"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye -WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Friday, December 17, 2004

Greetings from Vader's Crazy So Called Life

Talking Douglas Firs
Sometimes I feel as if the huge Douglas Fir trees that cover the Pacific Northwest actually communicate with me. When I was a child, I would get the diverse shapes in the long, green and outstretched branches to perform puppet shows of sorts. My mind combined with nature created unlimited magical adventures. Now as an adult, I believe when you see shapes in objects, there is a psychic communication. Faces in clouds, the Virgin Mary in a stone, skulls in your bathroom steamed mirror (that actually happened to me in Oakland). Like Fox Mulder, I think the psychic world communicates to those whose third eye tunes in to those sorts of “groovy” thangs. Recently, as I stare off into the Douglas Fir trees and say goodbye, I sense a familiar conversation. These old trees forever possess a part of my soul and my heart. I here them bid farewell, but also call out for my inevitable return. As I always return home, every few years.

Whirlwind Dime Store Novel Life
Im ambivalent about moving. My last day of work was Wednesday. Good-byes are always hard. But in my case, its more like “Aloha”, a word that both means hello and goodbye. I know I will be back. Sharing personal details of my life like a diary can be quite challenging. Sometimes I opt to distract myself with posts on other things. Other times I feel silly for sharing the whirlwind of my crazy life. But, here goes….I think my meds are working and Im being “compliant” as my shrink says, because I feel good. I feel a sense of release. Im letting go of all my stress, and embarking on a sabbatical, to heal my mind, body and spirit. I lost 13 pounds in 3 weeks, which actually is pretty rapid weight loss. I wasn’t even trying, this was over the holidaze. In the last few months, Ive lost a total of 33 pounds. Im happy with how I look, and really don’t want to go back to bone skinny. I kinda like my C cup perky boobs. I worry that is where I will loose more weight if I continue to lose. But I am eating, Im just busy as all hell. Tomorrow my son “Trey” (his new name after a character in Boyz in da Hood and Menace to Society) is coming to visit me. Im putting his ass to work immediately. Two of his teenage friends are coming with me to get him, and I am making them all move furniture and boxes for a few hours when we get back. I also have some of my hot body male friends coming to help too. Im just moving my things to a local storage unit. Im only taking to Colorado a few books and things. I want to keep my things in storage here, because I believe I will be back within a year.

Christmas and Mental Hospitals
I move on the 29th of December, after the holidays. My brother is coming here, and his girlfriend, as well as my dad and his girlfriend. It should be a nice holiday. My little sister is now in a mental hospital. This is actually a good thing, because they were putting her in juvy, and that is not the best place for a bi-polar teen. I guess she attempted to hang herself with a bed sheet, while in juvy so they sent her for help. I worry about her, and Im sad she is going to be there for Christmas. Im also sad for my son, because I know he was looking forward to spending time with her. Like I say, the holidays are always kinda traumatic. I guess it’s a family tradition.

Another Pussy Tattoo
My gift to myself this year was a new tattoo. I got it last night at Lucky Boy Tattoo Parlor, ran by Nate, a good friend of mine. Nate has been a friend for years, and runs the most amazing tattoo parlor in Kitsap County. (I still have mad love for my other tattoo friends too). Nate appears on this video shot in Bremerton for the PotTV show Rebel Alliance (hosted by me). The video is from late 2000 btw. The “other guy” who tattoos at Lucky Boys, Chris, tattooed a hissing black cat on my shin. Its arched above my pentacle, which was my first tattoo. He re-did the pentacle and made it look more wicked (it was Starhawks Spiral Dance tattoo but it got faded). So now, it’s a cool black cat above my marking of the witch. (positive energy, or white witch of course). I love, love, love the tattoo, and will post photos soon.

Hope To Lavish You All With CyberLove Soon
Im sorry I have been so unavailable. Maybe Im spending too much time talking to the trees and spirits. But I really haven’t had time to be on the computer at all. I predict with the teenager occupation impending that I will have NO time for a bit. Im sure I will be back online after the first of January. I thank you all for reading my blog, being amazing people, and inspiring and encouraging me. I promise to lavish you all with lots of online attention when I get back online Jan 1. Please have a happy holiday and New Year. Will try to check in, until then, but I cant promise much.

(I don’t have time to edit this much. I must start packing boxes and clean. Ignore the typos and errors please. But I guess they are my trademark –wink-)


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Sexy Ass Stryker Boyz

Love for our Boyz
With the holidaze soon approaching I want to give a shout out to all the soldiers and military currently in Iraq. I especially want to give some cyber lovin to the boyz... mmmm well and grrrls too.

The Second Stryker Brigade
One of my special friends, TC (the biter) is currently serving in Iraq wit the Stryker Brigade. An article explaining the Stryker Brigade is attached to this post. The military blogger CB who did this blog
  • My War..Fear and Loathing in Iraq
  • is also with the Stryker Brigade. CB is now home, and the second Stryker Brigade took their place. This change in troops happened in October.

    Iraq Election Insanity
    The second Styker Brigade has already suffered combat and casualties due to the craziness with the Iraq election. I am thinking of those soldiers, who are willing to give their lives for our country and sending them lots of love.

    Here is a photosite from a soldier with the Stryker Brigade. The photos are pretty amazing.
    Stryker Photo website

    Heres a special cyber blow to you TC... stay safe babee. I miss you.


    Thank you to these bloggers who are also supporting our troops (and my special soldier ) by sending letters and cookies.
  • WoodnotWood

  • Magik Grl

  • Blonde Sagacity

  • Catt

  • Thank you to Sean for serving in Iraq, and volunteering to go back and help. I have much love for you hero.
  • Doc in the Box

  • Thanks also to American Soldier, who is about to leave for Iraq. I do hope to meet you and your family when you safely return. Hugs
  • American Soldier

  • -On a personal note, tomorrow is my last day of work. Im in the thick of my move now, and will not be available too much online. My son also is coming to visit me on Saturday. Im sure he will take over the computer and phone. I promise to check in and keep you all posted. Know that Im thinking of you guys and sending you love.

    -My brother will probably be joining the Stryker Brigade in March. He works in aviation as a blackhawk pilot and captain. I sure hope he doesnt find the nekkid photos I sent to TC. lol

    Stryker Brigade News

    2 Members From Fort Lewis-Based Unit Killed
    POSTED: 8:35 am PST December 10, 2004
    UPDATED: 9:41 am PST December 10, 2004
    BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Military officials say the two Americans killed in the crash of two helicopters in Iraq were with Task Force Olympia.
    That's the Fort Lewis-based unit operating out of Mosul.
    Four other soldiers injured in the crash have returned to duty.
    From this source

    Stryker Soldiers Killed In Iraq
    POSTED: 11:05 am PST November 9, 2004
    UPDATED: 12:20 pm PST November 9, 2004
    MOSUL, Iraq -- Two local soldiers in the Fort Lewis-based Stryker Brigade have died in Iraq
    A Task Force Olympia soldier was killed and a second service member later died of wounds following a mortar attack on a multinational base in Mosul on Tuesday.

    The names of the service members killed in the attack were being withheld pending notification of next of kin.
    A civilian contractor also wounded in the attack was evacuated to the military hospital in Baghdad.
    From the Seattle Times

    Soldiers From Fort Lewis Come Under Fire In Mosul
    POSTED: 6:03 am PST December 1, 2004
    MOSUL, Iraq -- U.S. soldiers from Fort Lewis came under fire Wednesday in Mosul, Iraq.
    Witnesses said one soldier from the First Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment of the Stryker Brigade was injured in the gun battle.
    The shooting erupted as troops traveling through western Mosul on a mission to discuss the January election with Iraqis stopped at a gasoline station.

    The witnesses say the attackers fled into a rocky open field and escaped after a half-hour firefight.
    Western Mosul is one of the most tense parts of the city, the third largest in Iraq with about 1 million inhabitants.
    From this source

    Stryker Brigade article
    The Army's first Stryker brigade will deploy from Fort Lewis in October for one year as part of a rotation plan to bring battle-weary soldiers home from Iraq, the branch's top general announced Wednesday.
    The plan, approved by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, calls for I Corps' 3rd Brigade of the 2nd Infantry Division to join the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment until March or April.

    The regiment then will leave, and the Stryker brigade will remain until October 2004, according to the plan announced at the Pentagon by Gen. John Keane, the Army's acting chief of staff.

    Long term, the Army is mulling the deployment of Fort Lewis' second Stryker brigade, the 1st Brigade of the 25th Infantry Division, in late 2004 for at least six months.

    The 3,600 soldiers of the first Stryker team essentially await a nod from the Army indicating they're ready for combat after returning last month from a three-month certification mission.

    "We have put them through their paces and they are ready to go," Keane said.

    Lt. Col. Joseph Piek, a brigade spokesman, said the announcement is a "mark on the wall" to alert soldiers and their families that a deployment is pending.

    "We are watching the news and understand the potential now for deployment," he said. "In the meantime, the soldiers and the units will continue to train and plan for whatever missions come their way."

    Army officials are writing the report on the brigade's performance during its recent mission. The report is scheduled to be presented to Congress for approval in early October.

    Rumsfeld still has the option of waiving the certification process, essentially speeding the brigade's deployment, if he deems there's a critical need.

    Most of the units from the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, based at Fort Carson, Colo., deployed to Iraq in April.

    The Stryker brigades are an integral part of the Army's transformation into a 21st century fighting force. The brigade, which gets its name from the eight-wheeled, 20-ton vehicles that it drives, is intended to fill the gap between light and heavy forces.

    The brigade, which can deploy anywhere in the world in 96 hours, can perform a variety of missions, including combat in an urban environment.

    Prior to its certification exercise in Louisiana, the soldiers conducted exercises at the National Training Center in California's Mojave Desert. This was the first time an Army infantry brigade has completed back-to-back maneuvers at two of the Army's combat training centers.

    The war in Iraq and U.S. military commitments around the globe have placed a strain on Army units.

    Sixteen of the Army's 33 active-duty brigades, each with between 3,000 and 5,000 soldiers, are deployed in Iraq and Kuwait. Ten other brigades are involved in ongoing missions, including those in Afghanistan and South Korea.

    "Certainly the force is stretched," Keane said, adding that morale is high among soldiers because they believe in the contribution they're making to defend America from terrorists.

    Thursday, December 09, 2004

    FUCKING SICK!!! Vader Aint Too Pure

    Two posts in one day! Yes… sigh. Im trying to kick down the photos so my blog will download. Since the last sex quiz I posted was rather tame (or vanilla), I figured I would now post the sick and twisted purity test. This test asks some nasty questions, I was not ashamed to admit. Results: I aint that pure. You can take the test too, the lower your score, the more sick and twisted you are.

    Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
    CategoryYour Score Average
    When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
    Puts 'em on the glass
    Sex Drive 44.7%
    I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!
    Knows the other body type like a map
    Gayness 80.4%
    Repressed, are we?
    Fucking Sick75.2%
    Refreshingly normal
    You are 50.13% pure
    Average Score: 72.6%

    -from the Purity Test Site

    Dare to take the
    The Ultimate Purity Test
    392 Questions that will tell EVERYONE what you have done

    We wanna know how dirty you are! Thus, the new and improved Purity Quiz is devoted to one thing: Sex, and lots of it, with updated questions on Cybersex, pornography, and the amazing wealth of fetishes that have sprung up in the last ten years.

    Furthermore, your answers will be broken down into six categories - your Straight Score, your Gay Score, your Self-Lovin' score, your Shamelessness Score, your Sex Drive Score, and your Fucking Sick! score. Furthermore, each score will be tallied and compared with everyone else who's taken the Ultimate Purity Quiz.
    If you score under 40% on this test, you are one sick bastard. Let's begin, shall we?

    The Fucking Sick part is my favorite. I could BOLD my answers on the below questions so you can see why I'm not so pure. But, I think its more fun to let you guess based on my results. The questions are pretty friggin wild, so Im going to post them, for those of you too scared to actually take the test. You can figure out for yourselves which questions I checked. lol Especially in the Fucking Sick part.... that part way rules!


    First Questions
    Really, we consider these to be a fait accompli, so they don't count towards any specific section. Check 'em all and move on - or if you can't, step away from the computer and get a date now.

    Have you ever...

    Kissed a friend or stranger on his/her hands, head, or neck as a friendly gesture?
    Held hands with someone?
    Had a date?
    Had a date which lasted past 1 a.m.?
    Dated someone on a regular basis?
    Picked someone up?
    Been picked up?
    Gone steady?
    Slow danced?
    Been told to slow down when making the moves on someone?
    Shared sleeping accommodations with someone without anything steamy happening?
    Given a back or neck rub or massage with no ulterior motive?
    Used tickling as a pick-up, get-to-know-you-better routine?
    Directly asked someone whom you were not going out with and had never gone out with if they were a virgin?
    Used physical strength, physical power, or any physical prowess, or prowesslessness as a factor in pick-up, get-to-know-you-better routine?
    Secretly lusted after someone without that person knowing?
    Dropped subtle hints to someone whom you liked/loved/wanted, hoping that they would pick up on it?
    Written a love letter?
    ...and sent it?
    Listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
    Told dirty jokes in mixed company?
    Discussed masturbation? (Bringing up the topic of masturbation during Purity Testing does not cut it as "discussing masturbation".)
    Shared filthy sex stories in public?
    Administered/written any version of the Purity Test?
    Taken Purity Tests of any versions more than 5 times?
    Lied on any previous Purity Tests?

    Sure, maybe you've slept with everyone from your sister to Ethel Kennedy - but are you comfortable with yourself? This section measures what measures you've put your pudendum through - is it still in the wrapper or have you put it through the wringer?

    (Hmm. Though the wringer. Maybe that's a question for the next version....)

    Have you ever...

    Had an arousing dream? (Wet dreams and the like)
    Had an arousing dream that led to climax during sleep?
    Been sexually aroused?
    Verbally expressed obscenities? (uttered, yelled, muttered, etc.)
    Sexually fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who is superior to you? (One-day skydiving teachers, or two-hour ski instructors and the like do not count.)
    Sexually fantasized about your lawyer, doctor, nurse, psychiatrist or someone with whom you are having a professional relationship?
    Sexually fantasized about someone you know personally but not closely?
    Sexually fantasized about anyone and masturbated at the same time?
    Read pornographic periodicals?
    Bought pornographic materials? (Not had a friend buy it for you; you brought it up to the counter and paid the cash, or had it sent to your house.)
    Read sexually explicit literature?
    Gone skinny dipping alone?
    Made obscene phone calls?
    Phoned up any recorded phone sex numbers (this includes answering machines with "phone sex" material)?
    Had live phone sex?
    Masturbated to orgasm while on the phone, but while the other person was not aware of it?
    Had cybersex?
    Masturbated to orgasm?
    Masturbated to orgasm at least five times in one twenty-four hour period?
    Masturbated to orgasm on a fairly regular basis of no less than once a fortnight?
    Masturbated to orgasm where you could have been discovered? (In a crowd, in public, gym/dorm/barracks showers, movie theater, etc.)
    Masturbated to orgasm out in the wild or in nature with no nearby civilization?
    Masturbated to orgasm while reading either pornographic or sexually explicit materials?
    Masturbated to orgasm while driving a land vehicle?
    Masturbated to orgasm while in a bathroom of the opposite sex?
    Masturbated to orgasm while watching an R or X-rated show?
    Masturbated to straight pornography?
    Masturbated to gay pornography?
    Masturbated to transvestite pornography?
    Masturbated to bondage porn?
    Masturbated to erotica?
    Masturbated to a non-pornographic book (like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or pictures of topless natives in National Geographic)?
    Masturbated to a non-pornographic video with no naked people in it (like your favorite star during a television interview)?
    Masturbated to some form of animation? (Heavy Metal, how I love thee!)
    Been to a peep show?
    Been to a private showing of a pornographic movie?
    Been to a public showing of a pornographic movie? (i.e. X-rated movie house)
    Walked around in your dwelling in the nude? (Must be a serious walk; five minutes of going around trying to find your undies after a shower doesn't make it.)
    Bought a sexual toy for the purpose of masturbation?
    Owned any erotic art pieces?
    Sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in food (predominantly bananas, carrots, apples...)?
    Eaten any erotic food items? (Chocolate tits, banana dicks, etc.)
    Sculpted erotic-obscene artworks in soap, wood, or any other carvable material (not food)?
    Inserted your finger into your rectum?
    Performed oral sex on yourself? (Yes, this is possible.)
    Been to a strip club?
    Paid for a lap dance?
    Gotten a happy ending from the lap dance?
    Taken the stripper home at the end of the evening?
    Bought a lap dance for someone else just to watch the look on their face?
    Paid to view pornographic content on the internet?
    Installed a program on your computer (RealMedia, etc.) for the express purpose of viewing pornography?
    Had someone else find your porno stash?
    Sent samples of your porno stash to someone else?
    Watched a hentai video? (LA Blue Girl and the like)
    Owned a hentai video?
    Do you have over twenty pictures of porn on your hard drive right now?
    Do you have over twenty megabytes of porn on your hard drive now?
    Do you have over two hundred megabytes of porn on your hard drive?

    There are a lot of closed doors in sex. We've all known total sluts who dressed well and wore glasses, and the virgin who tormented us but saved herself for marriage. This section sees how willing you are to show off your sexual side - while the last section showed what you'd do with the doors closed and a gallon of Vaseline, this is what you'll do when people are watching. Or maybe because people are watching.

    Have you ever....

    Stuffed your bra if you are female, or stuffed your pants if you are male?
    Intentionally dressed in revealing clothes?
    Been paid for modelling services of any kind?
    Walked around in a public or semi-public area with a top (shirt, T-shirt, etc) but no bottoms (pants, shorts, etc)? (Dorm hallways, lobby areas, etc. are acceptable; however locker rooms and bathrooms and such place where this behavior is accepted does not count.)
    Exaggerated any sexual experiences?
    Claimed, in public, to be the best (or at least really good) at a particular sex act?
    Streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
    ...more than once?
    ...more than ten times?
    ...more than fifty times?
    Streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before a formal (official) gathering of people? (Such as for a function, stage performance, charity dinner, modelling session, etc.)
    Stripped naked for someone?
    Been paid to strip?
    Been in a circle jerk?
    Had sex in public?
    Been caught having sex in public?
    Started a game of strip poker? (Not participated; started.)
    Written erotica (slash fiction and fanfic counts)?
    Written erotica and had it published (on the internet or elsewhere?)
    Written erotica and gotten fan mail on it?
    Bought sexual toys with friends present?
    Bought birth control devices?
    Bought birth control devices with friends (not your lovers) present?
    Flashed someone at a concert?
    Gotten beads at New Orleans (or some other suitable street party)?
    Been photographed nude (or topless, if you're a girl)?
    Been photographed nude (or topless, if you're a girl) and had those pictures posted to the internet?
    Been photographed having sex (masturbation counts) and had those pictures posted to the internet?
    ...without your face hidden or blurred so people couldn't recognize you?
    Sent nude photos in to be processed by a third party? (Oh, digital cameras make it so easy these days...)
    Sent nude pictures of yourself to someone who was not present at the time you were photographed?
    Had anyone to the best of your knowledge, masturbate to a nude picture of you? (Be honest.)
    Had anyone, to the best your knowledge, pay to view nude photos of you?
    Received gifts of any sort in exchange for flashing your breasts, ass, or genitalia (if you have a web page and some old guy spontaneously bought you some items from your Amazon Wish list, this counts)?
    Given a full-fledged webcam show, including dancing and at least partial stripping?
    Run a pornographic site of any kind?
    ...And made a significant amount of cash off of it?
    Mooned or goosed someone?
    Made an X or R-rated snowman or snow-woman?
    Shaved your pubic hair?
    ...on a fairly regular basis?
    Gone skinny dipping in mixed company?
    Had sex with someone watching you but not participating?

    Sure, everyone likes sex (and if you don't, we suggest you try it sometime) - but what are you willing to do to get it? Some will pick only the low-hanging fruit off the tree, while others will cut down the whole fucking orchard. This section's all about your need - how much you're willing to give up in order to get some of that sweet, sweet contact.

    Have you ever...

    Told someone that you loved them when you did not?
    Told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted to have sex with them?
    Sexually fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sexual activity?
    Used a convertible, motorcycle or some other "hot ride" to pick up guys/girls?
    Intentionally listened in to other people performing sexual activities without their knowledge?
    Used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions for the intent of sexual activity?
    Used drugs to lower someone else's inhibitions for the intent of sexual activity?
    Forced or coerced someone into performing sexual activities with you?
    Had dates with multiple people in the same night while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?
    Gone steady with multiple people at the same time without all of the people aware of what you were doing?
    Gone steady with multiple people at the same time with all of them aware of your actions?
    Given money or some favor in exchange for sexual activities?
    Thought you might unintentionally have gotten pregnant or might have unintentionally caused a pregnancy?
    Had or given someone an unwanted pregnancy?
    Had sexual intercourse with more than 10 people (not necessarily at the same time)?
    Had sexual intercourse with more than 1 person in a 24 hour period?
    Had sexual intercourse with persons of both genders in a 24 hour period?
    Borrowed a room at a party to have sex or make out with someone?
    ...more than once?
    ...more than once at the same party?
    ...more than once at the same party with two different people?
    Played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
    Played a game which may require you or others to perform an action on another participant?
    Given a "sympathy fuck"?
    Initiated sexual activities with someone for the sake of those activities only?
    Willingly committed incest?
    Been involved in adultery?
    Had sex so strenuous that someone was injured in the course of it?
    Stolen the underwear of someone you know for a purpose other than that of a practical joke or to just annoy the person? (A bunch of guys invading the women's dorm on a mission of panty raids does not count.)
    Intentionally taken the underwear of someone you didn't know?
    Fondled someone who was asleep?
    Attempted to seduce someone?
    Allowed yourself to be seduced?
    Had a fuck buddy?
    ...who you continued to have sex with throughout at least two other relationships?
    Broken up with someone because of a lack of sex?
    Cheated on more than one partner?
    ...cheated more than five times, with a different partner each time? (This does not have to be all with the same partner, though; cheating twice on one partner and three times on another counts.

    I once knew a lesbian who'd known since she was six years old that she was destined to be gay - never kissed a boy, never held hands with one. She was the exception; even though straightness is what society strongly suggest, most gays have a little bit of experimentation under their belt. (Heh.) And if you are straight, well, hell, this section should be a cakewalk for you if you've gone all the way even once.

    For the record, if you're a boy, this counts the activities you've done with girls. If you're girl, it's what you've done with boys. If you're a transsexual, well hell... Just pick one.

    Have you ever...

    Propositioned someone for necking or petting?
    Propositioned someone for sexual activities?
    Pinched or patted someone else's buttocks?
    French kissed?
    Been kissed below the neck but not including arms or hands?
    Kissed someone else below the neck but not including arms or hands?
    Petted above the waist?
    Petted below the waist?
    Kissed on the first date?
    Necked on the first date?
    Petted above the waist on the first date?
    Petted below the waist on the first date?
    Given a hickey?
    Received a hickey?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's clothed legs?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's bare legs?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's chest/torso?
    Had your chest/torso fondled or stroked?
    Been involved with pelvic thrusting while fully clothed?
    Had your fingers licked or sucked?
    Had your ear or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked, or nibbled?
    Licked, breathed on, sucked, or nibbled an ear or ear region?
    Licked or sucked someone else's finger(s)?
    Fondled someone who was asleep?
    Given a back massage with ulterior motives?
    Given a back massage that led to something steamier?
    Seen someone else completely nude while the person was under good lighting conditions?
    Been seen completely nude under good lighting conditions by someone else?
    Been in someone's company while both of you were completely nude?
    Bathed or showered with someone?
    Let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself. (This means that it doesn't count if you were in the hospital with two broken arms and the nurse washed you, no matter how cute she is.)
    Stroked or fondled someone's clothed nipple(s), or, had your clothed nipples stroked or fondled?
    Stroked or fondled a someone's bare nipples(s), or had your bare nipples(s) stroked or fondled?
    Licked, sucked, or nibbled on someone else's nipple(s)? (Either one at a time, or, if you're really clever, both at the same time.)
    Had your nipple(s) licked, sucked, or nibbled upon?
    Petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's covered genitals?
    Had your covered genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled?
    Petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's bare genitals?
    Had anal sex?
    Had your bare genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled?
    Had an orgasm while petting?
    Given your partner an orgasm while petting?
    Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity?
    Performed oral sex?
    Received oral sex?
    Done sixty-nine?
    Performed mutual masturbation?
    Had sexual intercourse?
    Had sexual intercourse on the first date?
    Had sexual intercourse without the use of birth control devices? (Rhythm, prayer, and hope methods do not count.)
    Had sexual intercourse with a virgin? (Not yourself.)
    Had sexual activities with more than ten people?
    Fingered their ass?
    Licked their ass?
    Had your own ass fingered or licked?

    Now here's the interesting part: How much have you done on the forbidden side? When we refer to "someone" in the next section, read "someone of your own sex." There's a little bit of translation involved - for example, "virgin" in this section means "someone who's never had a homosexual experience before" - but you're smart. We're sure you'll get it.

    Have you ever...

    Propositioned someone for necking or petting?
    Propositioned someone for sexual activities?
    Pinched or patted someone else's buttocks?
    French kissed?
    Been kissed below the neck but not including arms or hands?
    Kissed someone else below the neck but not including arms or hands?
    Petted above the waist?
    Petted below the waist?
    Kissed on the first date?
    Necked on the first date?
    Petted above the waist on the first date?
    Petted below the waist on the first date?
    Given a hickey?
    Received a hickey?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's clothed legs?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's bare legs?
    Fondled or stroked someone else's chest/torso?
    Had your chest/torso fondled or stroked?
    Been involved with pelvic thrusting while fully clothed?
    Had your fingers licked or sucked?
    Had your ear or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked, or nibbled?
    Licked, breathed on, sucked, or nibbled an ear or ear region?
    Licked or sucked someone else's finger(s)?
    Fondled someone who was asleep?
    Given a back massage with ulterior motives?
    Given a back massage that led to something steamier?
    Seen someone else completely nude while the person was under good lighting conditions?
    Been seen completely nude under good lighting conditions by someone else?
    Been in someone's company while both of you were completely nude?
    Bathed or showered with someone?
    Let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself. (This means that it doesn't count if you were in the hospital with two broken arms and the nurse washed you, no matter how cute she is.)
    Stroked or fondled someone's clothed nipple(s), or, had your clothed nipples stroked or fondled??
    Stroked or fondled someone's bare nipple(s), or, had your bare nipples stroked or fondled??
    Licked, sucked, or nibbled on someone else's nipple(s)? (Either one at a time, or, if you're really clever, both at the same time.)
    Had your nipple(s) licked, sucked, or nibbled upon?
    Petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's covered genitals?
    Had your covered genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled?
    Petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's bare genitals?
    Had your bare genitals petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled?
    Had an orgasm while petting?
    Given your partner an orgasm while petting?
    Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity?
    Performed oral sex?
    Received oral sex?
    Done sixty-nine?
    Performed mutual masturbation?
    Had sexual intercourse? (Women, choose your own damn definiton, but it does involve total nakedness.)
    Had sexual intercourse on the first date?
    Had sexual intercourse without proper protection?
    Had sexual intercourse with a virgin? (Not yourself.)
    Had opposite-sex sexual activities with more than ten people?
    Fingered their ass?
    Licked their ass?
    Had your own ass fingered or licked?
    Had anal sex? (Women, you get a two-for-one if you've used a strap-on, which is also covered in the "Fucking Sick" section. Take it and run.)

    The Fucking Sick part is my favorite.

    This is what you've been waiting for, isn't it? You've just been clicking through the mundane stuff, going, "Yep - done that - done that - done that..." and all the while wondering, "When are they going to ask me something I haven't done?"

    Well, this is the place where all the fetishes come out. This is the bizarre stuff. The depraved. The deranged. The absolute nadir of humanity. If you get under 40% on this section, we don't want to know you.

    But we do admire you. Not that we'd ever admit it to our parents.

    Have you ever...

    Urinated on someone else intentionally? (Piss fights!)
    Defecated on someone else intentionally?
    Entered a bathroom of the opposite sex while you were not accompanied by someone of the opposite sex and were not involved in a search and/or rescue mission at the time?
    Received money or some favor in exchange for sexual activities?
    Had sex while either you or your partner, but not both, were under the age of consent for the state that you were in?
    Tasted your own orgasmic liquids?
    Had sexual intercourse with a religious officiary? (Priest, nun, mother-superior, cardinal, pope, etc.)
    Had sex with someone dressed as a religious officiary?
    Practiced bestiality? (avec les animaux)
    Practiced transvestism?
    ...in public?
    ...more than five times?
    Ever have to go to the hospital to have something removed from your rectum?
    Practiced sadism? (for clarification, a sadist likes to hurt others)
    Practiced masochism? (for clarification, a masochist likes to receive pain)
    Practiced bondage?
    Practiced domination?
    Practiced submission?
    Practiced cocrophilia? (Marked interest in excrement; esp. use of feces or filth for sexual excitement.)
    Practiced frotteurism? (masturbation by rubbing against another person, The need to rub against another stranger, especially in a tightly packed crowd)
    Practiced klismaphilia? (A dependency on being given an enema.)
    Practiced necrophilia? (Fascination with the dead; specif: obsession with and usually erotic attraction toward and stimulation by corpses, typically evidenced by overt acts, like fucking a dead body - eeeyew)
    Practiced mysophilia? (A dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as sweaty underwear or used menstrual pads.)
    Practiced scoptophilia? (A dependency on looking at sexual organs and watching sexual activity openly. Not surreptitious as in voyeurism.)
    Practiced urophilia? (Being dependently responsive to the smell or taste of urine or the sight and sound of someone urinating.)
    Practiced blood play? (Cutting flesh and drinking the blood.)
    Been a furry? (Defined, in these circumstances, as someone who is sexually attracted to cartoon animals)
    Dressed up in a furry costume for purposes of attracting other furries?
    Been a plushie? (Someone who has sex with stuffed animals - no, really!)
    Had a shoe fetish?
    had a foot fetish to any degree?
    Had a hypnofetish? (Getting off on the idea of hypnotized people in sexual situations)
    Had some other major fetish (i.e., been so turned on by a nonsexual object like a refrigerator or a coat hanger that you have masturbated to pictures of it that contained no sexual content)?
    Owned a collection of underwear not originally your own?
    Worn lingerie? (Yes, men can too)
    Been a voyeur? (Being dependently responsive to the risk of being caught while illicitly peering at another person or couple undressing or engaged in sexual activity.)
    Been involved in a double penetration, wherein two men have anal and vaginal sex simultaneously with a woman?
    Been involved in a threesome (a menage-a-trois)with two males and a female?
    ...more than once?
    ...more than five times?
    ...where the two men performed sexual activities on each other?
    Been involved in a threesome with two females and a male?
    ...more than once?
    ...more than five times?
    ...where the two women performed sexual activities on each other?
    Engaged in sexual activities with a person and his/her parent?
    Engaged in sexual activities, necking, or petting with a person and his/her sibling?
    Been involved in a gang bang, where several men (at least three) mount one woman?
    Been involved in a reverse gang bang, where several women (at least three) mount one man? (Check it off and then email me, all right? You lucky bastard.)
    Been in a 69 circle?
    Been to an oil party (cooking, baby, Wesson)?
    Participated in a heterosexual orgy or been involved in group sex? (Four people or more; partners must be exchanged.)
    Participated in a bisexual orgy or group sex? (Four people or more; partners must be exchanged.)
    Participated in a fuck-a-thon?
    Used anal beads? (They come as a set of several balls strung together. These balls are inserted into the rectum of one of the participants before sex, and are yanked out, usually by the partner, during orgasm.)
    Videotaped someone in a compromising position without their awareness (i.e., total voyeurism)?
    Taken out a swingers' ad?
    ...And had it answered with a face-to-face meeting that led to sex?
    Been to a swingers' club?
    Gone to a weekend "lifestyle" retreat?
    Stayed at home while your Significant Other was out having sex with someone else, and you both knew about it and were okay with it?
    ...More than once?
    ...More than five times?
    ...And been excited by it?
    ...And went for the sloppy seconds?
    Practiced polyamory?
    Lived in a polyamorous household?
    Inserted a live animal in your rectum?
    Ever bought at least $20 worth of sex toys?
    Bought at least $100 worth of sex toys?
    Bought at least $250 worth of sex toys?
    Do you have a dungeon in your basement?
    Do you have a standard safe word you use for B&D play? (Making one up now does not count.)
    Had someone ignore your safe word?
    Been blindfolded for any activity other than "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?
    Ever been tied up by the hands?
    Been tied up by the hands and feet?
    Been forced to perform oral sex while bound?
    Had oral sex performed on you while bound?
    Penetrated someone or been penetrated while bound?
    Been sodomized while bound?
    Used a strap-on or had one used on you?
    Been strapped to a bed and left alone for any significant period of time?
    Been bound to a wall?
    Been bound on the cross?
    Been bound to any object not mentioned here already for the purposes of sex?
    Been whipped or spanked?
    Been whipped or spanked so hard that you had marks the next day?
    ...and showed those marks proudly to someone who was not involved in the whipping/spanking?
    Whipped or spank someone?
    Used hot wax?
    Been shown off in public as a slave, or shown someone off in public as a slave? (With the proper acoutrement)
    Pierced your ear?
    Pierced your ear more than once?
    Pierced your ear through the cartilage?
    Opened up any piercing with a wider gauge?
    Pierced your nose?
    Pierced your eyebrow?
    Pierced your nipple?
    Pierced your genitals?
    ...More than once?
    Pierced your bellybutton?
    Pierced your tongue?
    Pierced your tongue for the sole reason that you heard it made oral sex better?
    Sucked a pierced nipple?
    Kissed someone with a pierced tongue?
    Gone down on someone who had pierced genitals?
    Gotten a tattoo?
    ...of something erotic?
    Been involved in a bukkake shower (where the one person induces several men to come in some container, and pours/drinks the semen over his or her face?)
    Had your stomach pumped in order to remove semen?
    willingly urinated on the garments that you were wearing?
    Willingly urinated on any part of your body?
    Willingly defecated on yourself?
    Been fisted or fisted someone?

    Inner Peace

    I am posting this because it has definitely worked for
    me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have
    finally found inner peace........ It reads: "The way to achieve inner
    peace is to finish all the things you've started."

    I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

    So, today I have finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of
    red wine, a bottle of Baileys, my Celexa, a large box of chocolates
    and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel.

    You may post this if you feel in need of Inner Peace

    Happy Holidaze.

    Monday, December 06, 2004

    True Freaky Tales of a Slutty, Dirty Whore

    Slut Tales
    Nothing like a good slutty post to detract from my previous crazy and depressed rantings. They always say, crazy girls are good in bed. I find sex to be the BEST anti-depressant in the world. I LOVE SEX, and I can go for hours. I especially love porn/sex-athons, where my lover and I will spend all day watching porn and having sex. I think the most times I have had sex in one day is 11. When Im in a relationship, I like to have sex at least 3 times a day. I guess Im somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

    Sexin the World
    My last boyfriend was so obsessed and consumed with my love of sex, he became a crazy jealous psycho. He assumed that since I loved sex so much, I must be having sex with the world. The truth is, Im very monogomous. I don’t believe in lying, and if I want to fuck someone else while in a commited relationship, I will just be honest and say so. What good does lying and sneaking around do?

    I heart Sex….and Hard Cocks!
    I love oral sex, I love anal sex, I love sex toys, Im multi orgasmic, and I LOVE TO PLEASE. I love the taste and feel of a hard cock. Masturbation is great, but the feel of a hard cock is the best treat on earth. I love the salty taste of cum, I love when guys cum in my mouth, on my tits, in my face. I just fucking LOVE IT ALL.

    Here are some quizes, for some Monday Fun.

    How Porn are you?

    Vader scored 150%
    sex god/goddess

    Here is another quiz I got from Chaz who got it from avatar

    1. Copy this whole list into your journal/blog.
    2. Bold the things that are true about you.
    3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

    PART I

    01. I've had sex in the past five minutes.
    02. I enjoy oral sex.
    03. I scream loudly during sex.
    04. I love sleeping with more than two people.
    05. I own at least two books about sex.
    06. I've peeked into the locker room of the opposite sex.
    07. I have taken money for sex.
    08. I've had sex while under the influence of a controlled substance. (several)
    09. I've been in porn movies. (home ones)
    10. I have been the odd person in a threesome.
    11. I have published the sexual exploits of a past relationship without telling my ex.
    12. I have lied to a lover about having an affair.
    13. I have more than ten tattoos.
    14. I like and Respect Jenna Jameson.
    15. I like slow sex.
    16. I have learned a lot sexually over the past year.
    17. I have a sexual fantasy about another blogger.
    18. I've been told I'm a great lover.
    19. I carry a condom at all times.
    20. I'm interested in trying suspension.
    21. I've broken a bone while having sex.
    22. I have had a wet dream that I am ashamed to reveal.
    23. I have had sex in the rain.
    24. I have had sex while someone else watched.
    25. I would get plastic surgery if it would improve my sex life.
    26. I want to fuck right now! (always)
    27. I like to play with food.
    28. I like sex that's hard and fast. ALWAYS
    29. I always brush my teeth after sex.
    30. I shave my pubic hair.
    31. I have traveled out of town to have sex.
    32. I have fantasized about having sex with my brother-/sister-in-law. (ew.)
    33. I have had sex with a person from a country other than my own.
    34. I dress to look sexy every day.
    35. I have had sex with twins.
    36. I have had sex with someone I met over the internet. (who hasn't?)
    37. I have more than ten sex toys.
    38. I like the way I look naked.
    39. I have lied to get a person to have sex with me.
    40. I change from one sex position to another in a specific order each time.
    41. I saw my parents having sex.
    42. I get cable just for the soft porn. (SPICE CHANNEL SUXS)
    43. I think legalized prostitution can reduce some crime.
    44. I have a list of people I would like to see naked.
    45. I am regularly tested for STDs.
    46. I am one kinky bitch.
    47. I'm always hungry after sex.
    48. I enjoy phone sex.
    49. I have been arrested for being naked in public.
    50. I have had sloppy drunk sex with a stranger.


    1. I have, either currently or in the past, gone over a year without sex. (Does under 17 count?)
    2. I have a partially used tube of KY Jelly close to my bed.
    3. I sometimes buy clothes specifically to turn people on. (corsets, high heels, fishnets, you name it)
    4. I sleep with my socks on.
    5. I have gotten someone drunk on purpose.
    6. I set aside some time (almost) each day to surf porn online.
    7. There are nude pictures of me somewhere on the Internet.
    8. My family would FREAK if they read this list.
    9. I can orgasm on command.
    10. I have had sex standing up.
    11. I have leather in my closet and I'm not afraid to wear it.
    12. Given the opportunity, I would have sex with a porn star.
    13. I know someone who needs a copy of "Sex for Dummies."
    14. There is at least one extended family member (cousin, aunt, etc.) I would jump if we weren't related. (ew.)
    15. I think hose are sexy.
    16. I think limited nudity should be allowed on television after 10:00 at night.
    17. I like ribbed condoms.
    18. I am pierced somewhere other than my ears or navel.
    19. I have had sex in the shower.
    20. My parents caught me having sex.
    21. My child(ren) caught me masturbating.
    22. Watching other people have sex turns me on.
    23. I own more than ten porn tapes/DVDs.
    24. I have used a vegetable as a sex toy.
    25. I enjoy reading erotic literature.
    26. I can get wet/hard just by the sound of someone's voice.
    27. I have used a sex swing.
    28. I have employed the services of a professional sex worker.
    29. I have a membership on at least one adult pay site.
    30. I would give up another habit (smoking, drinking, over-eating) if it meant having more sex. (in a heartbeat)
    31. I would consider hiring someone to teach me about the finer points of sex.
    32. Given the opportunity, I would appear in an adult magazine.
    33. I think reality TV should show who's having sex with whom.
    34. I get wet/hard just walking into a Victoria's Secret store.
    35. I keep a "Top 5" list of famous people I would like to fuck. (Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Rose McGowan, Slim Shady, Jude Law)
    36. I have participated in an orgy. (does a threesome count?)
    37. My current sex life is beyond boring.
    38. I am actively looking for a new sex partner.
    39. I do NOT think having sex always means making a long-term commitment.
    40. I have at least one sex toy made of glass.
    41. I think anti-pornography laws are too restrictive. (fuck you and your dildo-free ilk, Jerry Falwell)
    42. People would be surprised if they knew how often I think about sex.
    43. I think 16 is a good age to begin having sex.
    44. I have special names for my sex organs.
    45. I have used sex to get what I want.
    46. I think the world would be a better place if people had sex more often. (make love, not war)
    47. I think some public nudity should be legal. (encouraged, even)
    48. I have at least one sex toy that is purple.
    49. I think a blogger orgy would be ... interesting.
    50. Just reading this list makes me horny

    Happy Horney MONDAY!

    Later Dayz and Better Layz

    Saturday, November 27, 2004

    My Addiction to Pain

    Sweet pleasure…
    biting your lip so hard it bleeds
    Picking your fingers raw
    Drinking yourself to obliteration

    Why does it feel good?

    There is sweet control
    In slicing your arm

    Red blood flow

    and you feel nothing.
    -MLW 11/2004

    I wrote this poem tonight thinking about pain. Sometimes I think I like pain. It’s as welcoming as Saturday morning cartoons. Occasionally, I create my pain in some sick attempt to capture “control”. As of late, my heart feels numb. Days and weeks can pass and I feel nothing. I feel empty and hollow, as if someone ripped my heart away.

    It’s been years since I cut myself, or scratched up my arms with my own fingernails. But I do other things to hurt myself, like chewing up my lip, or neurotically picking at my fingers. Bulimia served as a form of self-torture. My life seems like a cycle of self inflicted tribulation.

    It’s hard to cry when numb and cold. I’m so wrapped up in my private battle with demons that I don’t notice the world around me. I don’t see the pain of others and how my pain and actions affect the world. I can smile and pretend to be okay. The pills somewhat numb the pain, and keep me moving. Sleep becomes my world…. My escape. I can sleep for hours, and for days. Why wake up? Life hurts too much sometimes.

    I feel unlovable. I am forever the unwanted little girl waiting on the doorstep for daddy to come rescue me. Love hurts and causes you to hurt. Unconditional love from a child seems such a safe love. But that hurts too because they grow up and leave, and then you are alone.

    Until I slay my demons, I can never mature past the wounded child. Staying numb, walking wounded, isolating, existing but not living, not again loving. This may be the easy path

    This is me, and how I think. If it disturbs you to read this, then by all means, click the box and leave. I blog to vent, to write, to heal. This is my cheap therapy. With my computer connection being so fucked up its impossible to enjoy an online life. I’m sad because I really love a lot of the bloggers, and I so enjoy reading other writing. However, living online as much as I did distracted me from dealing with my life. So maybe it’s a good that I am somewhat cut-off. In any case, I do appreciate people reading me, listening, and being supportive. I’m sorry I’m not able to return the support.

    For now I’m stuck dealing with my life, and how I’m going to live it alone. I never had to think about that, being a single mom for so long. Some days I’m excited, other times I’m fucking scared out of my mind. Thanksgiving was rough; my family drama combined with not having my son.

    But pain feels good I suppose. Otherwise I would stop getting into relationships that hurt me. That’s why I think its safer not to let anyone get too close. Though I would love to be held right now and feel the warmth of someone’s rescuing arms, I think its better to do this on my own. There is strength and pride in knowing you can save yourself. Lord knows Prince Charming fairy tales just don’t come true. Not for bad girls like me at least.

    Writing serves as my form of exorcising demons. I can release my rage, anger, sorrows and pain. Putting into words my raw emotions, expunges the dead debris of forgotten yesterdays. Tonight, I will sleep, waking tomorrow with a new day to heal.

    I wish I could take tha pain away
    If you can make it through tha night, there's a brighter day
    everything'll be alright if ya hold on
    it's a struggle
    everyday gotta roll on
    and there's no way I can pay ya back
    but my plan is ta show ya that I understand
    you are appreciated.......
    -Tupac "Dear Momma"

    Monday, November 22, 2004

    Why I hate holidays…..

    Broken Family Blues..
    Looking back at my childhood, I think there must have been a time I enjoyed the holidays. I still can remember a little of family life before my parents divorced. I remember sitting on my dad’s lap as he played chess, or some glimmers of magical holiday memories. I was “daddy’s girl” and with 2 other sisters and a mother who resented that, it definitely broke my spirits after my dad left. I cried so hard the day he packed up his things to go I remember begging him at the door to take me with him. I think a part of my heart broke that day, and never truly repaired. My dad still talks of this day, and will tearfully apologize. In any event, I was 6 then, and holidays never seemed to be the same after that. I guess the magic disappeared.

    Kitchen Disasters with my Bro
    A lot of my childhood memories I black out for survival reasons. Most holidays, I can’t remember. My sisters were older than my brother and I by at least 5 years, so we experienced different childhood realities. I can remember some holidays with just my brother and my mom. My sisters were out of the house, and not coming home for the holidays. My brother and I would make the meal because we worried my mom was too stressed from working full time. Though much of our recipes turned into disasters, I still recall these times fondly.

    Wacky Science Nerd to the Rescue
    My mom being a single mom always verbalized how difficult it was for her. My brother and I basically raised each other, with my mom exhausted and over stressed from our burden on her life. She told me that she wished we lived with our dad so that she could be free and single. Unfortunately, hearing this at 8 or 9 really hurts. My stepdad came into the picture when I was in 7th grade. My mom was tired of dating, tired of being a single parent, and rushed into a marriage with this odd junior college professor. My step dad has no social skills, and epitomizes the odd, quirky, quiet science geek. My mom let him know that my brother and I were “out of control brats” and that she needed help. The man was completely unprepared for this task. Hence ensued the disaster.

    Morning Paper's Dead Discovery
    My mom married my stepdad Christmas time my 7th grade year. I cant remember much about the wedding or the holiday. It’s all a blur. I do recall spending “their honeymoon” /my Christmas break at a friends house. Waking up hapily to fresh snow and endless hours of Sega videogames, my friends mom shoved a newspaper in my face and asked me if I knew the kid on the front page. I told her that I knew him from pre-school and I used to go to daycare at his house. His parents were good friends with my mother. She then said, “well he died” and showed me the article about him and his father and brother getting into a serious accident and being decapitated by a semi truck.. This hit me hard, it was the first death of a peer. The fact that it happened right after my parents marriage almost seemed like a bad omen.

    Batteling the Bi-Polar Bear
    My stepdad has recently been diagnosed as bipolar. We didn’t know what was wrong with him at the time, it just seemed like he hated us, and nothing we did was right. He was a perfectionist in the kitchen, and immediately took it over. We were no longer allowed to cook, or use anything but paper plates and the microwave. Even then, we would make some kind of mess and get in trouble. His way of rule, was Machiavellian fear and nuclear explosions. He would throw us up against he walls by our necks, slam us down, choke us, and grab my arms so hard it left bruises. That hurt yes, but I always fought back using my fingernails. My mom would then accuse me of abusing my step dad. Words hurt the most. Those wounds never heal. Being called a “bitch”, “worthless piece of shit” “God Damn Kid” etc, EVERY day wears on your soul. Especially for a kid. My mom says to me now, “Well didn’t you realize your stepdad had psychological problems and didn’t mean it?” Who understands those things as a kid?

    Hurricane Holidaze
    Every holiday with my stepdad turned into a disaster. He insisted on preparing the meal himself, and we were not allowed to disturb him in the process. Just walking from our bedrooms to the bathroom could potentially “disturb” him. Inevitably, we screwed up, and some sort of fight and drama would entail. This is before the meal even was on the table. Once the meal was prepared, my stepdad would be pretty drunk from a long day of sippin on gin and tonic. He would also feel entitled to praise and thanks for his hard efforts. By this time, we were stressed out from already being in trouble and walking on eggshells. Plus, its hard to seem thankful when your mad. During the dinner, someone would unavoidably say something wrong, and be sent to their room for the rest of dinner. Usually it was me and I grew to despise the holidays at this point. This might have been the time I started to hate eating turkey and eventually turned me vegetarian.

    Collard Greens and Navy Dayz
    As a young wife, I can remember trying really hard to make our holidays special. My young husband would cook collard greens, and we would try to get along. I can remember some good holidays with him, and I have blacked out the bad ones. By this time, it became pretty clear that I experienced seasonal depression.

    Trying to Grow Up
    I can’t blame my parents for my problems in life. I know that until you forgive your family, you never really grow up. I have forgiven my stepdad, and I even empathize with him now. It’s my mom I’m still mad at. This is one of the reasons I want to leave Bremerton, to escape family issues.

    Recent good holidays have been spending them alone with friends at a bar, or going to Amsterdam for the Cannabis Cup. Those holidays were GREAT! No stress, no family, no hassle, just party, party, party.

    Fadin to Black Holiday Time
    Family drama takes too much out of me. I think the stress of moving, saying goodbye, and dealing with the holiday shizat is starting to take its toll on me. My cat scared the hell out of me yesterday. It just set me off into a depression. I could not get up today and I slept it away. I didn’t want to deal with anything, or anyone.

    Thanks All!
    Writing this post has been therapeutic for me. I needed to put into words why the holidays upset me. Damn us neurotic emotional grrrls! (Trashman Grrr in Grrrl is from Riot Grrrls and I think it basically means GRRRR + Girl) I know I have been bad about visiting blogs and I’m sorry. This is going to be a hard time for me until I move. Its nothing I can’t handle, but I expect to ride roller coaster the whole way there. I appreciate you guys for reading me, and listening to my whiney rants. Thanks for leaving me comments too, especially since I have been so bad about visiting other.

    Happy Almost Turkey Day. Lord Help Us!

    Friday, November 19, 2004

    Grrrls Kick Ass!

    Here is a list of grrrls that influence Vader. I see myself as a mixture of all of these women. These women inspire me, enchant me, turn me on, and work my mind.

    Pat “Righteous Rocker”
    Pat 2

    Marilyn “Vader’s Guiding Spirit”
    Goddess M
    Marilyn 2
    More Marilyn

    Riot Grrrls "Where the Grrrl in Vadergrrrl comes from"
    Riot Grrrls
    Riot Grrrls NYC website
    "There are differing thoughts as to the origin of the riot grrrl. Most agree riot grrrls originated from the punk movement. Riot Grrrls are both a historical music movement and a basic ideology. In music the battle cry was "Revolution Girl Style Now!" lead by all grrrl bands like Bikini Kill and Bratmobile. Politically, riot grrrl are people (girls and boys) who stomp out sexism and inequality wherever they see it.
    Today riot grrrls are empowered, strong, oft times angry people say what they think and feel and continue to kick ass in the everyday lives.
    Riot Grrrl NYC is:· ...a grassroots feminist organization started by and for young wimmin (including female-identified trannies)
    · ...a grrrls-only safe space--- a supportive, inclusive environment for sharing stories, pooling resources, acknowledging the multiplicity of experiences that shape our lives
    · ...a kick-ass forum for political activism including (but not limited to) issues of reprodutive rights, sexual harassment, negative body image/ portrayals of wimmin, anything petaining to our struggles as girls of all colors, classes, and sexualities
    · ...completely distrustful of the mainstream/corporate media which has perverted the idea of "girl power" and tried to seel it back to us as something "cute" and "sexy" that exists only to get boys off. Well, guess what: THE GRRRL REVOLUTION IS REAL and we make our own media--- fanzines, personal zines, grrrl bands, websites, films, and yeah, even fashion. The punk-rock "D.I.Y." (do-it- yrself) ethic is central to RG philosophy and we operate within our own free economy as much as possible
    Riot Grrrl NYC is NOT:· ...sexist, homophobic, or racist. We fight to end all forms of oppression
    · ...hierarcical. We strive for complete equality and consensus decisions
    · ...yr stereotypes. The mass media will have you believe that riot grrrl is stupid, babyish, "dead," anti-male, homogenous.. you name it. Our chapter is fighting to rise above the bullshit, leave it behind, and let our actions speak for themselves."

    Guerilla Girls "Sistah Soldiers"

    From this site
    "Since 1985 the Guerrilla Girls have been reinventing the "F word—feminism. Still going strong in the 21st century, we're a bunch of anonymous females who take the names of dead women artists as pseudonyms and appear in public wearing gorilla masks. In 19 years we have produced over 100 posters, stickers, books, printed projects, and actions that expose sexism and racism in politics, the art world, film and the culture at large. We use humor to convey information, provoke discussion, and show that feminists can be funny. We wear gorilla masks to focus on the issues rather than our personalities. Dubbing ourselves the conscience of culture, we declare ourselves feminist counterparts to the mostly male tradition of anonymous do-gooders like Robin Hood, Batman, and the Lone Ranger. Our work has been passed around the world by kindred spirits who we are proud to have as supporters. The mystery surrounding our identities has attracted attention. We could be anyone; we are everywhere."

    Emma Goldman “Anarchist”
    From this site

    I know that in the past every great political and social change, necessitated violence....Yet it is one thing to employ violence in combat as a means of defense. It is quiet another thing to make a principle of terrorism, to institutionalize it to assign it the most vital place in the social struggle. Such terrorism begets counter-revolution and in turn itself becomes counter-revolutionary. -Emma Goldman

    "First, by asserting herself as a personalities and not as a sex commodity. Second, by refusing the right to anyone over her body; by refusing to bear children unless she wants them; by refusing to be a servant to God, the state, society, the husband, the family etc, by making her life simpler, but deeper and richer. That is, by trying to learn the meaning and substance of life in all its complexities, by freeing herself from fear of public opinion and public condemnation. Only anarchist revolution and not the ballot , will set woman free, will make her a force hither to unknown in the World, a force of divine fire, of giving a creation of free men and women.
    Emma Goldman has left behind her a number of important contributions to anarchist thought. In particular she is remembered for incorporating the area of sexual politics into anarchism which had only been hinted at by earlier anarchists. Goldman campaigned and went to prison for the right of women to practice birth control. She argued that a political solution was not enough to get rid of the unequal and repressive relations between the sexes. There had to be massive transformation of values and most importantly in womens themselves . She argued that women could do this."

    Ida B Wells “Anti Lynching Crusader”
    One had better die fighting against injustice than die like a dog or a rat in a trap.
    - Ida B. Wells

    From this site "Ida B. Wells-Barnett was a fearless anti-lynching crusader, suffragist, women's rights advocate, journalist, and speaker. She stands as one of our nation's most uncompromising leaders and most ardent defenders of democracy."

    Marlene Dietrich “Sexual Siren”
    Official Site "Mystery and glamour are the first things that come to mind when the name Marlene Dietrich is mentioned. Working her way from the German cabaret stage to the glittering lights of Hollywood, Marlene starred in some of the most memorable films of the early 1930s including, "Morocco," "Dishonored," "Blonde Venus," "Shanghai Express," "The Scarlet Empress" and "The Devil Is A Woman."

    Nina Hagen “Punk Icon”

    Angela Davis “Black Panther Scholar”

    Princess Leia “Never Missed a Shot”

    Madonna “Push the Envelope”

    Roseanne “Mouthy Momma”

    Sylvia Plath “Tragic Poet”

    Vampirella “Vampire Huntress”

    Angelina Jolie "Modern Vamp"

    Rose McGowan "Sexy Siren"

    Bettie Page "Pin-Up Vixen"

    Friday, November 12, 2004

    *If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?* ~Im a Lynyrd Skynyd Free Bird~

    I don't know where I'm going But, I sure know where I've been
    I grew up here in Bremerton Washington. Bremerton is a military town, an hour away from Seattle. A town full of gun shops, tattoo parlors, churches, and Douglas Fir trees that seem to go for miles. I went to school with the same kids from pre-school to high school, the same faces, same reputations, and same old shit. Growing up depressed and feeling like an outsider, I always dreamed of my escape. I found it in the form of a teenage pregnancy, and subsequent shotgun marriage. My young husband had recently joined the navy, so off we went to Okinawa. The first time I had to say goodbye to this place. Goodbyes are never easy for me, I really don’t like them, and prefer to leave quietly…like a thief in the night.

    You and I will meet again, When we're least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won't say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again" Tom Petty

    Gyp´sy Pronunciation: jĭp´sŷ
    n. 1. One of a vagabond race, whose tribes, coming originally from India, entered Europe in the 14th or 15th century, and are now scattered over Turkey, Russia, Hungary, Spain, England, etc., living by theft, fortune telling, horsejockeying, tinkering, etc. Cf. Bohemian, Romany. Like a right gypsy, hath, at fast and loose,Beguiled me to the very heart of loss. - Shak.
    2. The language used by the gypsies.
    3. A dark-complexioned person.
    4. A cunning or crafty person.

    Gypsy Grrrl
    I always identify myself a gypsy. There are rumors that some of my Swedish blood is “tainted” with gypsy. Whatever the case, since my first move in 1989, I seem to be a drifter. Never really attaching to one location, picking up and moving on every three years. I make good friends along each stop, and then, move on. I rarely keep in touch, I don’t know why… I guess I like to keep the memories I had of the time we shared. After Okinawa we moved to San Diego where I lived for three years. San Diego was a tough time for me, my marriage was dysfunctional and abusive, and I felt trapped and dependent on my husband. All I could think of was planning my escape, which came in the form of an acceptance letter to UC Berkeley.

    Say goodbye to the oldies, but goodies, because the good old days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems"
    -Billy Joel

    Berkeley Bliss and Living with the Incredible Hulk
    While living in Berkeley, I found my home. I loved the Bay Area, the political environment, the multiculturalism, and the progressive attitude. Living in student family housing was similar to living in a utopia. All like-minded people, using the “it takes a village to raise a child” philosophy in its truest form. I still look back on these days with fond memories. After graduation I moved in with my boyfriend and things took a dark turn. We moved into Richmond, CA one of the deepest ghettos. (we were on the border). My boyfriend suffered a serious gunshot wound to his head, from a gang member looking to score a kill. This experience changed him, and he became David Banner-like scary. Though I didn’t want to leave the Bay Area, I realized that I could not live with someone so violent and scary. So I tearfully packed up my things, and moved back home to Bremerton.

    Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.
    Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Tweek Vs. Craig, 1999

    I’m so happy cuz today I found my friends..in my head. Kurt Kobain Syndrome
    Back in Bremerton for the first time in 9 years, seemed a new experience. Though my experiences had changed me forever, and I was not the same person who moved away as a pregnant 19 year old. Still, my childhood friends embraced me, and it was like no time had passed. Something about Washington State seems to turn me into Kurt Kobain. I become lethargic, depressed, and self-destructive. I started running around with a bunch of young band types, and causing all sorts of scandals. I realized the job market in Bremerton primarily relied on blue-collar workers, and my degree seemed meaningless. Depressed and ready to run, I packed up my belongings and decided to move back to California. I made this decision after one year of “trying”.

    You should never argue with a crazy mind
    You oughta know by now
    You can pay Uncle Sam with overtime
    Is that all you get for your money?
    It seems such a waste of time
    If that?s what it?s all about
    If that’s movin up then I'm movin? out.
    -Billy Joel

    Ghetto Livin and lots of Cannabis
    Back in the Bay Area, I felt “home” and quickly picked up were I left off, including a brief reunion with my ex boyfriend. I quickly obtained a job in the marijuana movement, and began to make all sorts of contacts and career enhancing experiences. Though I had paid “activist” jobs (which are rare and hard to find) I still didn’t make enough money to stay out of the ghetto. Living in the ghetto of Oakland, and then briefly Hayward, wore on my soul. Though there is a strong community in the ghetto, it’s still a hard way to live. Being a single mother, I had no choice. Black ass soon crept back in, and I realized I needed to make another move. This time, I wanted to live near my father in the DC Metropolitan area.

    Dazed and Confused in DC
    I settled in Arlington Virginia and quickly fell in love with the area. You can take metro to anywhere you need to go. I got a good job in DC as the office manager for National NORML. I began doing freelance work for High Times magazine. I made contacts in drug policy and with other prominent reform groups. My career flourished as DC seemed the best fit for my education, passion, and experience. After a year, my son began to miss “grandma” and requested that we move back to Washington. He also worried about me going to jail for my activism. This started to really frighten my son with anxiety and nightmares. He told me he wanted a “normal mom” (not a NORML mom) and wanted us to move back to Bremerton. Though I really didn’t want to leave the life I created in Virginia, I decided that it was best to put my son first, and make another move.

    He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.~ Benjamin Franklin

    The Circle is NOW complete… Back in B-Town
    That was 2000, and we have lived in Bremerton ever since. I have found work at the public library and a medical library, and also with the local paper as a freelance writer. My life revolved around my son, and being a sports mom. Though we struggled financially, things always seemed to work, and I told my self my career would be “mom” and my job would be to pay the bills. When my son decided to live with his dad two months ago in Phoenix Arizona, it broke my heart. I’m still coping with the loss, but I realize with him gone, there is no real reason to stay in Bremerton. Its time to move on.

    Hanging on the promises In songs of yesterday An' I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time But, here I go again...
    My brother is a Captain and Blackhawk pilot in the US Army. He owns a house in Colorado Springs, near Ft. Carson where he is stationed. He has orders to return to Iraq in March. When he found out about my son leaving, he made me the offer to live with him, and house sit rent-free. I thought to myself, “Why not?” Though I don’t know anyone in Colorado Springs besides the reputation of Focus on the Family and Dr. Dodson, I am moving there in late December. I’ve given notice at my apartment and at my current job. Soon I will be turning off my cable and I will be without computer access. This means I wont be able to blog for a while. After I settle in, I will be back. My visits to blogs, and posts, will soon be far and few between during this transition to my new life.

    Tho' I keep searching for an answer
    I never seem to find what I'm looking for
    Oh Lord, I pray You give me strength to carry on
    Cos I know what it means
    To walk along the lonely street of dreams
    An' here I go again on my own
    Goin' down the only road I've ever known
    Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
    An' I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time

    Here I Go Again
    So here I go again, my gypsy heart about to move. I have solace in the fact that I am alone and I often wonder if I’m meant to stay that way. Hell, I’m used to having my own room, things and bedroom. I like being independent and free of control. Being alone doesn’t scare me; in fact, it’s as comforting as an old friend.

    Hitch your wagon to a star. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I'm just another heart in need of rescue Waiting on love's sweet charity An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
    I’m too damn stubborn and independent to ever really be rescued. Like Billy Joel says, “Don’t try to save me”. I can only help myself and save myself. I’m so glad for the friends I have made through blogger. Many of who I have become extremely close too. Those that have my phone numbers will always be able to keep in touch with me, and I promise to check in to let you all know how I am doing. I’m not saying I’m leaving real soon, it’s a LONG GOODBYE, well a month long at least. But I’m really busy with preparations for my move, and find blogger to be a distraction from getting things done that I HAVE to do. So I will say this, I’m probably going to start fading away here really quick. Its not a forever thang…. Just a temporary leave of absence. With the divisiveness that seemed to happen after the election, and the fighting online that I participated in, I doubt I will be missed too much. But like Macarthur or Arnold Swartzeneger said

    “I will be back!”

    Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

    Tie the Strings to my Life, My Lord,
    Then, I am ready to go!
    Just a look at the Horses --
    Rapid! That will do!

    Put me in on the firmest side --
    So I shall never fall --
    For we must ride to the Judgment --
    And it's partly, down Hill --

    But never I mind the steeper --
    And never I mind the Sea --
    Held fast in Everlasting Race --
    By my own Choice, and Thee --

    Goodbye to the Life I used to live --
    And the World I used to know --
    And kiss the Hills, for me, just once --
    Then -- I am ready to go!
    Emily Dickinson - Tie the Strings to my Life, My Lord

    Goodbye Norma Jean

    And it seems to me you lived your life
    Like a candle in the wind
    Never knowing who to cling to
    When the rain set in

    Thursday, November 11, 2004

    With All Due Respect….Serve Our Heroes that Served Us…..Fuck the Veterans and Our Troops!

    How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes! ~Maya Angelou

    As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

    Fuck Em!
    Yes, today is their day to be honored, served, worshiped and service. Today is the day for lots of blow jobs, slutty sexing, and cyber love and appreciation. It’s the day to honor ALL veterans, those who served our country and put their life on the line for US. Vader’s way of thanking our veterans is sexing them up good. Providing free sex to those who deserve a special thank you. If its your husband, by all means… this is his day to get the special sexing treatment. Do anything, and EVERYTHING he wants. This includes YOU President Bush…. We thank you for your service, and think you also deserve some special lovin. (wheres monica lewinsky when you need her?)

    Support Our Troops!
    We have soldier dying every day in Iraq, and not only that, soldiers whose lives are on hold while they serve our country. These men/women deserve our support! What is the best way to support them? Fuck their brains out, provide blow jobs, or if they are currently serving overseas… cybersex the hell out of them!

    Take One For the Country Baby!
    Here is a website I found for an organization of horney gals willing to take one for the troops. Its called take one for our country.
    Take for the Country
    Mission Statement: To discretely provide US troops shipping out overseas with the most sensually pleasing departure possible.

    You ALL know that I have done my part to support this cause. This was the BEST damn sex I have ever had! He fucked me like a soldier going off to war, wait…he WAS going off to war. Im thinking about him today and seding him lots of love and support.

    Light A Candle
    For those who are no longer with us, today is also the day to light a candle, visit the cemetery and really thank those veterans who served for us. God Bless the USA!

    Stormtrooper Lovin
    On another note, I got a new tattoo yesterday. It’s the Imperial symbol from Star Wars. Its on the top of my wrist. It balances out the Rebel Alliance tattoo on the inside of my wrist. I support our STORMTROOPERS too.


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