"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Monday, June 21, 2004

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!"

Get the Boys Ma, its D-Derby Time!Here is a little update on living in redneckville/sailor town. The D-Derby was this weekend, and I live within spittin distance from the Rodeo hall where this occurs. For those of you unfamiliar with a D-Derby, it’s a Demolition Derby where these rednecks spray paint old cars with slogans like “this buds for you” and then drive them around a track like bumper cars until the last car driving wins. This is a weekly event here in town, and what a show it is. The parking lot is always filled with Mac Trucks and primered Cameros. Inside the venue is a fashion show of redneck styles and designs that really highlight the local gene pool. AC/DC blasts from the overhead speakers, and the smell of dust and car fumes permeates the air. Mullets rule the scene, of all different sizes and shapes, father and son mullets, and the occasional duck tail. I have always thought it was cruel to give a 3 year old a mullet, however, this is stock issue at the D-Derby. Women dress as skanky and nasty as possible, regardless of body shape. Spandex skirts and pants, tight fat belly revealing shirts, and hair all ratted out like an old Motely Crue video. Everyone is smoking…. The beer garden is the official hang out spot for singles, and you can hear belching, farting jokes, and cat whistles as you walk by.

Gotta Love the D-Derby.

Here are some Jedi Redneck jokes I though Y’All would enjoy..

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .·

. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
· . . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
· . . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
· . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
· . . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
· . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
· . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
· . . . you meditate to old CCR records.
· . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
· . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
· . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
· . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
· . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
· . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
· . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
· . . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
· . . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
· . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
· . . . . you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
· . . . . your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
· . . . you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
· . . .you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
· . . . you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
· . . . you've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
· . . . your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
· . . . you've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
· . . . you didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
· . . . you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
· . . . you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
· . . . you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
· . . . you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
· . . . you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
. . . you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!"

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you know who said...

You could say that the podraces are the Star Wars version of a D-Derby? lol

jp said...

Pencil mark? Pencil mark? Babe, my tattoo may not be overly huge, but it's clean and has no flaws. Also, I've never gotten any negative feedback on it...well, until now. You've scarred me for life. :op

Inanna said...

Janelle, that is sooo good! Loved it, recognized some of it. Redneck dudn't get any better then that... and that I'll gar-ran-tee ya!!

Michael said...

The D-derby sounds awesome. Can anyone enter? I wish I still had my POS Oldsmobile Calais or mint green '76 Buick Skylark... I love "Garth Vader". Funny! How 'bout "Bubba Fett"?

Jay said...

Your derby sounds like my walmart. i don't care what part of town you put a walmart it, it will find the trailer trash hidden within. if you build it...they will come.

John said...

Demolition Derbys kick ass! I would love to take an old car and smash the crap out of it. Last year my Mother-In-Law got to participate in one under the guise of journalism. I was very jealous.

CountChocula said...

Lmao! Oh man I needed a good knee-slapping laugh like that. You're the best swee'pea!

Maddy said...

Very very cute Vgrrl! Where on earth did you find these gems?

Jack said...

I'll make ya a deal, chick. A pic of your tats = a picture of me in uniform.
Jay- just one more reason to hate Wal-Mart.
Bubba Fet...LMAO.

Vadergrrrl said...

Janelle - Pod Races - Star wars white trash D-Derby. Love it. Mos Eisley is pretty white trash anyway "hive of scum and villany"

JP - You need a little more ink to be part of the tattoo club. sorry... LOL

Inanna - I aint got no idear what yer talkin bout'

Michael - Bubba Fett... too funny. Yes, I hear D-Derbys are a lot of fun to participate in. Skylarks RULE!

Jay - I guess Walmart is where you find all your dates eh?

John - D-Derbys are cool, they just epitomize "redneck fun"

Countchocula- Glad to make you smile sistah.

Maddy - You inspired me to write this post. Thank you. Had to change the tone a little. There should be a link on the post from where I got the redneck jokes.

Jack - How do I post photos? I will post my tats if I knew how.

evilsciencechick said...

"...duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder"

We used to call that west virginian chrome!

Varla said...

Oh man, Vader - I grew up in a suburban/rural hell outside of Seattle, and I can relate. We used to joke about the rednecks having gun racks and confederate flags mounted on their Celicas...I hear ya!

Jenn said...

You kill me! I am rolling on the floor girl! I have been there! Oh the wonderful, and wonderfully hidious things you can see in small towns! I luv ya! Thanks for that.

Debra said...

Alright, I've helped build demo cars! Busting out window glass with hammers and mallets, replacing them with wire to protect the driver, removing the gas tank and replacing it with a 5 gallon fuel cell with a cut off switch in case of fire, and a two way tranny shifter- forwards and backwards.

Rip out everything with weight but the drivers seat, add some paint to make it obvious which car it is from far away, and have fun!

The one I did the most on we did up like a cow- white with black spots all over and used a torch to cut out horns on the roof which we bent upwards so when the car went towards another car, they saw the cow charging them, horns and all.

My favorite event of the fair...lol.

jakethelad said...

You know you're a redneck when you think all chicks have tattoos - yeah tat one and tat two!

Leese said...

sooo funny vader!!!
i like the part about Garth Vader and "You pull my finger you will...hmmm?"

Maddy said...

Jack, ask Grave Digger. He learned by himself and you should see his pictures. Very, very smart guy!

Schna said...

Ah, the mullet. At the baseball games here (Pittsburgh, that is), they used to do the "mullet cam", singling out all the mullet adorned folks in the crowd. However, some guy decided to due for defamation, and so ended the "mullet cam". What I don't get is, how can it be defamation? I mean...you either have a mullet or you don't!!!

Mike said...

mmmm.....daisy dukes. my favorite. i love short shorts.


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