do the ol “in out, in out” for about two seconds. Then, after their short and disappointing performance, they have the nerve to ask you if you came! These guys also basically only screw you to get their friends girl, then they run quick and tell your once guy that you are “a very aggressive girl”. Damone types also get you pregnant off the two second rendezvous… then they ditch out when its time to help pay for the abortion. Personally, I never fell for a Damone type, sure I may have slept with a few two minute wonders, but it seems most guys in high school where like that anyway.

Always have a super cool chick like Linda on your side
When in High School if possible, hook up with a good girl friend like Linda. She can teach you how to give a crappy blowjob in the high school cafeteria with a carrot. She can also teach you other great things about sex, like how much cum comes out of a male and when is the best time to orgasm with your mate. Linda is also fiercely protective, you fuck with her friend, and she will seek revenge. Like spraypainting “little prick” on the guy’s car and locker who fucks you over. She also is good at giving you a reality check with it comes to romance. “Stace… you want romance in Ridgemont? We cant even get cable TV here.”

Embrace the Mark Ratner types
Another important high school lesson; don’t blow off the nice guy Mark Ratner types. These guys are generally shy and average looking, but will blossom into a real catch if you stay with them. They are the types that visit you when you work at the photo booth, buying 50 dollars worth of film, and never even owning a camera. These types will take you out to an expensive meal, and then when you try to seduce them, will shy away and make an excuse to leave. These are nice boys, who don’t move fast. These types really, really like you and if you date them for a year, they will still honor your virtue.

Here are some other tips learned from this masterful movie.

1. When teachers pass out test papers you can sniff them and get high.
2. There is no eating. E-A-T-I-N-G in Mr. Hand’s class
3. You can cheat on tests by writing the answers on your Risky Business shades, sitting next to a left handed student, or writing them on your thigh and pulling up your mini skirt.
4. When your really high, bang checker Vans across your skull for effect
5. Mr. Vargas is cranky when on Sanka coffee (80’s decaffeinated coffee)
6. Cultivating the Pat Benetar look is very cool. (headband, hot pants, leg warmers, stripes, and short hair)
7. When having sex for the first time (or second time) always listen to Jackson Browne (song "Somebody's Baby")
8. When trying to make a move on a girl on a date, always put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
9. People on Ludes should not drive!
10. If you do crash the football star’s car while out joyriding, make it look like it was vandalized by the opposing team prior to a football game. This will get you in the clear, and help the school win the game.
11. Damone’s 5 point plan is the law when it comes to dating
12. Always lock the door to the bathroom when masturbating and there is company over
13. When sneaking to get an abortion, and pretending to go bowling, make sure your brother is out of site BEFORE you saunter over to the abortion clinic
14. When you work fast food, never tell a customer you are going to “kick 100 percent of their ass”
15. No shirt, no shoes… no dice. Learn it, live it, know it!


My favorite Guys
I could go on, and on with the wisdom I learned from that wounderful and glorious film. Each time I watch it, I learn a new leasson. The characters in the film are amazing. One character that sneaks in almost un-noticed is Brad’s Bud, played by Nicholas Cage. He has a couple scenes; like when he slaps high five with Brad after he pulls into the high school parking lot in the cruising vessel. Nick can also be seen wussing out, when Brad gets fired. Nick offers no help to Brad, and simply looks down while flipping burgers, as Brad has the altercation with the angry customer. Another character I love is Jeff Spicolli’s little brother Curtis. He can be seen coming into Jeff’s bedroom waking him up , or warning him about Mr. Hand. Curtis calls Jeff a “buttwhole” and a “booger” and then when Jeff throws a checkered Van at him he winches and screams “Dad! Jeff threw his shoe at me!”. Classic little brother scene.

Fast Times also has one of the best cast ensembles in history. Here are some of the more memorable actors.

Sean Penn .... Jeff Spicoli
Jennifer Jason Leigh .... Stacy Hamilton
Judge Reinhold .... Brad Hamilton
Phoebe Cates .... Linda Barrett
Forest Whitaker .... Charles Jefferson
Eric Stoltz .... Stoner Bud
Nicolas Cage .... Brad's Bud (as Nicolas Coppola)
Anthony Edwards .... Stoner Bud
Pamela Springsteen (yup related to Bruce).... Dina Phillips


Memorable Quotes from
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)


Mike Damone : I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner : Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone : That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark Ratner : The attitude?
Mike Damone : Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

Mike Damone : Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?

Mike Damone : I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.

Mike Damone : You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.

[The "five-point plan"]
Mike Damone : First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Jeff Spicoli : All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Jeff Spicoli : [driving and stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.

[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
Jefferson's Brother : My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli : Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother : My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli : Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother : First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli : Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

Jeff Spicoli : No shirt, no shoes...
Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton : Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
[Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe]
Jeff Spicoli : That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

Stacy Hamilton : When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett : A quart or so.

Businessman : It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad Hamilton : Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!

Mike Damone : I think I just came... didn't you feel it?

Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you have to get up
Jeff Spicoli : LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Jeff Spicoli : LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli : Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

Mr. Hand : What are you, people? On dope?

Mike Damone : I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.

Jeff Spicoli : Hey, you're ripping my card.
Mr. Hand : Yes.
Jeff Spicoli : Hey bud what's your problem?
Mr. Hand : No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Jeff Spicoli : [stunned] You dick!

[A science class is visiting the morgue]
Science Teacher: Are you in my class?
Jeff Spicoli : I am today.

[Stacy Hamilton exits the abortion-clinic building]
Brad Hamilton : Since when do you go bowling?

[first lines]
Perry's Pizza Waitress: Linda, Linda, there he is. There's that guy from the stereo store. Don't you think he looks like Richard Gere?
Linda Barrett : Did you see his cute little butt?

[last lines]
Jeff Spicoli : Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!


Some Fast Times Trivia:

Follows a group of high school students growing up in southern California, based on the real-life adventures chronicled by Cameron Crowe. Stacy Hamilton and Mark Ratner are looking for a love interest, and are helped along by their older classmates, Linda Barrett and Mike Damone, respectively. The center of the film is held by Jeff Spicoli, a perpetually stoned surfer dude who faces off with the resolute Mr. Hand, who is convinced that everyone is on dope.

Nicolas Cage appears under the name Nicolas Coppola for the first and only time.

When Stacy and Ron Johnson end up going to "the point", the words "The Cinch" are spray-painted on the wall. The group that plays the last dance of the year is called Reeves Nevo and The Cinch.

Cameo: [Nancy Wilson] wife of writer Cameron Crowe and Heart band member appears as the woman in the car beside Brad's, laughing at his pirate costume.

The role of Mr. Hand was originally offered to Fred Gwynne who turned it down due to his objections over the tone of the sexual content in the film.

Andy Rathbone was the student that Cameron Crowe based Mark "Rat" Ratner on. He became famous in his own write for creating the "for Dummies" help books series

It was filmed at Van Nuys High School in Van Nuys, California

The mascot of Ridgemont High is the wolf, which is the same mascot of Van Nuys High School, where most of the school scenes were shot.

The book Arnold's holding while betting on the football game is "Childhood's End" by Arthur C. Clarke.

The scene where Linda teaches Stacy the finer points of how to give a man oral sex was originally supposed to take place in a hot tub with both girls naked. However, in order to avoid an "X" rating, the scene was changed to the school cafeteria.

Cameron Crowe wrote the screenplay based on his book. He wrote the book after posing as a student at his old high school to see how student life had changed.

Stacy works at Perry's Pizza. Jennifer Jason Leigh actually worked at Perry's Pizza before she got the role of Stacy Hamilton.

Cameo: [Cameron Crowe] one of the students in Mr. Hand's class. He can be seen in the back row as Mr. Hand returns the student's papers. Crowe is one of the many who receive an "F".

David Lynch was originally offered the chance to direct before Amy Heckerling was chosen. He turned it down saying it was a funny script, but not really his thing.

In the scene where Ratner is getting dating advice from Damone in Damone's bedroom, Ratner is wearing a T-shirt for the movie, Popeye (1980).



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97 comments:

E-Lo said...

Vader, what the happened to haloscan? Ack. Things are different and confusing in my little E-Lo brain!
But I do have to correct one little teeny piece of trivia. Not to be a smarty-pants, but because Valley Girl is my favorite 80's movie. Nicolas Cage was the h-h-HOTTT new wave punk guy gettin' in on with the valley girl, and yes, he was originally credited (although DVDs now credit him as Nicolas Cage) as Nicolas Coppola.
I'm a geek. I can't help it.

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Dave said...

I'm still mad that Blogger ate my Star Wars comment... ~frown~

Princess of Power said...

Vader: I have never seen that flicker! Isn't that unAmerican or something?? I will put it on my to do list straight away!

Jack said...

Don't hate me, but I've never seen this whole movie. Sucks, huh?

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now, unlike Star Wars, this one I have seen and own! It's one of those movies I like to throw on every few months. That and Less Than Zero. Oh Robert Downey Jr., how I wanted to be your friend and save you from that life of cocaine and blow jobs!

Vadergrrrl said...

Thanks Everyone for their comments. Are my comments not working in HaloScan? hrmmm.

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Haloscan has determined that you are an evil influence on the youth of America... and if they don't get sex... nobody else is either.

I would have lovingly blown R. Downey til my eyeballs fell out of my head... yummy!
Damn shame, though!

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Stoopid haloscan!!

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On the special edition DVD, Amy Heckerling talks about how blockbuster kept sending defective rentals of the movie back to the distributor, further investigation found that pausing a VCR tape actually stretched the tape a bit, if its paused at the same spot multiple times it will end up becoming unplayable. Even further review found that almost all of them were stretched at the same spot. Yep, Phoebe's slow mo exit the water scene. By the way to throw that on a 15 year old (at the time) Was almost too much for my brain to comprehend.... Anytime I hear The Cars, "Moving in Stereo" i STILL flashback to that scene...

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