The Local PawnshopOn a trip to the local pawnshop I decided I needed a video camera. You know, to cash in on the home porn thang or film various other life events as they wiz by. Being trashy poor, I thought the pawnshop would be the best place to find a camera. Ide had good luck there in the past with TV’s and VCR’s. The pawnshop I frequent is the more upscale kind, sort of like a Supermarket, glass shelves, bright lights, neon signs, and less emphasis on guns (though Im sure they sell them behind the glass counter). Being a military town/redneck utopia pawnshops in this area get a lot of business. You can find anything at the pawnshop from electrical appliances to 200 dollar vibrators.
Bling, Bling... a free videotape
After checking out the bling bling selection, I picked out a handy video camera for $50. It was small, cute, and seemed to be working quite well. It was mine. As I was purchasing the camera, the clerk with heavy make-up and long Lee press on nails tells me “look this one comes with a tape”. Cool, I thought, now I don’t need to buy one to get started.
I pressed play on the recorder too see what was on the tape through the viewfinder. The tape had not been previously blank, but someone had taped over whatever was on it with a blue screen highlighting the phrase “Happy Father Day”. What the heck, I thought and rewound the blank tape to begin my own home movie adventure. We started videotaping military battleships, groups of howling sailors, redneck vehicles and other local sites. With a video camera the possibilities were endless.
As I was rewinding our days worth of amateur movie making, I noticed that there was a catch in the beginning of the tape. The tape stopped at what seemed like the beginning, but if you hit rewind a couple times it actually rewound a little further. What I found at the beginning of the tape surprised the shit out of me. When the previous owner attempted to tape over what had been recorded on the tape, they didn’t cover up the very beginning. I couldn’t believe what a score this video camera actually was!
I hooked up the video camera to the TV to get the full effect of this video prize. To my horror and hysterical delight appeared a naked redneck on the screen. Sitting on an ugly green couch, near a coffee table littered with empty Bud Light Beer cans, and an ashtray with a lit cigarette, was a Nekid long haired, mullet headed redneck… and he was touchin himself. YUCK! It was like a bad train wreck, I had to watch. The best part was that the redneck was talking to the person holding the camera, and it wasn’t a woman. The cameraman zooms in and out on the rednecks spankin little monkey while he is obviously getting warmed up and in the mood for sexin. The tape stops for a second and cuts to the second redneck. Now he is nekid and the camera is focusing on a close-up of him in live action. He is hairier and whiter then the first redneck, and it looks as if he is having some problems in the erection department (too much speed???). The tape then cuts back to the first redneck, and he is going at it, and making a disgusting groaning sound reminiscent from a scene in deliverance. The tape then stops abruptly, as becomes the blue screen and happy fathers day message.
Rednecks and Deliverance
I laughed so hard I cried… and then showed all my friends (and some strangers too). I couldn’t believe these rednecks left a tape of themselves masturbating. I also couldn’t believe these hardcore rednecks were taping each other in the act. What else did they do to each other nekid that the tape covered up with the Fathers Day message?
You know I would love to post the tape on the Internet for all to see. What pisses me off the most however, isn’t the fact that two guys are touchin themselves and videotaping it, it’s the fact that these two rednecks are probably homophobic. These same rednecks probably beat up effeminate locals and harass openly gay and lesbian persons. Its like that movie, American Beauty, the most homophobic psychopath is really scared of what is inside them. I would love to OUT these homophobic rednecks and splash their hairy and ugly ass selves in the act of being “very gay”. Maybe if I ever get good with technology I will do that, any suggestions?
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"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
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