"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Everything I ever need to know about sex I learned from Nina Hartley and Lil Kim

Lil Kim, the Diva of sexual liberation. I love freakin to her song How many licks...
I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of faces
Ah hell I even fuck with different races
A white dude - his name was John
He had a Queen Bee Rules tattoo on his arm, uh
He asked me if I'd be his date for the prom
and he'd buy me a horse, a Porsche and a farm
Dan my nigga from Down South
Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth
And Tony he was Italian (Uh-huh)
And he didn't give a fuck (Uh-huh)
That's what I liked about him
He ate my pussy from dark till the mornin
Called his girl up and told her we was bonin
Puerto Rican papi, used to be a Deacon
But now he be sucking me off on the weekend
And this black dude I called King Kong
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue

[Sisqo]
So, how many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Cause I've got to know)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

[Lil' Kim]
This verse goes out to my niggaz in jail
Beatin they dicks to the double-X-L; Magazine (uhh)
You like how I look in the aqua green? Get your Vaseline
Roll some weed with some tissue and close your eyes
Then imagine your tongue in between my thighs
[*Moans*] Baby.. ohh.. yes ohh!
Jailer.. open up.. cell, block, eight
[*sexual sounds*]
Alright nigga, that's enough
Stop, look and listen; get back to your position
Kim got your dick hard, startin fights in the yard
Hotter than a Pop Tart fresh out of the toaster
Niggaz do anything for a Lil' Kim poster
Eses, Bloods, Crips, all the thugs
Up North in the hole, they all wanna know

[Sisqo]
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, ha)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

[Lil' Kim]
If you drivin in the street, hold on to your seat
Niggaz, grab your meat while I ride the beat
And if you see a shiny black Lamborghini fly by ya
(Shoom!) That's me the Knight Rider
Dressed in all black with the gat in the lap
Lunatics in the street - gotta keep the heat
Sixty on the bezel, a hundred on the rings
Sittin pretty baby with a Cash Money bling
12 A.M. I'm on the way to club
After three bottles I'll be ready to fuck
Some niggaz even put me on their grocery lists
Right next to the whip cream and box of chocolates
Designer pussy, my shit come in flavors
High-class taste niggaz got to spend paper
Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over
Like it's rehearsal for a Tootsie commercial

[Sisqo]
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, ha)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Let me know, let me know)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Yeah)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Baby tell me)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?
(Oh, oh, oh)
How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the?


-How Many Licks by Lil Kim

My Sexual Evolution
My personal sexual evolution has been a long voyage. I was a virgin until my senior year in high school, when I met Ron Johnson the stereo sales men and he took me to “the point” to the music of “Somebody’s Babe” by Jackson Brown. Well it really wasn’t Ron Johnson, but the story is pretty much the same.

Lets talk about boring!
Sex with my boyfriends and then husband (I married at 19) pretty much sucked. Missionary style, or maybe doggie style, no orgasm, no real foreplay… just quick uneventful sex. I wanted to think that I enjoyed it, but the reality of it was that it wasn’t all to great. I was shy, a prude, and not really into it. I didn’t even know what a female orgasm was until my early 20’s.

Porn....ewww gross!
I remember watching porn as a young girl and thinking….ewww gross. These vampy women were overly sexed up and these hairy ass Ron Jeremys did nothing for me. Porn seemed pretty gross, and anything but a turn on.

Nina Hartley changed my life
When I moved to the Bay Area in my early 20’s and started dating my boyfriend J, things changed, and I had a sexual blossoming so to speak. J introduced me to porn, especially porn of Nina Hartley. Nina opened a whole new world for me, and I would never be the same.

For those of you unfamiliar with Nina here is a little biography from her website.
Nina

She grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area of California with Jewish Communist parents. She started dancing naked in 1983 and started acting in porn in 1984. She graduated college with a degree in nursing in 1985. She has made about 575 adult movies. There are 12 episodes and counting in sex education videos on Adam & Eve. She has won numerous awards for her acting and activism. She speaks out on issues of feminism and sexuality and free statement as a sex speaker. Her sexuality is constantly evolving and changing as her understanding continues to grow. This includes her knowledge on anal sex and her personal enjoyment of it.

Breakin the taboos!
Through watching her various videos and instructional tapes my sexuality was revolutionized. I realized the power in being sexual, enjoying sex, and trying things once considered taboo. For one, I had no idea how to give a good blow job, I thought you just sucked on the end and gagged a lot. I learned how to nibble, tease, breathe through your nose, play with the base and balls, and oh yes, the joy in swallowing… I also learned how to enjoy having a guy go down on me. First it helps I would say for a girl to be completely shaved. J had me do this, and I have felt more liberated ever since. It really does help, especially for oral sex. But you really have to be comfortable telling a guy what feels good, and then, my god, don’t just lay there, get into it move around a little, shove his head into it…. LOL

Lets here it for anal play
The other form of sex I learned from Nina was how to enjoy anal sex. J kept pressuring me to do this, and I thought it would be so dirty and nasty. I learned from Nina that you can have a better orgasm that way, and with the right lube and stimulation, it can actually feel fabulous.

I am a serial monogomist btw
Another thing about sex that is important, a lot of this only works when you are in a committed and comfortable relationship. It takes a while to get to know someone’s body, and be comfortable. I do not recommend getting this freaky and nasty with one night stands. Shit who wants to use a condom when having this much fun.

Thanks Nina, darling teacher… and sex Goddess… Im a forever changed woman.

The following article kicks ass and can teach YOU ALL!
Here is an article with some great sexual education information that details one of Nina’s instructional videos. This is actually a great piece that we can ALL learn something from. (Jay I hope your reading this… LOL)

From this website

There is a very large misconception that anal sex is only enjoyed by gay men. As a result of this misconception, any heterosexual man who is curious or knows he desires anal play, may be depriving oneself out of fear that others will think that he must really be gay or have homosexual tendencies. That could not be farther from the truth!
Millions of heterosexual women and men love to partake in anal play. By anal play, I mean rimming, having a finger up the ass while you’re getting a blowjob, inserting butt plugs, dildos, holding a vibrator around the opening, or rubbing the opening with your finger. And this area of the body should not be ignored when one is indulging. This is a very sensitive area, that when given the proper attention, can bring one to a new world of ecstasy.

Now, for you anal virgins, you don’t need to penetrate on the first go round. Use your fingers to massage, rub and tickle the area. The key is to start slow, be patient and try to relax. Remember this is supposed to be an enjoyable activity. Communication is absolutely essential with your partner. Let him or her know what feels good and when he or she can go further.
Once you reach a comfortable point, you may try a little penetration.
Be smart, use common sense and you’ll be okay.
Hartley's Guide to Better Fellatio (or Woodworking 101) "was created by and for consenting adults. It is intended to offer helpful hints for more mutually fulfilling erotic experiences."
The video stars Nina Hartley, with special guest Alex Sanders. The video is broken into three parts. The first part covers the anatomy and science of the penis, the second part demonstrates the "art" of fellatio and the 3rd part is basically a porno scene.

The first part of the video goes over the anatomy and science of the penis. She uses a dildo to show the basic parts of the penis and then there's a short slide show of a few penises - basically to show the difference between a circumcised and non-circumcised penis. She also uses a diagram and skeleton to go over the anatomy of the penis.
She compares the similarities between male and female genitalia. For instance a man's testicles are like a woman's ovaries. The scrotum is like the outer labia, the urethra like the inner labia and the gland like the clitoris.
I did learn a few things in the first part of the video. For instance, the prostate gland (located at the very base of the penis, near the anus) is a major source of pleasure for a man and produces the greatest amount of semen. Also, semen is made up mostly of water and vitamin C and is designed to carry sperm up into the vagina and into the fallopian tubes. Sperm travels approximately 7 inches on ejaculation - which is why it feels so good when a man orgasms.
The second part of the video demonstrates the "art" of fellatio. Why would you want to do it? According to Nina it's pleasurable and fun.

Nina says that half of being good at fellatio is the desire to do it - wanting to do it. She also says to get better you need practice and exposure - which is why I got this video.
I've read and heard that giving a blow job involves the hands just as much as the mouth - but never fully understood this concept until after watching this video.
A man's penis can go numb during fellatio (which happens in the video). Nina explains that this can happen because of interruptions or if he's drunk, nervous, thinks he's not good enough or thinks you aren't going to like it. So you need to reassure him that you do.

One of the things that I liked about the video is that it is just as much, if not more, about pleasing the woman than the man. I originally got the video so that I could better please my husband, not for my own satisfaction. According to Nina, the sign of a good blow job is if you're aroused as well. "The wetter the panties the better the blow job." Throughout the video Nina explains that it is important for the woman to enjoy it - to want to do it - it shouldn't be a chore you feel obligated to do. Which had always been my mindset. I admit that after watching the video my mindset has changed. Even though she doesn't discuss barriers some women may have against giving blow jobs, somehow a lot of mine were diminished after watching this video.
The video also contains a lot of good information. Such as, watching your man masturbate to learn how he touches himself - what he finds pleasurable and incorporate that into giving him a blow job. Wetness is a key factor in fellatio. I never knew the importance of a wet penis. According to Nina, when you wet down the penis everything you do is more magnified. The wetter the dick the lighter the touch you need. "The wetter it is the nicer it feels."
The man she demonstrate on, Alex, doesn't say much throughout the video, minus interjecting a few tips here and there, such as, it is more arousing when a woman removes the man's pants. He also likes it slow and thinks a lot of the pleasure in receiving a blow job comes from watching the woman doing it and knowing that she knows he's watching her. After Nina comments on how sweet tasting his cum is, he says to make cum taste "better" the man can eat sweets or kiwi to make it taste sweeter, or celery to take away the bitter taste.
There's more to fellatio than just sucking the penis. You can play with the balls (but don't squeeze!), stroke the penis lightly when wet, squeeze it (harder than you think you should) but not while you're stroking it, smack/slap and tap it slightly, and lick it lightly. I noticed two things she does the most. One is flicking the tongue under the head of the penis (which is very sensitive so you need to be gentle around this area) or stimulating it with the tip of your (wet) finger. Secondly, and what I gather to be most importantly, stroking the penis with a twist - not actually twisting the penis - but twisting the stroke - like in a circle instead of just up and down. Combined with the mouth this seems to be the key element of giving good head.
There are a few other factors of giving a good blow job. According to Nina, a good blow job is loud and wet sounding. Look him in the eyes and have your partner communicate with you - what he likes and wants you to do. What I noticed watching her perform, was that she isn't constantly sucking. No wonder I always got a numb mouth! She only sucks on the way up. Nice to know.
She also defines some terms, such as, playing "shuttlecock" - which is when you slap the penis back and forth from side to side. And "mouth fucking," which is when you stay still and the man moves his hips into your mouth. Her suggestion is to hold the base of the dick with one or both hands and "hold on for dear life." By doing this "you don't get the choking problem...if you get hit in the back of the throat it will start your gag reflects." The key to "mouth fucking" is gripping the penis. When he pushes in your loosen your grip, when he pulls out you squeeze. According to Nina, "mouth fucking" is "the lazy woman's way to give head." She also advises you have short nails so you don't hurt yourself when you squeeze.
Part three is basically a porno skit so Nina and Alex can do what they do best. I'm assuming this is to get you (and your partner) aroused so you can try out the tips she's given.
I'd recommend this video to anyone who feels inadequate in the administering of a bj. However, I should point out that Nina is not a great public speaker - there is no way you'll get her confused with your health or biology teacher. For example, your teachers never would have said, "I've seen more 2 inch softies grow into 6 or 8 inch woodies than you could shake a dick at." There are some great one liners throughout the video, such as, an erection is just a guys way of saying hi! A way of being friendly and polite. ;)
Summary: Here's what I gather are the fundamentals of giving good head. Keep the penis wet and use both hands to stroke and twist it at the same time as you suck on it - focusing around the head of the penis. Use one hand to stroke the penis and the other (at the base) to squeeze it. Keep the lights on and make sure the man is in a position so he can watch you. Start slow and then speed up towards the end.
I think you'll get a better idea if you get the video - I wish I would have seen it YEARS ago! My husband gave the video his stamp of approval as well. After I tried out her techniques on him, he said it was by far the best he has ever had - and trust me, I sucked at it - no pun intended. I had always made it much harder than it really is - no wonder I never liked doing it. But after seeing a "professional" in action it has given me a whole new outlook on fellatio!



Here is a description written by Nina of one of her sessions: enjoy…. It’s the freaken weekend!
(www.babydollbound.com).
So, here's the scoop: Ernest and I set up the gyno bed so that we could strap Babydoll into it..
So, we picked her up at her friends house and brought her home. We cuffed, collared and high-heeled her. We looked at dirty pictures while she had a shot of good single malt scotch, molesting her all the while. Moving over to the dining room table, Ernest munched her while I took pictures of her face. I had Ernest pinch her pussy lips together to pinch her clit while I s-lo-w-l-y plucked a few stray hairs from around her pussy. She shivered in delight. Next time, I'll strap her down and make a bigger deal of it!
Now was time for whipping and walking. We brought her over to the suspension bar and clipped her wrists to the chains and gave it a few cranks. Now, she was helpless in the face of our sadism. Ernest brought over a brace of stick whips and one leather one and we set to work. Babydoll took several deep breaths and got deeper into subspace. He cracked a couple of good ones on her bubble butt and moved to her front to watch her face while I had myself a good time. I took the dressage and steadily flicked it back and forth across her cheeks, just grazing the skin. The heat builds up slowly this way. Ernest got a cane and began on her front, paying special attention to the sides of Babydoll's perky tits.
Then I hit her across both cheeks, using the thin dressage like a cane. Whap! Whap! Whap! went the wiry whip to leave red lines on her cheeks. Whap! Whap! Whap! down the backs of her legs I went, relentless, waiting for her to lift her foot in mercy, but it never came. Ernest was touching her clit and I was hurting her from the other side and Babydoll was coming again.
We got her to her knees in front of the mirror. Sitting on the bed, she orally serviced each of us and go. Now it was time for fucking, and fuck we did. Ernest and I do a mini-gang bang fit to beat the band, if not fuck the girls. He got on top of her and I took off her shoes and whipped her soles, sending her over again. I love to see Ernest fuck women and I love to see how happy they are to be fucked by him. I pinched her nose, we covered her face, we stuck our fingers down her mouth, we slapped her, never letting up on the fucking.
When it was my turn to fuck her, Ernest stuck his dick in her mouth to stifle her moans and cries. I leaned forward enough to get some, too, and he smothered her with his balls, muffling her orgasms. We used her roughly and with great humor, since she is such a slutty girl.
We traded off fucking a few more times, ending up with her ass in the air, butt plug still in. I caned her upper cheeks while he fucked her and she came again, quivering and shaking on his dick. Finally, it was time for the big finish. She got back on her knees in front of Ernest and took his dick in her mouth. I caned her again, steadily, patiently, until she came again. She's so good, she never used her teeth once.
Whew! It was amazing to us to see that the whole thing had taken only about 90 minutes instead of the three hours it felt like we had been playing. It goes to show how much three motivated people can do when they set their minds to it. That's where kink is kinda like communism: to each according to his need, from each according to his ability. We like to show a girl a good time, and Babydoll knows how to get the most out of us.
Now, Babydoll has showered and has finished cleaning up the dungeon. It's been nice typing this while she works, naked, making the space clean for her private time with Ernest this Tuesday while I'm in Denver.
Soon, Carol Queen and Robert Lawrence will be here and we'll all go out for Chinese food. Ah, what a Sunday!
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92 comments:

Jay said...

fuck you, vader, for getting me worked up like this and not being here to alleviate it.

first off, the twisting thing - cool. love it. tickling the balls - yep, that's good, too. shuttlecock - nope, not for me. rimming - sorry, i get too tense when a girl tries it on me, but i do it to women all the time. i'm sure i'd love it if i could just relax. mental hangup, maybe.

she's right, sucking isn't necessary the entire time. and even though it's fucking amazing to see a woman put the entire thing in her mouth, it rarely happens and doesn't matter anyway. most women like to focus on the end and use their hand on the shaft. i'm fine with that, especially with a twist.

and about the turtle neck vs crew neck, i'm a crew neck.

Kate the Peon said...

Vader, I have to say, this post surprised me. After reading other posts of yours, I was NOT prepared to find Sex Ed 101 on your site. I dig it, however. :)

After reading Jay's comments, I can tell I need to go back and read, versus skim, the article in detail.

Sex Ed tends to lose it's fun for me when I only have Big Kate (eww, that just doesn't work the same way it does for Jay) to worry about.

Jay said...

hey kate, what about "kitty kate"?

Avuncular 1 said...

Damn, I just put another buy-sex-shuall comment on the last post. But hey, what's this new post? It couldn't possibly be about sex, could it? Well, I guess I am going to have to talk about sex with complete stangers in a way I never would in any other forum. Speaking of...let me say that as long as it's clean, I'll get down on it. I must admit, I do love receiving the oral and like seeing the girl perform. The thing is, and tell me if this is wrong, but I do like the taste of kitty. I mean, I love going down on a girl (see: "as long as it's clean" above). Not just to earn a blow-job either. It really turns me on. There have been times when I just couldn't get enough and where the whole session was giving the ol' sausage losenge and eating cooter pie. As far as ass-play, well again, see "as long as it's clean" above. All this talk is making me hungry for a big old supersized order of furburger and buns.
Later!
Oh, yeah. Crew-neck. Wasn't up to me.

Vadergrrrl said...

- i promise not to post sex stuff for a little while. i think i had too much sun today and wine... But i do think we all can learn from nina hartley. she is a goddess of knowlege and really changed my life (in a good way)
-im still waiting for my sailor boy toy to come back from sea myself... plus having sex with a young 23 year old isnt the same as when you are in a long term relationship.
-Kate im sure you wont be alone with little kate for much longer. Some day, these tips from nina will come in handy... or shall i say cum in handy...

Kate the Peon said...

The Dastard - Enjoying the taste is NEVER wrong!!!!

Vadergrrrl said...

Jay - sorry I cant be with you to help you out there.... but you got your hand, and we all agree aint nothing wrong with some self love.

Dastard- you sexy thang you. I love a man who loves the taste of a woman. I actually love the taste of "sugar" myself, as Im sure you recall from my comment on your sex post. LOL. I think having a nice shower and shave is essential to pre-sex activities. Definately clean... for both parties. You can actually take a shower together and start some pre-fun there... LOL

Vadergrrrl said...

you know, I feel really bad for NOt CUred Yet, the guy turns to blogging to get help from his addiction and he found us.....

thats freakin hilarious!

Avuncular 1 said...

Vader: Yeah, poor guy. I hope I wasn't too obnoxious to him the other day regarding the masturbation thing. I felt kind of bad but then again, I am THE DASTARD. Seriously, sorry if I was a dick NCY.

Kate: See: "as long as it's clean." Yum, yum, yum.

Jay: latah.

Goodnight. I'm going to bed. It's semi-late here on the East Coast, got an early day. Take care.

Jenn said...

Sex is all things good! I don't think I was ever repressed, I been doing it since I was 13 though.

Gooch said...

So, ok, let me calculate - Dish Network charges $9.95 to watch one of their hot `n' steamy channels for an hour or so,Vadergrrrl's Rant Page is free, last three entries have been female masturbation, girl-on-girl action, and tales of Vader's sexual liberation, with the added "joys of anal" section. Yeah, I'd say you've saved me about $40. Thanks

Debra said...

Whoa! I think this one did it for me... something in the drawer under my bed is calling my name.. hehe.

Here is my favorite porn site.. why? Because it's pretty darned funny! But open it in a new window so not to get lost from here.

To get back on topic, oral sex can be so much fun, and so enjoyable, but you really have to be into it. Giving head half-assed is going to be just that- half-assed. You're got an entire mouth with a tongue, lips, gums,a nd teeth, and every bit of it can do something for that wonderful cock, as well as your hands. And seriously, if you're going to worry aboout getting things spitty, what the heck are you doing this for anyway? lol Spit = lube = not much different from any other moisture you'll be trailing during the action... right?

And "sugar" is always a good thing... right back to your recent lyrics post and Pour some sugar on me. Yummy! I hate it when guys are paranoid about kissing after one is down on the other!

I agree on the shaved bit.. but then I've just got body hair issues in general.

Ok.. like I said... off to my room..lol.

Tricia said...

rimming and skimming,and ranting and raving
Damn I'm too worn out from reading to show my self appreciation!

The pervs are really coming out of the woodwork now...heehee... like that

So tomorrow night we again shall on-line menage with Jenn, right? I'm counting on ya babe!
I need a rest after tonight though... and I'm sore.

Jay has a penis! heheh... at least he said so on his blog.
He said 'A dick is a dick...I have one you have one'.
And he's right! I carry it around in the side pocket of my briefcase... for office EMERGENCIES;P

Roger said...

Hi Vader, you are a naughty lady of the highest order. Why oh why did I read this before I go to bed. Home from night shift, and my wifes gone to work. I'll never sleep now....;)

Debra said...

One more thing.. check your Yahoo IM for offline messages Vgrrrl... had an idea...lol. MiIght be fun instead of filling the real blog with sex, and might be interesting too.

CountChocula said...

You're the best V, rock on reggae woman.;)

Oz said...

I like porn (what's not to like?) but I can't convince myself that the women are actually enjoying themselves. I guess I've heard one to many female porn stars on Howard Stern. The following two questions are always asked, and 95% of the time, they are answered as such:

Howard: So why did you become a porn star?
PornGirl: Because I LOVE sex! I just LOVE it!
Howard: Have you ever had a real orgasm during a scene?
PornGirl: No.

Uh-huh. It certainly looks like they're faking it, and guess what: they are! I allow myself to slip into fantasy world when watching porn, believe that the girl is getting it just like she wants it. But when it's all said and done--or if I'm not watching with an eye for getting off--it seems like all the "ooh"s and "ahh"s and "come on!"s and "oh yeah!"s are there to motivate the guy, who MUST cum, and as soon as he does, the girl knows that she can go home and decorate her kitchen or whatever. LOL

David said...

I want to post song lyrics too...

So in the spirit of rednecks and sex, I bring you "A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying" by the Bloodhound Gang. (Yes that's a link to the song, right click and pick "Save target as" if you want to steal it)...

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love.
It had been a while.
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, shallow grave,
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, Well that's a coincidence darlin',
‘cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern,
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
‘Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of Throb,
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?

Jack said...

LMFAO! You're a sick, sick man, Dave. Seek professional help at once.

Vadergrrrl said...

okay something really weird just happened. I entered www.vadergrrrl.blogspot.com and I got "aarons bible" a christian blog. Is blogger playing tricks on me here or what? maybe im just not awake yet but that was weird.
-okay christians.... you can enjoy sex and have orgasms AND believe in god too.

Jenn - you rock. Your lucky not to have been reprsessed. I was a church baby who feared the wrath of dead grandparents and all. Im glad some women never have the prude problem. LOL

Gooch - hey, glad I can save you some money. I just hope you were able to satisfy yourself. LOL

Debra - you always have the best comments. One day you will rule the world. LOL. I agree, when someone gives a half assed job at giving or recieving head... it really sucks (no pun intended). THats why everyone should read these tips here from Nina. You can really learn a lot.

Tricia - definately be online again. What a party! Anyone wanting to join, the party was on AOL last night. Im vadergrrrl on aol, aim and msn. fun fun. Jay really doesnt have a penis. He is a liar. He Claims to have one, and says its quite big, but he has yet to produce any proof besides some jean coverin crotch shot.

Roger - sorry to frusterate. Have your wife read it tomorow night and then you guys can perfect what Dr. Nina has taught.

Debra - I will check my aim and get back with ya. All your ideas kick ass, and Im sure this will be a good one.

Count - I do love regea... ever tried doing it to nine inch nails? Good sex music, for actual sexin. Sinatra is good for pussies like Jay who just want to massage some chicks feet, but are too scared to do anything else. Poor guy!

Ozzily Bean - I love HOward Stern, and yes he exposes a lot about women in the porn industry. I think that is true for a lot of them, but not Nina. If you have never seen Nina in action, give her a try. She DEFINATELY enjoys it. She has a lot of instructional tapes where she talks all about it. Ive seen her in a tape with a bunch of girls stop because she said "i just came and i wont be able to come again". She rules.

David - your post sounds more fitting on TJ's blog. What does a stripper crying have to do with women reclaiming sex? Women enjoying sex? If your gonna quote something, stay with the theme here buddy. Lil Kim works much better.

jack! is that the one and only rock star jack from Texas music? Oh my lucky days.... Just your words, your commentary, and the memories of that photo... now i think i have to go in the bedroom here... ahem. Jack is a character, he posts about seizing smut, strap ons, and home video from tweekers, posts a cute photo of himself, and THEN posts some Deliverance style threat to a marine inviting to "hog tie him and throw him in the back of a truck", and us Badge Bunnies get ALL worked up and excited. Then when we post about our sexual excitement on his site, we offend his readers because we are taking away the serious subject of the life of a cop. Come on now, the image of a hog tied marine in the back of jacks truck is not that serious, Im afraid. In fact the visual was quite...... confusing.... LOL
Luv you Jackson.... and tommmy too.

Johnny5 said...

I used to (and still do) have an obsession with the sugar when I'm drunk. I actually spent 1 1/2 hours on a girl once and threw her hands off of me when she tried to reciprocate. What a look of shock I received.

Ummmm... my mouth is watering, time for another cig.

Inanna said...

Glad to know I was doing it right all along!!

Avuncular 1 said...

The oral sex/porn thing is still going on? How excellent. I wish I had something new to add but I would like to reiterate that I do love the sugar. Love it, love it, love it. Even though I give it not just to get it, at some point, you better be giving it too. And don't do it "half-assed" as stated above. There's nothing worse than being with someone who is not getting into the oral or is acting like they have to do it. I don't want to feel like I am forcing anyone. I'm all about the free-will. You don't want to do it, you know what, forget about it, next!

In terms of porn...this blogging thing seems to be taking its place.

Vadergrrrl said...

Johnny5 - now were talking... and I think I need a cigarette. I love a man who likes to please women. My current boy toy has a tounge ring, though I must admit I cant tell the difference. Its hard sometimes for a girl to relax enough to actually have an orgasm. That is why it takes hard work and practice.... remember to breathe girls....

Inanna - Im glad someone knows what they are doing! I sure as shit didnt for many years....

Dastard - you bring up a good point, I agree that blogs are taking over, both for the adult aspect, and for the reality tv aspect. Its better than cable, better than survivor, and damn is it addicting. Love ya dastard, you seductive eyed cutey pie....

barrie said...

This is just to let you know that Vadergrrrl's Rant Page was nominated for The Pink Bee Best Blog 2004 (summer) Contest.

People may visit www.thepinkbee.com and follow the link at the top to vote.

Congratulations and good luck!

Winners will be announced and notified on 7/5/04

Vadergrrrl said...

Hey barrie.... thanks for the compliment... But like Wayne and Garth said oh so well "IM not WORTHY". There are so many blogs better than mine... im a mere apprentice to their greatness....
You all know who you are... xoxoxoxoxo

Im off to watch Six Feet Under.... Gotta love HBO!

Jack said...

I voted for ya, babe.

Vadergrrrl said...

jack darling... thank you, but really, im too new at this blogging to even be a candidate here. My site is basically raw ranting, and not even close to the level of excellence that your site, or Jays, or any of the links that I have here. Im flattered yes, but I dont think Im a realistic candidate, this year at least... Im still learning from you master bloggers.

Now, lets get back to the sex talk here. LOL
Im alone, nekkid, drinking wine, and in lois lane mode, trying to work on an article on soap box derby. LOL.
-Too bad sailor boy toy is still away at sea, I could use some good tounge action right now....

Oh well, I can sit back and fantasise about being hogtied by jack and fondled with his nightstick...
oooooh yeah baby..... I like a man with a big gun.

Debra said...

You're totaly worthy of a nomination. Now I've just got to what else was nominated and go from there...lol.

Good luck on that article! Maybe Lois would have had better luck if she worked naked too?

Johnny5 said...

The only bad thing about that congruence in my head was that a lot of girls I know picked that up and started to feed me drinks hand over fist. I wound up with a raw face many a night.

For me, it's sometimes just something I want to do. Other times, however, it's just a precursor that looks great in candle light and brings out the raw lust I love to see in a woman's eyes.

Oh man, it's been too long...

Debra said...

I viewed three-fourths of the nominees, and three stood out to me. This one, Big Pink Cookie, and Pussy Ranch.

Overall though, to be fair, I gave my vote to the cookie. This one would get my vote for written content alone, but the others had strong apeal in other areas too.

Gonna be a tough contest though- some good stuff there!

Tricia said...

I voted for ya girlie. I nominated all my blog buddies so of course I voted for ya too.
Jack and all of the badge bunnies are nominated!
He's said he'll vote for all of us! I'll vote for my folks twice!
That might cancel out my vote, but hell it's fun anyway!

Tricia said...

I voted for ya girlie. I nominated all my blog buddies so of course I voted for ya too.
Jack and all of the badge bunnies are nominated!
He's said he'll vote for all of us! I'll vote for my folks twice!
That might cancel out my vote, but hell it's fun anyway!

Avuncular 1 said...

What's all this voting and such? There is still so much more for me to learn as a blogger. I just figured out the picture thing. For my next attempt I will try links.
Good luck to everybody who is participating in this election.
More sex talk.

jp said...

Good lord. I go away for 2 days and look what happens! I miss ALL the good stuff.

Vadergrrrl said...

I just checked out this contest, and there is no way here I should even be in the running... in all fairness. You vote for blogs based on this :
Overall Design
Graphics
Creativity
Content
Okay... not lets be real here, I may have some good things for creativity and content
but for overall design and graphics.... Please... I dont even know what Im doing... Im so green here... LOL

I do think it nice to be nominated, but I really dont think Im in the league as some of these really amazing blogs. On content alone, well yes I kick ass, but this contest seems to be about areas that Im really below average in (graphics, visual design). Plus, my blog would be even worse if it wasnt for Computer Geek Dave's help. Now his blog... he is worthy. In fact ALL of the blogs I have linked on my side bar here are Kick Ass! Mine is way to new here, and Im so learning.... I think we should have a competition with the blogs I have linked on my sidebar, now THESE blogs are WORTHY and Im so learning from all of them (especially David)

Anyway, enough of this contest, lets get back to some sex talk here.

Vadergrrrl said...

JP - you have no comments about Nina Hartley? Im shocked.....

jp said...

Oh, I have plenty of comments about Nina Hartley. I just had to visit the restroom first. :o)

Nina Hartley was my favorite PS back in the day. Sexy, beautiful, wanton....and she looked like she genuinely enjoyed her line of work.

Ok, must stop talking.....can't be getting all worked up right now. ;o)

NotCuredYet said...

Vader, thanks for thinking about me :) All I can say about all of this is that my wife gives the best bj ever - that's why I married her! I think she genuinely loves doing it and she's the first and only woman I've been with that swallows. There's nothing worse than having a woman give a half-assed bj then immediately run to the bathroom to spit it out and wash her mouth after the climax. I'd rather not have it.

Vadergrrrl said...

hee hee JP, I guess for some of you guys at work, this might be a dangerous post here... hee hee... wish I could see the visual.... too funny

Not Cured Yet - Glad your getting a good bj from your wife, she sounds like a keeper. I totally agree, running to the bathroom and spitting is pretty rude. I always swallow good, then kiss my man. Never heard of "snowballing" before Clerks, but I have yet to have a guy actually want that. I dont mind a guy kissing me after they go down on me, its okay to taste yourself... gotta be comfortable with that.
-It takes a while to learn how to swallow, its almost like swallowing an oyster shooter.... lol... down it goes...

Avuncular 1 said...

An ex once told me that if a girl won't swallow, or is afraid of cum in general, the guy--consciously or unconsciously--views it as an act of rejection. I'm not saying that it is right or wrong for a guy to have that attitude, but I think she is right in her assesment. Yeah, it's pretty disconcerting when a girl gets up and runs out of the room, or does everything in her power not to be anywhere near you when you are about to go, but, I am not going to make anyone have to deal with cum if they don't want to. I still take a BJ, as long as the BJ itself is not half-assed. I've known some girls that were really good but didn't like the happy-ending (unhappy-ending?). Still, it is pretty hot when a girl "keeps her chin up."

Vadergrrrl said...

Dastard - so true...
Ive also had the guy pull out and say "I want to cum all over your face".... like a true Nina fan, I of course, obliged.... lol

Justin said...

Hoo boy, cold shower time.

Avuncular 1 said...

Uh, Vader....uh...um...I...(whilst loosening his color)..um...I'm at a loss as to what to say. I think I have to go home now and treat myself badly, but good.

NotCuredYet said...

Dastard said, "Still, it is pretty hot when a girl 'keeps her chin up.'" Which reminds me of something a former girlfriend used to do. She never swallowed (didn't like to) but she'd finish me off with a tit fuck and take it on the chin, so to speak. Only works (for me) with large breasts - I've tried it with less endowed woman and the effect is just not the same.

Michael said...

Hey, Vadergrrrl, I just saw you nominated me for that blog contest -- thanks! Doubt I'll get to view all the other nominees, so I'll just vote for you.

Hey everyone! Vote Vader (not Nader) in 2004!
Go to www.thepinkbee.com

Avuncular 1 said...

If she didn't like to swallow then that's OK NCY because at least she didn't fear it. You know, when a woman is perfoming the oral act on a men, they sometimes don't like the "wet" part at the end, but when a guy is going down on a girl, it is wet the whole way through (and with some women this is substantial). Good thing for me I like it. Men & women: learn to like it.
In terms of the using breasts, that's good too(it's all good in my book). It doesn't matter what size. There are ways to make it work. Sometimes you don't even need to put it in the cleavage. It feels good just to feel yourself against someone's hot skin. Completion isn't always requisite. It makes good foreplay as well.
Vader: eldastardo@hotmail.com

Vadergrrrl said...

You boys are the best.... LOL

Justin - hope the cold shower helped. That totally reminds me of the Big Ragu on Laverne and Shirley. "Carmine go take a cold shower".

Dastard - I hope you didnt treat yourself too badly... LOL. But bad as in good, is ALWAYS good.

NotCuredYet - Thats too funny. LOL. Keep your chin up... you gave all new meaning to that expression!

Michael - baby... you didnt have anything to say about my sex 101 post. I read Greg say he was going to wear a shirt that said "Everything I needed to know about sex I learned from Vadergrrrl". Now how about you? Where is your commentary? Im lost without your words...

Dastard - your such a gentlemen, in a sexy, nasty way. LOL. I emailed you.

Dave said...

Just read this today, and the KEY to everything here is this sentence:

"Nina says that half of being good at fellatio is the desire to do it - wanting to do it"

I used to have something written by a friend on this same subject... I'll try to find it and email it to you vader.

Excellent post BTW. Taught me a thing or two.
Dave

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