"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Learning from Paris and Pamela… How to do home porn…. Rules, tips, ideas and experiences.

We have all seen or heard about the now infamous Pamela and Tommy Lee Porn and the recent A Night in Paris home movie (featuring Paris Hilton). These very publicized videos provide an inside look into the art of home porn. Definitely, there are rules one must follow when making home movies, and or taking explicit photographs. Following certain guidelines and rules can make this experience worthwhile, as it can provide hours of orgasmic fun in the making and in the viewing.
I tried to find articles about this on the web, but was unable to find anything. So, I will have to resort to using my own past experience and creative imagination. Enjoy.

1. Trust. When making or thinking about making a home porno or X-rated pictures make sure you are engaging in this with someone you trust. It should be someone you have a committed relationship with, and it should be something you have discussed and agreed upon. Don’t ever do this with a casual sex partner, or one nightstand!

2.  Use sound judgement. Just like entering a contract, making porn, or taking porn pics is a permanent record of your sexuality. Make sure you are of sound mind when you agree to it. You can get drunk while in preparation for it, but make sure you are lucid and certain upon deciding to do it. Guys, don’t ever break out the video camera on some drunk girl. This is a definite violation, and is totally wrong. Both parties should consent that this is something okay, and that they are comfortable about engaging in.

3. Learn from the pros. Watch a porno that you like, for tips, suggestions, styles and sex techniques. I always recommend something by Nina Hartley or jenna jameson. Find a porn star who is in sexual control, loves her body, loves herself, and emulate her.

4. Get into character mode. Give yourself a porn name (name of first pet + mother’s maiden name or first street) or make something up. In your home movie you will not be you, but instead you are this sassy and sexual porn entity. My porn name is Muffin Skold, and when Muffin comes out….let the show begin! Always stay in character. Pretend you are this slutty, dirty porn star, and act like one.

5. Use fantasy and imagination. Dress up in bondage gear, sexy lingerie, fishnet stalkings, high heels, make up, bright red lipstick, and tacky bright red fingernail polish. You are creating a fantasy here, in the erotic world of porn land. Doll yourself up to the nines. Guys really only have to be nekkid, but a nice cowboy hat or fancy cock ring, can also do wonders…. lol

6. The camera man. Use the combo of tripod and hand held shots. I have done porn with just the tripod, and that gets boring after a while. Hand held shots work best, because then you can really get the close ups and the money shots…. Ie the cum shot. If you have a friend you want to invite into your nasty sex world, perhaps they would be the cameramen. Most men would object to a male friend seeing you in slut mode, but wouldn’t care if your sleazy bi-sexual friend did the work. This however, is tricky, because it opens the door to jealousy and other issues. So its probably best to keep the film shot by tripod and hand held shots.

7. No harry ass shots. Most men do not like to see their hairy bum in action. When using the tripod angle the camera to the side of the bed, floor, kitchen table or wherever. So what you are seeing on film is the side view, and not a full on ass shot. The opposite of course is true for women. Men want to see the ass shot, full on hard-core style. The man holding the camera, and the woman getting on top with her head facing his feet can best achieve this. You can get some great ass and penetration shots this way.

8. Love your body. If you have body issues, where lingerie that hides what you want hidden, but also reveals the essential of porn (t&a). Also, if your really shy, and don’t want your face in there, purchase an elegant ball room mask, or something like they wore in the Kubric film "Eyes Wide Shut".

9. Keep the lights on bright. Your home movie will not come out well in candlelight, soft lighting, or in the dark. You need to have full lighting to really see the hardcore action.

10. Talk in character. While you are in slutty character mode, it is essential that you talk like that. Say things like, "put it in my ass big boy!" or "oh…. Your cock is so big"…"My pussy is so wet" etc, etc.

11. The cum shot is money. Never cum inside your woman, this act is the money shot, and must be caught on film. One of the best parts of Tommy Lee’s home porn was his money shot. Remember in "Boogie Nights" when Dirk Diggler cums inside Amber Waves, and they have to shoot it again? The cum shot is the grand finale of any porn and hence needs to be filmed in all its orgasmic, and volcanic glory.

12. Go hog wild. Do things in your film you would normally never do. While filming a shot of you riding on top and him holding the camera, you must play with yourself while screaming in ecstasy and making dirty whore comments. "yeah you like that big boy….mmmmmmmmm". Masturbating during sex is a must. So is anal sex. Even if your not into anal sex, you should always include one close up penetration shot for the sake of the film. Anal sex is also money when it comes to porn.

13. Oral sex scenes. Most guys don’t want their face in there besides when they are performing cunnilingus. And even then it should be buried, and not exposed much, except for some glistening, wet mouth shots. Women on the other hand, need to dedicate a lot of porn time to the cock. Guys may have issue with size, so make sure you hold it in an angle that makes it look really big. Also gaze into the camera and take his cock into your mouth nice and slow. You must also say things like "mmmm your so big" and then deep throat him. Try to visualize your porn mentor and her technique as you are doing this. These kind of shots are very important to the man. This is also one of the favorite positions for Polaroid shots. A pretty girl with a big cock in her mouth. Very, popular indeed.

14. Keep your porn in a safe place. I think the girl should keep the porn, because she is less likely to show her friends. I would not trust a guy with roommates, because inevitable they will get drunk and want to be studs and show off. A shared safety deposit box is another good idea. Or you could agree to destroy it in a determined time frame. You never want to leave porn with an ex after a break up.

Well, that is all the home porn tips vadergrrrl can think of at the moment. This post of course is dedicated to Johnny Walker the Nightwalker, whose sexual stories continue to arouse and inspire.

This post is also dedicated to my new military friends serving overseas. Maybe once I retrieve my home porn from my ex boyfriend, I will send it to the troops in Iraq for their own moral boost. Lol
I do encourage you all to check out their blogs. They are quite amazing. Please don’t leave any sexual type comments though. Though I support cybersexin the troops, I also think this kind of talk should be reserved for IM.
Xxxxxxxxooooooooooo

To end things on a comical note……..
PS. I found this site that I thought was hysterical that you have to check out.
Its called Masturbate For Peace
Using Self Love to End Conflict
This site is so friggin cheasy it is hysterical.
Here is some of the humorous content:

The Power of Masturbation
There's no greater antidote for war than love. Feelings of hatred and distrust form the necessary basis of armed confrontation. Replace those negative feelings with love and you're halfway towards resolution of any conflict.
However, any real love must start from within. You can't love others without loving yourself first. And, of course, masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love. So it's natural that we, the citizens of the world, are joining together to masturbate for peace.
As we begin with this act of self-love, we encourage others to do the same, to take pleasure in life and to share masturbation's positive energy with a world in need.

pull down your zip and throw out your trout,
using thine mit thrash it about,
love your root with vicious precision,
to empty your sack must be your mission.i
f you cant love yourself you cant love another,
so grasp your womb weasel and think of your lover,
pound it with force and pound it with speed,
pound it for peace that's what the world needs. - Knuckle Shuffler

Top 10 Reasons to Masturbate for Peace
10. It's too cold to go outside and demonstrate
9. If I go blind they can't draft me
8. The walls need painting white anyway
7. This is my weapon...this is my gun...this one's for shootin....oh, never mind.
6. If you want it done right you have to do it yourself
5. All the lube will give me a baby-soft dork
4. It may be the only "peace" I'll be getting for a while
3. If I use my left hand, it feels like someone else has joined my cause
2. What else am I going to do with the 80 GB of porn on my PC?
1. Because I can't give myself a peace blowjob

 

 
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4 comments:

Navy Doc said...

LMFAO!!! I know it's probably not supposed to be funny, but I was rolling so hard, people at work were looking at me all weird like. Not to mention I had to adjust my pants several times....
Well gotta run,
Marc

Demon Queen said...

You got sailors too... hmmmmm

Homeless Comic said...

I'd like to do a homeless porno video because there aren't any homeless people in porno movies.

stanks said...

What? I love this stuff! I don't know if I'll actually make a porn, but I love it anyways. Keep up the good advice.

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