"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Like a hobo I was born to walk alone, An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time... Here I go Again

Who needs love when you’ve got a gun?Black Flag

If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking you and beat love down.-William Shakespeare

Black Love
Ive seen love in the eyes of others
Beautiful and captivating
Giving hope


My heart has experienced sharp
Painful
Throbbing
that always goes away
Like an outcast Christmas tree
All pomp and circumstance
Thown out

Im left alone again
Safe
-
vadergrrrl 7/04

Last night I dreamt somebody loved me: no hope ---no harm just another false alarm
-The Smiths “Strange ways, Here We Come”

If two people love each other,, there can be no happy ending to itErnest Hemingway

Is This for Real?
Sometimes Im not sure whether I believe in love. Maybe Im a cynic, maybe Ive been burned…. I really don’t know. I’m not looking for love, in fact, not at all. I also question whether I have ever really been in love. Yes, I’ve been married and divorced, lived with a guy, had two marriage proposals and two promise rings… but….. it all seems so cheap, and wishy washy, so plastic. Most of the time, I have done the ending. Maybe its easier this way, or maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch. When things get tense, and filled with drama…. I leave.

Walking Wounded
Except for one time. The one I lived with for a while, who I felt a love for like no other. When things got to intense, I left him, then I came back and….he left me. The pain cut through me like a cutlery knife. I re-joined the wanderings of the walking wounded. The sad thing is, he almost killed me… the reason I first left him.

To the Moon Alice….He Snapped
One day he snapped, threw me to the ground punching me and chocking me. Telling me with fiery demon eyes that he was going to kill me. I cried and begged for my life…..“Please don’t kill me, I love you”. After a bit, like the end of a storm, he stopped, gained composure… then let out a cry like a wounded animal. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. Blood oozed out, all over my body. I took a long hot bath, and silently sobbed. He waited outside the door, telling me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and crying like a broken country record. When I got out of the bath, he was there, waiting with a tear stained face, and asking to hold me. I felt so broken; my heart was dead, and in little pieces. I was limp like a rag doll, and void as a zombie. I fell into his arms and let him “make love” to me.

Escape
I left him soon after that by moving across two states. We kept in touch, but moved on, I found another boy who wanted to marry me. Still, I craved him, dreamed of him, and had a hunger for him like no other. As sick as it sounds, I wanted him back, and loved him deeply, in some black and twisted way. We kept in touch, I sent him a few nude photos, he visited me a few times and we had amazing sex.

Cycle of Pain
A year later I moved back to Calif and into his house. We spent a few blissful months together, then, he left me. I remember a hot summer night, and him taking me out to dinner at some beachfront restaurant. He told me there was another. Tears ran down my face like rain. I recall the waiter, this cute blond boy, looking at me with compassion and empathy. I wanted to thank him, but I had to look away…..

Fizzel and Pop
That was six years ago, and I still have not known love like that. With my last boyfriend, yes there was that tingling magic kinda sparkle, but that faded fast with drama and jealousy. Once my heart turns cold, there is no recovering.

JellyBean Boom
If love is about pain and abuse, I don’t want any part of it again. I also question myself, and how I could love someone who tried to kill me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Until I figure this shit out, I’m happy being a lone, with my cats, and my son, and my vibrator and my fuck buddies/boy toys. My kind of love hurts, kills, and opens the floodgate for all sorts of psychosis. I don’t know if I ever want to feel that vulnerable again.

I met a young man who was wounded in love, I met another man who was wounded in hatredBoy Dylan

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it - Douglas Yates

Love is 2 minutes and 52 seconds of squelching noisesJohnny Rotten

I believe love to be hurtful to society, and to the individual happiness of men. I believe, in short, that love does more harm than good Napoleon Bonaparte

Sappy Sing Along Time
Okay and on a lighter note…. Here is a song that always helps me feel better. Go ahead, sing along if you like.

I don’t know where I’m going
But, I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho’ I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

I’m just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love’s sweet charity
An’ I’m gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An’ I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again




Blogarama
Visit my Guestbook
Listed on Blogwise

3 comments:

Leese said...

vader...i can't say i know what you're talking about because it has never happened to me...but i would like to give you a hug.

Nord said...

This stuff is pretty heavy, but I am glad that you have the courage to share it. I enjoy reading your posts. Sorry about commenting here but I can't get the Haloscan comments to open.

Katrina said...

Duuude...what is going on with your comments section..girl? You're "scaring" them away! (wink...Good!!!)

Followers

Blog Archive